The "Light" Touch

Nanny, in the shape of Gordon "Smiler" Brown and his chum Darling, has been loudly harrumphing recently about the banking crisis and how the banks have behaved disgracefully. Nanny has been particularly vocal recently about bonuses (ie rewarding failure), and Sir Fred "The Shred" Goodwin's pension of £650K per annum.

Needless to say Nanny is so cross that she has demanded that Sir Fred stop drawing on it (or face "legal" action), that the banks restrain their bonuses and is threatening a tougher regulatory regime.

Now, in the midst of all of this political spin (so willingly regurgitated by the ever so compliant and malleable media) designed to tap into people's latent disgust over the size of some bankers' pay packets, and the destruction of value by some of Britain's "leading" banks, lies a little problem for Nanny.

Can you guess what that is children?

Yes, that's right, she was in charge of the system during the years of boom:

1 Brown set up the tripartite regulatory system, which has proven to be such a failure.

2 Mervyn King (Governor of the Bank of England) and Hector Sants (CEO of the FSA) have both stated that Nanny insisted on a "light regulatory touch" during the boom years.

3 Sir Fred has stated that his pension was approved by the government, in the shape of Lord Myners.

4 Were Nanny to completely nationalise the "naughty" banks, as her media dogs and political midgets who support her are urging her to do, shares in every other bank in the UK would fall to zero, as people realised that their bank would be next. The result being the complete collapse of the capitalist banking system in this country.

5 Nanny allowed 100% mortgages in the boom years, now she wants them banned. Ironically, Northern Rock (now owned by us) has now been given Treasury approval for 90% mortgages. Isn't 90% almost as bad as 100% in a falling market?

Bottom line, the banking system needs to be saved (the people who destroyed value can be shot after it is saved) and Nanny knows this full well.

Why is she so vocal in her harrumphing then?

Why doesn't she speak more honestly about why the system needs to be saved?

The answer is simple, she is every bit as culpable as the bankers for this crisis; as it happened on her watch, as a result of her "light" touch and her tripartite system.

By the way, isn't it strange that at the very moment Mervyn King and Hector Sants publicly start having a go at Brown and his tripartite system, the details of Sir Fred's pension pot (agreed by Myners in October 2008) are leaked to the press via Peston?

Isn't it odd that Sir Fred's pension is making the lead in the media, such an easy story because it involves a hated banker, instead of the failure of Brown's tripartite system?

It seems to me that Nanny is trying to divert our attention again.

FYI, if you want to read my daily thoughts on finance and issues relating to this crisis pop over to www.loanbuster.net.

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Big Brother Coming To Pub Near You

I find that Nanny's latest surveillance plan, to install CCTV in all pubs, clubs, restaurants and off-licences, fills me with abject horror.

The police are telling those who run pubs and restaurants etc that they will not support their licensing applications, unless they agree to install CCTV. The police also want to be able to requisition any CCTV footage, as and when they deem it necessary.

This latest manifestation of "1984" is being applied in the London boroughs of Islington and Richmond. Other forces are trying it on too, eg Essex Police asks that every licensed premises in the county open beyond 11pm should have CCTV cameras that take head shots of customers coming into the building.

Precisely why do the police need to have records of innocent people's comings and goings to restaurants and clubs?

What controls will be exercised over the surveillance tapes by the owners of the clubs, and indeed the police (if they requisition them)?

Why do law abiding, and trouble free, establishments need these devices?

David Smith, the deputy Information Commissioner, is not at all happy:

"Hardwiring surveillance into pubs raises serious privacy concerns.

Installing surveillance in pubs to combat specific problems of rowdiness and bad behaviour may be lawful, but blanket measures where there is no history of criminal activity is likely to breach data protection requirements. "

What use is a grainy, poor quality, picture in preventing a crime occurring?

Wouldn't there be less crime if there were more real police officers on the beat?

This is a nasty and dangerous plan, which should be opposed at all levels.

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Booze Matters - Jobseeking Test

It seems that Nanny is extending her war against drink by taking on new powers, via her welfare reform bill, to impose alcohol tests on those who apply for a jobseeker's allowance.

In the event a state official does not believe what the jobseeker tells them about their drinking habits, the official will be able to order an alcohol test.

Quite why Nanny deems that it is her business to know about people's drinking habits, is open to question. So long as the drinking does not interfere with the work, or the ability to seek work, then it is nothing to do with the state or indeed potential employer what a person drinks.

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A Question of Training

I wandered into my local Somerfield the other day, to purchase some ham from the deli counter.

The counter, despite having ham and other meats on display, was closed.

I asked the service desk to open it, and was informed that this could not be done.

For why?

Despite there being staff in the shop, no one there was trained to use the meat cutter (I suspect this is a health and safety issue).

Despite stating that I had money to spend, Somerfield simply did not want to relieve me of it.

Why not just use a knife then?

I went elsewhere, and found a shop where the staff could operate a ham cutting machine (plug it in, place ham on cutter and turn it on).

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Snow Joke

The recent snow fall in the UK, which needless to say crippled our third world transport infrastructure, caused Nanny to become very Nannyish indeed.

Christopher Lewis, a farmer from Hinton Waldrist near Wantage, did his bit for the local community by using his snow plough to unblock roads in the village. He then made one fatal error, he called his local council to ask if he could help anywhere else.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, the council told him that they needed proof of training and insurance before they could consider the offer.

It is ironic that the more health and safety rules that Nanny imposes on us, the more unsafe (eg because of roads blocked by snow) we become.

Our country will eventually grind to a halt permanently, as we drown in rules and regulations imposed upon us by council bureaucrats afraid of their own shadows.

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ID Cards By The Back Door

Our old friends in Tesco get a mention again today on this site. This time they are helping Nanny to impose id cards via the back door.

How?

Just ask James Earls, a gentleman of almost 60 years of age, who uses a walking frame.

He popped into his local Tesco Express recently, in St Annes Lancashire, to purchase a packet of fags.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, Tesco insisted that he produce proof (ie id) that he was over 18 years old.

When he couldn't provide the proof, the staff refused to serve him.

Was this a single incident of dim witted stupidity by a member of staff?

No!

This policy is 100% applicable for all customers in that store, no exceptions.

A spokesman for Tesco said:

"The store has introduced a policy, on a trial basis, to require ID from all customers wishing to buy age-restricted products to help prevent underage sales.

We will of course keep this under review and would like to apologise to customers for any inconvenience this may cause."

Tesco, doing their bit to help Nanny push through her much hated id card scheme.

Hit Tesco where it really hurts, in their "bottom line":

Boycott Tesco!

Drop them an email here customer.service@tesco.co.uk

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The Dangers of Pole Dancing

I am mortified, here I am a relatively new resident of Brighton (keen to experience all - well maybe not all - the joys that this fair seaside town can offer) and I learn to my horror that Brighton and Hove City Council have banned "Pole Dancing Passion" sessions from the King Alfred leisure centre, because it is "not appropriate".

In a letter, the council's acting head of sports and leisure Ian Shurrock wrote:

"The nature of this activity is such that it is not appropriate for the classes to be held in one of the council's sports facilities".

Where am I meant to pole dance now then?

Oh, hang on a minute, I think I have found some other places!

The council, despite banning the lessons at the leisure centre, have of course granted licences for six fully nude lap-dancing clubs; Grace, the Pussycat Club, Rouge, Top Totty, the Honeyclub and For Your Eyes Only.

Spiffing!

I'll get my thong!

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Well Said Dame Stella!

I doff my hat to Dame Stella Rimington, ex head of MI5, who has lambasted Nanny's lackeys in the government for turning this country into a police state and for using fear to kowtow the population.

Here is an article in the Telegraph about what she said:

Dame Stella accused ministers of interfering with people’s privacy and playing straight into the hands of terrorists.

“Since I have retired I feel more at liberty to be against certain decisions of the Government, especially the attempt to pass laws which interfere with people’s privacy,” Dame Stella said in an interview with a Spanish newspaper.

“It would be better that the Government recognised that there are risks, rather than frightening people in order to be able to pass laws which restrict civil liberties, precisely one of the objects of terrorism: that we live in fear and under a police state,” she said.

Dame Stella, 73, added: “The US has gone too far with Guantánamo and the tortures. MI5 does not do that. Furthermore it has achieved the opposite effect: there are more and more suicide terrorists finding a greater justification.” She said the British secret services were “no angels” but insisted they did not kill people.

Dame Stella became the first woman director general of MI5 in 1992 and was head of the security agency until 1996. Since stepping down she has been a fierce critic of some of the Government’s counter-terrorism and security measures, especially those affecting civil liberties.

In 2005, she said the Government’s plans for ID cards were “absolutely useless” and would not make the public any safer. Last year she criticised attempts to extend the period of detention without charge for terrorism suspects to 42 days as excessive, shortly before the plan was rejected by Parliament.

Her latest remarks were made as the Home Office prepares to publish plans for a significant expansion of state surveillance, with powers for the police and security services to monitor every email, as well as telephone and internet activity.

Despite considerable opposition to the plan, the document will say that the fast changing pace of communication technology means the security services will not be able to properly protect the public without the new powers.

Local councils have been criticised for using anti-terrorism laws to snoop on residents suspected of littering and dog fouling offences.

David Davis, the Tory MP and former shadow home secretary, said: “Like so many of those who have had involvement in the battle against terrorism, Stella Rimington cares deeply about our historic rights and rightly raises the alarm about a Government whose first interest appears to be to use the threat of terrorism to frighten people and undermine those rights rather than defend them.”

In a further blow to ministers, an international study by lawyers and judges accused countries such as Britain and America of “actively undermining” the law through the measures they have introduced to counter terrorism.

The report, by the International Commission of Jurists, said: “The failure of states to comply with their legal duties is creating a dangerous situation wherein terrorism, and the fear of terrorism, are undermining basic principles of international human rights law.”

The report claimed many measures introduced were illegal and counter-productive and that legal systems put in place after the Second World War were well equipped to handle current threats. Arthur Chaskelson, the chairman of the report panel, said: “In the course of this inquiry, we have been shocked by the damage done over the past seven years by excessive or abusive counter-terrorism measures in a wide range of countries around the world.

“Many governments, ignoring the lessons of history, have allowed themselves to be rushed into hasty responses to terrorism that have undermined cherished values and violated human rights.’’

A Home Office spokesman said: “The Government has been clear that where surveillance or data collection will impact on privacy they should only be used where it is necessary and proportionate. The key is to strike the right balance between privacy, protection and sharing of personal data.

“This provides law enforcement agencies with the tools to protect the public as well as ensuring government has the ability to provide effective public services while ensuring there are effective safeguards and a solid legal framework that protects civil liberties.”

In her interview, in La Vanguardia newspaper, Dame Stella also described the shock of her two daughters when they discovered she was a spy and told how she used most “gadgets” when she was in office except for “a gun’’.

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Eggcellent - Eggs Are Great!

It seems that Nanny's anti egg campaigns of the past, in which she warned us of the alleged dangers of the cholesterol content of eggs, were a load of bollocks.

A paper prepared by the British Nutrition Foundation states that the cholesterol in eggs has only a small, and clinically insignificant, effect on blood cholesterol.

In fact, the British Heart Foundation (BHF) revised its advice on egg consumption over two years ago and no longer suggests a maximum of three eggs a week.

The Food Standards Agency also says that most people have no reason to worry about the number of eggs they eat a week.

Therefore why did Nanny in the past tell us to eat less eggs?

Why does she insist on giving us advice based on dodgy "research"?

Coming soon: eat more salt, drink more booze and smoke more fags!

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Knobhead of The Year - Keith Vaz

Congratultations to Keith Vaz MP who, despite it being only February, has placed himself in pole position for my ultra prestigious "Knobhead of The Year" Award.

There he was on Newsnight last night pontificating on how morally riught it was for Jacqui Smith (Home Economics Minister...sorry, slip of the tongue, Home Secretary) to ban Dutch MP Geert Wilders from entering the UK to attend a screening of his film (Fitna) that contains extracts of the Koran, on the grounds that he is anti Islamic.

Vaz gave a perfunctory performance, until it was noted that he hadn't actually seen the film that he said was anti Islamic. Moreover he went on to say that he didn't need to see the film in order to know that it was right to ban Wilders.

A British Muslim guest on the show complained to Vaz that he would have liked to have debated publicly with Wilders, to expose the foolishness of his views.

Vaz said he could do so by going to Holland!

As the Muslim guest noted, that response from Vaz said a lot about the so called freedom of speech in this country if he had to go abroad in order to be able to discuss a subject.

The added irony being that the film was screened anyway, and Mr Wilders (whom, until now, most will have never heard of) has now gained an awful lot of publicity.

I guess that Mr Vaz was a tad too busy to view the film, as he had been involved in a "lively" phone call with Boris Johnson the day before; a transcript of which had been inexplicably leaked by someone (not Boris or his team, that's for sure) to the media.

Keith Vaz, well deserving Knobhead of The Year!

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Prats of The Week - Sunderland City Council

Gosh already another organisation has stepped up to the plate, and made itself "worthy" for my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

This time it goes to Sunderland City Council, as Robert Smithson found to his cost recently.

For why?

Mr Smithson wanted to fly the Cross of St George from his house, to welcome back his twin sons from the Coldstream Guards after completing their training.

Needless to say, some member of the public complained (one wonders how some people's minds work, that they have the time and energy to complain about trivia), and Sunderland City Council wrote to Mr Smithson threatening him with a fine of up to £2,500 for illegally flying the flag from his suburban house.

Seemingly he was breaking planning laws, because the flag was at the wrong angle (thus it was classified as advertising) according to the officials from the council.

Ermmm...why not just rehang it then?

Ironically, after some investigation it transpired that council officials had misinterpreted the rules and got it wrong.

The flag can stay!

Sunderland City Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Prat of The Week - Shall We Dance?

Well done Alan Johnson, Nanny's health secretary (occasionally mentioned on this site), for winning this week's Prat of The Week Award.

He believes that he has found the panacea to the obesity "problem" that Nanny is so fretful about.

Dancing!

He wants us to don our dancing pumps, and dance the fat away. Apparently, having watched Strictly Come Dancing has inspired him (everyone on that was so slim weren't they?).

Johnson wants to create a "dance working group", including the Strictly judges, to expand the availability of dance classes to adults.

I thought that dance classes were available to those who wished to dance anyway?

Are they not?

Johnson may have a point about dance though, many of those party animals who dance the night away in clubs around the UK and Ibiza (pepped up on various... ahem ..."natural" stimulants) certainly seem to be somewhat slim....or maybe that is the effect of the stimulants?

It sounds like a monumental waste of money, all for a cheap headline.

Alan Johnson, Prat of The Week!

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Nanny Bans Crusaders

Remember the old rhyme:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"?

Evidently that is no longer the case, as "The Middlesex Crusaders" a cricket team of 10 years standing have found to their cost.

They have been forced to change their name after protests from Jewish and Muslim communities, who said they felt it was a reference to the religious wars waged by Christians in Europe against other faiths.

I might be a little more sympathetic to the complaint, ie believe that it was not just trouble making, if it had been raised 10 years ago and if the same complaint is levelled against every other organisation, eg pubs, in Britain that uses the name Crusader.

In a further twist of irony the Middlesex Crusaders have played and won against the Kent Spitfires. Will there also be complaints from resident Nazis about the use of the word "Spitfire"?

One other small point, the word "crusader" can also mean "a disputant who advocates reform".

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RBS

Off topic...but if only the NEDs of RBS had read my advice in 2003...how different things might have been!

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Size Matters

In this age when we are bombarded with adverts to enhance our busts, penises (or is it penii?), butts etc how refreshing to see that Nanny has taken the contrarian perspective!

Nanny's Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, will order forms such as Mars, Coca-Cola, Britvic and Nestlé to produce smaller versions of their products.

The rationale being that we are far too stupid and greedy to be able to buy a large versions of these products, and not eat/drink them in one go.

Johnson says:

"People want to eat more healthily.

I challenge the industry to come up with healthier snacks. That's not just good for the nation's health, it's also good for business."

Errmmm...what is to stop people eating healthy stuff now?

We live in a market economy, where all manner of products from around the world are "freely" available (eg fruit, nuts, meat, fish, coke etc).

People can buy these products and do with them whatever they wish, to assist their weight loss (if that is what their objective is).

Needless to say, Nanny is threatening legislation if her "suggestions" for smaller products go unheeded.

We each of us go to the devil in our own way, let us at least enjoy our journey. Nanny should stop wasting time and resources in trying to divert us from our inevitable and final destination.

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Nanny's Tree Hugging Tendancies

It would seem that the good councillors of Cambridge City care more about trees than children.

The council want to ban nursery children (aged 2-4) from playing under a 30 year old cedar, to safeguard the tree from damage.

Cambridge City Council prepared a report into the health of the tree at the Under Fives Roundabout Pre-School in Cambridge. The report concluded that the tree will suffer if the ground is "poached and compacted" by "constant activity" which could stop water reaching the roots.

The report says:

"Ideally, the children would not be able to play beneath the tree."

How heavy can a bunch of 2-4 year olds really be?

Here's a radical thought, if the tree really does end up being damaged (highly unlikely I think), why not just plant a new one somewhere else?

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Nanny Bans Catapult

Oh dear oh dear, I know that Nanny deplores violence and hates the idea that people should carry weapons (eg knives, swords, guns etc).

However, please tell me why Nanny got herself into a tiz over John Payne buying a £1.50 plastic catapult, which he wanted to use to fire bait into rivers when he went fishing?

I would point out that Mr Payne is 73 years old, walks with a limp and has arthritis.

So far so good?

Errmmm...not in Nanny's world.

Mr Payne was asked by the Original Factory Shop, in Melksham Wiltshire, to prove that he was over 18!

A spokesman for the Original Factory Shop said:

"I am sure the assistant was having a bit of fun with the customer and did not seriously expect him to show identification."

Mr Payne didn't get that impression!

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Prats of The Week - Eggcellent!

Time for another of my prestigious and internationally renowned "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to the good people of "The Happy Egg Company", who sell eggs.

Can you guess what they have done children?

Yes, that's right, they have printed on their egg boxes (which have their name, a picture of an egg and a cartoon chicken) the following wording:

"allergy advice: contains egg" (inside the lid of the boxes).

Now, aside from the bleeding obvious nature of the contents of the boxes from the outside labelling, by printing it on the inside were anyone with an egg allergy moronic enough to buy this product they would become aware of said contents when they opened the box anyway (observing that it contained eggs).

However, as if that were not enough evidence to show that this company is run by simpletons, there is one additional factoid that I need to convey to you.

The company has not printed the warning in its boxes of ten eggs!

The Happy Egg Company, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Hoisted By Her Own Petard

Poor old Nanny "Smiler" Brown hoisting herself by her own petard (shades of Mussolini spring to mind) by having her oft repeated, and nasty "Little Englander", phrase "British jobs for British workers" thrown back at her by the wildcat strikers.

The sure sign of a dictatorship is when a government plays the "race card" and pretends to "protect" its nationals from "foreigners".

Like it or not we live in a global economy, Nanny's attempts to pretend that she cares about us (wrt subjects that really matter, eg jobs etc) have been shown to be the hollow fallacies that they really are.

In truth that is often why she tries to divert our attention with her meaningless, yet dangerous) health and safety initiatives, and campaigns against conkers, hot water, door mats, salt, smoking, drinking etc.

She is a powerless old crone, intent on staying in orifice long past her sell by date.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries