Nanny Bans Glasses

As loyal readers will recall, Nanny sometimes gets a bee in her bonnet about the use of real glass in glasses used to serve drinks in pubs and bars.

Seemingly, in Nanny's view, our drinking lives would be vastly improved (and made less risky) if the glasses were made of plastic.

For why?

The next time someone "bottles/glasses" us we would not be so seriously injured.

Factoid: drinks served in plastic really do not taste as good as when they are served in glass or pewter.

Well I don't know, I have been going into pubs and bars around the world for decades and no one, thus far, has ever tried to "bottle" me. I guess I must be going to some very boring places!

Anyhoo, yesterday evening my better half and I took advantage of the sunshine and went for a drink at a bar on the beachfront. Annoyingly this bar only serves its drinks in plastic glasses.

Not being inclined to move on, I decided to "tolerate" this abomination and ordered a bottle of red wine.

I was presented with the plastic receptacles and the bottle of wine (made from glass), which we then took outside.

Can you spot the error here children?

Yes, that's right, the bottle was made of glass!

That means I could have "bottled" someone, as opposed to "glass" them!

As with many of Nanny's daft rules, this is all really rather sill isn't it?

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Nanny Bans Glasses

I wrote some time ago about Nanny trying to ban glasses in pubs, on the grounds that they were dangerous.

The fact that beer/lager when supped out of plastic tastes awful, appears to have no sway with Nanny. Doubtless this is part of her subtle campaign to stop us drinking, and make us easier to control.

Anyhoo, it seems that Nanny is trying to introduce a ban on glasses via the back door.

Many of Nanny's police forces are pressing for a ban on real glasses in pubs and clubs serving drinks in wine, spirit or beer; on the pretext of reducing injuries caused by people using them as weapons.

The step has already been proposed in Bournemouth, Reading, Newport, Northampton, Fareham, Ilford and Daventry.

Seemingly a further 30 towns are considering similar action.

Councils have the power to outlaw glasses. However, in most areas police are seeking "voluntary" bans. Needless to say the word "voluntary" is open to interpretation. The British Beer and Pub Association believes that pubs feel "pressurised" into accepting bans, because of the prospect of losing their licences if they refuse.

Neil Williams, its spokesman, said:

"These bans are spreading like bushfire.

You can quite easily see this rolled out

across the country without people realising what is happening."

That's how Nanny operates, she rolls out her nasty little rules without consultation before people realises what she has done.

Phillip Gill, of the Campaign for Real Ale, said:

"It is totally out of proportion.

There is a degree of risk involved in lots of things,

including drinking from a glass,

but that doesn't mean you need to ban it."

Yes it does in Nanny's world, for you see Nanny wants to ban booze and zeroise risk (an impossibility in the real world).

Nanny Bans Glass

Full marks to Nanny's chums in Kingston Council, who have banned the use of glass outside of pubs.

Yes I am being sarcastic!

Eva and I were paying an evening visit recently to one of the waterside hostelries there, whose barmaid asked me if I was intending to drink outside or inside.

I said outside.

She advised me that I would have to have a plastic cup for my beer, as the council were worried about yob behaviour.

I noted that a yob was just as likely to do damage inside as well as outside with glass, and she agreed.

Rather ironically Eva's wine was served in a glass. I asked about this, and was told that they had run out of plastic wine glasses.

I noted that this rather made a mockery of the rules, a point that was fully agreed with.

Next week Nanny will be banning knives, forks and plates.

Nanny Doesn't Ban Glass

You will recall my recent article about Nanny's daft idea to ban the use of glasses to serve drink in Glasgow pubs?

Nanny felt that the number of "glassings" in the city meant that people could not be trusted to drink with glass, her next step was to ban metal knives and forks.

Anyhoo, following an enormous public outcry about the stupidity of this idea, Nanny has shelved most of it.

Only premises with the highest incidence of glass attacks will have to serve drinks in plastic or toughened glass.

Councillor Gordon Macdiarmid, convener of the licensing board and knobhead who came up with the stupid idea in the first place, said that the decision to amend the policy had been a result of its "listening" role.

Yes quite, in other words people told him he was a prat!

A victory for common sense, and a resounding defeat for Nanny's lickspittle Macdiarmid.

Nanny Bans Glass

Nanny gets some strange ideas into her head, when it comes to her so called "health and safety" agenda.

In her narrow view of the world, if we are not wrapped in cotton wool, then we are exposed to all manner of unacceptable threats and risks; needless to say, she believes that she is the only person on the planet capable of managing these risks.

Nanny is a control freak, and the most effective way for her to control us (and remain in power) is to make us dependent on her; ie she is trying to reduce us to a helpless infantile state.

Anyhoo, Nanny's latest obsession is glass; she has noticed that glass can, on occasions, cut people.

Therefore her chums in the Glasgow Licensing Board, funny how most of the really daft Nanny stuff seems to emanate from Scotland, have decided to ban glass in all bars and pubs in Glasgow from January.

Bloody hell!

Have you ever tried to drink beer, lager, wine or whisky from plastic?

It's farking awful!!!!

Needless to say, such a stooooopid idea has caused a wee rumpus.

Ken Storrie, the owner of the internationally-renowned Pot Still, said that he would rather lose his licence than serve his vast selection of malts, which cost up to £250 a nip, in plastic cups.

By the way, the ban will also prevent people from buying bottles of wine or champagne.

The Scottish Beer and Pub Association has asked the Court of Session for a judicial review of the Glasgow Licensing Board's decision to introduce the ban.

Councillor Gordon Macdiarmid, the board's convener, said:

"It is astonishing that anyone in the 21st century should seek to place the protection of glass receptacles ahead of the safety of their patrons."

What a Twat!

It's astonishing to me that these people are allowed to go out in the street unsupervised, let alone hold office!

Seemingly Macdiarmid, who evidently has no social life at all, has campaigned for years to make Glasgow the first 'glass-free' city in the world.

You would be forgiven for thinking that I made the last bit up...but no, this man really is a sad little twat!

Macdiarmid claims that his campaign is based on "evidence", Nanny's manipulation of "evidence" to support her daft ideas is well known, as well as demands from parents of "glassing" victims, surgeons and the police.

Waht about the glass bottles that whisky and some beers are contained in then?

Storrie thinks that the whole idea is bollocks, his range of over 500 malts is served in specially-designed Glencairn crystal glasses.

His refusal to sign up to the scheme means that he will initially lose his regular extended opening hours. A continued refusal to comply or seek an exemption could cost him his licence.

A VisitScotland spokesperson said:

"The ban could present a message to visitors that Glasgow is unsafe."

This is beyond belief, we have all seen Taggart and know that Glasgow is not the "softest" city in the world. However, the majority of the city's population manage to get on with their daily lives without having a glass stuffed in their face. I myself have been there many times, and in spite of the fact that I am English, managed to not get "glassed".

I would at this point tell you about the argument in a bar that took place one night, whereby one of the protagonists left for a few mintues to return wielding a Claymore.

Glasses were not needed that night.

Bloody stupid idea, from pathetic people who have nothing better to do with their lives.

It sets a very dangerous precedent; Nanny will be banning knives, sawn off shot guns and sarin next!

Nanny Bans Knitting Needles

When I was a little kid, pre school, I used to be dragged off by mother to the shops from time to time.

One of her regular stops would be a knitting shop, which was bulging to the seams with brightly coloured yarns and a vast array of fearsome knitting needles.

Now at this stage, I guess you think that I am going to engage in some misty eyed self indulgent reminiscences about my childhood and the simple pleasure that I took in looking at the colours of the yarns etc.

Er no!

I found the whole experience totally tedious, and wished only instead to be at home watching Top Cat.

Sorry folks!

Anyhoo, tempus fugit, now the knitting shop is long since closed (although I can still watch Top Cat on Cartoon Network) and my mother can only buy her knitting needles from charity shops these days.

At least that was the case until Nanny, not much of a knitter (more of a nit...Ha!Ha!), came along and stuck her hooter (for the benefit of my American audience hooter=nose not booby) into it.

It seems that Nanny has decreed that knitting needles are in fact dangerous, and has therefore placed them on a list of proscribed products that cannot be sold at charity shops.

This was highlighted on Radio 4's You and Yours last year and is still happening, that is at least according to one of my trusted sources.

If you want knitting needles, you have to find an assistant and ask if they have any for sale "on the sly", much like you would buy beef on the bone a few years ago (which I did regularly during the mad cow scare).

Other proscribed items include; gas appliances, oil heaters, riding hats, glasses, ear rings etc

I normally don't bother putting links in, but the report is a hoot so here it is knitting needles ban.

We truly live in a very odd country indeed!

Nanny Bans Fat

Nanny seems to be having something of an "anti fat drive" going at the moment, at least that seemed to be the case for Mary Magilton from Oldham Manchester.

Mary found herself on the wrong end of a traffic accident, when a car mounted a pavement hit her and drove off.

Needless to say, she gave a statement to the police a few days later describing the female driver.

Unfortunately for Mary, the policeman that she was speaking to was clearly a close friend of Nanny; and therefore up to speed on the latest "nu-speak".

During Mary's description, the policeman admonished her for her use of the word "fat" when describing the driver.

Can you believe this?

Instead of the officer taking a note of her description, he paused and told her she could not use such language to describe an alleged offender.

Mrs Magilton said:

"They did not even get me to sign a statement. They treated me with such disdain. How can they ever find a criminal if they cannot take a description?"

She described the driver as having brown, shoulder-length hair and glasses. When asked "what build was she?", Mary replied "fat".

Mary the described what happened in the police station:

"They turned funny on me and told me I could not make such remarks."

Mary said:

"I do not know any other words to describe a fat person.

I looked it up in the dictionary and the alternatives are lardy, porky, podgy and other words I would not dare to use."

Needless to say, having corrected Mary of her "impure language" the police have yet to catch the non thin hit and run driver.

Our safety in Nanny's hands!

Nanny's Prescription Glasses

Nanny is very proud of her work, yet she knows that not everyone shares her pride.

In fact she knows that some people, eg journalists, go out of their way to criticise what she does.

Now I know that this may come as something of a surprise to some of you, but Nanny has feelings too.

Prick her, does she not bleed?

Anyhoo, Nanny is getting fed up with the constant criticism of her "management" of the country; and has decided to go on the counter offensive.

She wants all of us to see the world as she does, through special rose coloured glasses (coming soon on the NHS).

In order to ensure that we see the world as she does, her first action will be to improve the reporting techniques of journalists; so that they only tell us the good things about Nanny.

To this end Nanny has commenced a special study of the media, to weed out all those nasty negative journalists who are criticising her. Nanny's Department of Health has begun publishing statistics on the output, and perceived "slant", of the journalists who write the most frequently about the state of the NHS.

Nanny has hired media consultants Millward Brown to assess every article published by the media according to whether it is positive, negative or neutral.

The results of the survey have highlighted 21 correspondents who reach the most readers, either because they wrote a lot or because their papers had the biggest circulations. Within these, 9 of them were very naughty; they had nothing positive to say about the NHS.

Ooh!

Seemingly Nic Cecil of the Sun has been identified as the journalist with the "highest reach", is he an orangutang?.

Most worryingly for Nanny, the Daily Mail is the paper with the "highest reach". The overwhelming majority of its 59 articles on the NHS during the month were negative or neutral, with only about 7% carrying a positive message about the NHS.


Now "clever" little exercises like this don't come cheap. The cost came to £200K.

No need to worry though, Nanny is not paying for it.

You are!

When questioned about the apparent waste of money, Nanny's Department of Health said:

"It was important to have this established on a scientific basis rather than hunch".

In further good news, Nanny is going to continue spending more money on this, the department will publish regular reviews of journalists' output over periods of six months.

Needless to say, no one would be penalised for taking a negative approach.

Do you believe that?

Additionally, it is expected that Nanny's other departments will also follow suit.

Well, as I said, it's not Nanny's money is it?

Nanny Gets The DT's

Nanny has a real bee in her bonnet at the moment about binge drinking, yet she has taken rather a schizophrenic stance on the subject.

On the one hand she harangues us about the dangers of excessive imbibing, yet on the other she happily relaxes the licensing laws.

Note, it is perfectly clear that the length of time that a pub/club is open is not the issue in respect of people drinking themselves into a coma.

The real issue is the fact that the modern "pubs/clubs" cater exclusively to those under the age of 25; they pack them in, bombard them with loud music and sell booze cheap.

Well of course this age group is going to drink themselves sick; in that awful environment, wouldn't you?

The solution, if you are listening Nanny, is to encourage people of all ages to drink together; eg bring back traditional pubs. The social restraints brought about by mixing the ages will ensure that people take a more sensible approach in respect of drinking.

However, as long as the big drinks companies adopt their current tactic of targeting only the under 25's and ignoring the rest of the population that won't happen.

Anyhoo, enough of that, my real story here is about the rather bizarre attempt being made by Nanny's friends in the University of Strathclyde to reduce the levels of binge drinking in the student class.

They have decided that all that students need, is to be told that drinking too much is bad for them.

That will work, won't it?

They have decided to get this message across by sticking labels onto glasses and mirrors, and hiding messages in library books.

A real winner here guys!

The best part of this scheme, clearly thought up after a few pints, is that the messages will be sponsored.

Guess who will be sponsoring them?

Yes, that's right, Diageo!

Those of you not familiar with Diageo, they are one of the UK's largest drinks firms; you know, the people who sell alco pops etc to the under 25's and get them to drink themselves into a coma.

Well I don't know about anyone else, but this scheme sounds like utter bollocks!

For reference a standard student stunt, in my day at Edinburgh, was for people to drink a yard of Guinness mixed with baked beans.

Now please tell me how a scheme of stickers and notes will dissuade students, with that sort of mindset, from excess drinking?

Bah Humbug

As expected, whenever people try to enjoy themselves, Nanny cannot resist sticking her unwelcome nose into other peoples’ business.

Christmas, needless to say, offers her ample opportunities for lecturing her “charges” about their behaviour and lifestyle.

Seemingly this year Nanny has been sucking on an exceptionally large humbug; as she and her friends in the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) and the TUC have issued a particularly long list of prohibited behaviour, aimed at those attending office parties.

On Nanny’s list are the following activities:

-No candles, flaming puddings or cigarettes

-Avoid excess contact with Christmas trees

-No mistletoe, kissing is sexual harassment

-Don’t drink to excess

-No dancing on the desks

-Use paper cups, not glasses

-No indoor fireworks

-Don’t photocopy your butt

-Keep food in the fridge

Roger Bibbings, Nanny’s friend in RoSPA said somewhat half-heartedly:

“We are not being party poopers….”

Oh Yes You Are!

In the spirit of Christmas, and in order to ensure that we stick two festive fingers up at Nanny, this site recommends that you eat and drink yourselves to death this Christmas.

Visit The Gourmet’s Pantry for a stonking selection of food and booze, from around the world; which will help you to achieve Christmas Nirvana.