Priority Seating

The intended users of "priority seating" finally identified!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

The Electric Commode

Way back in 2004 I designed a special new security chair, The Electric Commode, to be used by airlines when transporting their customers from "A" to "B".

The device ensures that the customer is well and truly strapped in during the flight, with no chance of moving around and causing a potential terrorist incident.

Following the actions of that complete and utter knobhead from Nigeria, who attempted to detonate his own underpants, the new security measures being introduced by US bound airlines include toilet restrictions.

Sadly, it seems, my design (especially the commode part) will come to fruition and be onboard some airlines in the not too distant future.

Short of injecting every passenger with a coma inducing sedative, for the duration of the flight, there is little else that airlines can do to prevent passengers from moving around other than strap them in.

BTW, even this and full body searches won't stop the determined knobhead intent on killing him/herself. There is an obvious method, which I will not discuss (lest I give some moron an idea), for concealing explosives etc.

My views on terrorism and religion are noted on my Blue Blog.

It is sad that "religion" is used as an excuse to kill more people than any other of man's "beliefs/traditions/addictions/habits".

Postcards of the above design can be purchased here Electric Commode Postcards.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

The Dangers of Seats

When is a seat dangerous?

When our old friends from the health and safety Gestapo tell you it is.

It seems that even a well designed, solid seat is dangerous in the eyes of the health and safety Gestapo if it is placed in a setting for which it is not "authorised".

Allow me to elucidate.

My local leisure club recently installed some new benches in the changing rooms. Without a shadow of a doubt these are utter crap.

-They are too small.

-They have no back, and as such are not suitable for chilling out on after exercise.

-They are uncomfortable.

-They are unstable, and wobble alarmingly when you sit on the.

Everyone in the club hates them!

As such I did my bit for humanity, and looked around on the web for something a little more suitable.

I came across a rather nice wooden bench that is solid, comfortable, reasonably priced and would withstand the day to day usage in the club. A picture of said bench is shown above.

I passed it on to the powers that be, confident in the knowledge that they would buy a couple and ditch the other benches.

Stupid, stupid me!

I hadn't bargained on the health and safety Gestapo.

The club will not be buying my suggested benches.

For why?

These are made by a garden furniture company, as such they are for the garden not a changing room.

The fact that a seat is a seat, is a seat does not matter to the health and safety Gestapo. What matters is that the seat must come from a leisure furniture manufacturer, not a garden furniture manufacturer.

The fact that the product is of good quality, ideal for the changing rooms, safe and perfectly serviceable/reliable does not come in to it.

Only products "authorised" by the health and safety Gestapo can be used, even though the current benches are unsafe/unstable and the ones I suggested are perfectly safe.

Another avenue of commonsense and freedom of choice closed off by the health and safety Gestapo.

By the way, this is the same club that banned fresh fruit this time last year on "health and safety" grounds.

I am thoroughly sick to death of the health and safety Gestapo.

Big Brother

Nanny, despite the fact that her DNA database is riddled with errors (see the "Big Bruvver" article) is intent on filling it with more data.

Nanny's ever efficient Home Orifice is considering giving the police the power to take a DNA sample on the street, without taking the suspect to a police station, as well as taking samples from suspects in relatively minor offences such as littering, speeding or not wearing a seat belt.

That's nice isn't it?

Drop a sweet wrapper, and you will end up on a criminal database!

The database is the largest in the world, with 3.4m profiles, more than 5% of the UK population. If the powers are granted, it would expand massively.

Don't worry folks, there will be public inquiry held by the official genetics watchdog.

So that's alright then!

Nanny always listens to her watchdogs, doesn't she?

A Nice Little Legacy

As our "beloved" Prime Minister gears up to leave office, you can see how happy he looks these days, he is planning to leave us with a nice little something to remember him by.

Bliary said the other day that he had "got it wrong" when he first came to office thinking that all you had to do was to throw money (our money not his) at social problems, to sort them out. He claims to have had a revelation that some people, no matter how much you "invest" (he means spend, but can't bring himself to use that "unword"), will still behave like animals. Therefore his "solution" is to apply the stick as well as the carrot.

A nice idea, unfortunately as with all of Bliary's "ideas" they are not thought through; and usually negatively impact the decent law abiding citizen, rather than the detritus of society.

Coming soon to your town, here are a few of Bliary's new "initiatives":

• Tesco jails, short-term "jails" are planned for supermarkets in order to ease the burden on police. Seemingly Nanny is already discussing the construction of a jail inside Selfridges. I wonder if they will allow you to take a Selfridges bag with you when you leave jail? The Metropolitan Police is interested in placing units in other stores, and is planning custody units in every London borough.



• Nanny intends to expand police powers to take fingerprints, DNA and other samples from offenders and store them on national databases. The list of crimes that will give the police the right to take DNA etc will include; speeding, failing to wear a seat belt, allowing dogs to foul the footpath and dropping litter.
  
  Nice eh?
  
  Fortunately we have 100% confidence in the integrity/security of Nanny's databases. We do, don't we?



• Police will be allowed to question suspects after they have been charged. Isn't this kind of back to front? After all, if the police charge you, surely they have obtained enough evidence already?



• Nanny also wants to fingerprint people over 10 accused of nonrecordable offences, crimes for which an offender cannot be imprisoned.

A nice little legacy wouldn't you agree?

An Inspector Calls

Nanny believes in being "socially and ethnically" inclusive.

A very noble sentiment, so long as those who are included wish to be part of British society.

As such Nanny's chums in Ofsted have appointed Israr Khan (pictured left), a hardline Muslim and headmaster of an Islamic school, to be a school inspector.

Nothing wrong with that, in principle, until you realise that Khan may not be feeling that "inclusive" towards British society. He once caused a furore by denouncing pupils for celebrating Christmas.

Khan delivered his anti Christmas tirade during a concert rehearsal at Washwood Heath Secondary School in Birmingham in 1996 after the choir, including around 40 Muslim youngsters, had sung a number of Christmas songs and carols.

Seemingly he leapt from his seat, yelling:

"Who is your God?

Why are you saying Jesus and Jesus Christ?

God is not your God - it is Allah."

The children in the audience began booing and clapping, and a number of choir members (white and Asian) walked out, some in tears.

Khan, who was a maths teacher at the time, was asked to work from home pending an investigation but there was no disciplinary action.

FYI Washwood Heath school had Rashid Rauf, the airline terror bomb suspect whose extradition is currently being sought from Pakistan, as a pupil there at that time.

Khan left Washwood Heath a year later to found the independent Islamic Hamd House Preparatory School in Small Heath, Birmingham, where he is headmaster.

Earlier this year, he was appointed as a governor of Anderton Park Primary School, in Sparkbrook, Birmingham.

A former Washwood Heath colleague laughed openly when told of Khan's role as an Ofsted inspector.

Quote:

"Given the man's history, it's absolutely astonishing.

It's just the cheek of the man that he's been able to reach that position.

He always was an extremely clever man.

He gave me many insights into the Islamic cause

and their hatred of the US and the Western World.

He had a big support base among some of the Muslim parents.

But there were some very influential,

radical elements at Washwood Heath at that time

and Israr Khan was very close to all that."

Earlier this year, Anderton Park, received an Ofsted report which branded its teaching and its achievements as inadequate.

An Ofsted spokesman said:

"Israr Khan was appointed as an additional inspector

via a highly competitive recruitment and selection process.

He has undergone all the relevant security checks."

Nanny should remember that inclusion works both ways.

Nanny's Airport Security

Following on from the recent alleged terrorist plot, Nanny has ratcheted up the security measures at the airports and in doing so has engendered a mild sense of hysteria in some people.

A couple of days ago a woman was handcuffed on a plane, as she suffered a panic attack and was found to be carrying some hand cream. Today it was reported that a man was given a sound kicking, when he was suspected of trying to light his own farts.

Luckily a sky marshall was on board the plane, and saved the day by inserting a large rubber bung up the fart lighter's arse.

As a result of this incident Nanny will be upgrading her security advice to airlines and insisting that all passengers have a rubber bung inserted up their arses.

Additionally, she is insisting that these new custom designed security seats be installed as soon as possible.



To see a detailed picture of the Electric Commode, please click this lick The Electric Commode.

Postcards of the above design can be purchased here Electric Commode Postcards.

OK folks, maybe part of the above was a slight exaggeration!

However, I would contend that the security measures and ensuing hysteria have done little to improve the long term (read that bit carefully) security of the UK or of passengers departing from UK airports.

• The current level of security checks are unsustainable.



• BA has had to cancel 13000 flights since last Thursday, this is economically unsustainable.



• Over 20000 bags have been "lost/misplaced" since last Thursday. Fortunately the baggage handlers at Heathrow are a very honest bunch of people, and as such passengers can rest assured that their "lost" bags will not be interfered with in any way.



• Despite the security checks a 12 year old boy managed to get on board a plane, and a man returned to an empty plane to look for a lost wallet.



• Aside from the increased security at British airports, European airports are as they were before. As such, were you part of the "crescent of evil" you could simply pop over on the channel tunnel (which has no extra security) to France, board a flight there back to London and as a transfer passenger board a long haul flight with your tube of toothpaste still on your person.



• As for the rest of us travelling by train or tube, tough luck, the security remains as before.

Nanny is good at raising bogeymen and imposing draconian rules, but she is not good at managing the consequences. Clearly the current security measures will have to be relaxed, otherwise the airline industry will grind to a halt.

Here are a few simple ideas that I have for improving the situation:

1 Allow only one small clear bag onto a plane, containing "safe" items. The previous situation, whereby people were bringing all manner of crap on board was a ridiculous nonsense anyway.

2 Ensure that people only book into the hold of a plane 1 item of baggage per person, with a maximum weight. The vast array of ski equipment, boxes and bits and bobs that some people carry severely delays the check in process. Should you wish to transport your kitchen sink, then place the extra load on board a separate plane specially designated for delivery of such items.

3 Do away with 100% hand searches of people and their carry on luggage, instead use profiling to identify the high risk traveller. Therein lies the problem with Nanny, she seeks to zeroise risk, rather than manage it.

None of the above are radical or new ideas. However, at the moment, it seems that the relevant authorities are behaving in some senses like headless chickens and not sitting down calmly and working through what really needs to be done.

In the meantime, the alleged terrorists much be rubbing their hands with glee as they see the chaos that they have caused.

Nanny Bans Standing

My thanks to the multitudes of you (well two actually), who wrote to me this morning telling me about this particularly daft scheme of Nanny and her acolytes in the police.

As we all know, Nanny has something of a problem with regard to drinking; on the one hand she is happy for 24 hour drinking, but on the other hand she believes that this should only be for those of us who indulge in a small glass of Chianti.

Drinking amongst the working classes is absolutely frowned upon; as we all the working classes can't handle their drink.

Anyhoo, as part of Nanny's ongoing scheme to turn us into middle class Chianti drinkers her chums in Preston police have decided that it is illegal to stand at the bar drinking.

Nanny wants us all to sit down at the table, and sip our drinks in a leisurely fashion.

Now a couple of points here...the British pub is specifically designed for drinking at the bar; the barmaids are selected for their cleavages (to encourage men to gather round the bar), the bar is long enough to allow many to stand there and only the "continentals" sit at tables drinking wine.

As such the scheme is utter BOLLOCKS!

Notwithstanding that, Nanny's police in Preston have renamed standing at the bar "Vertical Drinking".

Prats!

They argue that drinking while standing in a like-minded group is a contributor to booze-fuelled violence.

Nanny's NHS primary care trust also got in on the act, and the police want a "no standing" drinking rule imposed on the city by the autumn; they want customers to be served only if they have a seat.

Police in Preston already have an alcohol harm reduction and prevention team. Sergeant Andy Hobson, the team's alcohol project manager, said:

"If people are sat down there is less potential for flashpoints than with vertical drinking.

This is not designed so much to affect the amount they drink;

it is the proximity of other people when you are stood up, which is where the problems can start.

People go into these places and crowd round the bars,

then the next you know somebody gets a push,

the pint goes over and that's it."

We pay them for this shite?

-How do you get served if you are sitting down?

-How do you enforce a no standing rule in a pub?

Publicans have dismissed the scheme as bollocks.

Ryan Wood, manager of Yates's pub, said:

"They have completely missed the point.

If anything it is going to cause more friction because people are not going to like being told to sit down every five minutes.

It's almost impossible to enforce."

I would also remind Nanny that many years ago, I was sitting at a table in a bar and had imbibed quite a few. When I stood up, I fell over. Now, if I had been standing that would never have happened!

Computer Says No

My apologies for not posting any Nanny stories yesterday, I was unfortunately involved in a titanic battle of wills with the computer system at Lastminute.com.

I will elaborate.

Last week my partner (Eva) booked a flight to Stockholm with Lastminute.com, she duly received the confirmation for the flight which was to take place today.

However, on Friday evening at around 6:15 she received an email from Lastminute which started off in the not too promising fashion "Hello Frost..".

The fact that her surname is in fact Hellqvist, seemingly was of no importance to the author of the missive.

Said author then went on to explain that the ticket for the flight had been cancelled, as there were in fact no seats available. Why, one wonders, did the Lastminute computer system sell us a ticket for these non existent seats?

The author then suggested that we call him for clarification.

Ah, if only things were that simple!

We called but, needless to say, the office was shut!

Saturday duly dawned, and we had less than 24 hours to try to get Eva a flight; cue the dramatic music.

We accessed dear old Lastminute's site and found a few flights that were still available, though these were naturally more expensive than our original booking; how convenient!

We tried to book, but the computer said "No"; the flight (despite being shown only 10 nano seconds before) was now full.

We tried another search and came up with another flight, alas to no avail; computer said "No".

We tried four more times, each time the computer gave us a flight that we could book; each time we then pressed the booking button computer said "No".

Anyhoo, very helpfully computer provided us with a phone number to ring.

I rang, and found myself talking to a real live customer "care" operative; to my view a more apt description of said individual would be that of witless, patronising "scrote".

Said scrote, informed me that I had rung the wrong number, and that he was not the right person in the mighty Lastminute.com empire to handle my booking.

I pointed out that computer had given me the number.

He pointed out that computer was wrong.

He gave me another number to ring.

I asked to be transferred, scrote said he couldn't do that.

Okey dokey, I rang the new number.

Joy of joys I found myself talking to the computer, which was equipped with a voice recognition and touch tone operating system. I went throughout the sequence to get to the "book flight only to Europe" part of the menu.

At this point, can you guess?

Yes, that's right, computer said "No".

Seemingly, if you can believe the computer, Lastminute do not take human bookings for Europe flights only; I was told by computer to use the computer to make the booking, computer then hung up on me.

Well bit of a problem wouldn't you say?

I decided to ring my old chum the witless, patronising scrote; and pointed out the "catch 22" problem with computer and the booking system.

Scrote informed me that I must have used the system incorrectly, and that the system worked perfectly. I pointed out that I was not an idiot, comments on this assumption please?, and that the system did not work. Scrote informed me that the system worked perfectly, and that I was the only person ever to complain; therefore I was at fault, not the system.

Orwellian "Big Brother" logic if ever I've heard it!

Scrote then again refused to transfer me.

Right, time to don my armour of burnished bronze, we do not get treated like this!

I rang computer again, this time claiming that I wanted to book a holiday. Computer graciously allowed me to talk to a human.

The human I spoke to was a charming lady, who told me that I had come through to the wrong part of Lastminute (this we knew!), and that I should have gone to the flight booking area (this we also knew!).

I explained the problem, fortunately she had the wit and the intelligence to check for herself; and informed me "that there seems to be something wrong with the computer"...ah ha!

Progress!

Now we at last were getting somewhere.

She said that she could not transfer me to the right department, fascinating phone system they have in Lastminute wouldn't you say?

However, she would get someone to ring me back.

She kept her word, and another person rang back. He was also helpful and intelligent.

I explained the problem with the cancellation and the trouble with computer. He then spent a while trying to confirm if Eva's original ticket had been cancelled. This came to now't, as the person who emailed Eva was not known to him, and the department in which he allegedly worked was shut until Monday.

So we "winged it" and decided to make a new booking.

After a few more phone calls we finally succeeded in getting a new flight booking by 3:00pm that afternoon (some 6 hours after we started trying to make a new booking!).

Well, they do call themselves "Lastminute"!

Needless to say the new flight was around £60 more expensive!

The moral of this story is that Nanny exists in many forms, be it political or commercial, all of them designed to belittle and crush the individual.

Now, for those of you with nothing better to do today, I have a little game for you.

Let's annoy computer, try to make a booking for a European flight only (not holiday, not hotel) using the following phone number 08712223200.

I bet computer says "No".

Nanny and The Bleedin' Obvious

Nanny has come up with another fun, novel, exciting and compulsory method of wasting your money.

She has launched a £7M anti crime campaign, “Let’s Keep Crime Down”, which states the “bleedin’ obvious”:

One little “gem” in Nanny’s campaign is the earth shaking observation that if you lock your doors and windows, then you will lessen your chances of being burgled.

Nanny, of course, cannot resist talking down to us. Her helpful little sprite Hazel Blears, at the launch of the campaign, said:

"We know that one in five crimes happens through something really stupid - like leaving your doors and windows open, leaving goods on the back seat of your car, flashing around your mobile phone..It's simple things the public can do to stop themselves being victims of burglary and robbery."

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, if you are a victim of crime you have no one to blame but yourselves!

Isn’t it lucky that we have Nanny around to protect us from our own stupidity?