The Apotheosis of Nanny's Career

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A Dignified Death

The Guardian reports that a man has been granted his dying wish of a cigarette and a glass of white wine by staff at a hospital in Denmark.

According to a post on the hospital’s Facebook page, Carsten Flemming Hansen, 75, was found to be terminally ill after he was admitted to hospital with an aortic aneurysm and internal bleeding.
Predicting it would be a matter of hours or days before Hansen died, the hospital decided not to operate and instead granted the patient a “dignified” death.

The nurses at Aarhus University hospital decided to defy regulations that stipulated no smoking on the hospital’s grounds and wheeled Hansen out on to a balcony where he smoked a Green LA cigarette and drank a glass of cold white wine while watching the sunset with his family.

In its Facebook post, the hospital said the nurses in Hansen’s ward and his family agreed that in this situation, his last wishes were more important than treatment, prevention and smoking rules.

I wonder if British Nanny would do the same?

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Life Causes Cancer

It would appear that modern life is killing children, with the number of youngsters diagnosed with cancer rising 40% in the past 16 years because of air pollution, pesticides, poor diets and radiation.

That at least is what researchers at the charity Children with Cancer UK believe, they claim that there are now 1,300 more cancer cases a year compared with 1998.

Apparently, the increase is most notable in teenagers and young adults aged between 15 and 24, where the incidence rate has risen from around 10 cases in 100,000 to nearly 16.

Researchers say that although some of the rise can be explained by improvements in cancer diagnoses and more screening, the majority is probably caused by environmental factors.

Please note that word "probably", ie they are not certain!

Anyhoo, if the researchers are to be believed amongst the list of causes are:

- air pollution
- mobile phones
- BBQ's
- solvents in household cleaners
- power lines
- CT scans
- bright light at night etc

The list is endless!

The solution?

Stop breathing and stop living!

Alternatively we could go back to Victorian times, before most of these factors existed (air pollution aside). Unfortunately the infant and child mortality figures were off the scale in those days, and the chances are you would die of TB, cholera, pneumonia, measles, whooping cough or simply "old age" at around 35.

Nowadays most babies born are likely to survive into teenage-hood, hence the statistical increase in those with cancer. 

In other words, because we are living longer and our babies don't die at birth or in infancy, we have swapped one form of death for another.

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The Joys of Insurance

In this risk averse age I am always gemused that people, councils etc rush to insure themselves against all and sundry fates. Yet the insurance companies themselves do all they can to avoid paying out when misfortune strikes.

One would be tempted to ask what is the farking point of insurance?

On that note I was particularly gemused to read the terms and conditions of a travel insurance policy, specifically the very limited number of circumstances under which the insurance firm would pay out to cover costs if the trip were cancelled.

In essence there are very few circumstances under which the company would cover cancellation costs. However, they do generously cede that the death of the insured traveller pre departure is one circumstance that would justify payout for a cancelled trip!

Don't you just love insurance companies?

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Prat of The Week - Caroline Dinenage MP

Congratulations to Caroline Dinenage (MP for Gosport) for winning this week's Prat of The Week Award.

Why has she been so honoured?

She claimed £3.95 in parliamentary expenses to pay for "sympathy cards" for the families of dead voters.

A spokesman for Dinenage told the Telegraph that she does not pay for the cards herself, because they are sent in “her capacity as an MP” and often contain other “information or correspondence”.

Here is why she is a prat:

1 If she did not know the people why send the cards?

2 If she did know the people, then she should have sent the cards as a private individual (and paid for them) not as an MP.

3 Sending sympathy cards with "other information" is just plain crass!

Caroline Dinenage, well deserving Prat of The Week!

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Nanny Offers Immortality

I see that despite the fact that Nanny's 5 a day propaganda has been shown to be bollocks, Nanny's chums from University College London have conducted a study that claims to show that we will live longer if we ate 7 portions of fruit and veg a day.

Oddly enough, Nanny herself insists that 5 a day is still adequate.

The study of 65,226 men and women indicated the more fruit and vegetables people ate, the less likely they were to die - at any given age.

Read that again, in effect Nanny's chums are saying if you eat 7 a day you won't die!

Shurely shome mishtake!

Irrespective of that rather ludicrous claim, the research itself appears to be massively flawed.

For why?

Other lifestyle factors, such as not smoking or drinking excessively, may have accounted for the drop in mortality, not just fruit and veg consumption.

More to the point, as Prof Tom Sanders, at the School of Medicine, King's College London, said it was "already known" that people who said they ate lots of fruit and vegetables were health conscious, educated and better-off. He is quoted by the BBC:

"You cannot extrapolate from this kind of information to make sensible pronouncements about what people should eat."

In other words the conclusions are bollocks!

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RIP Peter O'Toole

Peter O’Toole had no time for Nanny's anti drink nonsense and once said:

“Fornication, madness, murder, drunkenness, shouting, shrieking… and the breaking of bones, such jollities constitute acceptable behaviour…” 

 As per the Telegraph, it was a motto that he and his coterie of British and honorary British hellraisers – Richard Burton, Richard Harris, Oliver Reed and Peter Finch – lived out on a daily basis.

Farewell gentlemen, we won't see your like again!

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Nanny Bans Sudoku

My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me to a sad story about Angela Robinson (widow of Allan Robinson), and her battle with Farndon Parish Council over a two inch square Sudoku puzzle and a one line mathematical equation on her late husband's gravestone (he was a mathematician).

The council, according to the Daily Star, have decreed that the inscriptions are "contrary to the guidelines for headstone inscriptions" and lower the standards of the churchyard. The council want the puzzle and equation removed from the gravestone.

Farndon Parish Council also managed to misspell Mr Robinson's name as "Allen".

Why are councils sometimes so insensitive?


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Ker Farking Ching! - Making Death Pay

As the old saying goes "the only certainty in life is death and taxes".

Kudos therefore to Nanny for finding a way of taxing even the dead, as per this story that was pointed out to me by a loyal reader.

Around 40 people attending a funeral service were somewhat "underwhelmed" when a traffic warden placed a parking ticket onto a funeral limousine outside St Saviours Church on Lewisham High Street.

The Sun claims that, when confronted, the traffic warden said:

“I am doing my job.”

Ah yes, that rather familiar refrain!

Funeral Director Nicki Dunphy said:

“Everyone is outraged. 

She brazenly put the ticket on the car when the family hadn’t even gone into the church. 

We, and other funeral directors, have to stop to unload coffins and to let grieving families exit the cars. 

There are funerals every week at St Saviours Church and dozens of other churches all over the borough and I’ve never heard of this happening before. 

People expect a bit of respect - this isn’t just a public car.”

Unsurprisingly, following a hoo hah, Nanny's chums from Lewisham council have since apologised:

“We apologise for any distress the issuing of this parking ticket has caused. 

Funeral hearses and limousines are exempt from parking restrictions and the Penalty Charge Notice should not have been issued. It has now been withdrawn.”

Proof positive that Nanny will try every trick in the book to raise money from her "loyal" subjects!

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The Floating Corpse

Here is a very sad story that was recently featured in the media, highlighting how deeply health and safety regulations are impacting the ability of the rescue services to perform their roles.

Simon Burgess fell into Gosport Boating Lake and drowned, his corpse (note, no one is yet sure as to when he died in the water as he suffered from blackouts) then floated on the water whilst the crews of two fire engines, two police cars, two ambulances and an air ambulance looked on.

For why?

They were told not to enter the 3 foot deep water, in case they "compromised their safety".

A specialist water rescue crew arrived 26 minutes later, and removed Mr Burgess's corpse from the lake.

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Nanny Teaches Compassion

I am "gemused" to read that Nanny has now taken up the role of teaching compassion and empathy towards people who are ill.

Quite how the state is meant to be able to teach compassion and empathy is beyond me.

Anyhoo, this nonsense all started a wee while ago following a heart attack (that proved to be fatal) suffered by Mandy Mathieson in Tomintoul Moray last October.

An ambulance technician, who was but 800 yards away, was alerted. However, he refused to respond.

For why?

He was on his tea break!

Instead, the call for emergency medical treatment had to be answered by paramedics based miles away. The medical team arrived at the scene some 30 minutes later. Unfortunately, Ms Mathieson was pronounced dead when they arrived.

Nanny has decreed that the technician, who was on his tea break, will keep his job (see, Nanny can be compassionate!).

However, he will undergo training. One assumes that this training will be in compassion and empathy.

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Bullying Bastards

The tragic report in The Times about the suicide of Brian Gilfillan (an NHS records officer from Kirkcaldy) who was hounded to his death by sadistic bullies within the Fife NHS management "team", highlights why conscientious people who show initiative and think outside the box should never work for the state.

Nanny hates initiative and "out of the box thinking", she will do all that she can to stop it; even if it means hounding people to their deaths.

Read the report into this disgrace in The Times.

The state has become the enemy of the people.

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Prats of The Week - Norwich City Council

Tis a Tuesday (post Bank Holiday) morning and time, methinks, to award another of my prestigious and internationally famous "Prats of The Week" Awards.

This week it goes to Norwich City Council, for their fuddy duddy attitude to a memorial created by Kevin Edwards in Earlham Cemetery for his brother Darren.

The memorial consists of a bench on a bed of pebbles. Initially there were concerns that the bench did not comply with council guidelines wrt memorials. However, the issue that is sticking in the craw of the council is the use of pebbles as bedding.

The council worries that the pebbles may be picked up by vandals and thrown, hence they want the pebbles removed.

However, the pebbles have been there for a couple of months and no one has picked them up for throwing.

Seemingly the regulatory services team from the council are working with Mr Edwards to resolve the issue wrt the loose pebbles.

Isn't this a bit fuddy duddy?

The dead will not notice if a few pebbles are thrown.

Wouldn't this council, and indeed other councils, be better spending their time checking for loose paving slabs etc in city centres, which are the missile of choice of yobs?

I live in Brighton and wonder what Norwich City Council would say about the humongous number of pebbles on our beach!

Norwich City Council, well meaning, but well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Prats of The Week - Milton Keynes Borough Council

Ooh Err Missus!

Tis time for another Prats of The Week Award.

This week it goes to Milton Keynes Borough Council.

For why?

Ask Terrie Rose and her partner Lee Smythe. They were given a £8.60 per minute penalty charge, totalling £86, by the council.

For what?

For spending an extra 10 minutes, over and above the agreed allotted/booked time, saying goodbye to their deceased baby, Zane, at Crownhill Crematorium in Milton Keynes.

Milton Keynes borough council stated that the extra charge was levied automatically on families who did not book extra time for their service. However, it stated:

"However, when we learned that there were extenuating circumstances we, of course, refunded the extra charge."

Call me a cynic but do you think the charge would have been refunded if the media hadn't got involved?

Milton Keynes Borough Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Too Dangerous To Rescue

It seems that Nanny's attitude to "risk" and health and safety may have cost someone their life, or at the very least distressed the dead man's family.

An inquest has heard the tragic story of what happened in the last hours of Karl Malton's life.

In May last year Mr Malton was hit by a car as he walked along an unlit country road, near his home in Crowland. He fell down a 15 ft bank into a ditch filled with 18 inches of water.

Police (ten of them), firemen (a fire engine load) and paramedics (an ambulance load), having all carried out risk assessments, were ordered by their respective bosses not to climb down the bank to help him (it was unclear as to whether he was already dead or not).

Instead a decision was made to send for a "water rescue team", based more than 50 miles away. Mr Malton's body lay in the ditch for 3 hours, whilst the rescue teams (waiting for water rescue) sat around and drank tea.

The inquest heard that officers no longer have to swim or receive life-saving training.

It has come to this!

When are the British public going to rebel against Nanny and her health and safety legislation, and reclaim their lives?

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Nanny Bans Clothes

Environmental zealots running Kirklees Council in West Yorkshire have put their noses into the usually very private matter of funerals (cremations to be precise), and have ruled that the clothing of the deceased must comply with their/EU pollution laws.

Thus those families who want to cremate their relatives in their favourite football shirts or with soft toys (for children) have had their wishes overruled.

Kirklees Council is the only authority in the country to adopt the approach, according to a national cremation body.

Those who use cremation must spend £60 on natural-fibre shrouds.

The council demand that:

"If a family wishes to cremate their loved one in anything other than a shroud, the funeral director should contact bereavement services so this can be discussed to clarify what type of garments the family wish to use."

Even 100% cotton is banned, Kirklees Council argue that natural fibre clothing could contain man-made dyes or fibres that will impact on emissions.

I would therefore ask, given the alleged "risk" to the environment of burning non Nanny type clothes, why is Nanny allowing coffins (and indeed bodies) to be burned at all?

Surely this constitutes an emission threat?

Why not go the whole hog, and demand that bodies be dipped in a bath of acid?

Whilst in the harsh reality of a universe in which there is no afterlife and no god (my view) what the deceased wears makes no difference in a practical sense, in a personal sense to those families who want some form of comfort to justify human existence this is an unnecessarily cruel rule.

We should, whilst we exist, try to treat each other with a little kindness and empathy; there is nothing to follow once we have breathed our last.

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