A Chilling Warning From Labour - They Are Coming For All of Us!

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Bullying Bastards

The tragic report in The Times about the suicide of Brian Gilfillan (an NHS records officer from Kirkcaldy) who was hounded to his death by sadistic bullies within the Fife NHS management "team", highlights why conscientious people who show initiative and think outside the box should never work for the state.

Nanny hates initiative and "out of the box thinking", she will do all that she can to stop it; even if it means hounding people to their deaths.

Read the report into this disgrace in The Times.

The state has become the enemy of the people.

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Dishonest Greedy Bastards

Re yesterday's article about Nanny's plans to "outsource" the responsibility for storing data on our phone calls, emails and internet activity to the private sector.

It seems that she may be about to hit a slight "snafu", thanks to the activities of a number of staff (hereinafter referred to as dishonest, greedy, bastards) at T Mobile who have happily been flogging customer details to rival companies.

The Information Commissioner is, quite rightly, livid at this wholesale plundering of private/confidential data.

The trouble is, the problem is not just confined to the a small number of dishonest greedy bastards at T Mobile.

It is in fact endemic within the entire mobile phone industry (my own mobile phone has been, on occasions, on the receiving end of cold calls from rival operators who could only have received my details from dishonest greedy bastards working for my mobile phone provider), and doubtless within call centres (most especially offshore ones, which are infiltrated by professional criminal gangs) and other "wired/wireless" services providers.

This lays everyone of us to having our private data (including the contents of emails, texts etc) sold off to all and sundry, and used against us by dishonest, greedy, bastards.

Nanny, by requiring these companies to keep even more detailed records on us, is placing even more of the private details of our lives (and indeed our lives themselves) in the hands of these dishonest, greedy, bastards.

Nanny's database plan must be stopped, here and now, before we lose the last vestiges of control over our lives.

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Nanny's Targets Kill

Nanny would have us believe that her rules, regulations and targets (used to enforce her rules) are there for our own good. She would have us believe that she has our own interests at heart, and above all wants us to lead long, happy and healthy lives.

Unfortunately this is complete bollocks, as the recent shocking revelations about Mid Staffordshire NHS Foundation Trust, which runs Stafford and Cannock Chase hospitals, prove.

Such were the failings within the "Trust" (a contradiction in terms) that 400-1200 people died as a result of gross mismanagement and neglect (in spite of, or rather because of, Nanny's farking target driven health service).

The situation was so bad that even our "beloved" Prime Minister was forced to apologise (something he actually doesn't do normally) for the "inexcusable" failings.

Families of the deceased, and those lucky enough to escape the hospitals alive, have described "Third World" conditions at the trust, with some patients drinking water from vases because they were so thirsty and others screaming in pain.

The trust, when initially confronted with complaints, claimed that the anomalies were due to problems with its recording of data rather than the quality of care for patients.

How these bastards try to deceive and lie to us when they feel threatened!

Given that Nanny claims her target driven NHS is "world class", how can such a Third World disaster happen?

Let me explain:

1 Targets encourage cheating, greed and an abrogation of self responsibility.

2 No one is prepared to take responsibility for their own actions, as it is easier to hide behind targets and procedures.

3 Targets can be abused; eg if there is a 4 hour treatment target, hospitals easily meet that by not admitting a patient until the 4 hour target can be met (ie they will rather let the patient suffer and die rather than fail to meet the target).

In summary, the ultimate result of the Nanny state is the stifling of initiative and self responsibility; where no one is prepared to take responsibility for their actions and people hid behind "procedures", targets and red tape.

Nanny is the enemy of the people, and will kill us all if we don't dump her first!

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Prats of The Week - Nanny Bans Cycles

You know how Nanny keeps entreating us to exercise more, so that we don't become a nation of fat bastards?

You would have thought therefore that Nanny would have been well supportive of Sam O'Shea (10 years old) who wanted to cycle to St Paul's Primary School in Portsmouth, wouldn't you?

Well my old muckers, you would be wrong.

St Paul's banned him from cycling, claiming:

1 They had nowhere to store bicycles, and

2 The roads were too dangerous to cycle on in the area.

Here's why the above reasons are complete bollocks:

1 Sam and his parents were on TV last night discussing the issue face to face with one of the governors and headmistress of the school (in front of the school gates), it was a rather testy discussion with the headmistress saying "you don't want to see it from our point of view". Sam pointed to a purpose built storage area for bikes that had been erected (can I say "erected"?) only recently; they do have storage facilities.

2 It's not the school's responsibility to dictate to parents what is safe/unsafe outwith the school gates. Sam's parents are the ones who must decide if the roads are safe for him to cycle to school.

St Paul's Primary School, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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The Dangers of Flowers

Pity the poor elderly residents of a care home in my borough of Croydon, who have been told by our "respected" local council to take down the plastic flowers in their care home.

Croydon council has placed posters in the elderly people's home asking them to remove the tubs of plastic flowers that residents had placed in the accommodation, along with some ornaments, to add a splash of colour.

Nanny says that they pose a fire hazard to Tonbridge House and have said that failure to take heed of the warning "may result in legal action", leading to eviction.

Bastards!

It is no small irony that in days of yore the false blooms have been a success with the authorities, being featured in the council's own magazine.

Some residents have had their fake shrubs for 40 years. Bernard Towner, 65, called the decision "ridiculous".

However, the council has stood by its decision saying that pots placed in the corridors could be an obstruction if the building needed to be evacuated.

Resident Bernard Towner, 65, said:

"The wording of the letter was so aggressive - we might have been a bit more understanding if someone had come to speak to us but this was the first warning we got.

It's ridiculous really - I was talking to one lady who said she has had her flowers there since she moved in 40 years ago."

A council tenancy officer ordered their removal after visiting Tonbridge House last week. Posters were put up demanding the corridors were cleared due to health and safety fears.

The worker said the residents were in breach of their tenancy agreements, and that their flower pots and trinkets were a fire hazard.

As said:

Bastards!

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Miserable Bastards

Congratulations to the miserable bastards who run the Victoria Shopping Centre in Ysgol San Sir Llandudno, for displaying some remarkably mean Nanny tendencies and banning some school children from singing Christmas carols because they were too loud.

Whilst the media work themselves up into a frenzy about another country getting uppity over the name of a certain teddy bear, we should look to our own laurels wrt intolerance and bloody minded busybodiness.

Anyhoo, the school kids had been given permission to sing in the shopping centre and indeed were accompanied by their schoolteacher and parents.

That of course did not stop the miserable gits who run some of the shops there from complaining that the singing was too loud.

At this point the shopping centre security staff asked them to stop, after which the police then turned up as well!

How farking ridiculous is that?

The furore that this absurd incident caused has needless to say brought about abject signs of contrition from the centre manager, Sue Nash, who has now admitted/realised that the intervention of security staff was "a mistake" and said the pupils would be allowed to return this weekend.

Ian Jones, headmaster, said:

"They were a small group singing Christmas

carols to raise money,

and they were singing beautifully.

After a bit, a security guard came over

and said we had only meant to be singing

for one hour, and could we please stop.

I just said no, because I knew we were

allowed to sing between 11am and 3pm.

He said he had complaints from tenants

that we were too loud and asked us to stop.

I just asked how he proposed to stop children singing.

In the end, he said we would have to stop

or he would call the police.

A member of the public came over and

said she thought the singing was fantastic."

A Police Support Officer then attended the scene and asked the pupils to turn down the backing music on the CD player, and sing more quietly.

Mr Jones said:

"I couldn't believe what they were saying.

Some of the parents were incredulous."

Whilst, on the face of it, this may seem to be a storm in a teacup it does illustrate a number of issues wrt the Nanny state and the effect that it has on people:

• Intolerance of those who act outwith the norm, in this case kids singing where singing is not normally performed



• Intolerance of individuality and public performance (remember folks, Nanny wants public performers to have licences)



• Lack of common sense being applied by individuals and organisations (couldn't the shopkeepers have put up with it for an hour or so? Couldn't the security guard have kept his nose out of this? etc)



• The use of the state, and organs of the state, to settle personal disputes and pursue private vendettas (why on earth call the police?)

All in all this incident is an excellent example of the worst traits of Nanny Britain.

Nanny's New Book Burners

Are you sitting comfortably children?

Then I'll begin:

"Once upon a time there was a very nasty

bunch of people living in Naziland,

who didn't much care for freedom of speech

or expression.

When they came across 'seditious'

material in a book, magazine or

newspaper they would burn it.

That way all these nasty 'seditious'

thoughts and ideas wouldn't pollute

the pure minds of the citizens of Naziland.

Fortunately the good people of Britain,

and what was left the free world, bombed

the bastards to death.

That, my dears, was the end of book

burning in Western Europe..."

Or was it?

You see there are other forms of "book burning" that don't necessarily require a physical conflagration, and are less obvious.

For example, if Nanny can censor a book before it is even published that removes the need for a public burning.

Nanny's chums in Orchard Books are converts to the 21st Century version of book burning. They were shocked and appalled at the ideas being developed in a book by Lindsey Gardiner, and therefore decided to tell her to remove certain parts from her book before they would publish it.

What were her crimes?

Poetry praising suicide bombers maybe?

No, you go to jail for that in Nanny's Britain (rather odd that Rupert Brooke was praised less than a century ago for his turgid tripe eulogising the glories of war), the book is a children's book.

The crime?

Ms Gardiner featured a fire-breathing dragon, which the book burners at Orchard Books felt to be a health and safety hazard.

What?

I hear you ejaculate (can I say ejaculate?)

I kid you not!

Seemingly, in Britain's new order, the scene showing her dragon toasting marshmallows with his breath was deemed likely to encourage children to do the same.

Errrmm...can anyone spot the rather obvious flaw in this dubious "logic" employed by Orchard?

Yes, that's right, there aren't any farking dragons!

However, those of you who are into dragons may enjoy this episode of "Ivor The Engine" which has escaped the book burners.



Ms Gardiner was also instructed to remove scenes relating to an electric cooker with one element glowing red (it had to be changed to green???), and of a boy on a ladder.

How the fark are children meant to learn about the world, if they are not allowed to read about it?

People have ladders and cookers, you cannot edit them out of real life.

Ms Gardiner noted that her manuscript for "Who Wants A Dragon?" was hardly any more dangerous than Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood etc (all involving death by eating, child molestation scenarios and allegories for the onset of puberty).

Ms Gardiner said:

"It's a sad reflection of modern society."

She is quite right, Nanny and her book burners are destroying society in a way that the people of Naziland could only dream of.

She added:

"I've had books published in Japan,

France, Spain and Holland and

they don't ask for the same changes.

It seems to be in Britain and the U.S.

that there are problems."

We have become what we sought to protect the world from, intolerant book burners.

Orchard Books claim:

"With a wealth of fascinating fiction

and stimulating non-fiction,

we've got everything you'll ever need."

Why not drop them a note and let them know what you think?

Here is the link Orchard Books

The people of Orchard Books should remember this:

"Where first you burn books you next burn people."

A Nation of Fat Bastards

It is official!

Nanny has decreed that, unless something is done, we will become a nation of fat bastards by 2050.

In the largest ever UK study into obesity, backed by Nanny and compiled by 250 "experts", it was concluded that excess weight is now the norm in our "obesogenic" society.

Odd...have these people never read any womens' magazines, or gone to any fashion shows, which feature only skinny waifs?

Anyhoo, since it is a Nanny report we can only assume that it must be 100% factually correct.

The good news is that individuals can no longer be held responsible for obesity.

Great, so it's not our fault!

Isn't that marvellous?

Maybe not, for you see if we are not responsible for our actions (such a lame excuse, and so readily used by Nanny) then Nanny must do something to "help" us; ie she will enforce thinness.

The report concludes that "dramatic and comprehensive action" is required to stop the majority of us becoming obese by 2050.

Errrmm...so what precisely will be the nature of this "dramatic and comprehensive" action?

The report doesn't say, in fact it goes on to say that there is "scant proof" that any anti-obesity policy works.

However, let us not worry about facts or failed policies. The report is clear in that "every level of society, from individual to the upper echelons of government, must become involved in the campaign against a condition which carries such great social and economic consequences".

The new age Nazis are on the march, this time it is not the Jews that will be frogmarched off to the camps but those deemed to be "obese".

Pass the sick bag, these zealots make me puke!

Sir David King, the government's chief scientific advisor and head of the Foresight Programme which drew up the report, said:

"There is a danger that the moment to act

radically and dramatically will be missed.

It is a problem that is getting worse every year."

The irony being that the reason, according to the report, that we are all so fat is that we now live in a society that has abundant energy-dense, cheap foods, labour-saving devices, motorised transport and sedentary work.

Now call me stupid, but isn't that something worth celebrating?

Mankind for millennia has struggled with famine, diseases related to malnutrition, and backbreaking work that sent us all to an early grave by the time we hit 35-40.

Now, at least in the West, we live "farking well"; way beyond the dreams of our ancestors.

Would Nanny rather we went back to the days of malnutrition, and working 7 days a week in fields just to harvest a few mouldy spuds???

You know, I think she would.

The reason that we are fat is because we have a genetic inheritance that stores calories in times of plenty. There are really only two ways to keep trim; eat less, exercise more.

People know that, but really dislike being bullied to do so. The more Nanny shrieks at the top of her annoyingly shrill voice that we are fat, the less likely it is that anyone will take notice.

Sir David ignores this truism, and said that "it was clear" that Nanny needs to involve herself.

Ugh!

Nanny's Public Health Minister, Dawn Primarolo, is going to hold further consultations to decide how to proceed.

Be prepared for fat taxes...totally unworkable...but of course Nanny would feel that she was doing something.

I warn you again, we will all end up being frogmarched off to "fat camps".

Patronising Bastards!

Our old "friends" in the Health and Safety Gestapo are up to their old tricks again.

This time they have put their interfering size 10's into the positioning of a bench for a bus stop.

Helen Greenough and Vera Clews had been badgering Stoke-on-Trent City Council for two years to install a bench, so that they could rest their legs as they waited at their nearest bus stop.

Two years on, and it finally arrived.

One small problem, the dimwits in the council (local councils, what are they good for?) installed it back to front; so that it faces a hedge, rather than the road.

The elderly passengers who use the bust stop are getting stiff necks from having to look over their shoulders all the time, to see if the bus is coming. When they do spot the bus, they often can't get round the bench quickly enough in order to catch it.

Now why did Stoke-on-Trent City Council put the bench back to front?

Health and Farking Safety!

Quote:

"The bench was put in this position

because it would be dangerous to have it facing the road.

Some elderly people are unsteady on their feet

and would risk falling into the road or getting

splashed if it was facing the road."

For fark's sake!

How many elderly people are falling over in front of buses in this country?

Mrs Greenough and Mrs Clews said the position of the bench on the Leek Road was "ridiculous". Mrs Greenough, 84, said it had become a "laughing stock".

Quote:

"We are nearly all pensioners on this road

and the bus only comes every 85 minutes

so you can be waiting a long time.

I've been on at the council for almost

two years trying to get this bench put in,

but if they can't do it right then they might

as well take it away.

There is nothing wrong with me,

I'm perfectly capable of getting on a bus without

falling into the road.

We are not all doddery old dears".

Nanny and her minions really are a bunch of patronising bastards!

By the way, it cost £50 to fix the bench in place. However, in order for it to be turned around it will cost £1000.

What a great country we live in!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

Smile and the whole world smiles with you!

That at least is the view according to Nanny. She has decided that if we all smile inanely, just as our soon to be departed leader does, then the world will be a much better place and we will forget all our troubles.

Therefore, in keeping with the "smile all the while" policy, Nanny intends to introduce "happiness" lessons in schools.

Yes, that's right, Nanny intends to teach children to be happy; so that the rise in cases of depression being reported is contained and pushed back.

Nanny's new "feely touchy" lessons will include subjects such as; how to manage feelings, attitudes to work and money, channelling negative emotions and how to take a critical view of the media.

This master plan has been devised by Lord Richard Layard, a Labour peer and professor of economics at the London School of Economics.

He wants school pupils to receive tuition in "how to be happy", up to the age of 18, and their progress in the subject should feature in university applications.

Does this mean then that universities won't take applications from miserable bastards?

That would have been a bit of a blow to wee Gordon Smiler Brown, back in his days as a student.

Lord Layard, the director of the wellbeing programme at the LSE's Centre for Economic Performance, said that his theory works something like this:

"Learning hard things takes an enormous amount of practise.

To play the violin well takes 10,000 hours of practise.

How can we expect people to learn to be happy without

massive amounts of practise and repetition?

I believe it can only be done by the schools.

Parents of course are crucial.

But if we want to change the culture,

the main organised institutions we have

under social control are the schools."

Errmmm...a few points m'lud:

1 You cannot learn to be happy from a formal lesson

2 You are either a happy person by nature, or you are a miserable git

3 It is the role of the parents to teach children to appreciate what they have, and as such give them some contentment in their lives

4 Learning to play the violin is totally different to being happy. Indeed, creativity often comes from a very tortured and troubled soul. Van Gogh could hardly be called a "happy" person could he?

5 M'lud just about manages to include parents in his "grand plan". However, it is clear that he doesn't really think that they have much of a role. Nanny hates biological parents (must have been something that happened to her in her childhood)

6 M'lud wants to "change the culture", why? Doesn't this sound rather sinister?

Frank Furedi, a sociology professor at Kent University and author of Therapy Culture, thinks that it is a load of bollocks.

Quote:

"In pushing emotional literacy, what some teachers are

really doing is abandoning teaching.

They are giving up and talking about emotions instead,

so that children value all this non-discipline-led

activity more than maths, English or science.

What is amazing about this is that time and time again,

research says that it does not work."

People are "unhappy" because they are dissatisfied with their lives.

They are dissatisfied with their lives because they are constantly told that they should achieve "X, Y and Z" (wrt love, health, money etc).

They do not achieve "X, Y and Z" because the targets are often unattainable; and the quality of the education system leaves many falling far short in the basic standards of reading, writing and social/cognitive skills that would enable them to at least have a sporting chance of achieving "X, Y and Z".

The children who "endure" Nanny's education system know full well that the system is failing them, hence they are depressed (as they see that they will never achieve what they are told that they should be achieving).

Here's a radical thought, how about teaching children to read and write first? Then, later, they can be challenged with "finding their feelings".

Nanny Bans Postman Pat

"Postman Pat
Postman Pat
Postman Pat and his black and white cat..."

All together now.. "Postman Pat..."

Sing you bastards!

Sing!

That is the jolly tune that I sing along to everytime I watch Postman Pat on the TV...sad individual aren't I?

Unfortunately, the good people of Market Harborough may find themselves locked up for such harmless pursuits.

Why?

Nanny has banned Postman Pat.

What? I hear you ejaculate (yes I can say ejaculate!).

Yes...Nanny has decided that Postman Pat, or rather a reasonable facsimile of him, is just too dangerous for the good people of Market Harborough to enjoy. Therefore, she has banned him.

A Postman Pat musical ride for kids is to be removed from outside a store in the St Mary's Place shopping precinct, because it's too dangerous.

The owners of St Mary's Place, who are evidently chums of Nanny, are worried that shoppers will walk into it.

Now call me pedantic..

You're pedantic Ken!

However, there are thousands of these rides (airplanes, cars, Postman Pat etc) outside thousands of shops throughout the country.

Precisely how many thousands of people walk into them, and injure themselves, on a daily basis?

Errrrmmm...none I would guess!

I would also add a small fact to the oinkment, as it were, (I know Nanny hates facts) namely that the 30p ride has been in the precinct for six years and no one has mutilated themselves by walking into it during that time.

Local businesswoman Sheryl Granger is mounting a stern resistance to Nanny, and is refusing to remove Postman Pat.

Quote:

"You would have to be blind to walk into it

it poses no more danger than a bollard.

Thousands of children have ridden it

and even more people have walked by it

without a single complaint or injury."

A spokesman for St Mary's Place said it was targeting "material outside shop boundaries with health and safety implications."

Bollocks!

The people who cite health and safety issues have no more knowledge of the law/facts than Postman Pat's pussy (can I say pussy?), Jess. They live in fear of being held responsible for everything they do, and seek to avoid that responsibility by hiding behind a non existent "health and safety issue".

People like that should not be given positions of responsibility.

Regrettably many such people do in fact hold positions, where they have power over others, most notably in local councils.

Postman Pat theme tune

The Bastards Have Won

Today is not a good day for freedom, following on from yesterday's article about Mel Smith smoking a cigar on stage in the People's Republic of Scotland, it seems that Nanny's Scottish anti smoking Gestapo have won.

Mel appeared in the play with a cigar. However, it remained unlit.

Nanny had threatened to close the Assembly Rooms if he lit up.

The bastards have won!

Useless Bastards

In order for Nanny to hope to exercise any authority over her charges, she must at least seem to be competent and capable; even if her views are vile and repugnant.

Judging from the accounting shambles in the Home Office, it seems that Nanny cannot even achieve the slightest degree of competency.

It is reported that when the gross transaction value of all debits and credits were totalled, the sum came to £26,527,108,436,994.

In case you are thinking that this is a tad high, you would be correct. The figure is in fact 2000 times higher than the Home Office's expenditure for 2005, and 1.5 times higher than the GDP of the entire planet!

Way to go Nanny!

Nanny and her acolytes are without doubt a bunch of useless bastards, who cannot even be trusted to sit the right way on a lavatory.

As such, she has absolutely no right to exercise any authority over us at all.

Nanny Bans Tartan Army

In the last couple of days I have written about Nanny banning all things English, and attributed this in part to her hatred of the English.

How wrong I was, evidently she is just as anti Scots as she is anti English.

Nanny's chums in the Commission for Racial Equality (CRE), the body that ensures that we all live in harmony with each other (just like the old Coke advert of the 1960's), have started to fret about the effects that the World Cup (I believe it starts tomorrow) will have on the Scottish persona.

Seemingly Nanny is worried that the Scots will offend their neighbours in the South, during this forthcoming "bung fest", by being a tad anti English.

Evidently the CRE (Scotland branch-isn't that racist in itself?) has received complaints about perceived anti-English sentiment in the last fortnight or so. Nanny won't stand for that, and issued a proclamation through the CRE:

"Scotland's public figures need to ensure [the World Cup] remains a force for integration, rather than a cause of division."

That's all very well, but in case Nanny hasn't realised it yet, the "bung fest" is in fact entirely based on stoking up nationalism and patriotism; that's why teams are divided into countries!

Whilst dick headed comments from so called "leaders" of the Scots, such as Jack McConnell (First Minister) who said that he would not be supporting England, can hardly be called bright; it is hardly a matter for the CRE, let Neanderthals such as McConnell dig their own political graves by allowing them to expose their childlike immaturity and bigotry to a wider audience.

The CRE, by making an issue out of it, will merely ensure that the "piss" is well and truly taken out of the English now. After all, why on earth should we give a toss about what a "bung fest" supporter shouts when he is drunk?

Ali Jarvis, a CRE director, said:

"Racism occurs when any person is stereotyped, harassed or discriminated against on the basis of their colour,

race,

ethnic or national identity.

Using the World Cup as a pretext for hostility against any nation or race,

including the English, is racism."

Herein lies Nanny's problem, she doesn't understand football. It's purpose is not to unite people, but to divide them along tribal lines; in effect, it is war by another means. Were Nanny to really understand the nature of the game, she would ban it.

Notwithstanding the sheer brilliance of the logic of my argument, Nanny will of course ignore me. The CRE is already getting into a bit of a funk over two complaints that it received, one from an Englishman living in Scotland over the sale of "anyone but England" T-shirts.

The other was from a Scot who objected to a newspaper article in which a shopkeeper spoke of selling out of Trinidad strips from Scots, "out of pure hatred for the English team". Trinidad and Tobago play England on 15 June.

Ms Jarvis added:

"We've been monitoring exchanges in the media (Ken says-good grief has it come to this!)

and noticed an anti-English tone to some of the views expressed,

for example in the letters pages.

In one newspaper, someone wrote on Monday that they were not supporting England.

By the middle of the week,

someone else wrote in to say all English should leave

and they were a scourge on Scotland."

Grow up, get a life, and let the children play at war. Sensible adults with well balanced lives should simply ignore this, so what if people wear these shirts?

I lived in Edinburgh for four years, as a student, and had a great time. There were occasions when I encountered anti English sentiment, but so what?

People can be jerks, it is as simple as that; no amount of interference from Nanny will change that.

Incidentally, my favourite anti English joke (note: I am English) from those days goes as follows (best enjoyed when read in a Scottish accent, preferably West coast):

When God created Britain, he took all the perverts, child molesters, deviants and other bastards sent them down South and called them the English!

Meanwhile one Englishwoman has claimed that she was unable to buy an England football top in an Inverness store, because staff told her that stocking such an item would have "offended the public".

David MacDougall, Tartan Army spokesman, summed it up rather well:

"I think in this day and age we might be a bit too sensitive.

People should take this in the spirit in which it's intended

just light-hearted banter and a bit of craic."

Nanny, get a life!

Nanny Bans Mr Whippy

Nanny has something of a horror of seeing children, or indeed adults, enjoy themselves. Frivolity, in her world, is a waste of time and energy and should be stamped out.

Needless to say, the sound of Greensleeves and the sight of a brightly coloured van selling ice cream is regarded by Nanny as being just toooo frivolous. Therefore she has decided that Mr Whippy, and his chums, should be banned from selling their highly dangerous and evil ice cream near schools.

Mr Whippy and his chums have been playing Greensleeves and selling ice cream to generations of British kids, and their parents, for the past 60 years. Now Nanny's chums in the health lobby have decided that ice-cream vans are a danger to children's health.

An amendment to the Education and Inspection Bill will be put forward this week. In the amendment, local authorities will be given new powers to stop ice-cream vans from operating near school gates.

This miserable bastard move comes on top of regulations being imposed by local authorities that ban ice-cream vans from using pay-and-display parking spaces, and rules that set up "ice-cream-free" exclusion zones around busy shopping streets.

Nanny's chums in Newham council informed Mr Whippy and his mates last month that it would fine van owners up to £80 if they used pay-and-display bays. Greenwich council has banned the vans from its streets altogether.

Miserable, sad, pathetic, jobsworth, bastards!

West Dunbartonshire council has introduced an exclusion zone around schools for vans.

As one dietitian said, all this daft ban will do is push the children into buying less healthy food and sweets at their local store.

Catherine Collins, the chief dietitian at St George's Hospital, Tooting said:

"This is the kind of blanket ban that gives the health lobby a bad name.

A healthy diet can factor in a sugary treat such as an ice-cream.

It is the frequency of that treat that is an issue.

Most choices from an ice-cream van would provide fewer calories and fat compared to a free choice from a newsagent."

Nanny is having none of that. Chris Waterman, the executive director of the Confederation of Education and Children's Services Managers (eh?), said:

"There are millions going into healthy food in schools, yet kids are rushing to spend their money on food from mobile vans

(Editor's note: it's called the free market matey!)

The ice-cream van industry may be saying it is in meltdown but for the sake of our children's health and safety we should keep the icons at Bournemouth and Blackpool but stop them driving around schools."

Twat!

As ever Nanny fails to make the distinction between a once in a while treat, and a daily overindulgence. If you are stupid enough to eat tons of ice cream every day then you will make yourself ill, but then that's your choice surely?

For the record a large single ice cream cone contains about 139 calories. A chocolate Flake adds about 100 calories.

A Mars Bar contains nearly 300 calories.

Will Nanny be banning those as well?

The next step that Nanny will be taking is to regulate and monitor what children eat outside the school gates, ie she will be insisting on regulating what they (and their parents) eat at home.

Are you happy with letting her do that?

Nanny Bans Bees

Nanny has many friends, sprites and elves, who are all willing to do her bidding; and impose their own views on us as to what we should/should not be doing with our lives.

It seems that the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) have taken to Nannying us in a big way.

Poor old Barclays came "a cropper" recently, in respect of one of their adverts.

The advert showed a man suffering an allergic bee sting reaction, and then falling into a river. This seemingly innocuous advert elicited complaints from a staggering 300 people (the population of Britain is 60 million, by the way).

Have you people really got nothing better to do with your lives?

Get a life you sad bastards!

As a result, ASA banned the advert on the ludicrous grounds that it offended people with allergies.

The tyranny of the minority knows no bounds when Nanny is in charge.

Nanny Bans The Maypole

Oh dear, it seems that Nanny has taken an extreme to dislike to yet another harmless British tradition.

This time she has set her sights on that centuries old pastime of dancing around the Maypole on May Day.

Now what could possibly be wrong with that, I hear you ask?

Well, according to Nanny's chums in the Health and Safety department of Sandwell Council in the Black Country, it breaches health and safety regulations.

Therefore, they have banned schoolchildren from dancing around it on May the First.

Miserable bastards!

Anyhoo, it may not have escaped your attention that the Mayypole is a phallic symbol.

Rumour has it Nanny will be banning penis's (or is it penii?) next.

Yikes!

Nanny Gets The Bird

Nanny has come up with another fun, novel and exciting use for her much vaunted Anti Social Behaviour Orders (ASBO's).

You remember ASBO's don't you?

These were the magical cure all for all the social ills afflicting Britain today. They were designed to short circuit the court system, so that drunken yobs and nuisance neighbours could be dealt with swiftly and effectively.

Anyhoo, Nanny has come up with another use for her favourite cure all. People who are caught feeding gulls in Scottish towns and cities will be ASBO'ed.

The ASBO option has been proposed in a report for the Scottish Executive, from the British Trust for Ornithology and Stirling University.

ASBO's could be used if offenders persist in feeding gulls, with fines and even jail a possibility if an order is breached.

A cull is ruled out because the population of some birds, particularly herring gulls, is very low. Aberdeen has about 7,000 gulls but the population is just 3,000 in Glasgow and 2,000 in Edinburgh.

However, it seems that some parts of Scotland now resemble scenes from Hitchcock's "The Birds".

The SNP's Margaret Ewing told how her MSP husband, Fergus, was dive-bombed by gulls while he was jogging in Lossiemouth.

As usual with Nanny's "big ideas" she has chosen to target the wrong people with the wrong legal instrument.

The best solution, let us dispense with the environmental niceties, is to shoot the little bastards.

Oops, that would of course contravene Nanny's other well thought out law that covers bird shooting.

Another nice mess you have got us in to Nanny!