Dick Wit

'Tis the season to be offended.

Now that Christmas is almost upon us, and our sideboards etc are groaning under the weight of nuts, booze, figs and other things let us not forget those who choose to be offended by panto.

Despite the fact that panto has always been a tad risque, what with double entendres and women dressing as men and men as women, some people still manage to be surprised at being offended by what they see.

Such is the case for a production of Dick Whittington starring John Barrowman and the Krankies at the Manchester Opera House. Seemingly the gestures, repeated references to "Dick" and other issues offended panto goer Natalie Wood. A full report can be found in the Manchester Evening News.

Suffice to say calls to ban the panto will be ignored.

Those of you who are easily offended should probably not go to the panto, lest you take offence at Dick's wit.

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Nanny Hates Sleeping Beauty

As expected, the media hysteria over the alleged behaviour of certain celebrities and politicians has had a knock on effect in the real world.

Sarah Hall, from Northumberland Park, has decided that the fairytale Sleeping Beauty promotes unacceptable behaviour which shouldn’t be read to young children.
She is of the view that it teaches children that it is ok to kiss a woman while she’s asleep, which she says is not acceptable.

ChronicleLive reports that she left a comment in her son’s record book, and contacted his school to ask if books featuring it could be taken out of circulation for younger classes.

She said:

 “In today’s society, it isn’t appropriate - my son is only six, he absorbs everything he sees, and it isn’t as if I can turn it into a constructive conversation.

“I don’t think taking Sleeping Beauty books out of circulation completely would be right. I actually think it would be a great resource for older children, you could have a conversation around it, you could talk about consent, and how the Princess might feel.

But I’m really concerned about it for younger children, would really welcome a conversation about whether this is suitable material."

She said:

“I think it’s a specific issue in the Sleeping Beauty story about sexual behaviour and consent.

It’s about saying is this still relevant, is it appropriate?”

All very well except, as with everything in life, deeds and words must be taken and judged in context. The kiss is in no manner or means portrayed in the fairytale as being sexual; ie it is clearly not an assault.

Kate Edwards, chief executive of Seven Stories, the national centre for children's books , argued stories like Sleeping Beauty have an important cultural and traditional role to play, and shouldn't be lost - but they can be 'played with'.

"The fairytale tradition is rooted in moral instruction, telling children what's right and wrong.

Of course, the cultural context and moral have changed hugely, so it's important that children are given cultural context - but you can do that without losing these stories.

We would always want to explore that story and its cultural relevance and rights and wrongs, as well as playing with it a bit.

Children have a strong sense of right and wrong, and talking about stories is a good way to access that.

We would also point to a lot of retellings of Sleeping Beauty, like The Worst Princess, which keep elements of the story but with a very empowered princess."

What about stories such as Little Red Riding Hood?

Surely being chased by a ravenous wolf is far more threatening?

More to the point, surely the attempted poisoning of Sleeping Beauty by the evil queen is not acceptable either?

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Humourless Students II - Nanny Bans Crossdressing

Oh dear, it seems that the attack of "humourlessness" that has affected the students of Oxford University has spread to those who study at Exeter University.

For reasons best known to themselves, the leaders of the university's Student Guild, recently got their knickers in a twist over cross dressing and decreed that it could be deemed as offensive as ‘blacking up’.

Now, in my simple mind, I thought that students were rather open minded and that if chaps wished to put on dresses and ladies wished to put on trousers, then that would be perfectly acceptable so long as it didn't frighten the horses.

Apparently not, for it seems that some chaps want to dress up as ladies purely for fun (eg post sporting event or pre celebration).

As we know, "fun" has been banned by Nanny's humourless students!

Nanny's Student Guild was worried that cross dressing would be deemed insulting to ‘gender-queer’ students.
Quote:

“The Guild is aware that there are several trans-identified students at Exeter and more who express their identity as gender-queer.

To parody this appearance is crass and offensive on the same level as ethnicity.


While 'blacking up' in various guises is not unlawful...by parodying an appearance you are taking on the public performance of a group of persons in a stereotypical or (sometimes) mocking way. 

The Guild does not act in disciplinary fashion against members of the student body for performances of this nature, but we do express disapproval of unthinking and insulting appearances against minority student groups in particular - before you dress up in this fashion we would ask that you reconsider your actions and act in a culturally sensitive way so as not to give offence. 

The Guild is not demanding that all such performances stop. We are merely asking for your consideration in making sure that your own individual behaviour is not harming, insulting or mocking another student."

On this basis I assume that "Little Britain", "The Two Ronnies", Danny La Rue films, all pantomimes etc etc are all banned on campus?

My advice to the students of Exeter, loosen up a bit; if you are this "anal" at your age, what will you be like when you are my age?

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Knobheads - Oh Yes They Are!

Greetings loyal readers, midway between the pig out of Christmas and the alcoholic oblivion of New Year, I am paying a brief visit online to warn you that Nanny has been busy this festive period.

Barrow Borough Council have decreed that the age old tradition of throwing boiled sweets at pantomime audiences is a health and safety risk, and have ordered actors to use marshmallows.

Pantomime, for those not familiar with the British tradition, is where parents take their children to watch the principal "boy" (an attractive young woman dressed as a man in thigh length leather boots) kiss the leading lady and the "dame" (a middle aged man dressed in an outrageous female costume) make some very risque camp jokes.

That dear readers is why so many Brits have sexual hang ups!

Anyhoo, for good measure aside from banning boiled sweets being thrown into the audience of Aladdin, Nanny has also forbidden the squirting of water into the auditorium and the flash of fireworks and puff of smoke when Aladdin's genie appears.

What a bunch of knobheads!

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The Joy of Dick

You will recall loyal readers that a wee while ago Nanny's chums in Flintshire Council banned Spotted Dick?

"It seems that the traditional British pudding "Spotted Dick" has been deemed "offensive" by the Thought Police.

As such the word "Dick" has been treated in an Orwellian manner and deemed "ungood". The new name for the pudding is "Spotted Richard"...."

I understand that, following a veritable deluge of complaints from the public, the council have now reinstated Dick!

What a waste of time!

Plonkers!

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Nanny Bans Panto - Health and Safety

"Oh No You Didn't!

Oh Yes I Did!"

Ah tis panto season again, the time when middle aged men dress as women, attractive young women dress in tights posing as men and get to kiss/make out with the leading lady who is also an attractive young woman....and we take our children to watch this.

This time honoured tradition has been going on for centuries, and nothing has stopped it until now. For you see dear readers, Nanny has got the wind up her bloomers over the health and safety issues of panto.

The panto players of Peterculter, Aberdeenshire, have performed for the last 17 years in their local village hall without any problems until now when Nanny's chums from Aberdeen City Council recently threatened them with a police raid.

For why?

Cross dressing adults?

No!

Woman to woman kissing?

No!

The show contravenes health and safety laws, because the show (Aladdin) was not licensed. The council had claimed the show did not have a "proper licence" under rules laid down in 1968.

Peterculter Theatre Club has a public entertainment licence for the show, but not a theatre licence (which would take 3 weeks to process).

One might ask why it is that this rule has only just been thrown in their face by the the council?

A spokesman for the Council said it had a duty to report licensing breaches to the police. In true Nanny style he said:

"We have no discretion in this matter. There is a minimum 14-day notice period for application for a theatre licence, which is laid down by statute and cannot be waived.

The legislation is in place to ensure the safety of people attending public buildings. In respect of a theatre licence, this includes checks on technical issues such as moving parts on stage, lighting safety curtains etc.

All of these have the potential to go wrong with serious implications for public safety."

Only obeying orders!

Surely the hall has a fire certificate etc?

Seemingly some form of solution was agreed upon, re the firebrigade checking all was in order, and the show went ahead.

Why could the council not have come up with that solution in the first place?

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The Dangers of Pantos

Twenty miles to London, and still no sign of Dick!

Yes folks, tis pantomime season again...where men dress as women, the principle boy is a girl (in a remarkably short skirt) and the leading lady gets to kiss the principle boy (who is a girl).

Only in Britain would people take young children to see such shenanigans (spelling???)...no wonder we have a few sexual hang ups.

Anyhoo, for once, Nanny doesn't mind about such cross dressing lesbian type issues.

What she does object to is the time honoured tradition of throwing sweets into the audience.

For why?

I hear you ejaculate...can I say ejaculate?

Simple, the sweets might hit the head of a child.

Organisers of the Babes in the Woods and Robin Hood production at Gorleston Pavilion Theatre, near Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, are shitting themselves that they will be sued for negligence if youngsters are hit in the face by a stray chocolate.

The theatre is not covered by insurance for any injuries from sweets thrown by the pantomime dame, Mark Hudson.

Instead, the sweets will be dropped into the front row and passed around by ushers.

Complete madness!

Oh no it's not!

In keeping with the spirit of the occasion I wrote this article whilst wearing an oversized dress, and elaborate makeup....well actually, that's a normal Saturday morning in the Frost household, but maybe we won't go into that!

Nanny Bans Santa

Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat
Stuff it!

Or so the old saying goes.

Anyhoo, Nanny and her sprites and elves have entered this season's festivities with their usual enthusiasm.

Nanny's sprites, working on Nanny's website www.teachernet.gov.uk, decided to offer some pre festive advice to those teachers planning Christmas activities for their pupils.

What was the advice?

Simple, ban Santa Claus!

It seems that according to Nanny, children need to be protected from "terrifying" Santa Claus. You see Santa is an overweight old man with a red face, who likes the company of children and asks them to sit on his lap.

Can you see the problem here folks?

That's right, in Nanny's Britain old fat people with red faces are considered to be sub human. Additionally, as every adult is in fact a paedophile, he is quite obviously a threat to the health and safety of the children.

Simple isn't it?

It is hardly surprising that, given the amount of negative Nanny spin gushed forth by the state about fat people, old people and the threats from paedophiles that children do find Santa a little frightening.

The website also said that staff organising school Christmas parties should take care not to arrange competitive games, with winners and losers; apparently this may upset the children, and make them feel they had "underperformed".

Message to Nanny, if you don't teach children to be competitive and to handle failure you leave them ill equipped to cope with the realities of life; in fact it could be argued that, by leaving them so ill prepared, you were in fact abusing them.

The advice on the website also had a go at pantomimes (where men dress as women, women dress as men and the principle "boy" is played by an attractive girl who gets to kiss an equally attractive female lead..now what on earth is wrong with taking children to watch that?) quote:

"For very young children, Father Christmas can be terrifying,

and if you are planning a visit from Santa, you'll need to make sure that fearful children are near an exit.

Trips to the pantomime can cause alarm, so the same planning applies.

Younger children in particular have a wide range of fears, many of which seem completely irrational to adults.

Many children dislike the dark or crowded rooms, so be sensitive to this if you are planning atmospheric lighting."

These people are allowed near children?

It is hardly surprising that we are breeding a nation of self centred, immature morons who are incapable of dressing themselves let alone looking after themselves.

The site went on to dig itself deeper into a hole by listing games that could be included in school parties, these games were devised by the "progressive" youth movement, the Woodcraft Folk.

Pass the sick bag, I think I'm going to throw up!

The advice said:

"Sometimes parties and organised games just reinforce differences and inequalities.

The last thing you want is for children to get anxious or upset because they feel they have underperformed, or not been successful.

If you do have games with winners, make sure that all children are given an opportunity to succeed where possible."

What utter...

wait for it..

wait for it...

BOLLOCKS!

Margaret Morrissey, of the National Confederation of Parent Teacher Associations, said: said:

"It is so sad that we have become so politically correct that we are trying to remove the magic of Christmas."

By the way children, can you guess what happened next?

That's right Nanny, as she always does when confronted by people who are actually prepared to stand up for themselves, took the site down and removed the "offending" pages.

Nanny then did her best to deny any responsibility, by saying that it did not represent official policy. A spokesman for the Department of Education squirmed:

"We fully support the traditional British Christmas.

This is not Government policy and was not produced by the department.

We have now withdrawn it as it does not reflect our views."

Questions:

-Why did Nanny put it up in the first place then?

-Isn't any one in charge at the Dept of Education?

The advice was put up because it accurately reflects the thinking of Nanny and her elves and sprites.

Nanny just doesn't have the courage to stand up for herself.

As such she deserves absolutely no respect.

Nanny Bans Dwarfs

The run up to Christmas is now in full swing.

One major part of the traditional British Christmas is the pantomime; where men dress as women, women dress as men and the "principle boy" and leading lady are both played by women who get to kiss on stage in front of children.

No wonder the Brits have a few sexual hang ups!

None of this is at all out of place in the traditional British Christmas. However, there is one aspect of the pantomime that Nanny is very cross about.

That of Snow White's seven dwarfs.

Nanny, for some odd reason, does not like dwarfs.

As such the Coxheath Players (can I say Cox on the net?), a Kent based drama group, have had to replace their seven dwarfs with seven gnomes.

The script was delivered to them (the Coxheath Players) without any reference to dwarfs, instead the word gnome has been substituted.

A spokesman for the Northampton-based publishers said that the change had come from a wish not to offend - gnomes being fictitious.

The script, which the publishers Jasper Publishing said was a popular version performed by about 10 theatre companies a year, also sees some of the traditional dwarf names changed.

Seemingly a gnome, which is a fictional character like a giant or an ogre, it is not offensive.

Karen Birkbeck, who will direct the show for the Coxheath Players, said:

"We have to go by the script and the script says gnomes, so they have to be gnomes, I'm afraid.

We've got a Bossy and a Basher instead of a Bashful and a Doc, but we've still got a Dopey - a very dopey Dopey."

Jim Sperinck, a director of Jasper, said:

"If you were 3ft 6in would you prefer to be called a dwarf in a pantomime or a gnome?"

Missing the point old boy, aren't you?

If you were unhappy with the idea, you would not have auditioned for it in the first place surely?

Additionally, using Nanny's logic, as I am 5 foot 10 inches I am effectively excluded from being able to apply for the part of a gnome/dwarf; doesn't that breach my human rights or something?

Incidentally, whilst we are on the subject, what about the Humpalumpas in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?

There's a whole host of issues in that............