Asthma Fags

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Halloween

It being Halloween again, I will be carving a very large pumpkin but battening down the hatches in preparation for the annual avalanche of trick or treaters (an annoying custom imported from the USA).

The only person I will be opening my door to this evening will be the Tesco delivery man, who is scheduled to deliver 96 cans of Red Stripe! I would note that, thusfar, Red Stripe cans do not besport their calorie content.

Happy Halloween everyone!

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US Nanny Really Hates Fags

My sympathies to the good people of Minnesota, whose local Nanny appears to have taken leave of her senses!

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Brighton and Hove Council Addicted To Fines

As loyal readers know, Nanny and her chums from our "beloved" local councils are addicted to issuing fines and charges over and above council taxes. The monies raised from these fines are used for paying Nanny's bills and for her pet projects, that invariably are hair brained or useless.

Step forward Brighton and Hove Green Council, which raked in £11.5M from car permit and penalty charges in 2013/14. According to The Argus the equivalent figure in 2012/13 was £10.9M.


More than £3.6M of last year’s parking kitty was raised through the issue of 117,772 penalty charge notices (PCNs). This is an increase from 114,332 in 2012/13.

The council claims that the money raised is pumped back into transport projects.

Are these projects for motorists?

No!

The schemes include concessionary bus fares for the elderly, installing new cycle lanes and planting lots of new trees around roads leading into Brighton in a bid to welcome motorists. Seemingly the trees were meant to make the motorist feel better!

As I have noted before, councils are the enemies of the people!

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Universal Credit - Genuine Tweet or Fake?

This doesn't look at all like the DWP trying to plant fake tweets and getting the wrong account. Nope. pic.twitter.com/Bw7Mj3setT
— Tentacle Sixteen (@latentexistence) October 27, 2014

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Prats of The Week - Brighton and Hove Council

As ever, the Green led council down of the sarf coast manages to make a mockery of itself by imposing petty and arbitrary rules and regulations based on Nanny's mantra of "health and safety".

This time Brighton and Hove council, in its infinite "wisdom", has decreed that two small ornamental fountains in a couple of sheltered housing schemes pose a risk of legionnaires' disease.

The council's solution?

Fill them in!

One fountain in Elwyn Jones Court in South Woodlands, London Road, Brighton was paid for out of the bingo winnings of one of the residents (Joyce Hutson) and installed by THE COUNCIL a year ago.

Now the council wants to fill it in, even though it was THE COUNCIL that installed it!

Elderly residents of Laburnum Grove sheltered complex in the Hollingdean area of Brighton were also told by the council that their fountain might have to be filled in.

Mrs Hutson has told The Argus that residents will sit around the fountain if the council tries to disconnect it.

The council said no decisions have been taken and that a report will be produced once risk assessments have been carried out.

The risk assessment will be carried out by someone with a clipboard ticking off all sorts of inane "what if?" scenarios, that have as much chance of occurring as the fountain being a source of ebola.

Oddly though, the council has also said the action only concerns water features in housing schemes and not public fountains.

Why is this odd?

Answer: because Brighton has at least one farking large fountain that, during the summer, spews water droplets (which can carry legionnaires' disease) all over the place.

Why isn't the council doing a risk assessment on its own fountains?

Brighton and Hove Green council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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The Dangers of Uncle Joe's Mint Balls

Nanny has issued an urgent warning to parents in the Wigan area to keep their kids away from a gentleman posing as "Uncle Joe", seemingly his mint balls are radioactive and may cause children to glow in the dark!


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Lose Weight - Go Shopping

Nanny is now so concerned about obesity, that the NHS is proposing that firms reward staff with cash or shopping vouchers if they lose weight.

A report published today by the NHS is quoted by the Huffington Post:

"Put bluntly, as the nation's waistline keeps piling on the pounds, we're piling on billions of pounds in future taxes just to pay for preventable illnesses."

Simon Stevens (NHS England CEO) said that the NHS has led to a "blind spot" about the healthcare of employees (because the state and the private sector do not make comfortable bed fellows), and workplace schemes to encourage weight loss have been largely ignored despite success abroad.

"The principal point is that employers in many countries have developed voluntary schemes for their employees whereby for example you actually get cash back based on participation in Weight Watchers or other type schemes."

Suffice to say Nanny doesn't intend to fund any private sector weight loss schemes, rather she (via the NHS) intends to "challenge" firms to bring in such schemes.

As to whether this gets anywhere, who knows?

I am of the view that we are bombarded day and night with adverts for slimming products and lectures from Nanny about our weight. Unless people have been living in a cave they must surely by now be aware of how to eat and exercise sensibly; people are not gaining weight because they don't know how to eat and exercise sensibly, therefore I doubt that more lectures and advice will have much effect.


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Nanny's £55 Dementia Incentive

When I was a wee lad my dentist was prone to find the need to drill and fill my teeth.

Was I a sugar fiend, with rotting teeth?

No!

I have never had a sweet tooth and any minor decay on my toothy pegs could have been left to heal (yes, minor decay can heal) or sit there without doing any harm, without the need to drill and fill.

For why then did my dentist always reach for the drill?

Because Nanny paid him per filling; ie he was incentivised to find problems, and to enact incorrect solutions, where there were none.

Step forward to the present day and Nanny pays GP's to inflict all manner of bollocks tests on us (eg blood pressure readings).

Today we learn of a very dangerous development, Nanny will pay family doctors £55 for every patient they diagnose with dementia under a new NHS England scheme.

This of course will incentivise doctors to diagnose every slightly forgetful person they see with dementia, putting those persons through unnecessary stress and intrusive/invasive state interference.

Unsurprisingly the scheme has been condemned as an “ethical travesty”!

Coming soon will be "Well Elderly Persons Clinics"!
 
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Nanny Bans Common Sense

In  Nanny's universe common sense has long since been abolished.

Step forward Tesco, a company that is currently imploding under the stress of its own idiocy, wherein its staff shouted at a customer to remove her guide dog from its Swiss Cottage branch.

Maya Makri was recently in the Swiss Cottage shop, with her clearly marked guide dog, when she was told by staff to "never come back".

The BBC reports that she said three cashiers shouted "no pets allowed" and to leave the shop.

Tesco said:

"This clearly should never have happened and we will contact Ms Makri directly to apologise."

Why are people, especially when performing their functions in a company/organisation, so devoid of common sense?

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Ebola Paranoia

Sadly the media scaremongering over ebola, and Nanny's kneejerk reactions to media pressure, have caused some people to become more than a little paranoid.

Jon O'Brien, of Turvey Bedfordshire, has told Sharnbrook Upper School that he wants his daughter to wear a face mask to school during the ebola crisis.

He is quoted by BedfordshireOnSunday:

"I don’t believe the crap the government are telling us in relation to Ebola so I emailed the school and said I would like my child to wear a mask.

I'm not going to wait for my child to catch Ebola I'm going to send my child to school with a mask and bloody goggles. 

I should be able to protect her and I will do what's best for her....

I’m not part of the 95 per cent of sheep that run this country and do everything they are told."

Whilst I respect his desire to protect his daughter, and the fact that he doesn't believe what politicians say, if ebola were running rampant in Bedfordshire wearing a mask would not be adequate protection.

Let us try to maintain perspective please!

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Boris Nixes Fag Ban

I am pleased to see that, despite commissioning the report that recommended banning fag smoking in parks, Boris Johnson has (following widespread criticism and ridicule of the recommendation) decided that the recommendation is bollocks.

As per the Telegraph:

"This idea in my view, as a libertarian conservative, comes down too much on the side of bossiness and nannying. 

One feature of life in London is that we are a city that allows people to get on with their lives within the law provided they are not harming anyone else."

Quite so!

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Eat More Fat

Hoozah!

Common sense at last!

As loyal readers know I have long expounded the meritorious benefits of eating fat. The body is like a car engine, it needs to be lubricated otherwise it seizes up. Hence fat in the blood stream aids the natural flow of blood around the arteries and veins etc.

Step forward Michael Mosley on "Trust Me I'm a Doctor" who says that contrary to conventional advice, eating more of some fats may be good for our health.

Earlier this year a systematic review, funded by the British Heart Foundation, "Association of dietary, circulating and supplement fatty acids with coronary risk" examined the links between eating saturated fat and heart disease. Despite looking at the results of nearly 80 studies involving more than a half million people they were unable to find convincing evidence that eating saturated fats leads to greater risk of heart disease.

In fact, when they looked at blood results, they found that higher levels of some saturated fats, in particular a type of saturated fat you get in milk and dairy products called margaric acid, were associated with a lower risk of heart disease.

A recent study, published in the Scandinavian Journal of Primary Health Care, "High dairy fat intake related to less central obesity" followed 1,589 Swedish men for 12 years. They found that those following a low-fat diet (no butter, low-fat milk and no cream) were more likely to develop fat around the gut (central obesity) than those eating butter, high-fat milk and whipping cream.

One reason for this is that fat is extremely satiating, so when people cut it out of their diet they consciously or unconsciously replace the calories with something else, often refined carbohydrates like white bread or pasta.


Hoozah!

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Nanny Hates Fags - Boris Bans Smoking

Nanny's war on the tax revenue raising weed continues unabated.

Step forward Lord Darzi author of a report published by London's Health Commission and, of all people, Boris Johnson.

The report ("Better Health for London") was commissioned by The Boris, who wanted advice on how to make London "healthier". The result being a series of extreme Nannyesque recommendations including:

- banning smoking in public parks

- banning smoking in Trafalgar and Parliament Squares 

- Oyster card discounts for commuters who walk part of the way to work

- a ban on junk food shops near schools

- traffic light labelling on menus at restaurant chains with more than 15 outlets.

Farking bollocks!

Nanny can fark right off!

My advice to Boris and Nanny is simple, if you want to improve the health of London then ban cars and lorries as they are the biggest polluters of all!

Next I assume they will ban people smoking in their own gardens!

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Nanny's Volte Farce

As loyal readers are well aware, Nanny has often chided (and indeed fined) those public spirited citizens who have ventured forth into their local communities and cut the verges, trimmed public hedges, planted flowers in roundabouts and attempted to fill in pot holes.

Nanny normally hates it when people use their initiative, as it makes her look surplus to requirements.

However, now that Nanny is finding it hard to make ends meet (and justify taxing us even more), her chums from Devon County Council have actually asked residents to fill in potholes themselves in order to save money on road repairs.

Devon County Council has (according to the Telegraph) an estimated backlog of 11,500 sections of road in need of repair, and has said up to a fifth of its neighbourhood highway workforce could be cut and replaced by volunteer “road wardens”.

Volunteer road wardens...how very Nannyesque!

The volunteers would help fill in potholes, as well as cleaning signs and trimming lawns and verges.

One might ask where our road taxes and council taxes are actually going, but I doubt that we would receive an honest answer.

What a volte farce!

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No Mollycoddling

I see that Welsh Nanny has issued an edict that warns of the dangers of mollycoddling kids who have glandular fever, tonsillitis etc.

Kids who have been struck down with tonsillitis and glandular fever should carry on going to school. The booklet, given to families in South Wales, says pupils should take “zero days off”; despite suffering a range of childhood illnesses such as conjunctivitis, head lice, threadworm and hand, foot and mouth disease.

Foot and mouth?

I thought cows got that?

Nanny goes on to recommend that kids should spend just four days away from school for measles, and take no more than five days for chicken pox, whooping cough and mumps.

The Telegraph notes that the guide was produced by a consortium of five local councils, including Cardiff.

As to whether this is workable or not remains to be seen, given that "one size" does not fit all and kids take different times to recover. I would also note that forcing them to come to school, whilst still contagious, simply spreads the bugs to others.

I wonder what Nanny's recommendation will be for Ebola?

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Knobhead of The Millennium

There are fools, idiots, prats and knobheads.

Most certainly the man who followed up a sneezing fit on a plane by saying loudly he had Ebola, is the knobhead of the millennium.

The Mail reports that following this outburst a Hazmat team rushed on to a plane from Philadelphia in the Dominican Republic.

The American passenger, who did not have Ebola, was detained by four officers and taken to the airport's medical centre in Punta Cana where, after numerous tests, I assume he was given a sound kicking for being a knobhead.

The remaining 255 people were forced to stay on board for two hours until he was cleared.


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Won't Someone Think of The Children?

The sad thing about living in a Nanny state is that it seems to leach some people's senses of humour out of them, especially when it comes to Nanny's child centric fetish.

Step forward the good people of the Black Lion pub in Leighton Buzzard, who put up an amusing chalkboard sign that said staff would nail children who are running around to the table.

Clearly anyone with half a brain can see that this was written tongue in cheek.

Sadly some people haven't got half a brain. Debbie Bird, editor of Babyworld.co.uk, told The Mirror it is important young children are ‘exposed to social events’ such as pubs and restaurants, and that she considers the sign to be aggressive.

One anonymous Facebook user suggesting the owners of the pub should be ‘arrested for promoting child abuse’.

How absolutely pathetic!

Children who are being a pain in the arse should not be in pubs, period!

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Pratts Bottom

My thanks to a loyal reader who passed me a story about the police.

Kudos to Bromley police for finding drugs hidden in a man's underpants.

Where precisely did they catch him?

Pratts Bottom!


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Prats of The Week - East Sussex County Council

I have heard of some truly daft ideas in my life, but this one takes the biscuit for utter fuckwittery.

Harbour Primary School in Newhaven has decided, or rather East Sussex County Council has decided, to introduce unisex toilets.

For why?

In order to prevent transphobia!

Ignoring the fact that transphobia in primary school kids is hardly the most pressing item (given how shitty the world is becoming), do the people in East Sussex County Council really think that primary school girls want to share their ablutions with primary school boys?

Seriously, what are these people thinking?
 

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Nanny's Anti Booze Pill

I see that our old friends from NICE have decreed that doctors should pro-actively ask more intrusive questions about our drinking habits and, based on those answers, prescribe a magic pill that will reduce our craving to drink.

Now here's the thing, as we all know, the NHS is struggling with finite resources to meet an infinite demand for it services. Therefore any additional cost burden will inevitably take resources away from other areas.

How much does one of these pills cost?

£3 a pop!

Who should be prescribed them?

People who drink 2 or more glasses of wine a day (or the equivalent).

Yes, you did read that correctly, 2 or more glasses of wine a day!

For why?

NICE are of the view that if you drink 2 glasses of wine a day then you are an alcoholic!

FFS!

These cretins need to get a life, and stop interfering in the lives of others.

Those who are alcohol dependent, and who come forward for help, are the ones that the scarce resources of the NHS should be focussed on; not the members of the public who drink a couple of glasses of wine, who are not dependent.

You may also be wondering about the side effects of these pills:

- nausea
- vomiting
- anxiety
- lack of sleep
- constipation etc etc

Hang on, doesn't alcohol do that too if you over indulge?

NICE really needs to get its head out of its backside!

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Prats of The Week - KFC

Kudos to a branch of KFC in Leicester that displayed utter fuckwittery over the issuance, or rather non issuance, of the obligatory KFC finger and face wipes.

The branch is trialing offering halal chicken alongside non halal chicken and, for reasons that escape all and sundry, decided that because the face wipes contain alcohol they should not be given out lest they offend Muslims.

Now here's the thing, Muslims are allowed to use alcohol for cleanliness and for medicine etc. The only issue being if they were to drink it.

Unless I am very much mistake people tend not to drink face wipes!

Suffice to say this sort of nonsense, aside from making KFC look like knobheads, stokes up tensions between Muslim and non Muslims by creating an issue where there isn't one.

A spokesman for KFC is quoted by the Telegraph:

“Our alcohol-based hand wipes are approved for use in all our restaurants, including those who are part of the halal trial. 

There was a misunderstanding at the store in question, but the wipes are now being used again.

We’re sorry for the customer’s experience.” 

Sigh!

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Nanny Declares Tom and Jerry Racist

In an absurd piece of Nannyism Amazon Prime Inatsnat Video has declared that Tom and Gerry cartoons are racist and, as such, now issues a warning.

Tom and Gerry, made many moons ago, sometimes featured a coloured maid and in later years an Irish maid. Despite the fact that for some households of the era this was the norm, Amazon have decreed it to be racist.

It is ironic, given that current TV sitcoms etc regularly feature South American maids 9whrein the "joke" is often their inability to communicate with their employers).

Will Amazon be issuing a racist warning about these programmes too?

Come to think of it, will Amazon be issuing a warning about all films etc featuring non white members of staff; eg Gone With The Wind, Roots, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air etc?

Complete bollocks!

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Stoptober

As Nanny launches yet another tiresome campaign aimed at encouraging us to drink and smoke less, it is with huge irony that the ONS have revised upwards Britain's GDP figures for 2013.

Why is that ironic?

Well, one of the reasons for the upward revision is the fact that (because of EU regulations) GDP must now include figures from illegal/semi illegal activities (eg drugs and prostitution).

The inclusion of these figures added (albeit by way of estimate) another £12.3BN to the British economy.

However, the real irony is that booze contributed only £11BN.

Thus proving the old adage, that the more that you try to ban something the more popular it becomes.

There's irony for you!

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