Nanny Bans Mince Pies

"Tis the season to be merry,

Trah Lah Lah..."

It's that time of year again where people do their best to have a good time, and Nanny does her best to stick her nose in where it is not wanted.

Nanny's chum Neil Davies, headmaster at Mynydd Cynffig Junior School in Kenfig Hill, has decreed that home-made mince pies and other Christmas cakes are to be banned, because in his view they pose a health and safety threat.

The children at his school were looking forward to taking their mothers' highly toxic cakes to the school's annual Christmas sale.

However, Davies banned them because he believes that some children have allergies to certain foods and he could never be sure of the ingredients which had been used in home-made produce.

Quote:

"There is a risk of someone becoming ill

from something home-made.

I don't know what the ingredients are

and there are allergies.

Because of things like that,

we made a decision as a school.

I have had no complaints from anyone

linked to the school about this.

I have got to guarantee the health

and safety of the pupils."

Here's why he is talking bollocks:

1 There is a risk in every food product we eat

2 You cannot eliminate risk

3 To attempt to wrap children in cotton wool is a very bad way to prepare them for the real world

4 He has not got to "guarantee" health and safety

5 How many thousands of kids die each year from eating mince pies?

6 Children and adults eat themselves sick over Christmas

7 Home made food is better than shop made shite

8 I bet he has had complaints...

Here's a complaint, one mother is quoted:

"It seems crazy.

We invited our children's friends round

for parties at home and serve up mince pies

we've cooked,

so what's the difference selling them

at the Christmas school fair?"

Children wrapped in cotton wool make lousy adults, denying them a decent level of exposure to the real world is a form of abuse.

Who Ate All The Pies?

Hello folks, I have dragged myself away from the mince pies and assorted Christmas goodies to bring you this sorry tale of Nannyism that landed on my desk a wee while ago.

Nanny has stuck her interfering nose into the noble art of pie eating. The organisers of Wigan's prestigious pie eating contest have been seduced by Nanny's dark side, and changed the rules.

First prize has always gone to the contestant who could eat the most meat and potato pies in three minutes.

However, the title of World Pie Eating Champion will now be awarded to the person who can eat a single pie in the shortest time.

Pah!

I spit upon such nonsense.

This debasement of the noble art of pie eating is in response to Nanny's incessant whining about the number of calories that we all consume.

As if this were not enough, to add insult to injury, vegetarians will be allowed to eat non meat pies.

What is the world coming to?

Dave Smyth, who won the first contest in 1992 when he ate four pies in three minutes, thinks that this is bollocks.

Quote:

"This contest has always been about savouring as many pies as possible

over a three minute period,

not sprinting through a few mouthfuls of a single pie.

They've taken things too far this year.

Pies are supposed to be meat and potato

and anything else just isn't normal.

I intend to lobby the organising committee

and I'm not going to rest until I've got answers."

Each pie weighs 12oz and contains about 400 calories.

Organiser Tony Callaghan said:

"I realise it may be controversial,

but this is the way forward for pie-eating at this level.

It will make for an exciting sporting spectacle,

whilst also doffing its cap to Government guidelines on obesity.

We have also bowed to relentless pressure from the Vegetarian Society

and agreed to introduce a vegetarian option,

although vegetarian pie-eaters in the competition

will be allowed to eat a slightly smaller version

because of its rather more glutinous content."

FYI, Hitler was a vegetarian.

In honour of this noble art I am off to consume another mince pie!

The Dangers of Mince Pies

It seems that in some parts of the country people celebrate Christmas in rather unusual ways.

In the Paisley Centre shopping mall, Scotland, the resident Santa Claus has been forced by his employers to wear a hard hat for health and safety reasons.

Why?

Youths pelted him with mince pies from the upper level of the shopping centre, as he was handing out treats to customers.

Santa now has to wear a hard hat, decorated with antlers, to protect him.

Santa was not injured by the flying pies.

It's a funny old world!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Nanny Bans Mince Pies

In keeping with the season, you will undoubtedly not be surprised to hear that Nanny has banned mince pies.

Rather, Nanny's health and safety Gestapo have ordered that a risk assessment of mince pies be conducted before she allows a Christmas party to take place.

Nanny's jobsworth lackeys in Craven Council have decreed that the organisers of the Embsay Christmas party (a village in the Yorkshire Dales) must perform a risk assessment of their mince pies, or their party will be "nixed".

Nanny's council have also ordered that posters will have to be displayed at the party, warning villagers that the pies contain nuts and suet pastry.

I know that there is currently a world wide nut phobia, as "little Timmy" once got one stuck in his throat. However, since when was suet a health and safety issue?

As if that were not enough, it seems that there has to be a thermometer thrust (can I say thrust at this time of the day?) into the hot chocolate, in case it is too hot.

How did we manage before the invention of thermometers?

Come to think of it, what if the thermometer contains mercury?

Ooh, it doesn't bear thinking about!

Steve Dobson, who is organising the event, said that he learned of the regulations after writing to Craven District Council to ask if he could use a car park outside Embsay village hall to hold the free party for the community.

Now you see folks, that was his big mistake.

Never, ever, tell Nanny what you are about to do; because she will always come along and try to spoil the party or stop you.

Why?

Simple, the sort of people who involve themselves actively with Nanny (such as jobsworth council lackeys etc) could never make anything of their lives in the real world. The only way that they can justify to themselves their existence on this planet, and to give themselves some sense of self worth, is to impose their fears and petty rules on the rest of us.

As I have said before, there is no value or useful purpose to local councils; we would be far better off if they were restructured into oblivion.

Anyhoo, Mr Dobson had planned a fireworks display, mulled wine, Santa's grotto and free mince pies (which would have been made by Nanny's arch enemy the good ladies of the Embsay and Eastby Women's Institute).

You know the sort of thing, nothing unsafe about any of that.

Not until Nanny came along.

Mr Dobson said:

"The council gave me a huge list of things we had to do.

I wrote back, a little bit tongue in cheek,

asking if I really had to risk assess free mince pies

and a brass band, and they said yes.

Everything we do, from putting tinsel up

to providing refreshments has to be assessed.

We have to consider the dangers involved,

that someone might choke on their mince pie or have a nut allergy.

I also understand that Santa may need a Criminal Records Bureau check.

For a small Dales village we found it a bit of a joke really.

It's gone from us hoping to use a bit of council property for a community party,

to needing the same sort of planning

we would have to put in for the Great Yorkshire Show."

Mr Dobson rather wisely is now considering moving the party to private land, elsewhere in the village. The trouble is, he has put his head above the parapet. Nanny will try her best to muscle in on that as well, and I bet charge him for the privilege.

Craven Council's director of community services, Jonathan Kerr, said:

"We support these community events

and we try to help local communities organise them

and make sure they are as safe as possible."

The astute amongst you will observe that the above statement, in the context of the problem, is meaningless.

Nanny does not even bother to try to pretend to justify her actions any more.

Breathtaking arrogance!

Feel free to tell Craven Council what you think of them via these routes:

-General contact contactus@cravendc.gov.uk

-Jonathan Kerr's PA lrichardson@cravendc.gov.uk

-The thirty councillors of Craven are listed here, Craven Council, together with their email addresses:)

The Dangers of Fruit

Nanny's health and safety Gestapo have struck again.

This time the Gestapo have raided the hotel health club that I use. To save the embarrassment, for the moment, of the good people of the hotel in which the club is housed I will not give away their name. They run a good hotel, aside from this aberration, and have always looked after myself, family and friends very well.

Anyhoo, let me tell you what has happened.

The club has been in existence for a good few years now, and aside from the five years that I lived in Sweden I have been a member since around 1994. During this time there has always been a bowl of fresh fruit, in the reception area of the club, for consumption/scoffing by the members and hotel guests.

Can you guess what happened?

Yes, that's right, the health and safety Gestapo have decreed that the fruit presents a health and safety risk. Therefore it has been banned.

As far as I am aware, there have yet to be any fatalities in the club arising from the consumption of a contaminated piece of fruit. Maybe they are worried about a spot of polonium getting mixed up with it...who knows?

I would suggest that, at a pinch, apples and pears could be contaminated by dirty hands. However, bananas and oranges are safe; as no matter how dirty the skin, or the hands that touch the skin, no one will be eating the skin on these.

I would also ask how is it that supermarkets, farmers' markets and the French have managed to sell fruit (that is poked and prodded by dirty little hands) for countless years without a mass outbreak of corpses littering the street?

Suffice to say, I am not particularly hopeful about the prospects of the traditional mince pies and wine being laid out on the reception desk this Christmas (as has been the case each Christmas since I have been a member).

All very silly, and very unnecessary. I have sent the hotel a copy of this, and will let you know if they rethink this daft policy.

Nanny's Perfect Christmas Party

With the office Christmas party season now in full swing, Nanny has issued a number of guidelines as to how to hold the "perfect" Nanny Christmas party.








They are summarised below:

• No alcohol should be served, Nanny disapproves of alcohol



• No pork (eg cocktail sausages, scotch eggs, pork pies and sausage rolls) should be served, this may offend certain non Christians



• No meat should be served, this may offend vegetarians



• No mince pies or Christmas puddings should be served. These contain lard and suet, and as such would offend vegetarians



• No mistletoe should be used to decorate the office; this would encourage kissing, which of course could be construed as sexual harassment



• Kissing is banned, for the reason above and because of the risk of spreading avian flu



• Christmas should not be mentioned, and there should be no decorations, as this may offend the non Christians



• No form of dancing or physical contact should take place, as this may be construed as sexual harassment



• No crackers should be pulled, as the explosive content is contrary to Nanny's anti terrorist laws



• No food should be served, as people are far too fat anyway



• No presents should be distributed, as recipients may feel pressured to have sex with the gift giver. Also, presents may be of varying degrees of quality, as such some people may feel discriminated against



• No party games should be held, as some people will be classified as "losers" which of course is very bad for their self esteem



• No photocopiers should be in the vicinity, as people may be tempted to copy their backsides (which of course is a health and safety issue, as well as being construed as sexual harassment)

Happy Christmas everyone!

Offensive Pies

Dear oh dear, we have become a nation of old Nannies haven't we?

The Advertising Standards Authority have said that the most complained about advert, in the last few months, was one for Mr Kipling's mince pies.

Seemingly people did not like the connection made in the advert, between a nativity play and a hospital birth.

The weaker a religion becomes, in terms of support and theological underpinning, the more paranoid its actions and statements.

Ooohhh...more controversy!

A Christmas Carol

Nanny and her friends have not been asleep during the festive season. One of her friends, the Very Reverend John Lewis Dean of Llandaff Cathedral in Cardiff, has decided that the carol "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is offensive to women.

As such, he has decreed that the words be changed to the rather catchy "God Rest Ye Merry People" instead.

He decreed that this version be sung on Christmas day.

Those of you who have time to spare, between the mince pies and cold turkey, may like to submit your own versions of Christmas carols that would be suitable for singing to Nanny.

There is no prize, other than the kudos of seeing your name and carol appear on this site.