The Dangers of Popcorn

As you munch your way through your three metric tonnes bucket of popcorn and guzzle the gallon container of fizzy sugared water at you local cinema, fear not for your health and girth anymore.

Nanny's Food Standard's Agency (FSA) recognises that you are a moron, and that you need to be told that eating such vast quantities of shite is bad for you. As such the FSA is calling for the calorific value of these products to be clearly displayed, and for a ban on "super size" portions.

Does it not occur to the FSA that people are well aware that gorging on vast quantities of shite, such as this, will inevitably lead to some form of weight gain?

Interference by the FSA will not make the slightest difference to people's habits in their local cinemas.

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A Nation of Paedophiles - Nanny's Cover Up

Nanny's anti adult drive has reached new heights, as gym users at Torridge Pool in Northam discovered recently to their cost.

The members of the club have been asked to shower in their trunks and costumes when schoolchildren are around.

The pool claims that "concerns were raised" by schools about naked adults showering. Hence the pool issued the "shower in trunks" edict, in order to "protect both children and adults".

"The schools felt uncomfortable that there were naked people in the showers when children were in the changing rooms.

We don't want false accusations against anyone. This is to protect the public as well as the children."

Nice world we have created where adults are afraid of false accusations from kids!

Small, but somewhat obvious point, if there is a fear of certain adults being "excited" by children etc shouldn't the children be the one's covered up when showering?

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Prats of The Week - Thurrock Council

Well done Thurrock Council for winning this week's "Prats of The Week" Award.

Volunteers of North Stifford had been hard at work clearing their area of litter, and had managed to fill 43 bags of rubbish (bags that had been provided by the council for the voluntary litter clean up).

Now here comes the problem.

The volunteers then received an email reprimand from the council, telling them that the results of their cleaning up had been "excessive. It seems that the 43 bags filled up the bin men's lorry to such an extent, that they couldn't then go on and do their normal round.

Thurrock council have now apologised, and claim that the email was sent in error (I guess that the apology has nothing to do with the fact that the media were sniffing around then?)

Thurrock Council, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Scanners 'Rn't Us

Nanny's much heralded body scanners, being introduced in UK airports, do not appear to be as useful as she claims.

A German television program has demonstrated that, whilst they can detect breast implants, they can fail to detect bomb-making components.

As with many things that Nanny does, the headline is important not the detail.

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A Nation of Food Fadists

I was hugely gemused to read recently the a staggering one in five Britons now claims to have a food allergy or intolerance.

That is an increase of 400% in the past 20 years.

Has our gene pool been so damaged by modern day life styles that we really are this ill?

Errmm...no actually!

It transpires that these food allergies are in the main:

Bollocks!

Research conducted by Portsmouth University has shown that of those people claiming to have an allergy or intolerance, only 2% cent actually did.

In other words, 98% of people who claim to have allergies are talking bollocks.

Why has this come about?

1 Supermarkets and Z list "celebs" push over priced crapola, that they claim offers wonderful health benefits.

2 The Nanny state has created a generation of selfish, self obsessed, fearful people who think that they, or their over spoiled kids, are ill.

Unless your head swells up to the size of a pumpkin, and you turn green, then I humbly submit that eating a good variety of food and drinking a good variety of drinks will not kill you.

In fact it will make you feel on top of the world.

Eat nuts freely!

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Nanny Bans Tickle Cock

Tee heh!

Something for the weekend my loyal readers.

Nanny's word police (ie the council) in Castleford, West Yorkshire, have come a cropper when they tried to rename Tickle Cock Bridge (a railway underpass traditionally used by courting couples to do their "courting") to "Tittle Cott Bridge".

The council erected (can I say "erected"?) a plaque bearing the new title.

Being a council they of course did not bother consulting the locals.

Quel surprise, the locals didn't like it. Castleford Area Voice for the Elderly called a public meeting which voted for a return to the old name.

The name was restored.

I raise my glass to Tickle Cock Bridge and all who canoodle under it!

Have it large this weekend everyone!

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The Paedofinder General

It's funny because it's true!

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Tossers!

Lawks a Mercy!

I plum forgot that yesterday was Shrove Tuesday, when people the length and breadth of the country are tossing like mad.

Did you all have a good toss yesterday loyal readers?

The good people St Albans of didn't.

For why?

Our old fiends from health and safety intervened.

St Albans holds an annual pancake race.

This year was no exception, aside from one small fly in the oinkment.

Charles Barker the tourism manager from St Albans council appeared at the race, complete with high vis jacket and clip board (so you knew he was "important"), and told the competitors that they must walk, not run.

For why?

The council decreed that because it had been raining people might slip over, ie there was a health and safety risk.

The announcement was greeted with much booing and derision. However, sadly, only three people disobeyed the council and ran, the rest walked.

The race had been held in the town since 1445.

St Albans council clearly are a bunch of tossers!

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Porkman Power

Nanny's campaign against booze continues apace.

Remember loyal readers that I warned time and time again that once Nanny had dealt with the smokers, she would move onto the drinkers (after that will target those who eat fat, sugar and salt).

Anyhoo, Nanny wants to force alcohol brands to display health warnings on labels.

The Department of Health claims that only 15% of drinks provide enough information about units and health harms.

So what?

We are bombarded with messages from Nanny's bunker about the dangers of booze, doesn't she think that we are able to make informed decisions without further bombardment?

All of which is highly ironic given MPs' predispositions to being fat, corrupt, substance abusing smokers.

Nanny has three options for compliance: voluntary adherence, enforced compliance via industry body The Portman (Porkman) Group or required to comply by law.

Warnings on fag packets are ignored, why does Nanny think that warnings on booze will be treated with anything more than the contempt that they deserve?

Here's a radical thought, how about politicians keeping their mouths shut for a good long time and stop interfering in people's lives?

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Prats of The Week - The Portman Group

Tis a frosty and bright Monday morning, as we skip "gleefully" to work with songs in our hearts let us take a moment to contemplate this week's prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

I am happy to bestow the award on the Portman Group (a "drinks watchdog"...whatever that means?).

Portman (or is it Porkman?) have decreed that Tokyo beer (launched in the summer of 2009 by BrewDog) is evil and must be banned.

For why?

Well my old muckers Tokyo beer is a strong beer, 18.2% in fact, the strongest on sale in the UK.

However, surely I hear you ejaculate (can I say "ejaculate"?) there are drinks that are stronger than that (eg vodka, meths, etc)?

Yes indeed there are!

However, Porkman are not just up in arms about the strength of the beer but the marketing message of the beer.

"Everything in moderation, including moderation itself.

What logically follows is that you must, from time, have excess.

This beer is for those times."

Now you an I can see that this is rather witty, and in keeping with the concept of drinking an 18% beer.

The trouble being that the UK has an infestation of busybodies who can't keep their noses out of other people's business. Certain sad lifeless drongoes have complained to Porkman about the wording in 2009.

Here is one of the complaints:

"I also feel 'intergalactic fantastic' points towards hallucinogenic qualities."

Pathetic isn't it?

The result?

Porkman have decreed (via a "retailer alert bulletin") that shops should remove the beer from their shelves, until Brewdog complies with Porkman's view of "decent" marketing standards; ie a quango with no legal remit to interfere is trying to impose its views on others.

Errmm...as far as I am aware Porkman probably have no right to ban the sale of the beer. Therefore their "retailer alert" is most likely a waste of paper.

Additionally, the majority of the beer is in fact destined for export (a mere 10% of Tokyo is sold in specialist shops in the UK).

Therefore this entire exercise is a waste of time. Doubtless though Porkman have had a nice "rush" from playing at wielding of power.

I would also note that BrewDog sell the world's strongest beer Tactical Nuclear Penguin, storming ion at 32% and retailing at £35 a bottle.

Bring it on:)

Porkman Group, well deserving Prats of The Week!

Write to them here info@portmangroup.org.uk

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Victorian Dad

My sympathies to Karl Brown (19), ex head boy of Oakmead Technology College, who has fallen foul of the Victorian dad's running the college.

He was on an army course the other week, and was spotted kissing a 17 year old girl from another school.

Holy Gotham City Batman!

Key points:

- They were both over the age of consent

- They were kissing, not "at it like rabbits"

- They are teenagers, isn't that what teenagers do?

Anyhoo, his college does not believe that adults should kiss and as a result Mr Brown has been excluded from college and his "head boy" status revoked.

Mr Brown must now continue his studies at home, and is only allowed on school grounds for the fortnightly meetings with his tutor.

The girl's school has not created any hoo hah over the matter.

I am gobsmacked at this over reaction. There are far worse things that teenagers (who are much younger than these two adults) get up to.

What on earth is the problem here?

Given that Mr Brown is banned from kissing girls, he may find this magazine helpful:



Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

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Initiative - The Sainsbury's Way

Following on from my earlier article about Nanny's trolls lacking initiative, I have this personal experience from Sainsbury's to relate to you.

I made the mistake of assuming that when ordering online for a home delivery that basic products, such as cat food potatoes etc, would be available.

How stupid was I!

They were not.

Not only that, having dropped a wee line to Justin King (CEO) of Sainsbury's suggesting that a bit of initiative (eg get someone to bring the missing order across to me) would be a good idea, I am still waiting for some form of "intelligent" resolution to this (aside from "We are currently looking into the comments you have raised and will come back to you more fully as soon as possible").

Sadly it is not just the Nanny state that employs people who are lacking in initiative!

My advice is not to shop at Sainsbury's.

"Thank you ***,

I would suggest that, whilst the wheels of admin crank slowly looking into this, someone from Sainsbury's shows some initiative and delivers the missing products to me today without charging me for the cost of delivery (I will of course pay for the products).

By taxi or van, I don't really care!

Or shall I write to the other supermarkets (with a copy of my note to you) and ask them if they are able to supply me with potatoes and cat food?

Thanks

Kind regards

Ken Frost

www.kenfrost.com


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: RE: Delivery 91371601
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 12:21:53 +0000
From:
To: kenfrostcia@hotmail.com

Dear Mr Frost,

Thank you for taking the time to send an email to Justin King about your comments regarding our online service.

We are currently looking into the comments you have raised and will come back to you more fully as soon as possible.

In the meantime, thank you again for getting in touch.

Yours sincerely,


Sainsbury plc | 33 Holborn | London | EC1N 2HT | Mail box / 314

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ken Frost
Sent: 10 February 2010 10:43
To: Justin King
Subject: Delivery 91371601


Justin

A brief "heads up" about my Sainsbury's delivery made this morning.

Here is a list of products that were not available, and for which no alternative was available

- 10kg of baking potatoes
- mixed herbs
- sea salt
- tabasco
- dishwasher salt
- cat food pouches

Whilst I appreciate that "sea salt" may be considered to be exotic, how on earth can Sainsbury's run out of potatoes??? I do not believe for one moment that Sainsbury's could not find me some form of potato in stock.

I am faced with having to re order the potatoes etc at a cost to me in terms of wasted time and delivery charges.

Online shopping has no value if you don't have at least the basics in.

I would appreciate to hear from you as to what I should do now in order to obtain my potatoes without incurring delivery charges? Walk to my local Tesco perhaps, which is nearer?

Kind regards

Ken Frost"

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Bullying Bastards

The tragic report in The Times about the suicide of Brian Gilfillan (an NHS records officer from Kirkcaldy) who was hounded to his death by sadistic bullies within the Fife NHS management "team", highlights why conscientious people who show initiative and think outside the box should never work for the state.

Nanny hates initiative and "out of the box thinking", she will do all that she can to stop it; even if it means hounding people to their deaths.

Read the report into this disgrace in The Times.

The state has become the enemy of the people.

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Beer Builds Bones

Beer Song Adam Sandler & Weird Al - Watch more Funny Videos
Aha!

Joyous news everybody!

Contrary to the advice that Nanny keeps dishing out that beer is bad for you, a study from researchers at the University of California has identified that beer is a rich source of dietary silicon a nutrient that reduces the chances of developing bone diseases such as osteoporosis.

In other words Beer Builds Bones!

Beers containing malted barley and hops having higher silicon content than beers made from wheat.

Mine's a pint!

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A Nation of Paedophiles

Nanny's "Won't someone think of the children?" agenda continues apace.

All adults in the UK are now presumed to be paedophiles, unless they can prove otherwise.

The fact that an offence may not yet have been committed, or indeed may not have been reported, does not preclude the adult from committing such an act in the future. However, in Nanny's world of "box ticking" that doesn't matter so long as you have your piece of paper proving you are "innocent" up until now.

Dick Puddlecote had an "amusing" encounter with the "Paedo Police" from his local school the other day:

"Last week, the boy Puddlecote's school e-mailed their regular newsletter. At the end of the sterile but cheery message was a plea for parent participation.

'The children are always pleased when parents hear them sing at our assembly shows, so please come along if you can. Remember to bring your CRB checks with you'.

Now, I'm CRB checked but was working. However, there are plenty others who would be able to attend but have never required clearance from the CRB in work or voluntary activities. And seeing as the process, in my experience, can take up to three months, anyone without clearance who wished to attend was effectively barred on the remote premise that they might be a paedophile.

Sorry if that appears simplistic, but how else can one view it? Guilty until proven innocent by the state machine."

Read the full article here.

Bottom line, Nanny has eliminated one of the basic tenets of English law "innocent until proven guilty".

The only way for this nonsense to be stopped is for every parent to effectively go on strike, and to refuse to attend or help out any school activity whatsoever; until Nanny's absurd "tick box" requirements for "proof of innocence" are removed.

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Fags

I see that Nanny's ongoing war against the "scourge" of smoking continues apace.

Andy Burnham, the health secretary, recently revealed plans to halve the number of smokers in the UK by 2020 (that will severely dent Nanny's tax revenues!).

How will this be achieved?

- Nanny intends to legislate to make it illegal to smoke in public doorways and possibly in public open spaces (such as parks).

- Nanny intends to make social workers lecture people in their own homes about the "evils" of smoking in their own homes.

- Nanny intends to eliminate all forms of product differentiation, by insisting that fag packets be printed in an anonymous grey colour without any form of branding.

Here's why this is all bollocks:

1 Smoking in public parks etc does not pose a health risk to others. A far greater health risk is posed by fumes from cars and lorries.

2 Banning smoking in parks etc would be unenforceable, unless Nanny creates a whole new "elite" force of jobsworths (whose only function is to go round fining smokers for smoking a perfectly legal product, that has already been taxed).

3 What people eat, drink and smoke in their own homes is their business. Social workers have more than enough on their plate, cleaning up Nanny's feral society, without adding "smoking enforcement officer" to their titles.

4 Creating a "grey" brand will simply make the product more alluring (as is makes it seem even more "forbidden"). Grey will add a "cool/stylish" image to fags.

Why not go one step further and ban fag packets altogether?

Why not sell fags in small plastic bags, or wraps?

After all, that branding procedure hasn't made cocaine the number one clubbing drug of choice has it?

5 Remove the branding, and the market will be further swamped with counterfeits.

6 Politicians are the largest (in every sense of the word) substance abusers on the planet. They are not in a position to lecture us on what is good/bad for us.

All in all a very stupid set of suggestions, from a very stupid government.

Let people smoke themselves to death, before they grow old and demented and thus absorb excess scarce resources in Nanny's appalling elderly care system.

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Prats of The Week - Scottish Labour

Tis a gloomy, wet Monday morning.

Another week is upon us, reappearing with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.

Therefore my loyal readers it is time to award my prestigious, and internationally renowned, "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to Scottish Labour, who have gone to new extremes of Nannyism.

Isn't funny how Nanny's most extreme supporters all seem to reside in the Labour part of the Scottish Parliament?

Anyhoo, fresh from the recent furore over "Buckie", and the ongoing moaning and rumbles against booze, Scottish Labour have decided that caffeine mixed with booze (eg as you would find in a "Buckie") simply is the worst evil on the planet.

Their solution?

Surely you can guess?

Yes, that's right, they intend to ban (or at least restrict) caffeine in alcoholic drinks.

Strathclyde Police blame most of Scotland's drink related crime on "Buckie" (a bottle of which contains the caffeine equivalent of 8 cans of cola).

As noted before, it sound a most efficacious drink to me!

Scottish Labour health spokeswoman Jackie Baillie said:

"I believe the risks involved in consuming caffeinated alcohol are so great that the Scottish government must take action.

The research suggests you are more likely to end up in hospital or be assaulted if you drink these products."

Bollocks!

I consume, on an occasional basis, several stiff Irish coffees after a good meal drinkies. The worst that happens to me is that I don't sleep and talk a lot (quality conversation I would add).

- I do not commit violent crime.

- I do not urinate/vomit in public.

- I do not assault people.

- I do not rob people.

- I do not abuse people.

- I do not put my feet up of bus/train seats.

- I do not pass out.

It's not the drink that turns these scrotes into feral behaving scrotes, they are already feral behaving scrotes (with or without the drink).

Factoid: Buckie accounts for 0.5% of all alcoholic drinks bought in Scotland.

The law, were it to be enacted, would be unworkable.

All you have to do is, eg mix alcohol with coffee (Irish coffees) or mix it with other caffeine based drinks such as Lucozade (vodka and Lucozade is rather "peppy" actually!...Benylin and vodka is also rather efficacious). Worst case scenario, just pop a couple of Pro Plus pills before going out on the piss.

A totally unworkable and unenforceable law.

Unless, that is, Nanny is going to start testing people for blood/caffeine levels!

Will the members of Scottish Labour be giving up their coffee and liqueurs after dinner?

No, I thought not!

Scottish Labour, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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HMRC Above The Law

HMRC's Dave Hartnett is trying to place HMRC above the law, and remove the right to legal privilege (ie client/lawyer confidentiality).

This is one of the key components of our legal system, and is there to stop corrupt police and dictatorial politicians from using the powers of the state against individuals and organisations.

Sadly the editorial team of Accountancy Age (page two) choose not to see the danger of the proposals put forward by Hartnett.

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Best Job Advert Ever

My thanks to "Black Sea" for highlighting this U. S. Department of Justice job advert for "10 experienced attorneys for the position of Trial Attorney".

Quote:

"The Civil Rights Division encourages qualified applicants with targeted disabilities to apply. Targeted disabilities are... mental retardation, mental illness..."

I assume that this style of advert will soon be taken up by Nanny here, given that some of our "governing class" already exhibit signs of mental illness.

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The Pope Touched My Thigh II

Well, quell surprise!

It seems that the Pope has touched another member of ZaNulabour's thigh as well!

See The Times.

One law for the "faithful" another for the rest of us.

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The Pope Touched My Thigh

I am "gemused" to see that the tireless campaigner for women's rights and equality for all, Harriet Harperson, has watered down her "Equality Bill" following divine intervention from Pope Ratzinger.

Seemingly Harperson and ZaNuLabour don't want to go to war with "holy mother church", most especially when the Pope is coming to Britain during an election year.

I realise that Blair believes that the Pope is inflammable etc but, given that he has gone and was responsible for a disastrous fanatical holy war in the Middle East, I would have thought that ZaNuLabour would have shaken free of the shackles of religious fundamentalism by now.

Evidently not!

Politics and religion should be kept separate at all times.

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Nanny Bans The Reliable- Only Fuckwits Need Apply

This story, recently featured in the media, surely earns the brain dead drone who imposed this piece of Nannyism an unchallengeable award of "Fuckwit of The Millennia".

Aside from all the other regulations imposed upon the hapless employer by Nanny, wrt employing people, another useless rule has been created (almost out of thin air).

Nicole Mamo, who runs a recruitment agency in Thetford Norfolk, was attempting to place an advert for hospital workers. She was mindful not to upset Nanny wrt offending people on the grounds of race, age or sexual orientation etc.

However, she made one fatal mistake.

Can you guess what that is loyal readers?

Yes, that's right, she asked for applicants to be "reliable and hardworking".

Under Nanny's iron fist, this sort of blatant discrimination against the idle and feckless will no longer be allowed.

A drone working in Nanny's job centre in Thetford told her that the phrase was forbidden, because it could be offensive to unreliable people.

The drone at the jobcentre went on to say that it was policy, because they could get sued for being discriminatory against unreliable people.

Seemingly, following the media furore, the jobcentre went on to deny that there is such a policy and claim the advert was placed without any fuss.

Well, they would say that wouldn't they?

Nanny and her minions make the rules up as they go along, because they know that they can get away with it!

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Waste

I was watching the goggle box last night, and during the space of one hour I was visually assaulted four times by adverts from Nanny telling me to stop smoking and warning me that I may get mouth cancer if I drink more than 2 glasses of a wine a day.

Wrt to the latter, this is as likely as a piano falling on my head. Nanny has gathered together all the possible things that people tend to die of, and blamed them on drink.

Hardly scientific!

Hardly effective!

Why is she wasting vast sums of our money on lecturing us in this fashion?

Simple, there is an election around the corner and she needs to look busy. She does not give a flying fig for the scientific accuracy or not of these daft sermons, she only cares about looking busy.

Still, at least these monumental wastes of money keep some members of the "beloved" advertising industry in work!

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Balls! II

Just a brief word about the £60M cost of Balls' grandparent website.

The majority of the cost would not have been for development, but for marketing.

Nanny uses our money to promote herself!

Given that a trifling 1500 people have registered, that £60M is clearly money well spent!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

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