Judge Gives As Good As She Gets

Kudos to Judge Patricia Lynch QC, who gave as good as she got to John Hennigan in Chelmsford Crown Cort on Wednesday.

Hennigan was being sentenced for breaching an Asbo by using racist language towards a Caribbean woman and her two young children when he said she was a "bit of a c---".

The Telegraph reports that Judge Lynch replied:

"You are a bit of a c--- yourself."

When Hennigan shouted back: "Go f--- yourself", the judge replied: "You too."

Hennigan reportedly shouted "Sieg Heil" and banged the glass panel of the dock as he was jailed for 18 months.

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Nanny Bans Swearing In The Army

I am gemused to see that Nanny has become very upset about the fact that there is a lot of swearing in the army, as such army instructors are being told to tone down their swearing, following a Newsbeat documentary.

Good luck with that then, what with how dangerous it is on the battlefield I would have thought that swearing was the last issue on the minds of those who serve Queen and country!

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Aldi's Walk In The CoUNTry

Oh dear, commiserations to Aldi for not looking at its labelling for its gourmet crackers closely enough.

Its new luxury brand of cheese biscuits were caught in a firestorm of social media protest, after it accidentally spelt the C-word.

The store's gourmet crackers, under its Specially Selected range, promises customers "deliciously thin and crispy crackers" in an "English country garden".

The graphic design choice highlighted the "C" word.

The packaging of the crackers has since been amended.

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Nanny Bans Aliens

In the midst of her greatest crisis for decades, I am gemused to see that Auntie still has time to focus on the "important" issues.

Step forward Professor Brain Cox (ex keyboard player from Dare) who was happily going to do a live broadcast of Stargazing Live, wherein he would attempt to make contact with a newly discovered planet that may be home to aliens.

Professor Cox wanted to point a radio telescope at Threapleton Holmes B (a name that just roles off the tongue), a planet discovered by amateur stargazers on his show. The telescope would pick up radio emissions from the planet.

Unfortunately the good professor had not bargained on the remarkably complex rules and procedures that broadcasters have to follow if they are to show anything on one of Auntie's channels (the more wide awake of you may detect a hint of irony here).

Auntie banned him from doing the show live.

For why?

Regulations and health and safety, in case the aliens answered back.

Auntie was worried that there may be some intergalactic swearing etc.

Ooh the irony of it all, if only Auntie had applied the same rigorous rules and procedures to Newsnight on 2nd November!


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Lessons In The F Word

I was gemused to read the other day that Shafton Advanced Learning Centre in Barnsley (why can't they just call it a school?) recently gave its 11 year old pupils a worksheet in which they were asked to grade swear words (eg the F word).

Entitled 'Acceptable or Not?' it listed situations including: 

 

-telling your friend to f--- off, 

-shouting f--- off across a classroom, in a shopping centre or in assembly and

-saying c---. 

 

A Telegraph censored version of the worksheet can be seen here. 

In a statement, the school said:

"As part of our social responsibility we are educating our students to understand what kind of language is appropriate, at what times and in what contexts." 

There is a certain logic to that, I suppose. However, it would probably help the kids more if they were first taught to read, write and speak in a coherent rational manner; ie schools should focus on the core skills needed by children (the three arses) if they are to have a hope in hell of functioning as adults in the real world. 

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Nanny Bans Nipples II

Following yesterday's article about Nanny MTV and Nanny Turner Entertainment’s, Adult Swim Network banning an advert featuring 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl, Kate Upton because of swearing and an "erect nipple" a good many loyal readers have taken time to study the video in order to identify the "erect nipple" segment which I could not see.

My thanks to one loyal reader who has sent me two stills from the video, where he has identified what he believes to be the offending nipples.

However, I am not yet convinced as (akin to spot the ball competitions) the location indicated by the arrows don't appear to be where one would expect them to be.

Comments and views welcome!


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Nanny Bans Nipples

On the subject of banned adverts, I am advised that MTV and Turner Entertainment’s, Adult Swim Network have banned the above advert featuring 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl, Kate Upton because of swearing and an "erect nipple".

I have studied the video and can see no nipple.

Can someone help me out here please?

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Auntie Puts The "N" Into Cuts

I am hugely gemused to read of the hooh hah whipped up by certain shouty sections of the tabloid press and Mary Whitehouse wannabees, over a scripted "joke" made by Sandi Toksvig on BBS radio's The News Quiz.

Quote:

"It's the Tories who have put the 'n' into cuts."

End Quote.

Not screamingly funny, and most certainly not original. I would have thought that the script writers could have done better than that.

Anyhoo, needless to say the real issue (ie the BBC's political bias) has been overridden and hijacked, by an eruption of moralising from the tabloids and Mary Whitehouse wannabees over swearing on the radio.

As can be clearly seen from the quote, Ms Toksvig did not swear. Those who know the word she was referring to will understand the "joke", and those that don't won't.

Needless to say Auntie (the BBC) has made a complete hash of handling the barrage of abuse levelled at for using the swear word (which it didn't).

Auntie received a complaint from Colin Harrow (retired General Manager of Mirror Group newspapers) about the "joke" being offensive.

The programme was cleared by Paul Mayhew Archer, then commissioning editor of Radio 4 Comedy, who wrote back to Mr Harrow:

"If my job was simply not to risk offending any listeners I could have cut it instantly.

But that is not my job.

My job here was to balance the offence it might cause some listeners against the delight it might give other listeners.

For good or ill, the word does not seem to have quite the shock value it did.

I am not saying this is a good thing. I am simply saying that I think attitudes shift."

All of which is perfectly reasonable. However, the key issue is that Ms Toksvig did not swear..PERIOD!

Needless to say all and sundry are now tryinmg to grab the "moral majority" headlines. John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport select committee, called for Ofcom to investigate.

"That word is way out in front in terms of people finding it offensive, and I think to broadcast it on radio at 6.30pm is inappropriate. Even though they did it by implication, nobody was left in any doubt about what was meant....

But I would expect them to be aware of the risk that children might be listening, especially at such an early hour."

Won't someone think of the children!!! (who of course never swear).

For fark's sake, Ms Toksvig didn't use the word!

The issue is not the non swearing by Toksvig, nor the fuss hyped by the tabloids, but the use of a mainstream programme broadcast on the "unbiased" BBC to pursue a political agenda and useing an appallingly old joke in the process.

By all means criticise the BBC, if they have breached their charter by pursuing a political agenda and for using an old joke. However, don't let the tabloids and wannabee Mary Whitehouses hijack the issue for their own purposes and agenda.

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Currying Favour

My sympathies to Sal Miah, owner of the Raj Poot restaurant in Crowborough, who tried to do his bit as an honest citizen recently.

You no doubt are aware that politicians and some police are bemoaning the fact that citizens do not stand up for themselves more, when confronted with criminal activity.

These politicians and police argue that we have the right to use reasonable measures to protect ourselves and our property when confronted with criminal behaviour.

OK then!

That is exactly what Mr Miah did when he caught two teenage yobs who broke into his storeroom.

He chased them into a park, and then brought them back to the restaurant while he waited for the police.

While he waited a group of the boys' friends gathered outside the restaurant, which was filled with 50 diners, and started swearing and kicking the door.

Mr Miah went outside to try and talk to them, and with one hand pushed a couple of them away from the door.

Can you guess what happened next loyal readers?

Yes, that's right, when the police arrived they arrested Mr Miah on allegations of assault.

The fact that there were 50 witnesses in the restaurant was ignored by the police, the police attached more credibility to the views of the yobs.

Mr Miah was taken to Uckfield police station where his DNA and fingerprints were taken, and he was held in the cells before being cautioned for assault.

Now, after some media "hoo hah", the police (trying to "curry favour") have apologised to Mr Miah.

His caution for common assault has been revoked. However, as to whether his DNA and fingerprints have been removed from the database is another matter.

Wealden District commander chief inspector Julia Pope said:

"Two incidents at the restaurant, the assault and burglary, were wrongly dealt with in isolation.

They have been reviewed and it is believed that the man arrested had used reasonable force at the time. I have personally apologised to Mr Miah.

It was right for us to investigate the incident but, given all the circumstances, it was incorrect to caution him as he had used reasonable force. I have revoked the caution that was given at the time."

For good measure Ch Insp Pope added that Sussex Police is "firmly on the side of victims of crime".

That's not how this looks from where I am sitting.

She added:

"Anyone can make a citizen's arrest. Mr Miah did just this and used force in order to protect his property and himself.

It was unfortunate that on this occasion there was misunderstanding and the burglary and the assault were dealt with in isolation.

As a result we did not provide him with the service we would have like to."

Absolutely pathetic!

There is no way any sensible person would put themselves at risk, by making a citizen's arrest, from either the violence of the criminal or the boneheadedness of the police.

Politicians and police who call for greater citizen involvement should first take a look at the reality on the ground.

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Nanny's Early Morning Call - Cambridge Council's Gestapo Tactics

I have to say that were this story to have appeared only in the tabloid press, then I would have dismissed it as nonsense; it is something that quite frankly should be unbelievable, given that we live in a country that is meant to be a democracy. However, it has also appeared in the broadsheets, therefore I will work on the assumption that it is true.

Thomas Catcheside, a 67 year old who lives in Cambridge, received a Gestapo style dawn raid at his home at 5.35AM from the police.

He was frog marched to his bedroom, where his wife was still sleeping, and ordered to get changed before being driven away in a cage in a police van.

Mr Catcheside was then held in a windowless cell for six hours, had his fingerprints and a DNA swab taken, before being issued with an £80 fixed penalty notice and released.

What was his crime?

Terrorism?

No!

Murder?

No!

He had sworn at a council official six days earlier.

Yes, you did read that correctly!

The swearing incident had been the culmination of a 3 year dispute with the council, he is the chairman of the local residents group, over slippery stairs in his council block.

Mr Catcheside has been campaigning for safety improvements to the internal flight of stairs. However, when a council official visiting the site stopped him from following him downstairs to listen to a phone call to his supervisor on October 30, he lost his temper and swore.

The Telegraph quotes him:

"Don't you tell me what I can and can't do in my own fucking place."

He was arrested 6 days later on suspicion of "causing harassment, alarm or distress in a public place".

The experience so shocked Mr Catcheside that he had a panic attack in police custody, and had to be seen by a police doctor.

Cambridgeshire police claim that they had been following "national policy".

Is it now national policy to barge into people's homes at 5:30AM, and arrest them for not kowtowing to their local councils?

Seemingly it is!

The police will have us believe that they were "responding to reports of an assault, which is a serious offence."

Since when was swearing an assault?

Why arrest a man for swearing, when a simple word in his ear might have resolved the issue?

Why did the council report this trivial issue?

Oh, and here's the killer point, the police then went on to say:

"There was not enough evidence to suggest he had committed an assault but he admitted to being abusive and was issued with a fine and words of advice about his behaviour."

NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE!

Why did the police arrest him in the first place, if there was not enough evidence?

Who are the police working for these days, the people or the politicians?

It seems to me that Mr Catcheside should sue the police for wrongful arrest, and make sure that the council and local political party that "runs" the council suffers extreme humiliation and long term political defeat.

The police, by the way, also added:

"National policy states anyone arrested will have a sample of their DNA taken."

Pathetic!

BTW, you may be wondering why the Gestapo (sorry, "police") raided his home at 5:30AM. Seemingly it was the only "convenient time".

Well, that's alright then!

A bare faced lie if ever I have heard one, they simply could have chosen another day when their officers were not busy hunting down murderers, robbers, muggers etc.

Do you all recall, my loyal readers, that the Telegraph recently said that I had "lost all sense of proportion" when I used the word ZaNuLabour?

Tell me, now that we have dawn Gestapo raids at the behest of our "respected" local councils, have I really "lost all sense of proportion"?

OK, to be fair, Cambridge is in fact a Liberal Democrat council (it is hardly "liberal" or "democratic" employing Gestapo tactics like this!).

Councils and police should not be colluding to arrest people, they most certainly should not be practising Gestapo tactics.

Here is the council's email enquiries@cambridge.gov.uk.

The state has become the enemy of the people, politicians and their organs of state should be ignored and resisted at every opportunity.

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A Conundrum

Nanny, the media, the butchers' profession, Tesco and other "experts" have been working themselves up into a bit of a frenzy recently over booze and its "alleged" effects on people's behaviour.

In Nanny's view, booze is the root cause of many of society's ills eg; violence, crime, anti social behaviour etc.

Now herein I would like to present a counterpoint, based on my own modest contribution to the "booze debate".

On Friday I dined in Londinium with an old chum of mine from my days in KPMG. An excellent evening was had by all, first in the Red Lion then in Le Boudain Blanc (I will be adding a review about that to my Restaurant Reviews site in due course); an elegant sufficiency of booze was consumed by all.

I personally rounded off the meal with an Irish coffee (in honour of being half Irish, and it being St Patrick's day on Monday) and four double Remy Martins (the singles looked ridiculous in the glass).

After that I wended my way back to Croydonia, using the underworld railway and Network Snail.

Now, despite having consumed an elegant sufficiency of alcohol, I still managed to get home perfectly safely WITHOUT:

1 Assaulting anyone

2 Stamping on anyone's head

3 Vomiting or collapsing in the street

4 Passing myself off to police as Euan Blair, or a minor member of the royal family

5 Pissing against a wall

6 Vandalising the tube or train

7 Inflicting any form of anti social behaviour on my fellow passengers

8 Putting my feet up on the seats

9 Swearing loudly, or talking on my mobile phone

10 Being attacked, mugged, robbed, assaulted or buggered about with in any way

Now the thought occurs to me, if I a shy, retiring, reserved, middle aged accountant (who wouldn't say boo to a goose) can manage to do that, despite having consumed more than Nanny's preferred/recommended quantity of booze, why is that the yoof of this country (who are less than half my age) cannot manage to do the same having consumed a few water based, fizzy, sugar added shitty drinks flavoured with sub standard vodka?

The answer my friends is this...

It's not the booze, its the personalities that causes the trouble.

The badly behaved scumbags that litter the streets of Britain on Friday and Saturday are badly behaved, because they are badly behaved per se. They are ignorant yobs who have not been brought up properly by their parents to respect others, to respect themselves or indeed to be able to drink in a sensible manner.

The root cause of Britain's behavioural ills lies not with booze, but lousy parenting.

Curing that will require a lot more effort than merely farting around with headline grabbing taxes on alcohol flavoured fizzy water.

Prats Of The Week II - Update - From Pam Gillard

Re today's earlier article.

Thank you for your comments. Please see attached the statement to the press hopefully giving a more balanced view.

"After recent ramraids we keep a watchful eye on anyone photographing the front of our jewellers which Mr Sparshott, on the 17th November, was doing. When Mr Sparshott made his visit he admits himself he was swearing loudly at my officer when asked politely what he was doing. Despite what has been said we gave no life ban from the Centre, did not take his camera, did not call him a terrorist, and we did not see grandchildren with him which would have made it more understandable. I have already apologised to Mr Sparshott if either the contract security officer (who has now left) or duty manager didn't explain this clearly."

BOGOF!

Nanny is getting herself into a “right old strop” about our eating habits. She doesn’t like us eating fatty or sugary foods, she doesn’t like us over eating and she hates “supersize” portions.

Finally, in a fit of pique, she has issued yet another directive.

BOGOF will be banned!

Those of you not familiar with the phrase BOGOF, need to be aware that Nanny is not swearing (heaven forbid!); she is in fact using the short form abbreviation for the commercial term “Buy One Get One Free”.

This is where supermarkets, and other retailers, offer the consumer a second product; eg a bar of chocolate for free, if they buy the first one.

Nanny has decided that this is an evil and wicked practice, it encourages us to eat far more than she thinks that we should.

In her eyes, we have no will power or free will.

Such is the concern about Nanny’s directive that Somerfield, the supermarket chain, have launched a questionnaire on their website; it asks visitors to give their opinions on Nanny’s interference in respect of BOGOF.

In my opinion Nanny is getting seriously out of hand, and needs to be taken down a “peg or two”.