Happy New Year!

Happy New Year folks.

Have it large!

Ken

National Smoking Day

Hip Hip Hooray!

For today is National Smoking Day

Yes folks, end the year as you mean to start the new one by sticking two fingers up to Nanny and her no smoking rules.

Today, people, pubs and clubs are being encouraged to light up in the face of Nanny's no smoking rules and outflank Nanny's smoking inspectors.

Fags, cigars, pipes etc they are all good.

Go on, light up for Britain!

Guns Are Good

Ever since time began, small boys have played with toy weapons; whether they were toy clubs, bows and arrows, swords, guns or ray guns.

I myself used to have a fine collection of bows and arrows, swords, a machine gun, a rifle and various cap guns.

These days, Nanny's chums in nursery schools etc try to feminise boys by forbidding such "nasty" little games as "war" and "cops and robbers" etc.

Now Nanny herself has stepped in, and the Department for Children, Schools and Families has said that staff should resist a "natural instinct" to stop such play.

It says role playing helps create the right conditions for boys' learning, and could help them become more engaged in education in the future.

The guidance (entitled Confident, Capable and Creative: Supporting Boys' Achievements) says "practitioners" often find boys' chosen type of play "more difficult to understand and value than that of girls".

Boys regularly use "images and ideas gleaned from the media" as starting points in play, the advice says, which "may involve characters with special powers or weapons".

Quite!

Needless to say, the dinosaurs in the teaching unions are behind the times as ever.

Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT teachers' union, said:

"I think this is a clear example

of gender stereotyping.

I do not think schools should be encouraging

boys to play with toy weapons."

When will the teachers' union ever learn?

Christmas Day II

Folks

A small addendum to my post about Christmas day.

I neglected to mention that the parsnips and roast potatoes (that accompanied the turkey and ham) were of course cooked in healthy goose fat, and that the stuffing inside the turkey and skin of the turkey were made succulent with copious quantities of butter.

I am sorry for any distress caused by these omissions from the original post.

I note that some of you are fantasising about ham sarnies...

Here at Frost towers, the ham (what little remains of it) is being wolfed down with copious quantities of fried eggs and bubble and squeak (cooked in copious quantities of health giving goose fat).

As said, Nanny and her ilk can get stuffed this Christmas.

Keep it large this Christmas.

Ken

Christmas Day

3lbs of boiled gammon and 12lbs of turkey (plus stuffing)
Mr Turkey

There was also a 3lb breaded Swedish style ham and 1lb of cocktail sausages.

In your face Nanny!

ID Cards Are Bollocks

Almost exactly three years ago to the day, I wrote:

"The IT requirements, necessary to effectively manage the huge database envisaged by Nanny, are not feasible. No IT project implemented by politicians, of any party, has ever worked properly or met budget."

Over the past month or so, the media reports that:

-25 million data records have been lost by HMRC

-Learner driver details have been lost

-Pension details have been lost

-NHS records have been lost etc the list will keep growing

The connection?

-They are all data records stored on Nanny's IT systems

-All the data records are the responsibility of Nanny

-These are the private data records of individuals

-Nanny's IT systems have failed

Given the above, how the fark can we trust Nanny to protect the data records that she intends to take from us in order to set up her ID card system?

The people who have had their personal security compromised in this way by Nanny should take a class action against her for negligence.

A Little Light Reading

Dear all,

Do you find that Christmas with the relatives, trapped at home, staring at lousy TV Christmas "specials" is more than mind and body can tolerate?

Then may I suggest you download my book "Accountants Can Cook"?

I have spent the first forty years of my life eating good food and drinking fine wines, ales and spirits; I fully intend to continue in the same vein over the next forty, or so, years. However, when I do finally "pop my clogs" I would like to be made into a pate which would be served at my wake. That way my friends will be able to relive the culinary experiences of my life. Should you not wish to wait that long, then may I suggest that you read on.

That is the opening paragraph of my book, "Accountants can Cook"; which takes you on a journey, both geographic and gastric, through the first forty years of my life. See me grow up from schoolboy to student, then on to become Head of Internal Audit for two of the world's best known companies.

Eat my life!

Download "Accountants Can Cook", it's free!

I order you to read it!




Have it large this Christmas.

Ken

Merry Christmas

Have it large this Christmas!

Ken

Top of The List

Off topic, but I am sure that you will be pleased/amused to know that my site www.hmrcisshite.com is top of Accountancy Age's favourites list.

Not bad, considering it has only been up and running for less than a month.

Ken

Tax As You Throw

Finally one of Nanny's little helpers has admitted what everyone else has known all along; namely that the "pay as you throw" charge is in fact a tax.

Cue the dramatic music!

Joan Ruddock, Nanny's Environment Minister, admission came after she had spent several minutes explaining to MPs of the Communities and Local Government select committee why pay-as-you-throw charges are not a tax.

Oh dear, if Nanny can't even make up her own mind about this tax...it augurs ill for its effective implementation.

Mind you we should not be too surprised at this dithering and confusion. The hallmark of the Brown "administration" is dithering and confusion; guaranteed to end in disaster.

The new tax will mean that families which fail to recycle enough rubbish will be charged extra by their council for having their bins emptied.

Ruddock said that the point of a rubbish incentive scheme was that those who failed to carry out the 'simple task' of meeting 'norms' for recycling would face charges.

Quote:

"It is definitely not a tax."

Then, as if by magic, said:

"I have just been told that technically

these charges are regarded by the

Treasury as a form of tax.

I think I may have been mistaken."

It's enough to make you weep.

Do we pay these morons?

A number of councils (maybe 14) are going to test this new tax. Unfortunately, Ruddock wouldn't tell the committee which councils which have offered to take part in pay-as-you-throw trials.

Isn't that kind of slimy and dishonest?

What a shower!

Auntie Bans Faggot

There is one organisation in the UK that seeks to emulate Nanny's fussy, interfering manner; and does it rather well too.

The name of that organ?

None other than Auntie (the BBC).

This time round, Auntie has excelled herself and out Nannyed Nanny.

The dear old bureaucratic gits who run Radio 1 have had something of a dilemma this year, over that old Christmas favourite Kirsty MacColl's "Fairytale in New York".

They got themselves very worked up over the word "faggot":

"you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot"

Being a bunch of tossers, the BBC decided to censor the word.

A second line where MacGowan calls MacColl "an old slut on junk" had also been edited.

Her mum, Jean MacColl, called the ban "ridiculous" and listeners bombarded the station with complaints.

The result?

Auntie backed down and has allowed the word "faggot" to be used.

A Radio 1 spokeswoman said station management had met to discuss the lyrics and decided to dub them out to avoid offence. This evening the station's controller said after "careful consideration" the ban had been lifted.



What a bunch of complete pricks!

The song reached number two in the charts in 1987, re-entering last year on the strength of recent downloads.

Now here's why the ban was bollocks:

1 The song has been around for 20 years

2 The BBC has played it repeatedly in the past

3 Banning the word merely drew attention to it

4 People need to get over themselves

5 Out of 60 million people you are never going to please everyone

6 Radios have an "off" switch

7 The BBC is not there to act as moral guardian

8 This is the killer fact, the ban did not extend across the whole of the BBC - Radio 2 was playing the full version of the track.

In short, BBC are a bunch of tossers and don't deserve our money.

here is the video and soundtrack:

Booze

In the final few drinking days before Christmas there are many parties to attend and many pubs to crawl. In such a febrile atmosphere it is easy to lose track of the key message that Nanny likes to disseminate at this time of year:

"Don't live your lives to the full!

Don't enjoy yourselves!"


Have no fear, Nanny is on the ball and is targeting the very essence of Christmas itself; namely booze.

For many years Nanny has told us that we should not drink more than a certain number of alcohol units per week. I think she has in mind around 25 for men, and 18 or so for women.

A unit of alcohol used to be the equivalent of a pint of beer, a measure of spirits or a glass of wine.

No longer!

Nanny has moved the goal posts.

In any other target measurement, the goal posts would be increased so as to show that Nanny has met her target. However, Nanny is a perverse old witch and likes to punish us for being so decedent. Therefore she has tightened up the unit measure; one glass of wine will now be 3 units, a pint will also be 3 etc etc.

In other words, she is telling us to drink even less.

Nanny's chums in the butchers' profession (doctors) are particularly incensed at the middle classes, who have the audacity to drink a glass of wine every night. Seemingly we will all die from this outrageous behaviour.

Here's why Nanny's drink rules are bollocks:

1 Many politicians are overweight, drink, drug and sex fuelled sweaty little individuals. They have no right to tell others how to live their lives.

2 The butchers' profession suffers from very high rates of substance and alcohol abuse. They are in no position to tell others how to live.

3 What is the point of adding a few more years to one's life when we all know that we will end up in one of Nanny's hospitals/care homes at the mercy of underpaid, overworked and under trained "carers"?

Life is to be lived to the full, whilst you are still able, then go out with a bang.

Here endeth Ken's message for Christmas.

National Smoking Day

Those of you who wish to stick two fingers up to Nanny may wish to participate in a little event being organised for 31 December this year, New Year's Eve.

Pubs, clubs and other venues are being encouraged to break the no smoking law on that day and overwhelm Nanny's smoking police

Sounds like a good idea to me, I may even puff on a fag myself that evening in honour of the event.

Here is a newspaper article on the subject from The Sunday Post

Sanity Clause

This rather amusing analysis of Santa's risk factors is doing the rounds at the moment.

Enjoy!

Santa Claus has been accused of putting his life and the lives of others at risk through breaches of health and safety laws. Brandy-loving present-giver Claus behaves recklessly and in direct contravention of UK legislation, experts said.

Claus, also known as Father Christmas, delivers presents to the nation's children by landing a sleigh on the roofs of houses and climbing down chimneys to deliver sack-loads of gifts. He is understood to use letter boxes for entry to houses without chimneys.

Health and safety law expert Fiona Clarke of Pinsent Masons, said that he could well be in breach of the law. "Santa's yuletide operations clearly come within the Work at Height Regulations 2005," said Clarke.

"Working at height should be avoided where possible, but if it is absolutely necessary then Santa should at least make sure his sleigh has guard rails to prevent a fall and a fall arrest system installed so that if he does fall he is protected."

Those whom Claus visits also have obligations though, warned Clarke. "Householders should be aware of occupiers' liability – if Santa is coming to your home then you have a duty to take reasonable steps to make sure he is not injured," she said. "Make sure your roof is safe and that the chimney is clear so that he doesn't injure himself on the way down."

Concern has also been raised at Claus's brandy intake, which switches to whisky in Scotland. Claus visits houses on a nine-reindeer sleigh which flies through the air, despite the ingestion of a glass of spirits in each of the UK's 25 million households in one evening.

"The alcohol restrictions are the same for every pilot whether you are flying a light aircraft or a 747," a spokesman for the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) said:

"It is 20 milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood, which is nothing, basically, a trace. One brandy probably would put you over that limit."

"These are the rules for pilots in the UK, every country has its own and Lapland may have different requirements," said the spokesman.

There are also flying height restrictions which Claus is in clear breach of. Aircraft must not fly lower than 1,000 feet in major conurbations, according to the CAA. Claus consistently does this as he flits from roof to roof.

Nanny Rebrands Christmas

Nanny never misses a trick to push her views onto people, and what better time than Christmas to "re educate" her subjects?

Nanny's chums in Warrington borough council have highjacked the town's Chirtsmas lights, in order to promote their "ethical" views on recycling.

The lights say:

"Recycle for Warrington"

Council leader Ian Marks is of the view that recycling is preserving the earth, and is a Christian message.

The church, who actually have some knowledge of religion, think that the idea is bollocks. They are so pissed off that they have written a spoof Christmas carol attacking the council's message.

The Bishop of Bolton, David Gillett, said:

"I am quite surprised to see the usual Christmas

greetings replaced by the slogan, Recycle for Warrington."

The diocese quoted one Warrington church-goer:

"It is a clear example of a council that

has forgotten what Christmas is about.

Christmas is not an opportunity for marketing

departments to promote council branding."

The spoof hymn reads:

"For Christmas here in Warrington,

hath this year been replaced,

with chidings of throwing all in bins,

all in bins,

with chidings of throwing all in bins."

Nanny is not the first authoritarian regime to rebrand Christmas..can you guess who did it before children?

Educashun

Given Nanny's oft stated predilection for "Educashun, Educashun, Educashun" and the recently announced "Balls Plan" for one stop shops at schools, it has come as a "total surprise" (there is irony in that phrase folks) to learn that classic poetry is in danger of disappearing from English lessons because teachers with little knowledge of literature.

Maybe, on reflection, I shouldn't be too surprised.

Many of the young teachers in schools have been victims of Nanny's lousy educashun system, where competitiveness and a desire for self improvement have been banned.

Only very few primary schools are now using works such as Wordsworth's Daffodils, or Coleridge's the Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

It seems that many primary teachers simply do not know enough about poetry to cover the subject properly. They instead opt for the easy option, offered by modern writers.

Taking the easy way out has always been Nanny's philosophy.

Children should not be stretched beyond the limits of the slowest/dimmest pupil in class.

The result?

A classroom full of bored, fractious kids who end up causing trouble as their minds are turned to mush in the stultifying boredom of Nanny's schools.

Seemingly the poem of choice for Nanny's teachers is that redoubtable work by Spike Milligan, "On the Ning, Nang, Nong".

Inspectors who checked poetry teaching at 86 primary and secondary schools concluded it was the worst-taught aspect of English.

One in three schools were merely "satisfactory" while only seven were rated "outstanding".

Passing for teacher feedback these days, instead of a detailed critique, teachers now write "super" or "lovely poem". Thus displaying a remarkable level of ignorance.

Adding to the boredom imposed by Nanny on the hapless kids is the task set by many teachers, that of counting the lines in a poem.

What the fark good is that?

How can we possibly hope to teach children if the teachers themselves are uneducated and unchallenging?

A Fishy Tale

Something fishy is going on in the ENGLISH Channel (I am a firm believer in annoying the Europhiles by emphasising the "English" part of the name), and it's all down to Nanny's love affair with the cod.

Nanny and her acolytes (celeb chefs and green campaigners) have been telling us for a very long time that the cod was in danger; as such, strict quotas have been introduced to prevent over fishing.

Fair enough.

The trouble is, when Nanny introduces a rule she doesn't apply it with any form of common sense.

As such, hundreds of kilos of dead cod (caught by fishermen seeking other fish) have to be thrown back into the ENGLISH Channel in order to keep within Nanny's rules.

The fish are caught by accident by fishermen seeking Dover sole and other fish etc etc, the cod die after catching their gills in the nets and are then thrown back into the water.

ENGLISH Channel fishermen are also well pissed off that their cod quota is less than one tenth of the French quota, which is more than 70% of the total. French fishermen can land 3,377 tons of cod a year while British fishermen are limited to 366 tons.

There you have it folks, Nanny sticks up for cod and the French but not for her own people.

Nanny Bans Christmas Tree

Ah the traditional Nanny pursuit of banning Christmas decorations and Christmas trees is once again upon us.

This time Nanny's chums in EDF Energy have banned a Christmas tree in Waddon, because of health and safety fears.

What a bunch of tossers!

Over the last 18 years a large horse chestnut tree (yes, I know it's not a traditional Christmas tree) in Layton Crescent has been festooned with lights during the festive season.

The Christmas lights have always been powered by using electricity from one of the nearby lamp posts.

However, this year EDF Energy (who took over the task of supplying electricity last year) have put the mockers on the illumination; they cite tightened rules from the Health and Safety Executive that prevents them from allowing their electricity to be used.

I wonder if this is not just a half cocked method of saving money?

The lights are organised by the Together in Waddon project, and for most of the last 18 years the illuminations have been handled by Croydon Council.

The council would use a power supply from the lamp post, and run a cable to the tree.

The residents are pretty pissed off with EDF, as had they been given better notice they would have looked into raising money to buy a generator.

James Barber, from EDF Energy, said:

"New stricter health and safety regulations

mean the electricity supply provided in the

past is now not allowed. It is deemed to be a risk

to the public that must be avoided."

For the record, precisely no one has been injured or killed by the illuminated tree.

Nanny's view is that risk is to be avoided...utter bollocks!

A healthy and fulfilling life can only be achieved if risk is embraced.

The Great Firewall of China

Folks I wonder if anyone can help me with this request that I received today?

Message text

Hi Ken,

I have a problem accessing 'nanny knows best' in mainland China, normally I would have to use a 'Proxy Hub' such as 'Letmeby.com' to bypass the Chinese firewall (direct access to the web site is not possible) but this and many others are being tinkered with.

The result is I can't open your web page anymore.

Any one with any ideas please?

Many thanks.

End of message

Nanny is not the only site of mine that the Chinese are blocking, any ideas most definitely would be very welcome.

Thanks

Ken

Christmas Decorations

In keeping with the season, you will be pleased to know that I spent this weekend erecting and mounting (can I say that?) the Frost household Christmas decorations.

Please be assured that, in keeping with the ethical principles of this website:

• The decorations are fire hazards



• No "pull" or "load bearing" tests were carried out



• Some decorations have been hung from light fittings (which have not been tested for load bearing)



• The coloured lights and electronic snowman have not be checked by a qualified electrician



• I used a chair to stand on, when mounting and erecting many of them



• I have not received any training wrt standing on a chair, or indeed mounting/erecting decorations



• The electrical parts of the decorations add to the CO2 emissions of the planet



• Many extra plug extensions have been added, without being checked for safety



• The wires for the extensions and the lights present a considerable trip hazard

All in all, a typical British Christmas!

Nanny can keep her nose out.

I am fully confident that, ignoring the effects of booze and excess food, I and my loved ones stand a better than 50% chance of making it through the Christmas period in one piece.

By the way, talking of food and booze, don't forget to use the most excellent links on this site to buy your booze and food for the festive season.

How about a Nanny thong?



Buy them and other Nanny stuff at Nanny's store

How about an "In Your Face" Thong?



Buy them at The Emporium

Have it large this Christmas!

The Dangers of Pantos

Twenty miles to London, and still no sign of Dick!

Yes folks, tis pantomime season again...where men dress as women, the principle boy is a girl (in a remarkably short skirt) and the leading lady gets to kiss the principle boy (who is a girl).

Only in Britain would people take young children to see such shenanigans (spelling???)...no wonder we have a few sexual hang ups.

Anyhoo, for once, Nanny doesn't mind about such cross dressing lesbian type issues.

What she does object to is the time honoured tradition of throwing sweets into the audience.

For why?

I hear you ejaculate...can I say ejaculate?

Simple, the sweets might hit the head of a child.

Organisers of the Babes in the Woods and Robin Hood production at Gorleston Pavilion Theatre, near Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, are shitting themselves that they will be sued for negligence if youngsters are hit in the face by a stray chocolate.

The theatre is not covered by insurance for any injuries from sweets thrown by the pantomime dame, Mark Hudson.

Instead, the sweets will be dropped into the front row and passed around by ushers.

Complete madness!

Oh no it's not!

In keeping with the spirit of the occasion I wrote this article whilst wearing an oversized dress, and elaborate makeup....well actually, that's a normal Saturday morning in the Frost household, but maybe we won't go into that!

Nanny Bans Ramp

Ah the joys of being a teenager, the world hates you and you are covered in puss.

Halcyon days!

One would therefore think that any modest device or amusement that keeps teenagers out of trouble (relative to the meaning of the word these days), and helps them expend their surplus energy would be rather a good idea.

Quite so, unless that is you are Nanny.

My sympathies therefore to the hapless, puss ridden, teenagers of St Newlyn East who are to have their skateboard ramp facility removed.

Why?

Nanny's chums on the parish council have deemed that the ramp, installed only 8 weeks ago at the village playground, is a health and safety hazard.

Pass the sick bag someone.

Are they seriously trying to get people to believe that they didn't check it out before building it?

Local parents are quite rightly well pissed off with the knobheads on the council. The ramp helps to keep the youths off the streets, mind you we do have jails for that, and gives them something to do.

A parent said:

"The ramp was offered for free

by one of the locals and the council

agreed to fix it and put it in the park.

Everybody was pleased.

But now, because of health and safety fears,

it has to be removed and everybody is

gutted because it gives the youths

something to do.
We think they have done an amateur job.

First they said yes and now when the kids love it

they are taking it away unless we form an

independent committee that will take the

responsibility for it."

Now we see why Nanny is annoyed:

1 It was not her idea to put the ramp in

2 She hates people thinking and acting independently

3 People like it, that certainly is something she hates

4 She loves committees, and there is no committee running it.

How the fark can a committee run a ramp?

What dick head on the council came up with that brain wave?

The parents are now trying to form a committee, but the council want it to be funded and will not fund it of course.

Therefore, no committee...no ramp.

Chairman of St Newlyn East parish council, Martin Harvey, said:

"The ramp is successful and doing exactly

what it's supposed to be doing and

we are pleased with it.

The youths are important part of the village

and we want to look after them and

keep them off the streets.

But we, as councillors, would like

a group to come forward and run it

on the same basis as the football

and cricket club is run."

Errmmm...but a ramp is not a football club.

How the fark can a committee run a ramp?

Local Councils - What Are They Good For?

Nanny's local councils employ some of the finest hard working people in the country, and attract the finest minds to become local councillors...don't they?

Nanny's council tax is not high, and the services provided by our local councils are clearly value for money...aren't they?

Nanny's local councils are staffed by people with a healthy attitude to risk, who do not seek to impose petty minded bureaucratic rules and health and safety measures on the local population....right?

No, I don't think so either.

Here is another story about mind numbing, bureaucratic, social engineering rules imposed by local councils that clearly have not been thought through.

It seems that limits on what people may throw into their bins may mean that, in many boroughs, waste will pile up on the streets this Christmas.

Councils across the country have imposed a limit on the amount of non-recyclable refuse they are prepared to collect, this includes food scraps.

Now, as we all know, Christmas is the mother of all eating and drinking binges. The result being a mountain of turkey bones, stale Brussels sprouts and other assorted debris/detritus.

This pile of waste has to be disposed of...normally in our bins.

Unfortunately, Nanny's chums in the local councils have other ideas. In places such as Swindon, Bournemouth and Oxford, councils have a recycling programme which means the vast majority of households are only allowed one wheelie bin full of general domestic waste.

The "bright boys" in the council are not relaxing that policy over Christmas.

It seems that the bin men in these areas will refuse to pick up any bags left on the side and if the lid is not closed properly, they will not empty it.

Excellent!

Clearly a helpful, customer orientated policy!

Definitely one that will work during the festive season.

Spokesman for Swindon Borough council, Richard Freeman, congratulated himself:

"At the moment we are able to recycle 38%

of all the refuse collected in the town.

That is an impressive figure which means

our strict policy must be working."

Let's see how it works at Christmas then matey!

The rats and other assorted vermin will be pleased.

Local councils:

-Value For Money
-Helpful
-Logical
-Hard Working

NOT!!!!

Elf 'n Safety

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat (if Nanny hasn't put him on a diet) etc.

As we move inexorably towards the season of festive fun and frolics, Nanny's Elf 'n Safety Gestapo are on the march again.

This time they have put their size ten jackboots into Santa's sleigh. Nanny is worried that Santa may fall off his sleigh, which travels at a mind boggling 5 mph, and have ordered him to belt up.

Recall the halcyon days when a man with a red flag had to walk in front of a car, lest it run someone over?

Nanny brings those memories flooding back with her prissy attitude to Santa's sleigh.

Anyhoo, Santa's visits to Halesowen West Midlands have been organised by Halesowen and Rowley Regis Rotary Club every year for 20 years. Unfortunately our old friends in the money grasping world of insurance almost put paid to Santa emptying his sack (can I say that here?), when they issued an edict saying he must wear a seat belt and upped the premiums accordingly.

Fortunately a modification to his sleigh was made, a harness was added.

Rotary president Barry Wheeler was not that impressed with the Elf 'n Safety knobheads.

Quote:

"We have done the sleigh round the towns

for something like 18 to 20 years.

Every year we have made sure Santa gets to

go through the town and wave to the children.

But this year we found out we actually

needed a much more wide-ranging insurance

policy for Santa riding on the sleigh

because of health and safety rules.

It would have run into a four-figure sum

which we just couldn't afford to pay.

We pay for the Santa sleigh visits out

of the club funds,

not from the collections we do.

But even club funds couldn't run

to the huge amount the insurance wanted.

It just seemed ridiculous, especially

because he doesn't actually ride on

the sleigh that often.

The sleigh is towed from place to place

by a Land Rover. Santa only usually gets

on once we get to the place of choice

and then the sleigh is towed at a rather

stately 5mph.

He would be more likely to injure himself

getting in and out of the sleigh than

actually falling out of it."

Insurance companies are getting away with murder these days, thanks to Nanny's zero risk policies and people's greed and desire to sue for the slightest accident/bit of bad luck.

Prat of The Week

Ooh, Tuesday is with us already and I haven't awarded my prestigious "Prat of The Week" Award yet.

I have little hesitation in awarding it to whoever it was who called in the Croydon police the other week, over a dispute about a hamburger in a McDonald's.

Seven of her Majesty's finest, with cars, swarmed into the eatery within minutes.

Some dopey female customer, clearly not using all the grey cells that nature had endowed her with, called the police after claiming someone behind her in the queue had been handed a burger which should have been hers.

The angry burgerless woman began shouting at staff, about the alleged queue jumping, and then called 999.

On receiving the call, officers swarmed McDonald's in North End, Croydon, within minutes.

She was taken outside by police, and was heard complaining:

"You don't understand, she took the burger."

Clearly well deserving the "Prat of The Week" Award, quite obviously the product of the Nanny "wipes my arse" state.

What a nation we are building!

Nanny Bans Mince Pies

"Tis the season to be merry,

Trah Lah Lah..."

It's that time of year again where people do their best to have a good time, and Nanny does her best to stick her nose in where it is not wanted.

Nanny's chum Neil Davies, headmaster at Mynydd Cynffig Junior School in Kenfig Hill, has decreed that home-made mince pies and other Christmas cakes are to be banned, because in his view they pose a health and safety threat.

The children at his school were looking forward to taking their mothers' highly toxic cakes to the school's annual Christmas sale.

However, Davies banned them because he believes that some children have allergies to certain foods and he could never be sure of the ingredients which had been used in home-made produce.

Quote:

"There is a risk of someone becoming ill

from something home-made.

I don't know what the ingredients are

and there are allergies.

Because of things like that,

we made a decision as a school.

I have had no complaints from anyone

linked to the school about this.

I have got to guarantee the health

and safety of the pupils."

Here's why he is talking bollocks:

1 There is a risk in every food product we eat

2 You cannot eliminate risk

3 To attempt to wrap children in cotton wool is a very bad way to prepare them for the real world

4 He has not got to "guarantee" health and safety

5 How many thousands of kids die each year from eating mince pies?

6 Children and adults eat themselves sick over Christmas

7 Home made food is better than shop made shite

8 I bet he has had complaints...

Here's a complaint, one mother is quoted:

"It seems crazy.

We invited our children's friends round

for parties at home and serve up mince pies

we've cooked,

so what's the difference selling them

at the Christmas school fair?"

Children wrapped in cotton wool make lousy adults, denying them a decent level of exposure to the real world is a form of abuse.

Pain Killers

As we all know Nanny these days is tad prissy about pain killers. Trying to buy more than a box at any one time causes quite a rumpus in shops and pharmacies. Seemingly Nanny thinks that a few milligrams over her "safe" limits will do us immeasurable damage.

I say bollocks!

I had a bad headache coming on during an evening out with friends last night, and so resorted to an industrial strength Ibuprofen (purchased abroad) of 600mg per tablet. I had 4 tablets, as the warning label was in Spanish I felt duty bound to ignore it, washed down with a refreshing cointreau.

Here I am today, fit and well; admittedly I could hear the colour blue last night, but I put that down to the headache.