Open Mike

Open mike session today folks, owing to a large volume of work.

Ken

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Bank Holiday

Have a large Bank Holiday weekend everyone!

Don't let the traffic jams, or poor weather dampen your ardours!

Ken

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Prats of The Week - Colchester Borough Council/Essex Police

This week seems to be a week for "Prats", therefore I am happy to announce yet another "Prats of The Week" Award.

This award goes to Colchester Borough Council and Essex police.

For why?

Just ask Dominic Payne of Colchester.

Mr Payne recently claimed that the council and police have wasted taxpayer's money investigating the noise of mating frogs in his garden. He said that he was recently visited by environmental health officers from Colchester Borough Council, who said they had been listening to the mating frogs to get a decibel noise reading.

After that two police officers turned up to investigate the frogs. Seemingly they went round his garden trying to photograph the frogs.

The Marsh frogs, for that is what they are, are classified as a non native species and in theory can be rounded up and "disposed of"...whatever that means.

Colchester Council claim that they have a statutory duty to investigate complaints about noise nuisance. Once they had identified that the noise came from non native frogs they were obliged, so they say, to tell the police.

What a waste of time and money!

Colchester Borough Council/Essex Police, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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The Dangers of Hanging Baskets

Commiserations to Linda Martin of Wilton, who recently fell foul of the knobheads running Wiltshire Council.

Mrs Martin wanted to brighten up the town centre and so put up some hanging baskets around trees in the Market Place, they had small sponsorship signs from local stores on them.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, the council ordered her to take them down because they are a "health and safety hazard" and may also damage the tress....oh, and the "proper procedures" hadn't been followed wrt placing "adverts" on them.

MP John Glen is of the view that it was a ridiculous way to deal with such a matter.

Town councillor Peter Edge said:

"The sponsorship signs were the size of a Post-it Note and the wiring wasn't damaging the trees in any way.

Somebody at Wiltshire Council wants to get a life."

A Wiltshire spokesman said:

"The town council asked us to look at their concerns regarding the way the baskets were attached to the young trees. We confirmed that they could harm the trees and were a potential hazard to pedestrians, especially the partially-sighted.

We are here to support people who want to make a positive difference to their communities and we are happy to work with the town council to find an alternative way of displaying the baskets."

Bollocks!

If someone is that poorly sighted, then they are just as likely to walk into the tree anyway. Therefore the logical conclusion would be to chop down the trees.

I suspect that some sad loser didn't like the fact that "permission" had not been formally given for the adverts, and that the health and safety issue is being used as cover for a jobsworth's spite.

Councils, as ever, demonstrating that they have become the enemy of the people!

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Prats of The Week - Thurrock Council

Congratulations to Thurrock Council for winning, by a landslide, this week's "Prats of The Week" Award.

For why?

Ask Kevin Coombes, of Ockenden, who was getting brassed off with "vandals" continually ripping off his Neighbourhood Watch stickers from the door of his council flat.

He decided to complain to the council, who told him that his caretaker had been instructed to rip the stickers off the doors.

For why?

Seemingly, in the eyes of the council, these stickers are a fire hazard.

Mr Coombes then called his local fire station, the firemen there are of the opinion that the stickers are not dangerous.

Thurrock Council are unyielding, they now claim that if Mr Coombes is allowed to put his stickers up then other people will be encouraged to stick things to their doors too.

The official quote from the council, supplied to the Mail, is somewhat ambiguous:

"We do not have a policy in place on stickers/notices in communal areas but there is a general presumption against stickers in communal areas due to fire hazards."

(Ken says: this is contradictory, if there is no policy then they can't have a "presumption against".)

"Mr Coombes is at liberty to place the sticker in his own window and the council is happy to meet with Mr Coombes to discuss this face to face."

What is the difference between a window and a door?

Surely, if these stickers are as dangerous as the council claims, then window stickers are just as "lethal" as door ones?

Thurrock Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Prats of The Week - Morley Town Council

My thanks to a loyal reader who has nominated Morley Town Council for my prestigious, and internationally renowned "Prats of The Week" Award.

For why?

Well, let him explain in his own words:

"Morley Town Council have just published their annual report for 2010 and the balance sheet doesn't balance.

Why not?

Because they have hidden bits of it.

Worried about the consequences of revealing a confidential compromise settlement with the former Town Clerk after losing a tribunal, they decided that they would create a bit of Accountancy history - by publishing their balance sheet without a balance.

Already a laughing stock in rapidly spreading beancounter circles, the Audit Commission isn't overly impressed either. They described it as "unusual" and have fired a shot across the bows with this rather ominous remark:

'One would hope, however, that any financial information presented in an annual report would be both complete and consistent with the audited statutory accounts of the body.'

By September 30th, the council will have to reveal these numbers they are hiding, when they publish the audited accounts.

So why delay the inevitable?

Eventually, one concerned citizen (me) took a trip to the local library and found the figures in amongst old agendas & annual reports. They had been approved in open session back in May!

By their cack-handed handling of this the council have drawn more attention to themselves, and the issue is the talk of the Facebook Morley message boards.

There remains a big question about which side wanted confidentiality and why - something they are keeping very quiet on.

But can a public body use confidentiality to hide what may be very poor decisions?

Not for ever!

The Town Council is ran by a strange collective of independents who formed their own party, the Morley Borough Independents. (There is one British Nasty party member, but she has been successfully frozen out by them refusing to second her onto any committees). Morley's six City Council Members are also MBIs on the Town council but their influence in Leeds varies with whatever the latest power struggle is in a Council with a very tiny party majority."

Morley Town Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Bugger Bognor!

Congratulations to the town council of Bognor for winning my rarely awarded prize of "Pompous Twats of The Year".

For why?

Well, way back in 1929 George V allowed the town of Bognor to call itself Bognor Regis.

The city councillors are now having a touch of the Hyacinth Buckets (pronounced "bouquet";)) over the fact that the vast majority of the world calls the pace "Bognor", rather than "Bognor Regis".

Now in the real world, where we are rather worried about the level of public spending, the economy, etc, etc this would not matter one jot.

However, in the rarefied world of Bognor's council (sorry Bognor Regis's council) it matters more than life itself.

As such "officials" from the council have (at no expense to themselves, but at expense to their taxpayers) written to public bodies across Britain asking for the "rude" practice of shortening the name to stop.

The campaign was initiated at a council meeting, where councillors enthusiastically supported the action.

Factoid: George V on his death bed, when being told he would soon be well enough to revisit the town, replied:

"Bugger Bognor".

Maybe the council will be contacting him via a spiritualist, to correct his mistake too and to elicit an apology from beyond the grave?

As noted, Bognor Town Council well deserving "Pompous Twats of The Year".

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Fleck Off!

Dear oh dear, what a remarkable waste of people's time and energy!

I read recently that Kay Balsdon and her partner Chris Bates of Aldershot were visited by the police, and fined £80 for 'criminal damage'.

Their crime?

They had been painting their fence, and a few flecks of paint had spattered the neighbour's side of the fence.

The neighbour complained to the police, and the police duly threatened the couple with a court appearance etc if they didn't pay the on the spot fine.

Guess what?

After the rumpus in the media over this case, Hampshire Police have now decided to refund the fine.

What does this tell us about the "legality" of on the spot fines?

What does this tell us we should do when confronted with an on the spot fine?

I look forward to reading your answers to the above questions;)

As said though, a remarkable waste of time and energy.

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Prats of The Week - Plymouth City Council

Well done Plymouth City Council for winning this week's "Prats of The Week" Award.

Russell Burt, aka the "Owl Man", had been walking his feathered friends around Plymouth on his shoulder for almost 10 years without any mishaps.

However, the lump heads in the council recently banned him from doing so, lest the owls "run amok".

Has anyone ever seen an owl "run amok"?

How often do I get to use the word "amok"?

I really must use it more often!

Anyhoo, there was a public outcry and Mr Burt received overwhelming support for his owl walking. The council were trashed in the media, and by local residents.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, the council back tracked (because they are a bunch of spineless knobheads, who hadn't any real justification for banning the owl walking) and have now allowed Mr Burt to walk his owls (aside from near busy roads).

Plymouth City Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

I believe they are a Tory council, yes?

By the way, how come owls can be banned but pit bulls can't?

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I Have A Little List

Ooh, doesn't Nanny just love her secret little lists?

It seems that those who call 999, to report a crime, are being asked for their ethnicity and date of birth.

For why?

These details are being stored, without consent, on a database which also holds details of suspected criminals.

Nanny's chums in North Yorkshire Police, for instance, have a database of 181,917 callers compared to 38,259 suspects.

North Yorkshire Police claim that they are following national guidance. The information is held for a minimum of 15 years, and can be stored for up to 100 years in the most serious cases.

However, the data request is not compulsory; therefore do not provide the data in the event you need to call 999.

By the way, a very small point occurs to me, in the event someone is ringing to report a real time crime being committed "live"; does not the time taken to ask these questions and answer them, actually waste valuable seconds in dispatching the police to apprehend the criminals?

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Booze Matters - Advice To David Cameron

I see that the media reports that David Cameron has said that he would look sympathetically at local initiatives to tackle "deep discounting" on booze (ie cheap booze offers).

Correct me if I am wrong, but do our "beloved" MPs not benefit from access to bars in the Houses of Parliament that are open all hours, that serve "deep discounted" booze courtesy of subsidies provided by the taxpayer?

Why are MPs allowed to buy "deep discounted" booze, but not the people who elect them?

MPs are not in a position of moral superiority to lecture us on what/how much we eat, drink, smoke or snort...PERIOD!

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Prats of The Week - Southampton City Council

..and we're back in the room!

It "only" took me an hour to access the net today!

Anyhoo, tis time methinks to award another "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to Southampton City Council (who seem to feature on this site with depressing regularity).

It seems that Southampton City Council have a bee in their bonnet about the length of skirts that some female staff wear.

As such, a memo has recently been issued (some 50 years after the mini skirt came and went into/out of fashion) telling staff that skirts must be of "reasonable" length.

It seems that the skirts must "show respect to children and families."

Eh?

Sixty years too late folks!

Southampton City Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Open Mike Today

My Virgin broadband connection today is utter bollocks, short of taking an axe to it I see no satisfactory resolution to the issue today folks.

Therefore I am going to put my feet up.

Feel free to have an "open mike" discussion today about whatever butters your parsnips.

Ken

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The Dangers of Paying With Cash

Do you pay for things (eg your newspaper) with cash?

Do you draw your curtains in the evening?

Do you consider yourself to be a "quiet person", who doesn't necessarily talk to many people everyday?

You do?

In that case you might be a terrorist!

As such, given that we live in the Nanny state, your neighbours are duty bound to report you to the authorities.

That at least was the message being pumped out, until recently, by an advertising campaign put together by the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) on Talksport radio.

However, having received a handful (18 I think) of complaints, the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) ruled that it could cause "serious offence" and banned it.

In the advert, a man says:

"The man at the end of the street doesn't talk to his neighbours much, because he likes to keep himself to himself.

He pays with cash because he doesn't have a bank card, and he keeps his curtains closed because his house is on a bus route.

If you suspect it, report it."

Why not do what they do in all other petty dictatorships, get the kids to snitch on the parents?

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Hyperbollocks!

I see that Nanny, in the form of Prof Steve Field (chairman of the Royal College of General Practitioners), has decreed that parents who smoke near their children at home or in cars are committing a form of child abuse.

Errmm...no they are not!

Anne Milton, Nanny's Public Health Minister, said:

"There is clear evidence that the smokefree legislation is working very well and almost all enclosed workspaces and public places are free from second hand smoke.

Many families are now voluntarily making their homes smokefree, reducing children's exposure to secondhand smoke.

Public support for the smokefree law is high and continues to grow. Even a majority of smokers now support the law. Because of this, we see no reason to review it.

We will keep working on the evidence base for tobacco control and will say more about our plans in the public health white paper."

Hyperbollocks if ever I have read such!

There is no "clear evidence", "public support" is not "high" and as to what "working on the evidence base" actually means (here's a clue, "fiddling the figures to suit our biased opinions") I leave that for you to judge.

Politicians and doctors, who belong to a group of people known for higher than average alcohol/substance/fag abuse, should keep their noses out of our lives.

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Nanny Bans Paddling Pools

Congratulations to Homes in Havering, which manages the flats for Havering council, who have come up with a remarkably daft policy.

They have banned children from playing in paddling pools in their flats.

For why?

Drowning risk?

No!

Fire risk!

Yes, that's right, fire risk!

The housing association said the pools might get in the way of fire engines arriving to tackle a blaze.

Errmm...it's a paddling pool..ie a flimsy, plastic, inflatable object that a several tonne truck could drive around, or indeed drive over!

Oh, hang on a minute, wouldn't it also contain some water?

Isn't water used to put out fires?

For good measure, the kids who live there are not allowed to skate, or play ball games either.

One wonders why so many kids hang around the streets looking bored out of their brains!

Graham Hart, a senior officer at nearby Hornchurch fire station, was not that impressed with the ban. Fire engines are rarely driven onto grassy areas, and he noted that the pools with water could "come in handy".

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Police Arrest Pensioner

An elderly man, stopped for not wearing a seatbelt, was chased by police who broke a window and dragged him from his car. The incident was captured on a police video.

A tad over the top don't you think?

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Nanny Shuts Down Database

How nice to read some, seemingly, positive news for once.

New Nanny (in the shape of the coalition) has decided to shut down Old Nanny's (ZaNuLabour) £224M child database.

This database holds the records of all 11 million children in England, and was launched last year. It holds the names, ages and addresses of all under-18s on a central computerised database, along with the contact details of their parents, schools and GPs.

Aside from the fact it was years behind schedule, over budget, had security flaws and didn't work well, it also gave access to the details of children to hundreds of thousands of teachers, police officers and social workers.

In other words it granted hundreds of thousands of unelected, unknown individuals the right to spy on a very large percentage of the population.

The database is being destroyed "using government-approved security standards and processes".

By they way, the best way to actually destroy a hard disc (in order to ensure that it is never read) is to take a hammer to it!

Let us trust that a new version is not created at some stage in the future.

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Prats of The Week - Peak District National Trust and Derbyshire County Council

Ooh Err Missus!

It has been a good wee while since I awarded one of my prestigious, and internationally renowned, "Prats of The Week" Awards.

This week it goes to the Peak District National Trust and Derbyshire County Council.

For why?

Well, for many centuries tourists and ramblers have crossed the River Dove using stepping stones.

However, Nanny in the shape of Derbyshire County Council decided that the stones were just too dangerous.

Her solution to this "vexing" health and safety issue?

To place ugly, flat limestone blocks on top of the stones.

The council blame the National Trust, the Telegraph quotes a council spokesman:

"The stepping stones at Dovedale are a public right of way and get a high volume of visitors every day

Over the years the high usage has worn the stones and together with the changing river bed level this meant there was a large discrepancy in the crossing's level from bank to bank.

Some stones were above the water level and others would be flooded, particularly in winter.

The National Trust asked us to look at the stepping stones. We have levelled the stones and brought them up to a consistent height so they are now all at the same level as the highest existing stone.

We are sorry to hear some people do not like them. We have had positive comments from the public and the National Trust."

Michael Innerdale, general manager for the Peak District National Trust, said:

"We feel the work carried out by the county council has improved the condition of the stepping stones, making them more accessible for our visitors.

Derbyshire limestone has been used to repair the stones and in time the stones will weather in appearance."

The regular walkers in the area think that both the council and National trust are a bunch of prats.

So do I!

Peak District National Trust and Derbyshire County Council, well desrving Prats of The Week!

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Question The PM

My local rag sent me this email this afternoon, all very well but given that the event is tomorrow and the deadline today hardly much notice.

Maybe they don't want anyone to come?

However, if anyone is in the Brighton area and is interested, I suggest you get in touch with them paper.

Incidentally, it had a number of spelling mistakes (which I have now corrected)!

"THE Argus would like to offer you the chance to put your questions to the Prime Minister at a live question and answer session when he visits Brighton for a PM Direct event this Thursday, August 5. You are also welcome to attend as a member of the audience. Full details of the event will follow in due course, but anyone interested in attending should register with Lyle Acott at The Argus by Wednesday, August 4 by sending their name, address and date of birth. Full details of the event will then be emailed to you. Places are limited so please register today. email lyle.acott@theargus.co.uk Telephone 01273 544519"

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The Grim RIPA

My compliments to Jenny Paton who took Poole Borough Council (a Conservative council!) to a tribunal, after it admitted using the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (Ripa) to spy on her family 21 times (see an article on thsis ite from 2008).

For why was Poole council spying on Miss Poole?

Did they suspect her of being a terrorist?

No!

Did they suspect her dog of fouling the pavement?

No!

They wanted to check to see if she and her family lived in the right school catchment area.

She does live in the right area by the way!

Anyhoo, Poole lost the case and the Investigatory Powers Tribunal ruled that it was not a proper purpose and not necessary to use surveillance powers.

The tribunal also found that the surveillance breached the family's right to privacy, under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act.

Miss Paton and her family were tailed round the clock, spied on at home and their movements were recorded in detailed surveillance forms. Their car was also described as a "target vehicle".

As ever with councils and jumped up jobsworths, if you give them a smattering of power they misuse use it and abuse it.

Councils, whatever political party they claim to represent, are not to be trusted and are the enemy of the people.

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NICE

I see that our old friends from National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) recently put their noses into the issue of obesity levels among pregnant women.

NICE has issued new guidelines encouraging women in England to attain a healthy weight before they get pregnant, and it advises pregnant women against eating for two once they conceive.

There is of course a wee fly in NICE's oinkment, many women become pregnant without actually planning the precise moment of conception (ie many pregnancies are unplanned).

How, therefore, are women meant to achieve the "optimal" pre pregnancy weight if they do not know when they are to become pregnant?

Could it be that NICE would prefer all women to obtain Nanny's permission (eg via a weight check certificate etc) before conceiving?

It wouldn't surprise me at all!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

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Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Nanny Bans Lap Dancing

I see that Nanny's chum Chris Grayling, the employment minister, has decreed that job centres will no longer be able to display adverts for strippers, topless barmaids and lap-dancers.

All very well, but what gives Nanny to "moral" right to decree what jobs she defines to be "acceptable" or not?

A few factoids for Nanny:

1 Strippers et al are human beings too.

2 We are being told by Nanny that she wants less people claiming benefits, isn't the role of the job centre (aside from humiliating those who pass through its doors) to publicise all jobs that are available (irrespective of the personal prejudices/"morality" of Nanny and those who work in the job centres)?

3 Given Nanny's distaste for lap dancers etc, why is it that she is still happy to tax their earnings? Is that not somewhat hypocritical?

4 I take it then that not one single MP has ever visited a lap dancing club, watched a stripper or visited a brothel then? (Yes, I am being "ironic"!)

This is a small minded ban, that is totally pathetic.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries