The Dangers of Bobbing

As Halloween approaches, here is a suitably "spooky" edition of Nanny Knows Best....oooohhhhhh!!!

When I was a lad (pre internet, pre mobile phones, pre flat screen TV etc) Halloween in England was hardly celebrated, or even noted. We most certainly did not have the US custom of sending children out into the streets at night, to harass and annoy the neighbours in exchange for sweets and bribes in order to be left alone.

Oddly though, because my mum is Irish, we did hollow out a swede and stick a candle in it (pumpkins were rarely seen in the shops in the late 60's) and practice a bit of "apple bobbing" (floating apples in a bucket of water and trying to bite chunks off them).

Now, of course, things are very different. Halloween has become a vast marketing exercise whereby all manner of cheap tat is sold, vast quantities of pumpkins hollowed out and kids encouraged to make nuisances of themselves in their local neighbourhoods (factoid: I will be taking the battery out of my door bell this Halloween).

Suffice to say, whilst Nanny is happy to allow these excesses to take place, Nanny has come down hard on that most harmless of Halloween practises "apple bobbing".

Did you know there was a health and safety risk wrt "apple bobbing"?

No, I didn't either!

Anyhoo, according to ophthalmologist Parwez Hossain (from Southampton General Hospital) a "high-velocity impact with an apple" has the potential to cause serious eye injury, and dirty water could lead to infection or blindness.

He recommends:

- disinfecting water containers,
- using bottled mineral water,
- removing the apples from the water with your hands instead of your mouth,
- removing the stalks of the apples and,
- wearing goggles.

Got that everyone?

Good!

Happy Halloween!

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Confusion Abounds!

As Guy Fawkes (Bonfire) night draws near, it should come as no surprise at all to hear that Nanny has being doing her best to make a damp squib of the whole event (as per normal).

Members of the Somerset County Guy Fawkes Carnival Association, who have been trying to organise the celebrations, have hit a few problems when it was discovered that our "old friends" from the world of insurance were unwilling to accept the heavy trailer floats.

For why?

The insurers were of the view that the drivers needed a heavy goods licence.

The organisers enlisted the help of Avon and Somerset police, and submitted an application for exemption to the DVLA and the Department for Transport (DfT).

You see folks the DVLA regulations ban agricultural licence holders from driving agricultural vehicles towing trailers weighing more than 7.5 tonnes, unless they are performing agricultural work.

The carnival floats exceed limit and are pulled by tractors.

Haha!

Fear not though, the DfT have checked the rules and responded that the rules do not ban provincial carnivals using such means to haul their floats around. It seems that the information on the DVLA website is just overly confusing!

A spokesman for Avon and Somerset Police said the dispute was the result of "confusion all round", and said they will work harder next year will everyone to ensure that they have a greater clarification of the relevant legislation.

Ho Hum!

So much time, effort and money wasted all because the information provided by Nanny was confusing.

It seems to me that many of Nanny's "rules" and "regulations", that are happily quoted by those who wish to stop people living their lives, are in fact non existent.

Nanny deliberately makes things confusing in order to make people avoid doing things, lest they break the law.

Oh, and by the way, I guarantee that many London councils will do their best to use the upcoming fire service strike in London as an excuse to stop firework display etc.

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The Bleedin' Obvious

My congratulations to the Nannys of Brighton station who surpassed themselves yesterday, with their warning about the bleedin' obvious.

I arrived at Brighton station at around 6:30 last night (it was wet and windy, welcome to England!) to be greeted by the following announcement (on top of the usual "I am sorry for the delay...") being repeated over the station's speaker system:

"Please be aware that it is raining and, as such, the concourse will be wet etc...".

For fark's sake, it was well obvious that it was raining (bucket loads to be precise)!

In the event that the concourse becomes wet, why not simply swab the decks and mop it up?

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Don't Be Evil

Naughty Google, the company whose motto is "Don't be evil", seems to have committed something of a security "faux pas".

You may recall back in 2008 that it started sending vehicles around the world, collecting data for its worldwide street view product?

Well, some of the data it collected included household computer passwords and emails.

Oops!

All a terrible mistake of course, the VP of Engineering and Research (Alan Eustace) is mortified and promises that the data will be deleted asap.

This provides a pertinent reminder to all of us that our electronic communications are subject, and open, to monitoring.

I would also like to remind you all that your mobile phone, when switched on, provides those who are interested with a physical fix on your location and can also be used to eavesdrop on your conversations.

By the way, did you also know that mobile phones that are switched off can be turned on remotely by third parties (if they have the right equipment)? The only way to prevent this happening is for the battery to be removed.

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Nanny Strips...

Ooh Err Missus!

Nanny has taken up stripping...the stripping of conkers from a large horse chestnut tree, in Queen's Walk Nottingham, that is.

Nottingham council decided to take up stripping after a four-year-old girl was injured by a stick thrown into the tree last year.

According to Michael Williams, the city council's corporate director of communities, the tree is the largest and most accessible horse chestnut in the area.

All very well, my sympathies to the injured girl etc, but what of all the other horse chestnut trees?

The issue is not that of the conkers, but of the manner in which the conkers were being dislodged.

Sticks have been thrown at horse chestnuts for centuries, does Nanny seriously believe that (short of stripping all horse chestnuts in the entire country) she will stop this practice?

This is simply not a practical policy.

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Surplus To The Species

There is rather a bizarre Nannyish story emanating from the zoo of my old university town of Edinburgh.

Some five months ago two rare breed Red River Hog piglets (named Sammi and Becca) were born in the zoo, as part of a special breeding program begun for the animals in 2004.

In fact they were the first born Red River Hog piglets born at the zoo since the start of the special breeding program.

Hoorah!

Ermm...not quite.

For you see loyal readers the piglets were recently "euthanised".

For why?

They were deemed to be "surplus of the species".

Eh?

In June, three more piglets were born at the zoo; males called Ellis, Moses and Nelson.

At this point the European Endangered Species Program (EEP) reclassified Sammi and Becca as "a surplus of the species". The zoo was ordered to destroy the two females, rather than find another home for them.

The EEP are of the view that this policy "strengthens the genetic diversity of the species".

The zoo chose to obey orders, rather than re-home the piglets.

I am not a biologist, but quite honestly the policy sounds like utter bollocks to me. Surely the more breeding, the greater the genetic diversity and hence greater resistance to future threats (eg disease etc)?

Don't get me wrong, I love a good pork chop as much as the next man. However, this policy to my naive accounting brain sounds like utter bollocks (Edinburgh Zoo isn't part of "Project Prevention" by any chance is it?).

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Prats of The Week - Nuts In Autumn

As we enter the Autumnal season of falling leaves and nuts, it is "refreshing" to see that Nanny continues to act nuts.

Thus it is with pleasure that I award Bury St Edmunds council my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

For why?

Council officials, despite this age of austerity, have found a new way to waste taxpayers' money. They have pinned a notice to a horse chestnut tree telling passers-by to beware of falling conkers.

Quote:

"BEWARE Falling Conkers...proceed with care".

It seems that a passer-by was recently hit on the head by a conker.

Well Boo Hoo!

The really saddo thing about this is that the passer-by evidently found the time, energy and desire to actually complain to the council about this.

How sad are some people?

Bury St Edmunds council, well deserving "Prats of The Week"!

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Project Prevention

I see that a US charity (Project Prevention) has started to pay UK drug addicts £200 to be sterilised. The charity is of the view that drug addicts make "unfit" parents.

Maybe so.

The trouble is, who comes next on the list of "unfit" parents?

-Alcoholics (the charity in the US also pays them to be sterilised)?
-Fat people?
-Retarded people?
-Poor people etc?

By the way, who exactly draws up the list of the "unfit"?

Eugenics, and variations thereon, lead to a very ugly future (as the past clearly demonstrates).

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Knobheads

I see that Dunster, a well preserved medieval village complete with cobbled streets, has fallen foul of Nanny's obsession with health and safety.

A council working group has decreed that the worn out cobbles in the Old Yarn Market are a tad "dangerous", and is proposing replacing them with smooth surfaced roads at a cost of over £100K.

Seemingly the working group wants to bring the village "into the 21st century"!

Eh???

The Chairman of the working group, Paul Toogood, told the media that people have required an ambulance five times this year because of falling over on the cobbles.

Why not simply spend the £100K on repairing the damaged cobbles?

Knobheads!

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Fags

I see that Breckland Council in Norfolk intends to introduce a rule making council staff, who pop out for a fag break, clock off and on during these fag breaks.

Time measured as lost because of fag breaks will have to be made up by the smokers.

Fair enough, maybe. However, here are a few small points:

1 It does not appear that the same clocking off/on rule will be applied to those who go to the toilet, chat round the water cooler or who have tea/coffee breaks.

2 Given the "productivity" of office bound council bureaucrats, will it make a cat's chances in hell of a difference to the quality of work performed that will actually positively impact the local taxpayers?

3 Is it possible that the costs might actually outweigh the benefits?

4 Micro managing adults in this manner can cause resentment.

Thoughts anyone?

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Prats of The Week - Brentwood Community Hospital

Champagne for everyone!

Yet another organ of the state has won my coveted "Prats of The Week" Award.

This time it goes to the over cautious members of Brentwood Community Hopsital who erected (can I say "erected"?) signs in their environs warning of the dangers of falling acorns:

"Caution Please Be Aware Of The Falling Acorns".

I kid you not!

It seems that last year a patient stepped on an acorn, and acquired a slight sprain to her ankle.

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The Dangers of Pencil Sharpeners

Dear oh dear what a Nanny nation we have become!

I refer you all to the recent case of Charlotte Howard (11 years old), who went to a 99p Store in Sudbury to buy a pack of coloured pencils.

Sadly for Charlotte the "till operative" refused to sell them to her.

For why?

They contained a pencil sharpener!

Nanny regards pencil sharpeners as "dangerous".

The situation became even more ludicrous when Charlotte's mum went back to the store with her, and tried to buy them herself.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, the "till operative" refused to sell them to her in case she then gave them to her daughter!

The 99p Store chain's commercial director Hussein Lalani told the Daily Mail that he was "proud that our processes restricting the sale of certain items to under-18s have been proved to work".

Errmm..is this man living on planet earth?

By the way, surely a sharp pencil is just as dangerous as a pencil sharpener?

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Prats of The Week - Swansea Council

Well done Swansea Council for winning my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

It seems that their health and safety "experts" were a tad worried about two portraits of the Queen and Prince Charles (2ft by 18ins) that were hung on the communal stairway of a sheltered housing complex in Sketty Park Swansea by one of the residents.

For why?

They might fall on a fireman in an emergency!

The pictures were put up to make the place look like less of a jail.

Swansea Council, well deserving "Prats of The Week"!

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The Dangers of Biscuits

My thanks to Uncle John for alerting us to this cretinous piece of Nannyism as reported in the Telegraph the other day, involving that hallowed institution the School Dinner Lady.

Kathleen Lavery (Dinner Lady) was forced to leave her job at a primary school in Brookeborough near Enniskillen, after she offered one of the kids (a relative) a biscuit.

Can you guess what Nanny did to her?

She was disciplined over the incident.

For why?

Seemingly, the act of an adult (a school dinner lady I would note) offering a child a biscuit constitutes potential "grooming" of the child.

Needless to say, given the odious side of human nature, she was then subjected to such a barrage of gossip and rumours by others that she was forced to leave her job.

Remember folks a few hundred years ago rumours of people being witches etc would be enough to have them burned. Now that we don't believe in witches anymore, we need another way to vent our hatred and self loathing onto others.

Those who subjected this poor woman to this ordeal should hang their heads in shame and beg her forgiveness.

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Open Mike

Sorry folks I am very tied up at the moment, so it is an open mike day to day.

Feel free to vent your spleens about Nanny etc.

Ken

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Interfering Prats of The Week

Here is a variation, a sub award if you will, on my respected and acclaimed "Prats of The Week" Award.

I would like to award the interfering "one or two people", who caused Victoria Jubilee Museum in Cawthorne to remove a swastika flag (liberated by a local soldier from Berlin in 1945) from their Second World War exhibition, with my "Interfering Prats of The Week" Award.

Seemingly "one or two people" at a preview of the display complained that it showed a lack of respect to villagers who died in the war.

The museum committee did not want to upset anyone and covered the swastika with the Union flag; ie they allowed a vocal minority of "one or two people" to have their opinions placed ahead of the majority view.

Factoid: Someone brought it back after fighting to defeat the Nazis.

Airbrushing history in this manner is in fact something that the soldier (Louis Jagger), who liberated the flag, was fighting against.

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Nanny Unbans No Touch Rule

Dare I speak too soon, but are we seeing the small buds of commonsense pushing their heads towards the sun?

Aside from Lord Young's robust kicking in the gonads of the health and safety industry and associated lawyers; I see that Michael Gove, the Educashun Secretary, has announced that the "No touch" rules discouraging teachers from restraining and comforting children will be scrapped.

Teachers will also, quite rightly, be given the right to anonymity if faced by allegations from pupils.

Let us see if these small buds of commonsense survive and flourish into adulthood.

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Health and Safety - We Should Be Allowed To Be Idiots

Further kudos to Lord Young of Graffham who, in his report to David Camerion about Nanny's health and safety nonsense etc, has also stated that the public should be able to challenge council decisions to ban events on grounds of health and safety.

Lord Young described the current health and safety regulations as a "music hall joke".

Lord Young wants local authorities, in future, to explain their decisions to ban events on health and safety grounds in writing.

Lord Young was quoted by the Daily Mail:

"This sort of nonsense has come from the last government trying to create a nanny state and trying to keep everybody in cotton wool.

Frankly if I want to do something stupid and break my leg or neck, that's up to me. I don't need a council to tell me not to be an idiot. I can be an idiot all by myself."

Well said!

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Wankers

I am well pleased to see that Lord Young of Graffham has issued a report (as commissioned by David Cameron) that condemns ambulance chasing lawyers, and calls for curbs on the the aggressive advertising used by these lawyers.

Lord Young is of the view that members of the public are encouraged by unscrupulous lawyers to pursue frivolous personal injury and negligence cases, while "well-meaning" people are deterred from organising voluntary activities.

He notes that the industry has created a "particularly pernicious" climate of fear that puts off well-meaning members of the public from organising voluntary activities in case they are sued if an accident happens.

Lord Young said:

"People who seek to do good in our society should not fear litigation as a result of their actions."

Needless to say, the Association of Personal Injury Lawyers doesn't like Lord Young's conclusions.

This organ has released a statement claiming that changes to health and safety legislation will result in a culture of "carelessness and injury".

Wankers!

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Prats of The Week- Aldi Selby

Tis a Monday morning and time, yet again, for me to award another of my prestigious and internationally renowned "Prats of The Week" Awards.

This week it goes to the Aldi store in Selby.

For why?

Ask Paul Ward, who sent his 10 year old son (David) to the store recently to buy a loaf of bread.

Problem?

Well yes actually.

David was allowed to enter the store, wander round, pick up the bread and walk to the counter.

So far, so good.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, the store refused to sell it to him!

For why?

Aldi in Selby, seemingly, has a policy of not selling anything to children under 16 unless they are accompanied by an adult.

Despite being sent back again by his father, to explain he was on a mission for his father, David left empty handed and hugely embarrassed.

Seemingly Aldi is wary of child shoplifters.

Fair enough, in theory, but here's why this particular store's policy is bollocks:

1 Not all kids under 16 are shoplifters, whilst some adults (over 16) are shoplifters. Shouldn't they ban adults as well then?

2 Given the policy of banning kids, why was David allowed to enter the store and wander round in the first place?

3 Where did commonsense go in all of this? I can well understand if a gang of kids "run amok" in a store they should be kicked out. However, one child with one loaf of bread who is paying for the loaf surely does not a present a threat to the security of the store? Were they accusing him of stealing something else (it doesn't appear to be the case)?

4 Shall we demonise all kids in this manner? What kind of life do we condemn them to if they grow up in a world where they are treated with suspicion, shunned and taught the mantra "guilty until proven innocent"?

5 How are children meant to grow into responsible adults if they are not allowed to go on errands such as this, on their own, for their parents?

As noted Aldi Selby, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Leaf Us Alone!

As we face the onset of yet another wet and windy British Autumn, the trees are beginning to shed their leaves.

The solution to this obvious health and safety risk?

Errm...sweep up the leaves?

Yes, but only if you are a specially trained Nanny professional.

The good people of Blakenall have discovered that the "simple" task of sweeping up their own leaves, and placing them into garden recycling bins, is fraught with hazards.

This action contravenes Walsall Council's policy wrt leaves. Seemingly the local binmen have told the residents to stop sweeping up the leaves, because its "against the rules".

Nanny's rules are documented in some publication entitled "Street Pride" (what has a leaves policy got to do with a gay festival?), anyhoo it seems that Nanny forbids leaves from the highway being placed into brown bins.

For why?

The danger of "contamination".

Those who break Nanny's rules...yes, you've guessed what comes next.. face a fine of up to £1K.

Ker Farking Ching!

Now here's where it gets really confusing, council guidelines state that grass cuttings, tree and shrub prunings, old plants and flowers, hedge clippings, weeds and leaves from residents' own gardens can be put into brown bins.

Needless to say, now that the media have got involved, the council have realised they look like prats and council leader Mike Bird has called for a common sense approach.

Why do councils only remember "commonsense" when they have been under the glare of embarrassing publicity?

It's all bollocks anyway. Some refuse around the country, carefully separated by taxpayers, is simply mixed up again and shipped off to India to be dumped in a landfill.

Councils are perpetrating a money making con on their local taxpayers wrt the rules about waste separation.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

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Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries