Nanny Bans Christians

Nanny's nutters in Birmingham never cease to amaze me. Usually it is the council doing something daft, such as calling Christmas "Wintervall"; now Birmingham University Students' Union, keen not to be left out of Nanny's nonsense, has thrown its hat into the ring.

The Students' Union has frozen the assets of the Evangelical Christian Union, and banned the Christian Union from holding meetings at Birmingham University.

Why?

It seems that the Christian Union has refused membership to non Christians.

Seemingly, in the small world that the Students' Union inhabit, this is discrimination.

Wiser souls might point out that this is just common sense, after all why would a non Christian wish to join a Christian society?

What possible added value to either party would there be from such an occurrence?

Anyhoo, common sense never really plays a part in Nanny's thinking nor in the thinking of her trolls and goblins.

Birmingham University's Student Union Guild has demanded that the Evangelical Christian Union (ECU) amend its constitution to allow people of all faiths to become members and, this is the killer point, sit on its leadership body.

Needless to say the Christians think that this idea is bollocks, and have refused, although I am sure that they put it in a far more polite way!

In retaliation the Students' Union have frozen ECU's assets of £5,500, and blocked it from using student union facilities until it complies.

ECU has been around for 76 years, and has no intention of turning the other cheek (I'm on form today folks!), it has threatened legal action to gain access to its funds ahead of a major religious awareness drive.

Andy Weatherley, a staff worker for the ECU, said:

"Christian unions should be permitted to restrict membership to only those people who profess faith in Jesus Christ.

It is a fundamental right of any organisation to be able to include in its membership only those who abide by the ethos and focus of the organisation.

We believe this to be true for all organisations within the student union, not just religious or ethnic ones."

Pod Bhogal, communications director for the Universities and Colleges Christian Fellowship - an affiliation of Christian societies - said:

"In all our years of working with hundreds of higher education establishments, this action by Birmingham's guild is unique.

It is over-the-top and looks like political correctness gone mad.

We would not dream of telling a Muslim group or a political society how to elect their leaders or who could or could not become a member.

That's entirely a matter to them, based on their own faith principles. The same applies to a Christian Union."

The guild believes that ECU must open its executive positions to people of all faiths.

Another weighty problem that the guild is wrestling with, in respect of ECU, are references in the constitution of ECU to "men" and "women".

Seemingly these references discriminate against transsexuals.

Birmingham University's Student Guild claims that it is merely enforcing the 1994 Education Act, which states student societies have to be open to all.

So why has it taken them 12 years to get round to doing this then?

I suspect that there is more to this than meets the eye.

The good news folks is that one day some of these young men and women (sorry, "persons") will be in positions of power and authority in this country, something to look forward to eh?

Anne's Weakest Link

I don't know what it is about Nanny and Anne Robinson, but they do seem to rub each other up the wrong way.

Maybe it's a personality thing?

Who knows?

Anyhoo, Anne Robinson you may recall had a little run in with Nanny a while back about some alleged anti Welsh comments that she made. Nanny's Welsh police force spent £4K investigating the fact that she called the Welsh "irritating and annoying", on the BBC show Room 101; needless to say that particular investigation came to nowt.

Nanny is never one to give up on a vendetta, and has decided to have another go at Anne. This time Nanny's North Wales Police are assessing a complaint after alleged "anti-Welsh" comments were made during an edition of the BBC's The Weakest Link.

You may recall that this is the same police force that investigated Blairy himself, for allegedly shouting "fucking Welsh" at a TV screen.

It is understood that a viewer, who clearly has nothing better to do in life, complained after contestant Alun Lloyd Jones from Ceredigion was voted off the show.

A fellow contestant told presenter Anne Robinson that Mr Jones was the weakest link because he was Welsh.

The BBC has defended itself, saying all banter was meant to be in good fun and did not linger on Mr Jones being Welsh.

Mr Jones, who runs a village shop and post office and is a Ceredigion councillor, said that he had not complained about the comments himself because The Weakest Link was "tongue in cheek" and he had been expecting some banter.

However, he said he had been unhappy about what had happened.

Quote:

"We're not yet perceived to be a nation in Wales and that along with the comments about me being Welsh stuck in my throat

If I was black, Muslim or gay, I don't think the comments would have been made".

Adding:

"If anti-racism laws are there to protect people from other communities, then they should apply to people in Wales."

I think that Mr Jones is missing a subtle point about life; respect for individuals or groups can only be earned, it cannot be created or enforced by legislation.

However, some "races" appear to be less sensitive than others. The show's producer, Alex McLeod said:

"In the past, Scots have voted off English contestants for being English and so on, but all banter is meant in good fun."

A statement from North Wales police said they had received a complaint about the programme, and were assessing it.

Don't you think that the good people of Wales have a right to expect that their police force spend their time and resources in a more useful and productive manner?

Prats of The Week

Normally my prestigious Prat of the Week Award goes to an individual.

However, I am prepared to make an exception in this case and make a multiple award to Brighton and Hove council.

They are currently insisting that a dead man give notice of his intention to leave sheltered accommodation.

Frank Gajewski died the other week, but his family must keep paying rent, despite clearing the property so that somebody else could use it.

A four-week notice period "is a legal requirement", explained a council spokesman.

Have you noticed how councils seem to only employ narrow minded, braindead, jobsworth bureaucrats?

Well done lads, you are Prats of the Week!

Nanny's Bully Boys

We all know that Nanny is constantly haranguing us about discrimination and bullying in the workplace.

These are behaviour patterns that she simply won't tolerate.

In fact, she is so upset by these lamentable human traits that she has passed a whole raft of laws designed to stamp the problem out. Indeed Nanny is always more than ready to stick her nose into the activities of private companies, when there is the slightest hint of bullying or discrimination.

Now, it seems, that the boot is on the other foot. One of Nanny's own departments has been accused of having an ingrained bullying culture.

How embarrassing!

Can you guess who runs this department?



Yes, that's right, John Prescott - Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward.

The Commons Select Committee on the Orifice (oops, sorry, I meant office!) of the Deputy Prime Minister (ODPM) has ruled that the Smooth Talking Bar Steward must take urgent action, to crack down on bullying and discrimination in his department.

How embarrassing!

Who would have thought that such a mild mannered man, as the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, would have run a department with such an abysmal track record of bullying and discrimination?



According to a survey of staff, 10% of the workers at ODPM said that they had been bullied in the past year, and one in twelve had experienced discrimination.

The survey, carried out last summer by ORC International, also showed that 6% had reported harassment and 22% had witnessed unfair treatment. Black and disabled people were more likely to have faced discrimination than other staff.

Details of the survey were published yesterday, by the Commons Select Committee on the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, as part of its response to John Prescott's annual report and accounts for last year.

Quote:

"The department should take steps immediately to reinforce the message that bullying and intimidation is unacceptable.

It should ensure all staff are confident such reports will be taken seriously."

The culture of companies and departments are a reflection of the "quality" of the leadership and the behaviour of the people at the top, so I think it is very clear who we can blame for this!

The survey went on to show that many staff were unhappy about the lack of leadership, visibility and openness of senior officials at board level.

Quote:

"Only 20% believed the board had been open and honest in communication with staff.

This figure is 20% less than the benchmark for comparable central government surveys."

The committee then went on to further put the boot into Prescott and his useless department, by stating that the ODPM is spinning out of control and that its annual report showed "an unjustifiable presentation of its achievements"; ie the ODPM has an inflated ego, is all mouth and no trousers and is lying.

One example cited of Prescott bullshit was the reporting of efficiency gains totalling £150K per year as "noticeable" progress towards a target of £620M by 2007-2008!

What a bunch of dishonest, useless wankers!

It also seems that the ODPM has been double-counting its resource management.

Quote:

"Through our efforts to secure further information about the real nature and extent of the department's efficiency plans,

we were able to establish that there is an overlap between two reported efficiency targets."

Needless to say, in keeping with the character of the man, the Smooth Talking Bar Steward has never deigned to appear before the committee; he claimed that he was busy with Britain's presidency of the EU.

We all know that was a useless waste of 6 months, but at least we now know who to blame for it!

The committee then decided to have a go at the ODPM's ability to deal effectively with other departments.

I like this committee, a rare example of a cross party group of MPs united in trying to improve something.

Quote:

"Stronger leadership and greater clarity about the importance of this objective will help the department win its case."

The ODPM was specially created by Nanny as a sop to keep the Smooth Talking Bar Steward happy. It now employs over 6000 people, and claims to be involved in every aspect of life of this country.

Its motto:

"Creating sustainable communities"

sounds very nice.

Yet no one knows what that means, I certainly have no idea what the ODPM is meant to do, indeed the survey of staff revealed that a staggering 40% of the ODPM staff did not understand what they were meant to be doing either.

Just think abou that for minute or two, 40% of the staff don't know what they are meant to be doing! That is disgusting, our money is being poured into this pile of shit and they don't even know what they are there for!

If anyone actually knows what the ODPM is actually on this planet for, please can they enlighten the rest of us; indeed please can you also enlighten the ODPM, via this email address enquiryodpm@odpm.gsi.gov.uk

In the meantime, I am sure that I don't need to remind you that my fine range of T shirts, thongs and coffee mugs bearing the face of our beloved and competent Deputy PM are on sale via this link Bollocks To The Bar Steward.

Nanny Bans Haggis

Last night was Burn's Night, the traditional time when all good Scots and those who love Scotland eat that particularly fine dish - haggis.

However, as we all know, Nanny is a spoil sport; she hates to see people enjoying themselves, and will do anything she can to put a stop to our simple pleasures.

Needless to say she heartily disapproves of haggis.

Nanny's trolls and goblins in the Scottish Executive have issued a nutritional edict, to schools and nurseries for children under five.

These nutritional guidelines have warned schools that haggis has a fat content of up to 20%, and sometimes a high salt content as well.

Ooh, scary!

This in Nanny's eyes makes haggis as evil as burgers and hot dogs in its nutritional content and, according to the Executive, should only be served to youngsters once a week.

Nanny's trolls went on to say that it was as bad for you as twizzlers and fizzy drinks.

Utter bollocks!

Needless to say, the move angered producers of the Scottish delicacy; who say it is far healthier than the other foods on the restricted list.

Exactly!

Alan Pirie of James Pirie and Son, Scottish haggis masters, said:

"With good turnips and potatoes, there's nothing more nutritious than haggis.

It's made of all natural ingredients - there's no rubbish in it at all.

To compare it with processed meat like chicken nuggets or hot dogs is just ridiculous."

Nanny should remember that one particularly popular dish in Scotland is the deep fried Mars bar.

So let's be serious here folks, what is worse?

A deep fried Mars bar, or a haggis?

As usual Nanny forgets to engage that part of her brain that regulates common sense.

Freedom of Speech

My compliments to Sir Iqbal Sacranie, the leader of the Muslim Council of Britain, who has managed to persuade Nanny that his comments on Radio 4; in which he accused gay people of spreading disease, and described civil partnerships as "harmful", were all in the best possible taste and not deserving of prosecution.

Sir Iqbal Sacranie said:

"It does not augur well in building the very foundations of society, stability, family relationships

And it is something we would certainly not, in any form, encourage the community to be involved in.

Each of our faiths tells us that it is harmful.

I think,

if you look into the scientific evidence that has been available in terms of the forms of various other illnesses and diseases that are there,

surely it points out that where homosexuality is practised there is a greater concern in that area."

These comments drew a protest from some listeners, and the Metropolitan Police launched an inquiry.

However, the police now say that they will not be charging Sir Iqbal.

The Muslim Council of Britain even said that it did not understand why their leader was being investigated.

"To be honest,

we thought it somewhat surprised when we heard that Sir Iqbal was being investigated by the police

for merely articulating the mainstream Islamic viewpoint about homosexuality."

That speaks volumes about their understanding of modern Britain!

As if by coincidence, Sir Ian Blair The Metropolitan Police Commissioner has decided to end costly police inquiries into supposedly politically incorrect views voiced on radio and TV.

Current rules compel police to investigate complaints, but officers are said to be exasperated because they have to treat all of them as potential 'hate' crimes.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said:

"Where complaints are made to police about allegedly discriminatory language,

we have a duty to review what has been said

to ensure that the law has not been broken

and to refer the matter to the Crown Prosecution Service for a decision when necessary.

However, in the light of recent complaints generated by comments broadcast in the media,

the Commissioner has asked for a review to examine where the boundary lies between freedom of speech in a democratic society

and the appropriate police response and action to deal with formal complaints alleging the law has been broken.

It will not influence police action in relation to any cases already being looked into. Some cases will always justify investigation by police."

Now the question is, when a gay (or for that matter straight) person makes a public criticism of Islam; will Nanny, the police and the Muslim Council of Britain be so understanding and tolerant?

Tasers On Stun

As we all know, Nanny is always on the look out for new gadgets to help improve her methods of policing and population control.

One rather useful gadget that she has added to her arsenal, in recent years, is the taser. This is a hand gun carried by some police officers that delivers a hefty electrical shock, enough to render the recipient paralysed for a few minutes.

Now, as with all of these gadgets, there have been concerns about how they are being used. As such Nanny has decided that it may be useful to fit cameras to tasers, so that their use can be justified.

Not a bad idea, in my view. However, there is something far more useful that Nanny should be doing with her camera/taser technology.

As you are doubtless aware, Britain has the highest number of CCTV cameras in the civilised world; we are the most watched, and photographed, people on the planet.

Proud of that?

Yet, ask yourselves this, has this excessive level of monitoring reduced the crime statistics?

Do you feel safer, as a result of being monitored?

No!

The reason?

The cameras are there to aid the police improve their post crime detection rates, they are not there to prevent crime.

Take the recent savage murder, by vicious scumbags, of Rhys Pryce just less than 100 yards away from his home in north west London.

Hew was left dying on the pavement after being stabbed in the head, torso and hands by two mindless vermin.

It seems that these two pieces of human shit had already perpetrated a crime, less than 30 minutes earlier. They had been filmed on CCTV mugging an Asian man, who was standing alone at an underground station.

Now had someone intervened then, and helped the mugging victim, the second crime would not have been committed.

Yet, despite the mugging victim's obvious distress and the fact that the CCTV witnessed the entire mugging from start to finish, not a single person from Nanny's crew of "watchers" came to assist.

You see, these cameras really aren't designed to prevent crime at all.

Instead of fixing cameras to tasers, Nanny should be fixing tasers to cameras. That way, the vermin who were mugging their victim that night would have received a healthy high voltage dose that would have knocked them out long enough for their stunned corpses to be scrapped off the floor.

Had that have happened, Rhys Price would be alive now.

However, Nanny is only ever interested in looking after her own back not protecting the rest of us.

Nanny's Stealthy DNA Database

The funny old thing about Nanny is that if she can't achieve her objectives openly, she then carries on in secret.

You see, she is no lover of democracy; she firmly believes that she is right in all matters, and that those who disagree with her are wrong.

Now it seems that she has been up to naughty business again. This time she has been collecting the DNA profiles of 24,000 juveniles who have never been cautioned, charged or convicted of an offence.

Some 7% of the population are expected to be stored on her DNA register by 2008.

Grant Shapps MP, who represents Welwyn Hatfield, will launch a campaign this week to get the juveniles' details erased from records.

Quote:

"This is just a question of building a database by stealth, by the back door. "

As Nanny's Home Office spokesman helpfully observed, there are no rules governing the minimum age for taking a DNA sample from someone who has been arrested.

In other words, Nanny can do what she bloody well likes!

In April 2004 the law was changed so that samples could be kept from people who had been acquitted of any crime, or who had been arrested for a recordable offence but never charged.

Grant Shapps obtained the Home Office figures, after a constituent's son was wrongly arrested in a case of mistaken identity and DNA taken.

He said:

"What they (the Government) are trying to do is build a database by stealth.

I challenge the Government to come forward and come clean on this."

He added:

"If the Government wants to build a DNA database of the entire population, starting with kids

bring forward proposals, pass it through parliament and have a debate.

I don't think it is right to bring it through the back door, by stealth."

After protests about his constituency case, the local chief constable agreed to remove the teenager's details; that's very nice of him!

Doesn't it strike you as highly unpleasant, and worrying, that the chief constable needed to be persuaded to remove the details?

However, Mr Shapps subsequently discovered that 750,000 children were in the system.

Further investigation revealed that some 24,000 youngsters aged 10 to 18 were on the database, "and shouldn't be".

He said:

"They are certainly all cases of kids picked up and never charged or even cautioned for anything

So it is hard to see why the details should be kept on the database.

They are innocent children, basically."

The reason is simple, Nanny wants to build a national database of everyone. She knows that we, the people, would never trust her to use the database wisely, so she is building it by stealth.

You can be sure that the NHS is also providing DNA samples for Nanny to store.

Mr Shapps will launch a campaign this week - Children Off the National DNA Database - to get details erased from records.

He said a change in the law, in April 2004, means police can take information without asking permission from parents.

Other changes mean samples can be kept from people who have been acquitted of any crime, or who have been arrested for a recordable offence but never charged.

As Shami Chakrabarti, director of human rights group Liberty, said

"This is the Prime Minister's vision of criminal justice

- which is guilt determined by police officers, rather than the courts."

One thing that we, as a nation, should be "proud" of; Britain now has the world's largest DNA database with over 3 million people (5% - if you believe Nanny's figures) on it, Austria (the second largest) only covers 1% of its population.

Proud of that?

Nanny Bans Trilbys

It seems that we have all been living in the Nanny state for so long now, that some of us are now even beginning to behave like Nanny.

That certainly would seem to be the case when looking at the behaviour of the staff at the Monument Pub in Hereford, part of the Greene King pub chain.

Colin Osborne, a trilby wearing great-grandfather, was happily going for drink there when he was ordered to remove his hat by Nanny's trolls who are working behind the bar.

His crime?

The hat obscured his face from CCTV cameras.

Pub chain Greene King has introduced the policy for security reasons. It applies to all hats and hooded tops.

Mr Osborne said:

"I was an elderly man having a non-alcoholic drink but I was told there are no exceptions."

He added:

"When I started as a journalist it used to be de-facto to have a belted coat and a trilby and in those days I had both."

"I was annoyed, I was put out and I was surprised. I couldn't understand why my poor old trilby should offend anyone."

Nanny's manager explained to him it was a pub rule, to enable CCTV cameras recording any incident in the pub to see people's faces.

Mr Osborne quite rightly noted that there is a world of difference between an elderly man and a scum bag thug.

Quote:

"But on the other hand I think pubs and breweries should ask themselves who is under the hat

individuality must retain some significance

even in this nanny state in which we live."

Adam Collett, marketing director at Greene King, issued this bland and contradictory statement:

"CCTV is sensible and welcomed by customers, residents and licensing authorities alike.

To make it useful we do have to ask all customers to remove their hats, but of course we have sensitivity to individual needs.

In order to remain consistent and fair

we ask all customers to observe this policy (editor's note: this sentence contradicts the previous one).

Generally this policy has been welcomed at the Monument and our customers have cooperated with us."

In other words, they don't give a fuck!

The trouble with the Nanny state is that it has conditioned us to accept petty rules and regulations without question, and to apply them 100% without using common sense.

Now I own a particularly stylish fedora, I wonder what Nanny would make of that?

Overpromotion

As you know, Nanny has implemented many laws to ensure that people cannot be discriminated against and held back in their jobs as a result of race, religion, ability or sex.

These laws all work to ensure that, where the playing field is perceived by some to be uneven, it is "flattened" out.

However, even Nanny cannot think of everything; which is what Sgt Leslie Turner (the first black personal protection officer to guard the royal family) found to his cost.

You see it seems that Sgt Turner realised that he had in fact been "positively discriminated against", and "overpromoted" to the position of body guard to the Duchess of Cornwall.

Needless to say, on realising this, he sued Scotland Yard and has allegedly won around £40K in compensation for racial discrimination in an out of court settlement.

His representatives argued he had been awarded the prestigious job as Camilla's bodyguard only because he was black.

It was claimed that as a result of being over-promoted, and not receiving proper training and support, Sgt Turner made mistakes which led to him being re-assigned.

A cynic might argue that everyone makes mistakes when placed in a new job or company. Mistakes are part of the learning process.

Colleagues of Sgt Turner, said that he is a "model professional" who had a good relationship with Prince Charles and Camilla.

He began guarding Charles in August 2004, and was re-assigned to Camilla in February last year when the royal couple were engaged.

But in June 2005, it emerged he had suddenly been replaced.

Royal insiders stress that the decision to move him was not taken directly by Clarence House. However, they concede that the race row is extremely embarrassing for Charles and Camilla.

Had Sgt Turner's case reached a tribunal, potentially embarrassing secrets about Charles and Camilla's lives may have been aired.

A cynic might suggest that this is the real reason that Scotland Yard settled out of court.

Now...I am a 43 year old white, atheist, male, heterosexual, able bodied, homeowner; can anyone tell me who I may make a discrimination claim against?

The Joy of Pork

We are all very familiar with Nanny's daily rants about the food that we eat, and the fat content of that food.

Sometimes you wonder if she had some sort of terrible experience as a child with a knob of butter, or a tub of cream.

Anyhoo, I for one believe in fighting back; and did so last night, in the best way possible.

I dined at my club, The East India Club, and partook of their most excellent roast pork carved from the trolley.

I had six large slices, with extra fat; followed by two Irish coffees.

Now Nanny would tell you that all of that is very bad for you, as it will clog up your arteries.

Utter bollocks!

The body is like the engine of a car, if it is not well lubricated it will seize up.

It stands to reason that if you increase the fat content of your diet, like the oil in the engine of a car, the blood will flow more smoothly and the heart beat easier.

I would also point out, that despite the truly heroic quantities of booze that I consumed last night, I have no hangover.

Further proof of the restorative powers of pork!

Have no fear ladies and gentlemen:

Fat is good!

Pork is good!

NB. The author of this blog is not a registered medical practitioner, and is not licensed to dispense medical advice. Anybody acting on the above post does so at their own risk etc etc

Those of you who fancy a bit of pork tonight should read the recipes in "Accountants Can Cook" (see right hand menu). There are two fine recipes there for roast pork with stuffing, and pigs' trotters...YUM!

Nanny Bans British Poetry

Educahsun! Educashun! Educashun!

That is what Nanny would have us believe is her prime mission in life.

Fair enough, you might say. However, as with everything that Nanny does, it has to be on her terms.

Nanny loves to stick her nasty old nose into all matters, no matter how large or small. In this particular case she has started to poke around the very minutiae of the reading curriculum.

Nanny did not like what she found in Poets' Corner.

She was aghast to find that some schools were encouraging their pupils to read poetry written by Englishmen and women.

That simply cannot be allowed to continue.

Why is that then?

Well you see folks, the English language is a difficult beast to master; and simply put, some of Nanny's charges are having a little trouble speaking it as it should be spoke.

Now, some of you might suggest that these children should be given more intensive training in order to master what, I for one thought anyway, is the mother tongue and common language of our country.

After all, if you can't speak the language of the country that you live in and don't try or want to learn it, what hope have you?

I was wrong, Nanny knows that the easiest way to meet her educashun targets is to make the targets easier.

Aha!

Therefore she has decided to get rid of all those nasty difficult English poets, and other well known writers such as Orwell (we all know why Nanny doesn't like Orwell, don't we children?), and replace them with lightweight offerings from abroad.

The OCR exam board English literature course continues to study "War Poetry" but, instead of focusing on Wilfred Owen, Rupert Brooke and Siegfried Sassoon, nearly half the poems on the syllabus are written by unknowns.

Nanny claims that the idea is to try to give the feeling from the "home front", so instead of Owen's Anthem for Doomed Youth children now read poems by Katharine Tynan Hinkson and Winifred M Letts...who?

Quote:

"There they go marching all in step so gay!"

Grabs at the heart strings, doesn't it?

Ugh!

One third of OCR's English GCSE course is now devoted not to an appreciation of classic English writing, eg George Orwell, but to "different cultures".

Seminal (can I say seminal?) works such as; The Gold-Legged Frog by Khamsing Srinawk (according to OCR, a "national artist of literature in Thailand"), and Feng Ji-cai (The Tall Woman and her Short Husband, set in China) now clutter the already confused minds of the pupils.

Andrew Cunningham, a teacher, claims that a nearby comprehensive asks that the poems and stories in its GCSE syllabus only mainly should have been written in English. Some poems may not even be the originals, but translations!

The syllabus now contains such masterpieces as; John Agard's Half-Caste, written in Caribbean dialect, Tatamkhulu Afrika's Nothing's Changed, Nissim Ezekiel's Night of the Scorpion and Moniza Alvi's Presents from My Aunts in Pakistan.

Edexcel, the other main exam board, also likes Presents from my Aunts in Pakistan. There is now, in fact, a collection of internet sites offering pre-written essays on it.

Quote:

"She is from India, but has been forced to speak English."

Nanny is destroying our cultural heritage, on the Nazi like bonfire of multi-culturism.

How To Reduce Your Council Tax Bill - II

It does seem that poor old John Prescott, Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward, has more than a little trouble with his council tax.

As noted earlier on this site, he managed to "forget" to pay tax on one of his properties (I do hope that his many Jaguars are fully taxed!); now it seems he is in hot water over his other properties.

Sad to be so burdened with so many properties!

Anyhoo, the Smooth Talking Bar Steward is now under pressure to reveal whether he has reclaimed the cost of the council tax on his family home in Hull.

The Bar Steward has presided over a 76% increase in council tax since Nanny came to office, during this time he had managed not to pay council tax since 1997 on his official London residence.

This being the Nanny state, when one person can't/won't pay the poor old taxpayer is left to foot the bill. In this particular case, it means that we have forked out almost £4K for the Bar Steward's £2.3m apartment in Admiralty House.

Now one small point there, before I go on, £4K over 9 years?

Doesn't that seem a little on the low side?

Is it possible, I wonder, if the dear old Bar Steward's house has been put in the wrong tax valuation band?

I know my humble property in Croydon, approximately 10 times less in value than the Bar Steward's, attracts a council tax of over £1K per year..something smells there.

Anyhoo, other questions are now being raised, eg about the tax he pays for the benefit in kind he enjoys from living in a government-owned flat in central London. One tax accountant suggested he should pay £46K a year.

Additionally, the situation with his family home is still not clear. The Bar Steward has claimed that he had been paying council tax on his Hull constituency home, an eight-bedroom turreted residence on the outskirts of the city.

Officials insist that the tax has been paid at the "full rate", not at the discounted second-home rate, but they refuse to say whether he subsequently claims the money back as a "parliamentary expense". If Prescott's house is in Hull city council's top band, it will be liable for council tax at £2,285.

The Bar Steward also has the use of an official country residence, Dorneywood in Buckinghamshire, the council tax for which is paid by the charitable trust that looks after the house.

Some of you may feel that the Bar Steward is being allowed to get away with murder (as it were).

However, in Nanny's Britain, Nanny doesn't give a fuck for you or I. Nanny will take whatever she can get away with.

Don't forget to buy the Bollocks To The Bar Steward T shirts folks. The revnue earned will pay my council tax!

Is Your Horse Gay? - II

Those of you with long memories may recall the story I published, last June, about Sam Brown and the police horse.

One night in May Sam Brown, a student celebrating the end of his finals at Oxford, happened upon a mounted police officer.

For reasons best known to himself, he asked as to whether the horse was gay.

Being a good student, when not receiving a satisfactory answer, he repeated the question a few times.

The police were not amused, and despite trying to apologise Brown found himself "nicked" for making homophobic comments. The full story can be read on "Is Your Horse Gay?"

Anyhoo, last week Sam had his day in court; can you believe that Nanny tried to prosecute him for this?

Needless to say, the magistrates thought that the case was utter bollocks and threw it out. Seemingly there was not enough evidence to prove that Mr Brown was disorderly.

Nanny, of course, refuses to admit that she was wrong. Thames Valley police reiterated that he made "homophobic comments".

The horse was unavailable for comment.

How To Reduce Your Council Tax Bill

Worried about your council tax bill?

Want to cut your costs?

Well no need to worry anymore!

"Honest" John, Nanny's Smooth talking Bar Steward, takes the worry out of paying your council tax bill the Nanny way.

What's the secret?

Simple, become Deputy Prime Minister and get the taxpayers to cover your bill.

If anyone queries this arrangement, just tell then that you didn't know.

Nice one John!

Nanny Bans Knitting Needles

When I was a little kid, pre school, I used to be dragged off by mother to the shops from time to time.

One of her regular stops would be a knitting shop, which was bulging to the seams with brightly coloured yarns and a vast array of fearsome knitting needles.

Now at this stage, I guess you think that I am going to engage in some misty eyed self indulgent reminiscences about my childhood and the simple pleasure that I took in looking at the colours of the yarns etc.

Er no!

I found the whole experience totally tedious, and wished only instead to be at home watching Top Cat.

Sorry folks!

Anyhoo, tempus fugit, now the knitting shop is long since closed (although I can still watch Top Cat on Cartoon Network) and my mother can only buy her knitting needles from charity shops these days.

At least that was the case until Nanny, not much of a knitter (more of a nit...Ha!Ha!), came along and stuck her hooter (for the benefit of my American audience hooter=nose not booby) into it.

It seems that Nanny has decreed that knitting needles are in fact dangerous, and has therefore placed them on a list of proscribed products that cannot be sold at charity shops.

This was highlighted on Radio 4's You and Yours last year and is still happening, that is at least according to one of my trusted sources.

If you want knitting needles, you have to find an assistant and ask if they have any for sale "on the sly", much like you would buy beef on the bone a few years ago (which I did regularly during the mad cow scare).

Other proscribed items include; gas appliances, oil heaters, riding hats, glasses, ear rings etc

I normally don't bother putting links in, but the report is a hoot so here it is knitting needles ban.

We truly live in a very odd country indeed!

Wakey Wakey!

I am pleased to see that Nanny is going to get tough on anti social scum.

One of her "solutions" to anti social behaviour, in her new "respect" agenda, is to train scum to get up early in the morning.

These "how to get out of bed" lessons will of course be paid for by us.

Yes that will work won't it?

Why not just lock all the scum up in a 1950's version of Butlins for the rest of their miserable lives?

Views anyone?

The Dangers of Fruit

Nanny is a strange and tormented old soul. On the one hand she berates us for our poor diet of chips, burgers and pizzas; whilst imploring us to eat 5 portions of fruit and veg a day.

Yet, on the other hand, she has now decided that fruit presents a clear and present danger to our health.

It seems that Nanny's trolls and goblins in Scotland who work in some of her "educahsional" establishments there, are worried about the threat that free fruit given to their pupils poses to their delicate charges.

It seems that the danger lies not with the flesh, but with the pips. A recent study, carried out for the Executive by the Scottish Centre for Social Research, identified an underswell of worry and concern about the dangers of fruits.

One respondent said:

"We tend not to use stone fruits because of the safety issues. Orange pips fall into that category."

Many of the school staff who responded to the study said that their specific safety concern was fruit stones.

As well as worrying that the delicate and fragile creatures that they attempt to teach would choke to death, some teachers were concerned that they could slip over on dropped fruit, or be allergic to it.

A spokesman for the Executive said that the children were still receiving free fruit, whether it had pips in or not.

"It is up to individual schools what fruit is served. The important thing is that children eat it."

According to the report, 14% of respondents had some fears over health and safety issues. Most worrying were the hygiene aspects of preparing, storing and handling the fruit.

Mankind has managed to survive and flourish for the last 150K years or so, quite happily side by side with fruit.

Why, may I ask, do we now need to fear fruit?

A crucial part of growing up is about learning how to handle accidents and mishaps. Children who are wrapped in cotton wool grow into immature pathetic adults who are incapable of looking after themselves, and who rely on the state for every little thing.

It seems that the real threat to the health and safety of the children comes not from the fruit, but from the brain dead trolls who work in some of Nanny's schools.

At The Circus

Nanny has always had a penchant for seeking publicity, and has rather an affinity for showbusiness and the sort of people who inhabit that world.

Therefore it should come as no surprise to learn that Nanny is now sticking her nose into the world of circuses.

Nanny's new public entertainment licensing laws came into effect in November, you know... the ones that gave us 24 drinking, and are threatening to have a negative impact on the world of sawdust and the big top.

John Roberts, co-owner of Robert Brothers Famous Circus, was forced to delay the opening of his traditional Christmas spectacular in Milton Keynes because one of the seven bundles of documents he had been asked to submit to the council to obtain a public entertainment licence failed to arrive in time.

This was despite beginning negotiations in September, and setting aside seven days for meetings with council officers.

Roberts is quoted as saying:

"It was incredibly time consuming.

In the end we got the licence but the thought of having to do that in every one of the 35 towns we will be visiting next year is very worrying."

Robert Brothers aren't the only show to be adversely affected by Nanny. The European Entertainment Corporation (EEC)...jokes about the EEC and clowns should be submitted in triplicate..., the largest circus operator in the UK, has decided not to put Cottle & Austin's Electric Circus on the road next year partly because of the expense of having to file separate licence applications with every local authority on a packed tour schedule.

Instead, the EEC will concentrate on moneyspinners like the Chinese and Moscow State Circus.

Nanny of course does not just interfere with circuses.

Punch and Judy artists now must take out £200 adverts before they pitch their booths on the beach, music venues must install expensive soundproofing and samba musicians have to apply for the correct £600 permit in order to perform at carnivals and street festivals

Mick Pycke, a member of the UK Samba Association and director of Bloco do Sul samba group based in Dorking, said:

"It's the low season for us now but come the spring and summer it's going to be chaos.

Most samba bands charge about £600 for a performance, which is the same as the cost of a licence".

David Locke, who owns La Brocca, a restaurant in West Hampstead, stopped advertising jazz last month because he has to apply for a formal public entertainment licence from the local authority, which would be too expensive.

Quote:

"Camden council told me my bar was unsuitable for live music and that if I wanted a licence I'd have to install soundproofing.

It just isn't viable. Jazz is a philanthropic thing - it doesn't make me money."

You see folks, these new laws all came in with the Licensing rules in November. The media and politicians only focused on the 24 hour drinking part.

In fact the regulations require every small-scale entertainer, from folk musicians to street artists to charity carollers, to obtain a public entertainment licence before putting on a paid-for performance.

The only exemptions are for morris dancing (quite!), travelling fairgrounds and garden fetes.

Needless to say, Nanny's chums in the Department for Culture, Media and Sport claim that the law would actually provide "increased opportunities for musicians and other entertainers".

Bollocks!

What Nanny can't control, she bans.

Nanny is in effect emulating the Puritans of the 17th century, who closed theatres and places of entertainment.

The British people had the good sense to get rid of them, I am more than sure that we will do the same now with the current bunch of "clowns" running the country.

The Financial Power List 2006

I am sure that you will be as amused as I am to read that Accountancy Age have placed me on their Financial Power List for 2006.

I am 11th on their list of the top 50 of "The Ones To Watch". The list identifies the "most influential names to look out for" in the world of finance for 2006.

I stand shoulder to shoulder with such illustrious names as:

-Dave Hartnett HMRC Director (1st)
-Gordon Brown (6th)
-Eric Anstee CEO of the ICAEW (joint 11th)
-Sir Christopher Hogg Chairman of the Financial Reporting Council (17th)

Quote:

"Frost, whose idiosyncratic blogs lit up 2005 when pooh-poohing ICAEW strategy, is expected to carry on with added zeal in 2006".

They aren't wrong there!

Despite this achievement, Nanny has not given me a knighthood in the New Year's honours!

Nanny Bans Smoking

Nanny has started the New Year as she means to go on, by getting a little bit above herself.

NHS patients in the Ashfield and Mansfield districts of Nottinghamshire are to be banned from smoking in their own homes, if they are due a visit from a careworker.

Nanny has ruled that when a patient refuses to obey her instructions, the visit will have to take place on neutral premises.

Under Nanny's new rules, healthcare workers can ask a patient to stop smoking when they enter their home. Failure to comply will mean that the patient will have to go to an alternative venue for treatment.

Barbara Brady, Nanny's senior public health manager who produced the policy, said:

"If a patient or a family member is smoking during a home visit, NHS staff may be subjected to environmental tobacco smoke through passive smoking or secondhand smoking.

Tobacco smoke contains over 4,000 chemicals

in the form of particles and gases and some of the immediate effects of passive smoking include eye irritation, headache, cough, sore throat, dizziness and nausea."

Nanny also plans to ban healthworkers from smoking in their cars, if they use the vehicle during their work.

How the hell will Nanny enforce that one then?

In Scotland Nanny will send smokers a letter asking them not to light up for one hour before a council worker or health worker calls round.

In Scotland, Nanny will produce a map identifying where smokers live.

Doesn't this all sound rather Orwellian?

The instructions that Nanny has produced, covering the creation of this list, are a work of art in themselves:

"Does your organisation know which of the homes visited by its staff are occupied by smokers?

If not, it would be advisable to develop such a list.

Once the situation relating to individual properties is ascertained, steps can be taken to reduce the exposure the staff might face."

The smokers on Nanny's map would then be sent letters asking them not to smoke for one hour before a council worker or health worker called round.

Public bodies have also been advised to use the map to ensure that any workers who suffer from breathing problems are kept away from the homes of smokers.

This is going to cost a hell of a lot of money.

What about Nanny compiling other lists and maps?

-Those who eat too much fat?

-Those who drink?

The possibilities are endless!

Best Before Dates - Pah!

Last night I ate a fine plate of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, accompanied by some excellent grated horseradish.

The horseradish came from a jar marked "best before January 1993".

I am suffering no ill effects.

Is this a record?

Here's Johnny II

Following on from yesterday's article about The Smooth Talking Bar Steward's plans to use spy satellites to aid his council tax rebanding, I would like to thank those of you who made the very valid point that council tax bandings should be reduced where people have to live next door to squalor and decay.

Today I sent the following email to the Bar Steward's Office.

"Dear Mr Prescott

I read with interest recent reports of your department's proposals to improve data collection for the forthcoming rebanding of the council tax, by using spy satellites.

I note that where the satellites show improvements to properties,

the tax banding will be uplifted.

May I take it that where the satellites show images of squalor and decay;

eg derelict buildings, car parks, waste land and landfills those hapless residents who have to live beside these carbuncles will have their council tax banding reduced?

In order to help you save time, I have prepared an extensive database of pictures of the decay and squalor that is eroding the centre of my own town of Croydon.

The database of pictures can be viewed on www.croydoniscrap.com

It is heartening to know that this April,

the long suffering citizens of Croydon will be able to "reward" the council for their

mismanagement and neglect

by voting them out of office.

Notwithstanding that, I look forward to seeing my own council tax banding reduced;

by way of recompense for this shameful neglect and mismanagement

Kind regards

Ken Frost

www.nannyknowsbest.com"

Those of you who wish to write to The Smooth Talking Bar Steward, can contact him at this address enquiryodpm@odpm.gsi.gov.uk

Remember, you can buy the world famous "Bollocks To The Bar Steward" T shirts at www.cafepress.com/barsteward

Here's Johnny!

At this time of year, as the tinsel and the tree begins to droop, we all need a little something to cheer us up.

That's why God created the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, Nanny's special little court jester.

Dear old John has seen our torpor and depression, and decided to cheer us all up with his special little scheme for keeping council tax records up to date.

The Smooth Talking Bar Steward has advised council tax inspectors to use "spy in the sky" satellite cameras to snoop on people's homes; to see if they have added extensions, conservatories and sheds that could boost the value of their property.

Dear old John plans to use these pictures as part of his revaluation of homes across England.

Country homes will be at particular risk from the technology. According to an official handbook for inspectors:

"Aerial photographs are particularly effective in rural areas where improvements are hard to see from the road."

Thanks John, that really cheered us all up!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

I hope that you all overdid it during the festive period.

I know that I did!

Ken