Radio Merseyside

Those of you with 5 mins to spare this morning may like to go to:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/radiomerseyside/

And click on the link "listen live".

I will be on Radio Merseyside for 3 mins, probably between 11:30-12:00 in a pre recorded phone interview about www.nannyknowsbest.com

I cannot vouch for the quality of my interview technique, or the sound, as it was done without preparation of any kind.

Ken

Labour Sleaze

Dear All

There is a problem at the moment with the daatabase of www.laboursleaze.com, it has not been possible to access the site for the last 12 hours.

It is quite possible that a friend of Nanny has tried to disable it.

Sorry for this, normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Ken

Nanny Bans Sing-Alongs

I have been tipped off by a visitor, James, that Nanny has banned a group of pensioners from holding their regular weekly sing-along.

Their offence, so it seems, is that the sing-along in the eyes of the council counts as Karaoke; for which you need a licence!

I have tried to find a written article about this, giving more details, unfortunately I cannot.

If anyone can point me in the right direction, I would be very grateful.

Thanks.

Nanny Bans Snowballs

I am hardly surprised to hear the latest story about Nanny's interference in a centuries old custom.

This time she has stuck her unwelcome nose into the simple pastime of snowball fights. Seemingly, she believes that they pose a "clear and present danger" (just like the threat from terrorism) to our society.

Nanny's acolytes in County Durham have placed a "snowball exclusion order" over the entire area, banning school children from snowball fights whilst on school premises.

Needless to say some children disobeyed Nanny's rules, good for them, and were promptly banned from school!

I really wonder how it is that Nanny finds time to think about, and legislate on, such trivia.

Common sense dictates that snowball fighting is a far maore healthy activity for children, than sitting inside watching the TV or playing PC games.

What a sorry state we have come to!

Nanny Bans Easter Eggs

Nanny, as we all know, has a rather "anally retentive" nature. She has a need to be in control at all times; anything that threatens her control, she takes to be direct personal threat.

Such is the case with Easter eggs.

Easter eggs Ken? I hear you ejaculate (no, don't snigger, not that sort of ejaculation!).

Yes Easter eggs.

It seems that Nanny's acolytes in the Wirral have decided to put the "mockers" on the traditional Wirral Easter Egg Run, this is one of Merseyside's biggest charity events.

The Run, which has grown in popularity over the years, is simple in concept. Around 5000 bikers tour Wirral, delivering gifts to sick children; thousands of spectators line the streets.

It sets off from New Brighton and ends at Clatterbridge hospital, where the riders hand out chocolate goodies to the children.

Seemingly the Easter Egg Run, which is enjoyed by all except Nanny, is a threat to health and safety.

The hapless organisers of the run have, reportedly, been in discussions with Nanny's council and police officials in a bid to keep it going; but to no avail.

The committee has finally had to give up, they claim that public safety chiefs have been "moving the goalposts".

Former committee press officer Matt Rose said:

"Members of the committee have met with representatives of the police and council on numerous occasions over the last eight months and, unfortunately, have met with a generally unhelpful attitude - particularly from senior officers..Each time organisers have met police and council officials the goalposts seem to move in terms of what is required."

He added:

"As a result of these problems, we as a committee, feel that our only option is to resign as organisers of the Wirral Egg Run."

Nanny's chums in Merseyside police and Wirral council are fearful of an unofficial event, that's what happens Nanny when you act like a prat, they have issued a joint statement urging bikers to stay away.

Despite the alleged threat to health and safety, I understand that the event has not had one recorded injury.

But Nanny doesn't care about facts, just about "anal control".

Nanny Bans Italics

Nanny has managed to hoist herself on her own petard, how sad!

In 1995 the Disability Discrimination Act was passed. This act was designed to ensure that those people with disabilities were not unfairly discriminated against.

The spirit and the terms of the legislation were good. However, those that drafted it did not take into account the sheer stupidity and thickheadedness of Nanny's acolytes.

Nanny's jobsworth acolytes have started to act on the very letter of this law, rather than use their common sense when interpreting it.

The Metropolitan Police found itself in breach of Nanny's new interpretation only recently. The police's logo:

"Working for a safer London"

Had to be changed to:

"Working for a safer London"

Now do you see the subtle difference?

Yes that's right; the first is in italics, the second is not.

Why change?

Simple, according to Nanny's lackeys, italics are a form of discrimination against the visually impaired.

Nice to see the police spend time and money on the important things isn't it?

Anyhoo, it seems that Nanny's much derided party political slogan "Britain Forward, Not Back" is also in breach of Nanny's strict interpretation of the act.

If you would like to tell her that she is breaking her own law, please write to Nanny at The No 10 Bunker.

Nanny Bans Obesity

I suppose that it was only a matter of time before Nanny overstepped the mark, in respect of regulating people's eating habits, yet I am still shocked that Nanny has done this.

Having lectured us for years now about our lifestyles, and what we eat, Nanny has become exasperated about the fact that we don't listed to her.

She has decided that firm action must be taken, in order to instill some "discipline" into the nursery (that phrase will generate me some interesting search engine hits!).

To this end she has decreed that it is now illegal to be obese; and that those people who she deems to be obese will be arrested, for there own "wellbeing".

Nanny's chums in East Sussex Council needed no further bidding, they rushed off into the street and arrested the first obese person they could find.

They found their victim, Chris Leppard, by watching a documentary on TV; in it Mr Leppard, who weighs 31 stone, discussed his condition.

Now Nanny's lackeys in the council thought that they could get away with this, by "sectioning" Mr Leppard for "his own good".

However, Mr Leppard is not mentally ill; he suffers from suffers from Prader-Willi Syndrome, which means that he cannot tell when he is full.

Having spent 7 days in an eating disorder unit, "for his own good", he was discharged.

Mr Leppard is, quite rightly, well "pissed off" with this treatment and is reportedly going to sue the council.

I seem to recall similar "treatments" being "offered" to people in Soviet Russia who did not follow the "party line".

I wonder how long it will take Nanny to start that little game here?

This story neatly illustrates how intolerant, and narrow minded, Nanny and her lackeys are; they cannot accept, or tolerate, people acting or thinking independently.

This site offers Mr Leppard every success with his case, we hope that he sues the council into bankruptcy.

Nanny Bans Saint George

Those of you who bedeck your houses with the Cross of St George on St George's Day, April 23rd, may well be advised to avoid the People's Republic of Hounslow this year.

Seemingly Nanny's friends in the council there have decided that St George, Patron Saint of England, is socially divisive.

They are so worried about causing a "divisive rift" in their electorate, that they will not be flying the Cross of St George over the civic centre.

Now, at first sight, this may just about be palatable; if all others were treated equally, we all know how Nanny believes in treating people equally!

Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, this is not the case. You see, Ladies and Gentlemen, in Nanny's Britain some are more equal than others.

In particular the following organisations/groups are considered by Hounslow to be more equal than the English:

-The Palestinians
-The International Co-operators (can someone tell me who the hell these people are?)
-The Welsh

All of the above had their flags flown, above the civic centre, on their "special days".

One brave soul, Labour no less, tried to get the council to fly the flag. Cllr Peta Vaught, (Lab, Heston Central) put a motion to the ruling Labour Group's last meeting; to raise the flag over the civic centre on St George's Day, along with articles in the council's HM magazine and events for local schools.

However, her fellow councillors defeated the motion - with only one other Cllr Gopal Dhillon, also Heston Central voting for it.

Cllr John Connelly, a former Labour group leader turned Independent, put the matter rather succinctly:

"It is a decision of donkeys. Given that the council celebrates Diwali with fireworks and other ethnic minority festivals, I suspect many residents will be highly offended by what appears to be a snub to the indigenous community...Even a Scot like myself, who regarded Beckham as the hero of the European Championships in Portugal following his penalty miss, could not fail to notice that the community at large embraced the flag in the support of England."

He added:

"Indeed in Hounslow I suspect I saw as many residents of Asian origin displaying the flag on their cars as I saw in cars driven by white drivers...I imagine Tony Blair and his associates will be deeply embarrassed by this decision...".

I have said this before, and I will keep saying it until people wake up and take notice, we are becoming foreigners in our own country.

World Domination II

As part of my ongoing mission for world domination, via the internet, I have today launched a new site that may appeal to those of you with an interest in politics.

www.laboursleaze.com aims to be the definitive database of Labour sleaze.





Please feel free to visit it today.

Many thanks.

Ken

Nanny Bans Swimming

Sometimes Nanny's rules are so daft, that even Nanny realises that she has over reached herself.

One such piece of Nanny nonsense, that has even caused Blairy Poppins to reach for the proverbial "sick bag", are the rules and regulations governing the teaching of swimming to children.

Under new guidance, issued by the Institute for Sport and Recreation Management, children under four years old must be supervised by one adult per child and those between four and eight by one adult for every two children.

This, in effect, means that many parents are unable to have their children taught to swim.

Correct me if I am wrong; but isn't being able to swim rather a useful, nay life saving, skill?

Anyhoo, even Blairy thinks that these rules are nonsense; she said in Parliament:

"The current situation and the new guidelines have given rise to a complete nonsense because I think parents are perfectly well able to judge how they are best able to look after their children. I have therefore asked the Culture and Sport Secretary to bring in the Institute for Sport and Recreation Management and the Health and Safety Executive to see if we can't get this situation sorted out."

Clearly this must be an election year!

Now the real story here is, if we were living in a more rational less authoritarian country these stupid rules would not be issued in the first place.

The fault lies at the door of Nanny, her acolytes and ourselves for allowing petty dictators and jobsworths to be given the whip hand over us.

Those of you who would like to read more about the rules affecting swimmers should visit The River and Lake Swimming Association.

Nanny's Fat Porkie Pie

Doubtless you are all familiar with Nanny's constant harangue about children becoming obese at an "exponential rate".

Nanny claims that by 2020 more than half the children in Britain will be obese.

Well guess what?

This assertion turns out to be bollocks!

The Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC) has concluded that Nanny is using the wrong set of scales. Instead of using Nanny's scales, which seemingly are maladjusted, Nanny should be using the international standard; which asserts that fewer than 7% of children are obese.

Now of course this revelation does not sit well with Nanny; she has, after all, just launched a number of campaigns telling us that junk food is bad for children. To have to recant now would make her look very stupid indeed.

The good people at SIRC, in fact, go further in putting the boot into Nanny's fat free fad.

SIRC assert that the weight gain in the British population occurs after people leave school. Therefore, to target healthy eating programmes and lectures at children is entirely missing the point.

As usual Nanny has acted without thinking.

Do you think she will apologise, and change her policies?

Will she F***!

Bin Brother

Nanny's friends in my home town of Croydon have decided to employ big brother techniques, in monitoring the waste disposal habits of the residents of this decaying part of South London.

Thousands of wheelie bins are to be electronically tagged, to allow Croydon council to measure the waste that individual households produce.

It is feared that the scheme will lead to "Big Brother" tactics, with council officials able to spy on households.

Andrew Pellin, a Conservative member of the London Assembly, said:

"The Stasi or the KGB could have never dreamed of getting a spy device in every household."

The microchips will be used with refuse lorries, which will weigh the bins before they are emptied. Croydon council will then be able to identify homes where the amount of rubbish is higher than expected.

A leaflet from Nanny controlled Croydon council explaining the scheme says:

"We will be able to get in touch to help residents manage their rubbish more effectively."

In other words, those of you who don't comply with their views on what constitutes acceptable waste, will receive a visitation.

What happens then if the hapless resident does not respond favourably to the council's "helpful" advice?

Those of you who would like tom read more about Croydon should visit www.croydoniscrap.com.

Drowning in a Sea of Legislation

When Blairy Poppins first ascended the throne 1997, he famously pledged to be "tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime".

Nanny, as we all know, has some very imaginative ideas as to what constitutes crime.

Since 1997 Nanny has created a total of 1,018 extra criminal offences.

Some of these new "criminal" offences are at the very cutting edge of innovation, viz:

• Performing a concert in a church hall without a proper licence, will leave the organisers facing a potential jail sentence of six months



• Producing a tobacco advertisement, which is subsequently published, can result in two years imprisonment



• Assisting a woman in childbirth, when you are not a registered doctor or midwife, can give rise to a large fine

The problem with all these new "criminal" offences is that someone has to police them, and enforce them. The result is that the police are diverted away from the more mundane offences such as, assault and burglary.

In essence the creation of these spurious laws is nothing more than a neat diversionary tactic, designed to take people's attention away from the one irrefutable fact; namely that Nanny doesn't know how to improve the effectiveness and efficiency of law enforcement and, more importantly, crime prevention.

The bottom line is this, does anyone actually feel safer now that we have all of these new laws?

Those In Peril On The Sea

Those of you who may find themselves in nautical distress, may well have a few problems if you are white and middle class.

Seemingly, Nanny's friends in her "respected" National Lottery feel that the Royal National Lifeboat Institute (RNLI) is not adequately targeting its resources at those elements of society that Nanny feels are disadvantaged.

In view of this, the National Lottery will not award the RNLI a lottery grant.

As the RNLI point out, what are they meant to do before they respond to a distress call; go through an ethnic and socio economic monitoring questionnaire first?

Then ignore those people who don't fit in with Nanny's targeted groups?

Something is very wrong in this country.

An Enemy of The People

Further to my post the other day, about Nanny's National Lottery not awarding money to the Samaritans, it seems that the good old Lottery has a few other prejudices.

One of these is a prejudice against the Scout and Guide movement.

In Nanny's view scouts and guides are just too white, able bodied and middle class; and as such do not deserve to be awarded a lottery grant.

Call me stupid; but don't white, able bodied and middle class people also live in Britain?

Isn't Nanny meant to treat all of her "charges" equally, without fear or favour?

Does not the scout and guide movement allow all people, whatever their colour creed or socio economic group, to join?

Evidently not!

As a result of Nanny's perverted views of the world; several hundred children in Alconbury have been deemed too white, too able bodied and too middle class for a grant for a new Scout and Guide headquarters by Nanny's friends in the National Lottery's Community Fund.

The £190K grant was meant to help the scouts and guides build a new premises, after their last one was destroyed by an arson attack.

Doubtless the arsonist will receive the money instead!

The "rationale" of Nanny's chums, for rejecting the application for a grant, was that the scouts and guides do not "address any specific disadvantage".

Seemingly the Lottery has a core focus of "priority" groups which include; refugees/asylum-seekers and ethnic minority communities.

Now, unless I am missing something here, the scout and guide movement was specifically set up to help young people from all backgrounds learn to live and work together.

Its primary aim was to prevent society polarising.

Society has moved on from Baden Powell's day, but the principle remains valid.

By refusing to help out the scouts and guides, Nanny sends a very powerful message that she does not want people from different backgrounds to integrate and learn to live and work together.

She is the enemy of integration and social cohesion.

A divided society suits Nanny very well; as long as people feel isolated and alone, unable/unwilling to mix with others and work with others for the greater good, Nanny will always be needed to fill that gap in their lives.

Her actions prove that she is the enemy of the people.

Nanny's Massive Election

My sources inform me that Nanny has trebled the number of immigration officers at airport immigration.

Seemingly, this order has come from Nanny herself.

A cynic might argue that this little exercise in "window dressing" has been done to avoid embarrassing headlines, in the run up to Nanny's massive election.

Much like third world dictatorships, expecting a visitation from the UN, Nanny likes to "tart herself up".

The Wisdom of St Michael

Seen on the label of a piece of clothing purchased for a child, at Marks and Spencer:

"In the interests of safety, it is advisable to keep your child away from fire and flames".

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

Nanny is a strict mistress (that phrase will get this site some interesting hits from search engines!) she expects everything to be done "just so", in accordance with her views and rules.

Unfortunately not everyone can live up to her "high standards" and, as such, can be ostracised and rejected by Nanny.

Now we all know that the Samaritans do sterling work for the suicidal, depressed and unhappy. Volunteers man telephone lines 24 hours a day, offering friendly non judgemental counsel and a shoulder to cry on.

It is widely acknowledged, and recognised, that they have saved many lives.

The Samaritans in Sheffield recently went to Nanny's chums, in that much respected national institution "The National Lottery", to ask for a £300K grant for the refurbishment of a new premises that they bought with a legacy; they have to leave their current premises, as the landlord sold it.

Unfortunately their request was rejected on the grounds that they do not do enough for the disadvantaged, asylum seekers and ethnic minorities.

Call me stupid, but are the idiots in the Lottery suggesting that the Samaritans should ask callers first what socio-economic group they come from?

Presumably if you are white and middle class, you are then told to go hang yourself?

The good news is that Nanny's Lottery is spending the money on more deserving causes; £360K is being given to a fund to advise prostitutes.

Nanny is very selective, when choosing who she decides to help.

Nanny Balances The Books

Nanny is having something of a financial crisis, in respect of her beloved health service. It seems that her £2BN scheme to revolutionise the treatment of British cancer sufferers has, according to Doctors for Reform, failed.

The money is not being targeted on "front line staff", resulting in "appalling" delays for radiotherapy treatment.

You may well ask where the £2BN, of our money, is in fact being spent.

Nanny has chosen, in order to satisfy her own bureaucratic control procedures, to spend the money on 400 bureaucrats; without any increase in clinical capacity.

It seems that the situation is so bad, that new radiotherapy machines are still in boxes; as there is no one available to operate them.

The result is that Nanny’s Britain has one of the lowest cancer survival rates in Western Europe.

However, do not despair, Nanny has a cunning plan. She will divert money from other, "unnecessary", areas within the health service.

In fact she has already targeted one area that is ripe for cost cutting; she has applied to the High Court to be allowed to turn off those expensive life support machines, on people who she deems are too expensive to be allowed to live.

By this little ruse, the dead hand of bureaucracy will balance the books

A scheme brilliant in its simplicity, don’t you think?

Nanny Bans Pancakes

Today is Shrove Tuesday, doubtless many of you will be "tossing away" like mad; as you gorge yourselves to death on homemade pancakes.

However, I must caution you, Nanny has her beady little eye on the whole pancake experience.

Not only are they rather fattening, you know how she hates fat people, but they are now deemed to be a health and safety issue as well.

Nanny's chums in the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) predict, in a report issued today, that around 250 people will end up in hospital after cooking pancakes on Shrove Tuesday.

Do these people have nothing better to do?

The dangers include:

- Burning you hands on hot frying pans

- Burns from spitting fat

- Excess tossing leading to pancakes landing on people's heads and wrists

Please, give us a break Nanny!

Nanny is so concerned about the dangers, that she has designed a special safety suit to be worn when cooking and tossing.

Should the number of accidents not fall, she will ban pancakes altogether.

You have been warned!

Therefore, in order to really annoy Nanny, here is a nice recipe for Swedish pancakes; go on, live a little!

Ingredients

- 2 cups milk
- 4 eggs
- 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
- 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
- 3 tablespoons sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- Lingonberries or raspberries
- Seedless raspberry jam or fruit spread, warmed Whipped topping

Preparation

In a blender, combine the first six ingredients. Cover and process until blended. Heat a lightly greased 8-in. nonstick skillet; pour 1/4 cup batter into center of skillet. Lift and tilt pan to evenly coat bottom.

Cook until top appears dry; turn and cook 15-20 seconds longer. Repeat with remaining batter, adding oil to skillet as needed. Stack pancakes with waxed paper or paper towels in between. Reheat in the microwave if desired.

Fold pancakes into quarters; serve with berries, raspberry jam and whipped topping.

The Truth About London Underground

My compliments to Adam Kay and Suman Biswas for their fine song, entitled London Underground, which extols the virtues of Nanny's underground system in her capital city.

Watch it here: London Underground.

Warning it contains a large quantity of four letter words!

Nanny Can't Spell

Extract from Nanny's party website:

"Our determination is to secure a third term Labour government that drives forward change, that fulfils our pormise to renew our country..."

I think she means promise.

Oh dear Nanny, whatever happened to "Educashun, Educashun, Educashun"?

The above spelling aberration can be seen, together with a host of other grammatical errors on Nanny's party website.

I suspect that they will change it, as soon as someone tells them about it.

What The Fuck Were You Thinking Nanny?

Nanny has, so she would like us to believe, our best interests at heart. One aspect of our lives that she is particularly concerned about, is the housing shortage.

It has not escaped her attention that Britain's population is rising, it now stands at around 58M; not bad for a tiny island!

Those of you who enjoy statistics may enjoy these:

• Sweden is a very large country, several times the land mass of Britain, its population is only 8M



• 100 years ago Britain's population was less than 25M, and people still felt the need to emigrate because they felt that it was overcrowded!

I could go on, but let us return to Nanny's little problem. Obviously, people need to live somewhere; as the population rises, so does the need for accommodation.

Now, I don't think that it will come as any surprise to you that Britain has been "enjoying" a property price boom over the last few years. This is great for those of us who own a home, but not so great for those trying find their first home (rental or purchase).

The situation is especially problematic in the South East; where, seemingly, everyone wants to live.

Nanny has decided that this is a time for resolute action, she loves to show that she is determined and "in charge". In view of this, she has decided that there is only one man capable of handling this "Gordian Knot" of a problem.

Who, I hear you ask, is this Superman?

Why none other than Nanny's old friend, and "smooth talking bar steward", John Despot.

You remember him, don't you?

He was the bloke that successfully scuppered the plans for a Northern Regional Assembly.

Mr Despot has analysed the housing issue from all angles, for at least an hour, and has come up with a brilliant idea.

Build more houses!

Now there's an original thought.

Fear not, it gets better.

Instead of spreading the building work across the country, he will ensure that these new houses (some 200000 by the way) will all be built in the South East.

The houses, by the way, will be "affordable"; that means they will be "jerry built", and presumably rot and fall down in 10 years or so. However, no matter to Mr Despot, he will have retired by then.

Disregarding the disaster that is inevitable whenever a government tries to "fix price mechanism of the market", there are a number of "small flies" in Mr Despot's considerably large pot of ointment:

• The South East does not have the infrastructure to accommodate 200000 more houses, and their occupants. Anyone who seriously believes that, for example, Nanny will spend money on improving the transport network to service these houses is living in fantasy land.



• Failing examples of "the rush to build" can be seen littered around the country. I cite my own town of Croydon as a fine example of politicians' egos coming before common sense, in respect of planning, design and infrastructure (see www.croydoniscrap.com).



• There are thousands of unoccupied, derelict and rotting homes in other parts of the country. These should be renovated and occupied first.



• Build new houses and people will occupy them, government attempts at social and demographic engineering are doomed to failure. Let the market determine where people live and work.



• 10000 of Despot's new homes are to be built on flood planes. That means they will be uninsurable, and presumably uninhabitable.

In short, Despot's scheme is utter "cack".

For pity's sake Nanny, "what the fuck were thinking" in appointing Despot to this job?

Nanny's Drink Driving Test

Nanny, quite rightly, is concerned about the number of cases of drink driving. She has warned us over the years about the dangers of driving, whilst under the influence; yet there is still a hard core of people who regularly take to the wheel, whilst under the influence.

Nanny is therefore trying a new preventive technique, in Scotland, to catch drink drivers before they take the wheel.

Should this prove successful, she will implement it throughout the rest of the country.

I don't know about you, but I think that she may be on to something here.

Watch the Scottish police stop a drunk driver take the wheel, here; Drink Driving Test.

Note, it may take approximately 3 minutes to download if you are on dial up.

Nanny's Money Making Scam

As we all know, Nanny loves to spend money; the more she takes, in tax receipts, the more she wants to spend.

It is a vicious circle.

Now you may wonder how it is that she is able to get away with such profligacy, without the voters rising up, the answer is simple; she, in effect, bribes the voters by paying them to work for her.

There are now over 6 million British citizens working for Nanny, in the public sector; no wonder the unemployment figures are so low!

Keeping the electorate docile, and beholdent to her, is only one part of the equation; the other part of the equation, namely raising money, requires a little more creative thought.

That is where Nanny's special "friend", Gordon "Smiler" Brown, comes in; being rather cerebral, he loves nothing better than to come up with imaginative ways of raising tax revenues without people realising it.

His latest wheeze is the best yet.

31 January was the deadline for completing tax returns, for tax year end April 2004. Now our dear friends in the Inland Revenue have been encouraging people to file their returns on line; the rationale, so they say, is that it is easier and quicker to do it this way.

The reality though has turned out to be somewhat different, the Inland Revenue site had a mysterious glitch this weekend. Those taxpayers who had followed the Revenue's advice to file their returns on line, could not actually file them.

The result?

They missed the deadline!

Now here's the real plum in this sticky pudding, the Revenue is threatening to fine them for late filing. The fines come in at a stonking £100, plus £60 per day.

Easy money isn't Nanny?

Nanny's Catch 22

Nanny and her friends like to give the impression that they care about those who are less well off than themselves. On occasions she tries to offer the needy some scraps from her table.

However, this little exercise in philanthropy is not as simple as it first may appear.

Nanny's chums, in the House of Commons Refreshment Department, have been trying to donate leftovers to charities for the homeless.

The charities, for their part, would be very happy to accept the scraps from the rich man's table.

However, there is one slight problem.

Nanny's health and safety rules prevent the charities from accepting food prepared in the House of Commons kitchens.

Now I don't know about you; but our beloved politicians seem to look reasonably well fed, and free from life threatening stomach disorders, on their diet from these kitchens.

Don't you think that a little bit of common sense could be applied here?

How about this for a radical suggestion?

If the food cannot be taken to the needy, why not take the needy to the food; and invite them to the dining room of the House of Commons?

This would give them the opportunity to meet their elected representatives.

Nanny's Big Brother House

Nanny, as we all know, claims to want to protect us from the evils of the world. She believes that there are many naughty people out there, wishing to do us harm; some cynics might argue that some of these threats are a direct consequence of Nanny’s "foreign adventures".

However, let us not concern ourselves with facts and causalities.

Fearing for our safety, Nanny has put one of her most "trusted" and "capable" friends on the job; dear old Lord Falconer, of The Dome, has been given the task of ensuring that the law protects us from evildoers.

Those of you with a good memory will recall that Lord Falconer of The Dome, single-handedly rescued Nanny from the Dome fiasco; by ensuring that all the blame for the taxpayer being saddled with the cost of this monstrous white elephant, fell upon his broad shoulders.

What a friend Nanny has in Lord F!

Now Lord F is working with Fungus Clarke on Nanny’s brilliant new wheeze, “House Arrest”. This is where people can be placed under house arrest without any form of trial.

Lord F discussed this proposal on Breakfast With Frost (not me, the other one!) by saying:

"That is not internment. That is not a police state. That is a sensible measure..".

However, some people are a little concerned about this “innovation”; likening it to similar practices used by third world dictatorships. Even Nanny’s own attorney-general has warned that the scheme is illegal.

Fear not my friends, Lord F had a plan.

Nanny Knows Best can exclusive reveal that Lord F will be adding a unique feature to the house arrest scheme; to provide “clear blue water” between it and other house arrest methods, used by third world tin pot dictatorships.

British house arrest will mean being incarcerated in the Big Brother House with Jade Goody, John McCririck and Sylvester Stallone’s mum. The house would be shown live on E4, 24 hours a day.



Lord F believes that this "populist measure" will satisfy the "bleeding heart liberals" and provide, via sponsorship, a much needed fillip to government funds.

However, not all are convinced as to the benefits of this new scheme; a spokesman from Amnesty said:

"They shoot horses don’t they?".

What do you think Ladies and Gentlemen?

Are you proud that Britain is adopting a method of imprisonment used by third world dictatorships?