Prats of The Week - Liverpool Council

My oh my, it feels like a gazillion years since I last awarded one of my prestigious Prats of The Week Awards.

Therefore, without further ado, based on the recommendation of a loyal reader I present the award this week to Liverpool Council.

For why?

Liverpool City Council want to ban people from eating takeaway food with their fingers, in a move designed to curb litter.

Nick Small, Liverpool council's enterprise chief, is quoted by the Liverpool Echo:

 "We don’t want people buying chips, eating them outside and  then dropping their litter.”

The new rules will apply to city centre businesses with outdoor seating areas - known as pavement cafes.

Any new business bidding for a pavement cafe licence will now be ordered to serve food on plates with cutlery, rather than in paper bags or polystyrene trays.

Cllr Small said:

“We can see the benefits of pavement cafes being there, we just want them to up their standards.

For any new business with a pavement cafe, we are going to make sure they give out plates and cutlery.

We can’t go back and review licences we have already issued, but we would like all businesses with pavement cafes to start issuing plates and cutlery voluntarily.”

This is all very well and dandy. However, the ruling doesn't apply to those establishments that don't have outside seating. Additionally, the littering is caused by ignorant people who are too lazy or stupid to look for a bin; it is not caused by the takeaway.


Punish the cretins who drop the litter, not the takeaway or their non littering customers who have to pay more for a plate and cutlery (which doubtless will be broken or used as weapons by some).


Liverpool Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Nanny Bans Scousers

I see that ITV recently had an attack of Nannyitis, and decided that a comedy show’s creators should be banned from using the word “Scouser” or describing a drunk character as Australian because the terms had "racial" connotations.

Laurence Marks, the co-creator of Birds of a Feather, said it was “odd” that British broadcasters would allow four-letter tirades on air but baulked at traditional humour playing on national and regional stereotypes.

The Telegraph reported that he said he was told that it was “unacceptable” racial stereotyping to say somebody was Australian and drunk.

On another occasion, he said he and his writing partner Maurice Gran fell foul of rules prohibiting the use of the word “Scouser” to describe someone from Liverpool.

Calm down!

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Nanny Bans Heavy Balls

Ooh Err Missus!

Here's a saucy headline to start your week with....Nanny has banned heavy balls??? I hear you ejaculate (can I say "ejaculate" on a Monday morning?).

Surely not???

It is in fact true.

Just ask the hapless pupils at Malvern Primary School in Huyton, who have been banned from using synthetic/leather footballs in the playground.

For why?

Cos, my loyal readers, the balls are deemed by Nanny to be "too heavy" and the allegedly "feeble" and "weak" children of Huyton (in Liverpool) may injure themselves.

I assume then that cricket balls are most assuredly banned there as well?

Fear not though, the dim wits who came up with this daft ban have a solution.

Foam balls!

Yes, you did read that correctly, FOAM BALLS!

Is it any wonder kids sniff glue/fire extinguishers and get into bother, given that every aspect/freedom/joy of their lives is being regulated/monitored/destroyed by Nanny?

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Nanny Bans Obesity

Good news everybody, Nanny has banned obesity!

Well OK, she hasn't banned the condition itself. She is thinking of banning the word "obesity".

Nanny's chums from Liverpool council have been told by children at the Liverpool Schools' Parliament that the word "obesity" is offensive.

Fair enough, so what do you call someone who is overweight then?

"Unhealthy weight"

Oh yes, that sends the right message doesn't it?

Jeff Dunn, co-ordinator of the schools' parliament told the Liverpool Echo:

"The idea is that obesity has a negative connotation behind it. They felt unhealthy weight is more positive and a better way to promote it. The term 'obese' would turn people off, particularly young people."

So the logic is that because obesity sounds "not very good", then we must have a "nice" way to tell people they are fat.

Needless to say by hiding the reality in a sugar coated form the council will in effect be avoiding the issue, and not helping the children face reality.

However, in Nanny's world reality is whatever she wants it to be.

By the way, "obese" is a technical term used to describe someone who is more than just "overweight". The new classification will simply lump all "overweight" people together.

Despite this Liverpool Council are going to seriously consider banning the word!

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Nanny Airbrushes History - 1984 Comes To Liverpool

My commiserations to the good people of Liverpool wrt the numpties they seem to be saddled with in their local council.

Liverpool city council have decreed that smoking is evil, and the members of the council are so keen to suck up to their mistress Nanny that they have decided that all films with smoking scenes should be classified as 18 (adults only).

In order for them to get away with this "1984" style sanitising of history (Winston Smith spent his days destroying anything that may have contaminated the state's version of history), Nanny's lickspittles in the council are conducting a "consultation exercise" whereby "stakeholder" organisations, community groups, businesses, members of the public aged 18 and above, and under-age "stakeholders" will have the opportunity to give their views.

Needless to say, the council will then rig the "consultation" in order to ensure that the results will validate their desired outcome.

I would point out that by making smoking "adult and illicit" merely makes it seem all the more attractive to the young. Let's face it, porn, drugs and drink are all pretty popular with the yoof of today; no small measure due to the fact that they are classified as "adult" or illegal.

The other point is that the council will be cordoning off some film classics from youthful eyes, eg Casablanca, The Marx Brothers etc.

Sanitising history, in order to comply with a modern day fad, is as odious as rewriting history.

I trust and assume that the members of Liverpool Council who support this odious idea are expunged from the council at the next election.

Not coming soon, not to a cinema near you:

- films with fat people in,
- films with men doing heroic things,
- films that mention Christianity,
- films with people drinking.

Drop the numpties a note and tell them what you think of them via this Have Your Say form.

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The Dangers of Flags

I see that St George's Day last week was not able to pass without some Nannyism.

Liverpool Council (much "respected" by the residents of Liverpool) decided to remove St George's flags erected (can I say "erected"?) across the main road of Walton.

Seemingly the council was worried that they might fly off and obscure the windscreens of passing cars. Nanny's chums on the council sent out a workman in a truck with a cherry-picker to take all the flags down, accompanied by policemen in an unmarked van.

Nice to see that during times of economic crisis the council is still happy to waste taxpayers' money on a piffling health and safety "issue".

I am pleased to say that Nanny and the council got a sound kicking from the citizens of Liverpool, hundreds of whom inundated local radio stations with phone calls to complain.

The council was forced to reattach many of the flags.

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The People's Republic of Liverpool Bans Smoking

Oh my gosh, another smoking ban!

Nanny really needs to get some therapy, to help her get over her paranoia over smoking.

This time we must journey to the People's Republic of Liverpool for a cautionary tale of mind numbing heavy handed state interference.

As we all know, Nanny's local council in Liverpool regards Liverpool as being the world's most perfect city. Thanks to the "wise" policies of Nanny and generations of local councillors Liverpool now has zero crime, perfect race relations, no drugs, 100% literacy and zero anti social behaviour.

As such it should not surprise us to learn that Nanny's councillors have a lot of free time on their hands, and need something to do.

That at least is the only explanation that I can come up with for their latest daft idea.

SmokeFree Liverpool, there's a group with high aspirations, has decreed that all movies with smoking scenes should be given an 18 certificate. Needless to say, Nanny's chums on Liverpool City Council have backed this absurd and ridiculous idea.

Andy Hull, Liverpool's head of public protection (what the fark is that when it's at home?...another Nanny state militia?) and chair (how can a human be a "chair", ie a piece of furniture, he is chairman) of SmokeFree Liverpool, said that an adult rating on movies that depict smoking will reduce the number of young people lighting up.

"The international evidence...is that one in two children between 11 and 18 who witness smoking in movies actually experiment with - and therefore start - smoking themselves."

Prat!

All this will do is encourage children to regard smoking as an even more naughty adult vice, that they must most definitely try. Additionally, as with all adult films, the under 18's will be queuing up to get in.

When I was a lad, it was just nudie films that one had to sneak in to see (or watch late night on BBC2)...Nanny now wants to create a whole new list of "must sees"; eg smoking, eating, fatty etc.

Violence in under 18 movies is of course OK!

Hull said that Liverpool (what everyone in Liverpool?) wants the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) to act.

Needless to say, as with all of Nanny's daft ill thought through ideas, there is a large fly in Nanny's oinkment.

The BBFC is none too impressed with this daft idea, and said:

"To simply classify a film 18 because people smoke in it would not be popular with the public."

Politely put, BBFC told Liverpool council to fark off!

Hull, being a true disciple of Nanny, is not interested in common sense or indeed the advice of experts if that advice contradicts his prejudices. He said that if the BBFC is not prepared to adopt an 18 certificate, then Liverpool will consider using licensing laws to bring in its own stricter ratings for films screened locally.

Thus making Liverpool look completely ridiculous, and dictatorial.

The arrogance of local councils never ceases to amaze me. Their role is not to interfere in the daily lives of people, nor is it to act like mini Hitlers. yet they choose to do so.

Why?

Because we have allowed them to, and we elect useless third rate human beings to become councillors.

Isn't it about time that we put an end to local councils?

We need to rid of these useless appendages once and for all.

Feel free to email Andy Hull andy.hull@liverpool.gov.uk

Nanny Bans Happy Meals

Oh dear oh dear, Nanny's minions running what they believe to be the people's republic of Liverpool clearly have far too much time on their hands.

Liverpool council have taken umbrage at McDonalds over their "Happy Meals".

Seemingly the children of Liverpool are exceedingly fat, and the council are blaming McDonalds and their Happy Meals for this. According to Nanny the fact that Happy Meals offer a small toy, is the cause of Liverpudlian kids buying all those "nasty" Happy Meals which are making them fat.

As such, Nanny's chums on the council (in the "Scrutiny Group", how very sinister and Orwellian) want to introduce a by-law banning the sale of fast food accompanied by toys.

Lib-Dem councillor Paul Twigger said:

"The Scrutiny Group is recommending that a by-law be enforced to stop the circulation of free toys associated with junk food promotions.

We consider it is high time that McDonald's are challenged over their marketing policies which are directly aimed at promoting unhealthy eating among children.

Childhood obesity is a dire threat to health in this country and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I am not impressed that McDonald's have introduced so-called healthy options to its menu.

Children are directly targeted with junk food and McDonald's use the Happy Meals to exploit the pester power of children, against which many parents give in.

In most Happy Meals, the toy is sold with a burger along with high-calorie fries and milkshakes.

This kind of junk food is habit-forming and the Happy Meals are cynically aimed at younger children."

Isn't it funny how the "Liberal Democrats" are more often than not anything but "liberal" or "democratic" in their actions and desires?

Maybe they should change their name to something that more accurately reflects their true feelings?

Any suggestions?

OK folks, here's why this idea is bollocks:

1 The fatness or otherwise of the children of Liverpool is the responsibility of their parents, not the state.

2 The fat kids will be eating all sorts of shit, Happy Meals are not the prime cause of their obesity

3 We live in a free market economy, people can buy what the fark they like; and companies can market their products in any way that they see fit (so long as it is not misleading)

4 Free toys and gifts etc have been included with products (eg cornflakes etc) for decades; they have not been the cause of "fatness" before, and are not the cause of "fatness" in this case.

Nanny should keep her nose out, we have the right as consumers to buy what the fark we want!

The Health and Safety Gestapo Strike Again II

I received this missive from Nanny's chums in Liverpool City (Capital of Culture) Council yesterday, in response to my article about them banning the Mathew Street Festival.

Needless to say, on reading it, it is evident that this is a pro forma "excuse" note sent out to anyone who writes in complaining about the cancellation.

It is clear that the council are not even bothering to read the complaints being sent in.

I reproduce it in full below, and draw your attention to Nanny's favourite phrase "eliminate risk".

For the umpteenth time, you can no more eliminate risk than you can teach a dog to walk permanently erect (can I say erect?).

Nanny is kidding herself and her minions when she spouts this bullshit.

"I am writing with regard to your recent enquiry expressing your concerns regarding the cancellation of this year's Mathew Street Festival.

We are also very frustrated and disappointed that the decision had to be made to cancel this year’s festival but it was taken following extensive consultation with interested parties and advice from one of the country’s leading Events Health and Safety specialists.

The popularity of the festival and increasing crowds in recent years meant that with the loss of the Pier Head as a performance space and the other regeneration activities within the City, the risks posed to Health and Safety by staging the event in the streets were significant and ultimately unavoidable.

Despite the change in the space available for the festival we were determined to find a way to run the festival within the City Centre and had identified locations for seven stages to accommodate the expected crowds. We worked hard to eliminate safety risks associated with the location of these stages but in the end the independent review still recommended that we should not go ahead. In the face of this expert advice there was no other option open to us than to cancel. It would have been irresponsible in the extreme for us to have ignored this advice. The reason for the lateness of the decision was that we remained determined to find a way to run the festival until we received the expert advice.

Yours sincerely,

Chris Green

Operations Director

Liverpool Capital of Culture"

The Health and Safety Gestapo Strike Again

Oh dear, Nanny's dreaded health and safety Gestapo have struck again. This time they have chosen to put their unwanted and unwelcome noses and boots into the good people of Liverpool's attempt to have a bit of a street party.

The furore surrounds The Mathew Street Festival organised on a regular basis by the Beatles old haunt, the Cavern.

Note, someone seems to have pulled the plug on the main part of the site?

The Mathew Street Festival, by last year, had become "Europe's biggest street party"; and was attracting 100,000 people, with big name acts on outdoor stages.

Needless to say such activities are frowned upon by Nanny's chums in the council, the police and the health and safety Gestapo.

-Crowds
-Live music
-Fresh air etc

are all an anathema to Nanny and her trolls.

Therefore it should some as no surprise to learn that Nanny banned the event, at the eleventh hour, citing that hoary (can I say hoary?) old chestnut "health and safety".

Liverpool City Council are claiming that the decision to pull the plug follows independent advice from health and safety consultants, Capita Symonds, employed by the Liverpool Culture Co.

Seemingly the scale of the current redevelopment work in Liverpool, poses a threat to people's safety at such an event.

Building work, in Liverpool?

Have they never had construction work there before?

Needless to say, Nanny's finest in the shape of Merseyside Police are also in favour of banning it. They claim that the reduction in capacity, huge crowds in an open, licensed environment, means there is a significant safety risk to the public.

It would seem that, according to Nanny, the planning for the event, and discussions between the city council, police and safety officials, cannot fully eliminate the risk.

Errmmmm...can we get this point clear?

You can never eliminate risk, you can only manage/reduce it.

It is time that these prats stopped fantasising about eliminating risk, and got themselves a heavy does of reality.

The council said:

"Staff worked right to the 11th hour to try

and produce a workable plan which could

accommodate the festival in the city centre."

Given that the festival was scheduled for the 26th and 27th of this month, a cynic might ask why the hell have they only just come up with the banning order?

It's not as though the redevelopment work was not known about earlier!

Indeed, it seems that only yesterday a tender document went out for pa and lighting companies to tender for the festival.

It seems to me that the council and police were looking around for an excuse to ban the festival and knew that if they left it ot the last minute, the furore could be "managed away" and would not have a chance to build up.

A spokesman from Liverpool City Council was on the BBC this morning, bleating away that there would be an "internal" inquiry into why the decision to ban it was so late in the day.

The only trouble is, that the internal inquiry will be conducted by the self same council that took the lame decision in the first place.

Any bets as to the value of the findings?

How stupid do they really think people are?

Another fine example of local councils getting above themselves and inflicting their unwanted views and rules on the people that, in theory, they work for.

Abolish local councils, they add no value whatsoever!

Here are a few useful emails addresses, urls etc

-Liverpool City Council
-LCC statement
-Contact Capita Symonds

Money Well Spent

Nanny and her police are to be congratulated on the time and money spent on the investigation of "the Nation's sweetheart" Anne Robinson, for her "anti Welsh" comments in 2003.

Seemingly, Nanny was so annoyed at Anne that she spent nearly £4K on a police investigation into the comments.

Mind boggling isn't it?

Dear old Anne, talking about her childhood and the large groups of people from North Wales who shopped at her mother's market stall in Liverpool, branded the Welsh as "irritating and annoying" on the BBC show "Room 101".

Needless to say, 12 people with nothing better to do complained to the police.

Prats!

Nanny's chum North Wales Police Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom set up an inquiry, and sent two detectives to London to interview Greg Dyke (Head of the BBC).

Don't our police have better things to do with their time?

Seemingly not.

Anyhoo, after wasting £4K and 96 hours on this "serious crime"; Brunstrom wrote to Dyke, explaining that there was "insufficient evidence" to take the matter to court.

For the record, one superintendent, a detective chief inspector and two detective inspectors were involved in the probe.

Nanny's chum Carl Sargeant, Labour AM for Alyn and Deeside, said:

"I would have expected the investigation to cost a lot more than it did."

Another prat!

Come on, are people now so thin skinned that they have to bring in the police at the first "perceived" trivial insult?

Are our police so inept that they then have to investigate these absurd complaints?

Nanny's Naughty Nurses

Nanny thinks that we are all very naughty when it comes to looking after our health, and in her view if we cannot be trusted to look after ourselves then she is jolly well going to enforce her views upon us.

Nanny has a particular abhorrence of smoking, just like Hitler did, and as such has decided to enforce a strict no smoking policy in and around her hospitals.

In order for this policy to work she has set up a Naughty Nurse Patrol (that phrase will get me some interesting hits from search engines) in the Aintree Hospitals NHS Trust in Liverpool, whoch will target people who in her view are being naughty.

Nurses in the trust have been asked to take part in anti-smoking patrols around two hospital sites, and offer smoking cessation advice to staff and visitors.

In other words they will be telling people to stop smoking, even though it is not their business to do so.

Nurses have been told to go on hour-long patrols, as part of Nanny's non-smoking policy, which cover the entire hospital site.

Naughty Nurse Patrols are carried out three times a day, with staff doing rounds in pairs, handing out smoking leaflets and advice.

Not surprisingly, given the somewhat overstretched nature of the NHS, many staff are unhappy about being asked to carry out these patrols; as they do not regard it as part of their job, and because it will take them away from patient care on the wards.

Another small point is that it is not up to Nanny to tell us what to do, but then again that has never stopped her in the past.

Nanny just loves to waste everyones time.

St George Slays The Dragon

The majority of articles on Nanny Knows Best show the seemingly unstoppable encroachment of Nanny into our lives, at times it seems that there is nothing that can be done to stop her.

However, once in a while, a ray of hope (such an awful phrase don't you think?) illuminates the darkness.

E tenbris lux.

One such ray comes in the form of Phil Moffatt's victory over ever popular, and "respected", Liverpool council.

Mr Moffatt, owner of Churchill's Food Emporium in Tuebrook, has traditionally flown the flag of St George every St George's day (which is tomorrow folks). However, Nanny's chums in Liverpool council had tried to stop him doing it this year.

They claimed, and I doubt that this was the real reason, that the flags constituted a health and safety issue. They were going to fine him £1K, if he went ahead with his plan to fly 20 flags this year.

Mr Moffatt stood firm, and won.

Nanny has backed down, and Mr Moffatt will be able to fly 20 flags.

This shows that Nanny can, like the dragon, be slain.

My compliments to you Mr Moffatt.

Nanny Bans Hot Cross Buns

As Easter is almost upon us I thought you would be pleased to know that Nanny has, just like she did at Christmas, stuck her interfering nose into this celebration as well.

It seems that schools across Britain have been ordered by local authorities to abandon the ancient tradition of serving hot cross buns at Easter, so that non Christians won't be offended.

The scary thing here is that we pay these council dimwits a salary.

Can anyone tell me why?

Nanny's friends in the councils are running scared of receiving complaints from non Christian religions.

Pathetic!

The morons who run Tower Hamlets have slapped a ban on hot cross buns, after they received complaints about serving....wait for it...pancakes on Shrove Tuesday.

A jackass (I would use stronger words, but it is Easter!) spokesman for the Labour-run council claimed that there had been "a lot" of complaints but did not have a figure.

The spokesman then added for good measure:

"We are moving away from a religious theme for Easter and will not be doing hot cross buns...

We can't risk a similar outcry over Easter like the kind we had on Pancake Day. We will probably be serving naan breads instead."

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned if you will, but isn't Easter a religious festival??

Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong on this!

Liverpool council, which is controlled by the Liberal Democrats, has seemingly told reporters that the symbol of the cross had the "potential to offend"; buns will no longer be served to children.

Despite this ruling, the council confirmed that it will continue to organise special menus to celebrate events as diverse as the Chinese New Year, Italian National Day and Russian Independence Day.

Twats!

Other councils on the hit list for removal from office, for not serving hot cross buns, include; York, and Wolverhampton both Labour run. Officials in Wakefield, which is also controlled by Labour, have decided it would be more appropriate to tailor the Easter menu to information technology.

"We are not serving hot cross buns at all..Each term we try to come up with a menu which encourages children to think about different issues...

This Easter term we chose information technology and did not even consider putting hot cross buns on the menu."

What were they smoking when they came up with that, I wonder?

Ann Widdecombe summed it up just right:

"These people are silly asses,".

"It would appear that we should know about everyone else's culture apart from our Christian tradition. It seems that anything that comes from an ethnic minority is fine, while anything Christian is wrong...

What can be more innocent than a hot cross bun?

There's no more fun way to explain the Christian tradition to a child and it is not as if eating a hot cross bun automatically makes you a born-again Christian."

I would note that the Muslim Council of Britain called the decision "very, very bizarre..This is absolutely amazing..

At the moment, British Muslims are very concerned about the upcoming war with Iraq and are hardly going to be taken aback by a hot cross bun."

Adding:

"Unfortunately actions like this can only create a backlash and it is not very thoughtful. I wish they would leave us alone. We are quite capable of articulating our own concerns and if we find something offensive, we will say so...

We do not need to rely on other people to do it for us...British Muslims have been quite happily eating and digesting hot cross buns for many years and I don't think they are suddenly going to be offended."

Given the above, I wonder precisely who Nanny is seeking to serve by banning these buns?

By the way Nanny's chums in the Food Standards Authority believe that hot cross buns are very healthy. On a weight-for-weight basis, the buns contain the lowest amount of sugar and fat; as well as having the highest fibre and lowest calorie content.

The bottom line is this, Nanny has gone mad and must therefore be "retired" immediately.