Happy New Year

Lest there be any doubt, we had it large this Christmas at Frost Towers (ensuring that Nanny's warnings about exploding gravy, booze, salt, Christmas baubles etc were wholeheartedly ignored).

In the spirit of the season would like to wish you all a very happy, peaceful and prosperous (will Gordon "Smiler" Brown allow me to use that word?) 2009.

Ken

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Prats of The Week - The Dangers of Red Ink

Tis the year end, and time for my very last "Prats of The Week" Award for 2008.

This week's award goes to the prats in Nanny's educashunal department, who have banned teachers in schools across the country from marking pupils' work with red pens.

For why?

Red, in Nanny's view, upsets and demoralises the kids as it is "confrontational" and "threatening".

Crofton Junior School, in Orpington, has banned red ink. Its Marking Code of Practice states:

"Work is generally marked in pen – not red – but on occasion it may be appropriate to indicate errors in pencil so that they may be corrected."

Headmaster Richard Sammonds said:

"Red pen can be quite demotivating for children. It has negative, old-school connotations of See me and Not good enough".

Good grief!

How are children meant to achieve their best, if they are not stretched and challenged?

What use will these children be as adults, if they have never faced failure and constructive criticism?

We are breeding a nation of passive intellectual immature dullards.

Nanny's educashunal department, well deserving "Prats of The Week"!

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The Dangers of Gravy

It looks like I had my pre Christmas piss up just in time last week, as Nanny has just issued a warning leaflet explaining all manners of dangers presented by the forthcoming binge/bloat fest officially known as Christmas.

Gosh had I read the leaflet, I would never have ventured out last Friday!

FNAAAR!

Anyhoo, Nanny safety leaflet (issued in the form of an Advent style calendar) warns about the dangers of gravy "exploding" in microwaves, pissed people falling over (gosh!) and Christmas tree baubles.

Nanny's knobheads from Ed Balls' Department for Children, Schools and Families have issued 150,000 of the leaflets called "Tis The Season To Be Careful". I have no idea why they think this will help people enjoy Christmas.

Why oh why do we allow these people to remain in government?

Anyhoo, my advice to you all is to ignore Nanny and have it large this Christmas!

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A Christmas Tale

Tis the season to be jolly etc, and ignore all of Nanny's advice.

In the spirit of the season, a member of the Nanny Knows Best team (ie me) took his dear old (86 years to be precise) uncle out for lunch last Friday.

I highly commend Maggie Jones's, a favourite spot of mine.

Rest assured a good time was had by all, and copious quantities of food and booze were consumed!

Despite consuming and elegant sufficiency I still managed to transport myself back home to Brighton later in the evening, without any of the following:

- falling over
- the use of the emergency services to sober me up, detox me, or arrest me
- vomiting in any public/private place
- being lewd, crude, obnoxious etc
- putting my feet up on the seat of the train
- robbing or assaulting anyone

Now if I can manage to behave in a vaguely civilised manner, despite having consumed a vast quantity of food and drink, how come our youngsters (and those who should know better) who have been Nannyfied since birth cannot?

Season's greetings folks.

Have it large this year!

Ken

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Nanny Bans Jokes

Can anyone explain this Nanny ban to me, I am at a total loss to understand it; as indeed is Bob Singh, on whom the ban has been placed.

What has Nanny banned?

Mr Singh has, for the last 10 years, been adding jokes to his promotional leaflets at his Landmark store in Port Talbot, south Wales.

Now Nanny's police officers have stomped in and warned that he could face prosecution for breaching public order if he does not stop.

South Wales Police sergeant Simon Merrick said:

"The content of promotional material which has been distributed in the area has been brought to our attention as being potentially inflammatory and offensive.

The distributor has been appropriately advised and instructed to withdraw the leaflets from circulation."

Here are some of Mr Singh's jokes:

:: What is the technical name for three days of horrendous weather followed by bright sunshine? A Welsh Bank Holiday!

:: What do you call a sheep with no legs? A Cloud!

:: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no!

:: What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have No-I-Dear.

Please, can anyone tell me why Nanny dislikes these jokes (aside from the fact they are very bad!)?

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Nanny Bans Carols

Poor old Carol, what did she do to annoy Nanny?

Banned left right and centre!

Yes folks, the old jokes are always the best!

Anyhoo, children in the choir from Arthur Bugler County Junior School in Stanford-le-Hope Essex were a tad disappointed recently. They had practiced hard to perform some carols at the Corringham Winter Festival. However, there was one small fly in their oinkment.

Can you guess what that was?

Yes, that's right, they were to perform carols.

What is wrong with carols?, I hear you ejaculate (can I say ejaculate so close to Christmas?).

Carols my dear readers are religious; the organisers of the festival didn't want anything religious, lest it spoilt the flavour of the festival.

How very petty of the organisers!

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Nanny Bans Brownies

Oh dear, Nanny has set her gimlet eye upon that most harmless of institutions the Brownies. Specifically, Nanny has it in for the girls of the West Herts Guides Division in the Hemel Hempstead area.

For why, what have these girls (age range 5 to teen) done that has so enraged Nanny?

They have sung carols (as they have done for more than 20 years) for pensioners and disabled people at a late night Christmas shopping event at the Marlowes centre in Hemel Hempstead.

All well and good, except Nanny's chums who run the shopping centre have not invited them to perform this year.

For why?

Health and Safety!

Seemingly, despite the fact they have performed there for 20 years, this year it was deemed unsafe because they might block fire escape routes.

An odd decision really, given that everything that Nanny claims she does has a "child centric focus".

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Nanny Bans Panto - Health and Safety

"Oh No You Didn't!

Oh Yes I Did!"

Ah tis panto season again, the time when middle aged men dress as women, attractive young women dress in tights posing as men and get to kiss/make out with the leading lady who is also an attractive young woman....and we take our children to watch this.

This time honoured tradition has been going on for centuries, and nothing has stopped it until now. For you see dear readers, Nanny has got the wind up her bloomers over the health and safety issues of panto.

The panto players of Peterculter, Aberdeenshire, have performed for the last 17 years in their local village hall without any problems until now when Nanny's chums from Aberdeen City Council recently threatened them with a police raid.

For why?

Cross dressing adults?

No!

Woman to woman kissing?

No!

The show contravenes health and safety laws, because the show (Aladdin) was not licensed. The council had claimed the show did not have a "proper licence" under rules laid down in 1968.

Peterculter Theatre Club has a public entertainment licence for the show, but not a theatre licence (which would take 3 weeks to process).

One might ask why it is that this rule has only just been thrown in their face by the the council?

A spokesman for the Council said it had a duty to report licensing breaches to the police. In true Nanny style he said:

"We have no discretion in this matter. There is a minimum 14-day notice period for application for a theatre licence, which is laid down by statute and cannot be waived.

The legislation is in place to ensure the safety of people attending public buildings. In respect of a theatre licence, this includes checks on technical issues such as moving parts on stage, lighting safety curtains etc.

All of these have the potential to go wrong with serious implications for public safety."

Only obeying orders!

Surely the hall has a fire certificate etc?

Seemingly some form of solution was agreed upon, re the firebrigade checking all was in order, and the show went ahead.

Why could the council not have come up with that solution in the first place?

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The Xmas Lights

Nanny's reign over us is achieved by a variety of means:

1 She passes laws and rules that inhibit our freedoms.

2 She employs a vast army of "helpers" to enforce her rules and to spy on us.

3 She allows others to "interpret" her rules, and to apply them in a fashion that is over and above the letter of the law. As and when someone realises that in fact the "rule" being applied doesn't exist, Nanny shrugs her shoulders and blames one of her overenthusiastic little helpers.

Such a case happened to Dorothy Glenn from South Shields.

One of Nanny's little trolls, in the form of a Homes Worker from Mrs Glenn's housing association run by the council, who told her to remove her Christmas lights lest they offend her non-Christian neighbours.

Mrs Glenn decorates her home in South Shields with hundreds of festive lights every year, including a giant tree and a 4ft Santa Claus.

Now I can understand that noisy, bright decorations might annoy people (eg if they can't sleep, or if they attract thousands of people to gawp). However, given that trees and Santa Claus have zero religious connotations (many non Christian families put up a tree in their homes during Christmas) the use of the "religious offence" excuse is flimsy.

However, can you guess what folks?

The ruling turned out to be bollocks.

The housing association apologised to Mrs Glenn, and backtracked claiming that removing Christmas lights was not part of their policy.

I wonder, if they would have backtracked if this story had not been made public?

Independent councillor Ahmed Khan, who represents Mrs Glenn's ward, also thought the ban was bollocks:

"Every year this woman puts her Christmas lights up and I know how popular they are. It's great when people make an effort to decorate their houses.

It's this kind of nonsense that sets race relations back 20 years. That woman did nothing more than decorate her house to celebrate Christmas."

Local councils are run for the benefit of those whom they employ, and to propagate half arsed political dogmas, not the people who vote for them.

It is time that local councils were restructured to serve the people who vote for them, and who pay council taxes.

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Nanny Bans Rattle

As we approach Christmas, town centres across the country are the venue for all manner of charity collectors. One organisation that is very much a part of this scene is the Salvation Army.

This year they are having a weeny bit of a problem with Nanny. Nanny has decreed that whilst the Sally Army can perform, and still collect money, it cannot and must not rattle its collecting cans.

For why?

The rattling of the cans, according to Nanny, may offend other religions.

Nanny's councils and police even have the power to enforce the no-rattle rule.

Personally speaking I find it offensive that TV adverts have been ramming Christmas down our throats since September, one can have too much of a good thing, but I don't see Nanny rushing to stop that.

We live in very strange times indeed!

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Nanny Bans Fags For Terminally Ill

We all know that Nanny is a mean spirited individual, preferring to stick to the letter of her rule book rather then exercise compassion and commonsense. However, this act of meanspiritedness goes way beyond the norm even for her.

Nanny's NHS board members of South Birmingham Primary Care Trust are fighting to ban a smoking room in the Shedlon Unit for terminally ill patients, should the dying wish to smoke they will have to do it outside.

The Sheldon Unit is a palliative care home for patients dying from lung cancer and other diseases. The board have decreed that plans to upgrade the smoking room with a new ventilation system will come to now't.

Dr Chris Spencer-Jones, South Birmingham public health director, said that he did not care if lifelong smokers were dying, they would not be allowed to smoke indoors.

"It doesn't matter if patients might be terminally ill.

That is not relevant because there are other units where such patients cannot smoke.

The practise at the Sheldon Unit is unacceptable."

Not much of a bedside "Dr Finlay" manner is it?

Even those condemned to execution are allowed a last fag, why not those undergoing the prolonged agony of terminal cancer?

The NHS describes the Sheldon Unit as a service that provides "choice, privacy, dignity and autonomy" enabling patients to die in comfort and dignity.

Errmmm...really?

Nanny likes to pretend that she cares about our welfare.

Does she fark!

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Nanny Bans Words - Rhubarb

Shades of Nu Speak and 1984 have reared their ugly heads in the new Junior Dictionary published by the Oxford University Press.

The following words have been removed:

Carol, cracker, holly, ivy, mistletoe

Dwarf, elf, goblin

Abbey, aisle, altar, bishop, chapel, christen, disciple, minister, monastery, monk, nun, nunnery, parish, pew, psalm, pulpit, saint, sin, devil, vicar

Coronation, duchess, duke, emperor, empire, monarch, decade

adder, ass, beaver, boar, budgerigar, bullock, cheetah, colt, corgi, cygnet, doe, drake, ferret, gerbil, goldfish, guinea pig, hamster, heron, herring, kingfisher, lark, leopard, lobster, magpie, minnow, mussel, newt, otter, ox, oyster, panther, pelican, piglet, plaice, poodle, porcupine, porpoise, raven, spaniel, starling, stoat, stork, terrapin, thrush, weasel, wren.

Acorn, allotment, almond, apricot, ash, bacon, beech, beetroot, blackberry, blacksmith, bloom, bluebell, bramble, bran, bray, bridle, brook, buttercup, canary, canter, carnation, catkin, cauliflower, chestnut, clover, conker, county, cowslip, crocus, dandelion, diesel, fern, fungus, gooseberry, gorse, hazel, hazelnut, heather, holly, horse chestnut, ivy, lavender, leek, liquorice, manger, marzipan, melon, minnow, mint, nectar, nectarine, oats, pansy, parsnip, pasture, poppy, porridge, poultry, primrose, prune, radish, rhubarb, sheaf, spinach, sycamore, tulip, turnip, vine, violet, walnut, willow

Why?

Errmmm...don't people from multi ethnic backgrounds use words like "rhubarb" then?

Absolutely potty!

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MPs Recommend Using Anti Terror Legislation

MPs recommend that HMRC use anti terror legislation.

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Nanny Bans Fag Displays

Nanny's ban on the display of fags will do now't to reduce the levels of smoking. Bans, whether they are of fags, drugs, sex or fast foods, merely make the product/service all the more appealing.

When will Nanny learn this?

Given that many MPs are unhealthy, overweight, substance abusers I find it a bit rich that they are telling us how to live our lives.

We are all destined to die one day, how and when we choose to do it are our own affair.

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Knobheads of The Year - Thanet Council

Even I, a man who is well used to Nanny's stupidity, was a tad gobsmacked when I read what Nanny's "we are only obeying orders" twats in Thanet Council did to Lazaris Michael (76 years old) recently.

Indeed I am so gobsmacked that I am awarding Thanet council my ultra prestigious, and much coveted, "Knobheads of The Year" Award.

What have they done to deserve such an award?

Pin back your lugholes dear readers, and I will relate a sorry tale of Thanet Council's arrogance and pigheadedness.

Mr Michael was minding his own business shopping in Margate and having a fag, when some policemen accidentally knocked his fag out of his hand as they rushed to nick two girls who were trying to leg it from a branch of Boots.

So far so good.

Mr Michael, being a responsible citizen (and not happy to waste a good fag), then bent down to pick it up...

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, before he could retrieve his fag as if by magic a council warden appeared and blinky blonky blimey issued him with a fixed penalty notice of £60 for littering.

Now at this stage one might have thought that, aside from the warden being a jobsworth "I'm only following orders" knobhead, the council would have used some commonsense and not followed this up.

Oh deary me, how wrong you are!

The council, being a bunch of thickheaded, obstinate knobheads chose to ignore his pleas for commonsense and are threatening him with a larger fine of £80 if he does not pay up.

Thanet Council when confronted showed no remorse, their environment chief Shirley Tomlinson said:

"We are happy with the process that has been followed.

Thanet Council's campaign warns people the council will take a zero tolerance approach to anyone who drops litter, including cigarette butts and chewing gum.

If spotted, no excuses will be accepted. You will be handed a fine.

It is therefore important to dispose of any litter in the right way.

Our wardens have been doing what they have been instructed to do and we cannot make any allowances."

By their own words so they have condemned themselves.

Let us reciprocate and show no mercy to these self important martinets, who choose to abandon the normal rules of mercy and commonsense that ought to be used in abundance by our elected officials.

- No more should we kowtow to these people.

- No more should we accept their "authority" over us.

- No more should we vote them back into office.

At every opportunity should we obstruct, and gum up the system. Use Nanny's "zero tolerance" approach against Nanny and her minions.

Local councils are the enemy of the people, they should be treated with absolute contempt!

Thanet Council well deserving Knobheads of The Year!

Now here's a funny thing:)

Can you guess children which party runs Thanet?

Yes, that's right, it's the Tory Party...again!

I don't know about you, but I am getting pig sick of writing about local council stupidity and rigid petty mindedness, only to find that it's not Zanu Labour but the Tories behaving like dickheads.

Well folks I give the Tory Party full and fair notice that even if it costs them the next election, unless they get their act together and clearly demonstrate to us that they have a workable plan for rolling back the frontiers of the state (and bring their councils to heel) I will use all my efforts to cause a "train wreck" in their election plans.

I would also like to remind them that I own the domain names laboursleaze.com and torysleaze.com.

You know the format by now folks, drop Cameron a line telling him your views of the Tory party.

Use this link: Cameron

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RIPA - Not Dead Yet

It seems that earlier reports of the demise of the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) being used by our "respected" (lets be frank, I mean "loathed") local councils to spy on us were somewhat premature.

Nanny's Gestapo from Cambridgeshire County Council have used RIPA to spy on eight paperboys thought to be working without permits.

Council spies were sent undercover to spy on the local Spar shop in the village of Melbourn, and take notes on the movements of the boys.

For why?

The council used the evidence gathered to prosecute the shop's owners for employing five of the boys (all over 13 years old) without the correct documentation.

In Cambridgeshire it is against the law to employ children without a series of forms being filled in, the owners of the shop made an administrative mistake and did not complete all the necessary documentation.

Why so much paperwork?

It seems that Nanny believes that carrying newspapers presents a health and safety risk, also working before 7AM is verboten.

Gosh, 7AM...yes that is early isn't it?

Heaven forefend that anyone has to work at that ungodly hour!

The owners of the shop have been given a six-month conditional discharge.

No doubt the citizens of Cambridgeshire feel safer in their beds knowing that RIPA is being used to protect them from the terrorist threat of paperboys working without permits.

A truly loathsome use of RIPA. The councillors should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

By the way, can you guess which party runs Cambridgeshire?

Yes, that's right, yet again it's the Tories!

You know the format by now, tell Cameron he will lose the next election if he doesn't show that he intends to draw back the frontiers of the state and get control of his local councils.

Use this link: Cameron

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Fag Facism

Not content with banning smoking in the workplace and other public areas, the fag fascists have now set their beady eyes on foster parents.

Redbridge council, another one of this country's "respected" local authorities, is mulling plans to ban foster parents from fostering if they smoke (irrespective of the age - currently local authtorites ban smokers from fostering under 5's - or circumstances of the child).

The fag fascists insist that the benefits of "protecting" children from passive smoking outweigh the emotional and possible physical damage done to the child by leaving it in the clutches of the Nanny state and its social services.

It should be noted that there is in fact a shortage of 10,000 foster carers in the UK.

However, as a wily old bird once said:

"The end justifies the means".

Remind me again, who said that?

Oh yes, I remember...he was a smoker though.



It is likely that if Redbridge go ahead with this, other "respected" councils will follow.

Twats!

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Prats of The Week - Christmas Postponed For Eid

Congratulations to those running Greenwood Junior School in Nottingham, for winning this week's Prats of The Week Award.

The powers that be at the school decided that running a school nativity play, and celebrating Eid (which lasts only two days) was simply too much bother. Their solution was to send out letters saying that the Nativity play was cancelled.

Unsurprisingly a number of parents were a tad pissed off.

Surprisingly the school hadn't anticipated the reaction, and hastily tried to back peddle claiming there had been a misunderstanding and sent out another letter. The second letter said that the play would be postponed to the New Year.

Errmm...what use is a Nativity play in New Year?

Given that Eid lasts but two days the school, had they used a little bit of imagination, could have still put on the play.

Did they not think of the negative PR that this decision and letters would generate?

Did anyone really think of the consequences of their actions?

It seems not.

The powers that be at Greenwood Junior School, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Trip Hazard

Be warned the Health and Safety Gestapo have donned their jackboots again and are back to their favourite subject, the alleged "trip hazard" posed by welcome mats.

Residents of the rather amusinbgly named "Revenge House" block of flats, at The Anchorage, Gosport have recently been told by the Gestapo in their local council to remove their welcome mats lest someone trip over them.

Residents who do not remove the mats have been threatened with court action, and possible eviction.

Ironically Cllr Keith Gill, the head of the council's housing board, thinks that this is a load of bollocks:

"I would be very opposed to any kind of legal action taking place over this. I think that would be heavy handed.

This is really sending out the wrong message and there are more important things that the council should be worrying about."

Well said sir!

Even Tom Mullarkey, chief executive of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, was against the mat ban.

"The application of common sense and balance is much more reasonable than the seeking of mindless increments towards absolute safety."

The extent of the council's stupidity is highlighted by the fact that instead of applying a blanket ban on all mats (which at least would be consistent with their daft policy), they intend to waste time and resources by assessing the risk posed by each mat on an individual basis.

What a complete bunch of knobheads!

Let's face it, local councils really are the pits.

Rather amusingly my own local branch of LA Fitness is using the "trip hazard" as an excuse for not putting anti slip matting around the sides of their swimming pool, I am sure that this is nothing to do with saving money.

Good luck to them in the courts if someone slips on the wet tiles, as I and others have nearly done, and breaks a few bones.

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The Police State We Live In

Those of you who are dismissing the arrest by 9 counter terrorism officers of Damian Green and the strip searching of Sally Murrer by Thames Valley police as being aberrations in the use of the police by the state, and not of relevance to ordinary people carrying on their ordinary everyday activities, should consider what happened to Brett Duxfield.

Mr Duxfield organised that Bonfire Night celebrations on the village green at Elwick, this went off as it usually does without a hitch.

However, two days later Nanny's police came a calling at Mr Duxfield's home, after a complaint by someone on the Parish Council (name unknown - doubtless a very "pleasant" individual) that a 130 year old bylaw banning fires on the green had been broken. Mr Duxfield was taken by polcie from his home at 8am, and had his DNA and fingerprints taken.

Couldn't such an absurd alleged offence been dealt with in a more sensible manner?

By the way, guess how many officers turned up on Bonfire night to observe the proceedings?

Two?

No!

Six?

No!

More than the Nine used to arrest Damian Green?

Yes!

According to Mr Duxfield, fourteen officers arrived at the green in uniform and protective clothing. Seemingly they were there for people's "safety".

Two days later three officers arrested him ,and he was held in police custard until 6.15PM that day.

Mr Duxfield has now appeared before Hartlepool magistrates, and was granted bail after the case was adjourned.

Errmmm...am I alone in thinking that all of this is somewhat over the top?

PS, you will be pleased to know the the villagers have extracted some form of vengeance on the Parish Council. A public meeting was held and two councillors have been forced to resign.

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ZaNu Labour

Whilst we are on the subject of the heavy handed use by the state of the police (9 counter terrorism officers used to arrest Damian Green), why was Sally Murrer, a reporter on the Milton Keynes Citizen newspaper, strip searched by Thames Valley Police when they were investigating her for obtaining police information illegally?

Note, the court threw the case out.

Gordon "Smiler" Brown is a foul tempered bully, who ironically has used leaks in the past to further his rise to power, it seems that his bullying "leadership style" is now being emulated by the state police.

ZaNu Labour are destroying the freedoms that took centuries of spilt blood to be won by the people of Britain.

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