A Nice Little Earner - Double Charge For ID Cards

Nanny's much derided id card scheme has been revealed as cheap and slimy way to make money.

Those of you who are undergoing a sex change will be allowed two cards, one in each gender. However, you will have to pay twice.

Women who want to change their names when they marry will have to pay £100, and will have to update their entry on the new ID cards database and pay £30 if they want a card with their husband's surname.

Refusing to update the ID database of any change in circumstance, eg a new address, will result in a minimum fine of £125 rising to a maximum of £1,000.

Fines, which can be issued by post, email or fax, will also apply if cardholders fail to report lost or stolen cards.

Replacement cards will cost £30.

A nice little earner!

Kerching!

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A Wake Up Call

Now that this has happened to one of their own, perhaps the Tory party will finally wake up to what Nu Labour has done to our rights and freedoms over that last 11 years and fight to roll back the state?

Nine counter terrorism officers to arrest one MP!!!

Have the police gone mad?

Full article from The Telegraph

David Cameron today criticised the decision to use counter-terrorist police to arrest the shadow immigration minister, Damian Green, after he published leaked documents allegedly sent to the Tories by a government whistleblower.

The Conservative leader said that it was "a worrying stage in our democracy" if shadow ministers could not release information in the national interest.

"If this had happened in the 1930s, Churchill would have been arrested," said Cameron, in a reference to the way Winston Churchill used leaked information to support his campaign for Britain to rearm against Adolf Hitler's Germany.

Cameron also said that ministers needed to explain what they knew in advance about the decision to arrest Green, who was held for nine hours before being arrested without charge.

"These are extraordinary and frankly rather worrying circumstances," Cameron said this morning.

"What seems to be the case is that [Green] was arrested for making public information that the government didn't want to have made public."

Phil Woolas, a Home Office minister, said that as far as he knew ministers did not know that the police were going to arrest Green before it happened.

Asked to comment on the arrest in an interview on BBC Radio 4's Today programme, Woolas said that the police had said it had been in relation to "conspiracy" to commit misconduct in public office and that the situation therefore might not be as "straightforward" as some people thought. But he stressed that he did not have special knowledge of the case.

"While I know nothing about the case, that's the charge. Therefore I think the wisest thing to do is to what and see what happens," Woolas said.

Green was taken into custody at about 1.50pm in his Ashford constituency in Kent and escorted to a central London police station. At around 11pm, as the Tories accused the authorities of a "perverse sense of priorities" for using counter-terrorism officers to arrest an MP while terrorists attacked Mumbai, Green was released on unconditional bail to return at a date in February for further questioning.

A "tired and angry" Green said early this morning: "I was astonished to have spent more than nine hours under arrest for doing my job. I emphatically deny that I have done anything wrong. I have many times made public information that the government wanted to keep secret, information that the public has a right to know.

"In a democracy, opposition politicians have a duty to hold the government to account. I was elected to the House of Commons precisely to do that and I certainly intend to continue doing so."

Green's defiant statement came at the end of a day in which nine counter-terrorism officers conducted simultaneous searches at four locations: Green's constituency office and home in Ashford, his office in the House of Commons and his London home.

The MP was arrested under common law for "on suspicion of conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office and aiding and abetting, counselling or procuring misconduct in a public office".

The police action followed the arrest 10 days ago of a government whistleblower who allegedly leaked four documents to Green, who then passed them to the press. Cameron was convinced that such a move would have to be approved at top political levels. A Tory source said: "David Cameron is angry. This is Stalinesque."

Labour sources indicated that neither the prime minister nor the home secretary, Jacqui Smith, knew about the arrest. Gordon Brown only learned of it around three hours later. Sources said it was "preposterous" to suggest that ministers would have approved the arrest. The Metropolitan police denied any ministerial involvement.

Cameron and the mayor of London, Boris Johnson, were informed that Green would be arrested. Johnson reportedly asked Sir Paul Stephenson, the deputy commissioner of the Metropolitan police, whether he was sure that he needed to arrest Green, who could have been questioned.

George Osborne, the shadow chancellor, told the BBC: "I think it is extraordinary that the police have taken that decision. It has long been the case in our democracy that MPs have received information from civil servants. To hide information from the public is wrong."

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Hypocritical Knobhead of The Year

Congratulations to Nanny's schools' minister, Jim Knight, for winning my new and prestigious award "Hypocritical Knobhead of The Year".

Knight, in true Nanny form, chose to lecture parents that they shouldn't let their kids spend so long in front of the computer and should stop kids from "cultivating their empire of Faecesbook friends".

Maybe so...

However, there is one small fly in Knight's oinkment.

Can you guess what that is children?

Yes, that's right, Knight has a Faecesbook account himself...with over 900 "friends".

Jim Knight, well deserving winner of Hypocritical Knobhead of The Year.

By the way, should someone wearing a beret like that be allowed anywhere near a school?

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Nanny Bans Rafts

Our "favourite" organ of Nanny, the Health and Safety Gestapo, have donned their jackboot again.

This time they have put the mockers on the River Rother Raft Race (try saying that when you have had a skinful). This is a charity raft race, which has never suffered a serious accident in its 27 year history. However, Nanny (in the shape of the council and police) has put her hobnails into it and insisted that:

- competitors wear £35 sea-going life jackets (they do wear buoyancy aids, and it's not the sea),
- lavatories be provided for the disabled,
- the 3.75-mile course be fenced to stop spectators falling in

Lat year it raised £13K for charity. However, no more money will be raised as the demands made by Nanny are simply too much for the organisers.

Another local event/custom destroyed by Nanny and her dreaded Health and Safety Gestapo.

Nanny will not be content until we are all placed in cotton wool coffins.

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Looking For Work

Cab anyone help this poor chap out who is soon to be made redundant?

Here is his resume.

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Prats of The Week - Let The Kids Run The Classroom

Ooh my gosh, another "Prats of The Week" Award one day after my last one, Nanny really has excelled herself this week!

Anyhoo, this award goes to the Liberal Democrats and Nu Labour (for listening to the Liberal Democrats).

The Libs have been beguiled by an a Ofsted survey that says that a third of pupils do not believe they are properly listened to by their schools.

Errmmm...so what?

I recall, at the tender age of 16.5, attending a sixth form/Masters forum at my old school and asking for a bar to be opened in school.

The result?

Zilch!

I was ignored!

Anyhoo the Libs are having none of this and have tabled an amendment to the educashun bill, that has been accepted by Nu Labour; whereby kids as young as five will win the legal right to tell teachers how they should be taught and disciplined for bad behaviour. They will have a say in the running of their schools, from the uniforms they wear to the meals they eat.

In the House of Lords, Children's Minister Baroness Morgan said:

"As a minimum, schools should seek and take account of pupils' views on policies on the delivery of the curriculum, behaviour, the uniform, school food, health and safety, equalities and sustainability, not simply on what colour to paint the walls."

Completely potty!

Why not just let the kids teach themselves, and be done with the whole expensive business of paying adult teachers?

The Libs and Nu Labour, well deserving "Prats of The Week"!

By the way, does this mean that I can now ask my old school to open that bar then?

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Prats of The Week - Nanny Bans Cycles

You know how Nanny keeps entreating us to exercise more, so that we don't become a nation of fat bastards?

You would have thought therefore that Nanny would have been well supportive of Sam O'Shea (10 years old) who wanted to cycle to St Paul's Primary School in Portsmouth, wouldn't you?

Well my old muckers, you would be wrong.

St Paul's banned him from cycling, claiming:

1 They had nowhere to store bicycles, and

2 The roads were too dangerous to cycle on in the area.

Here's why the above reasons are complete bollocks:

1 Sam and his parents were on TV last night discussing the issue face to face with one of the governors and headmistress of the school (in front of the school gates), it was a rather testy discussion with the headmistress saying "you don't want to see it from our point of view". Sam pointed to a purpose built storage area for bikes that had been erected (can I say "erected"?) only recently; they do have storage facilities.

2 It's not the school's responsibility to dictate to parents what is safe/unsafe outwith the school gates. Sam's parents are the ones who must decide if the roads are safe for him to cycle to school.

St Paul's Primary School, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Nanny is Off Her Trolley

Nanny reached new heights of stupidity recently, when one of her underlings banned an elderly lady from boarding a bus because her shopping trolley was considered to be a health and safety hazard.

Glenys Hughes, 76 and recovering from replacement knee surgery, tried to board a Stagecoach bus to take her up a steep hill to her home in Lydney in the Forest of Dean. However, the bus driver informed her that the trolley was a health and safety hazard and would not let her board; thus forcing her to walk for 45 minutes.

Stagecoach have apologised for the driver's knobheaded behaviour.

Another example of how badly the elderly are treated by Nanny and her minions.

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RIP RIPA?

I see that Nanny has got something of the wind up her skirt over the public reaction against our "respected" local councils using the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) to spy on people wrt dog mess, dustbin "crimes" and other local trivia.

Home Orifice minister Vernon Coaker told a House of Lords committee that Nanny was considering how to limit the use of RIPA, which was set up to tackle terrorism.

Coaker said:

"We don't want to see legislation available for local authorities to use with respect to serious crime being used... for example, in respect of dog-fouling.

That's something we need to address. We have to stop some of these things happening that do undermine support."

Quite!

The trouble is anyone with half a brain could have told Nanny that Blunkett (who allowed councils to use RIPA from 2003) was opening a can of worms, and that RIPA would be abused in this way.

The more powers you give the state and its organs, the more tempted they are to use them.

Labour peer Lord Peston agreed:

"If these powers are being used for local authorities to search my dustbins, isn't the danger that you lose public support... in the area for which you most need public support, namely the anti-terrorism and anti-crime thing?"

OK, so that's all very comforting, the question is will Nanny stop local councils from using RIPA?

Don't hold your breath, this is just a comforting PR exercise designed to lull us to sleep.

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Scuttlebutt

Here is a little piece of rather old scuttlebutt that I have only just been told about, by an ex forces bloke I was chatting to yesterday.

I have no way of knowing how true it is, and would be happy to hear opinions from any serving members of the armed forces as to its veracity.

Seemingly when Bliar was still PM and he made his last visit to Iraq, to meet the troops, special security measures were taken.

No surprises there then?

Ermmm...well yes actually...here is the unusual added security measures taken..

Those British troops who were due to see him when he spoke in some hall had their weapons removed.

For why?

It seems that some of those serving in Iraq consider Bliar and Nu Labour to be traitors, for the shambles of Iraq, and that there were very real concerns that one of them would shoot him.

As noted I have no idea how true this is, and would welcome input from anyone who was actually present during Bliar's last visit to Iraq as PM.

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Two Fingers To School Fingerprinting

I see that another school has opted to join Nanny's "Take Children's Fingerprints" scheme:

"Apparently my kids' school is introducing thumb-print readers in the dinner queue, as a means of checking who's entitled to a dinner and who isn't. The deal is that you send a cheque up front to pay for your children's dinners, and the school takes your child's thumb print. Wrong thumb print --> no dinner.

Why do I get the nasty feeling that this is the start of something really sinister, and a back-door way of getting everyone's dabs onto some sort of national database ? Why do I worry about the security of the data? Why do I worry what else about my children the State will be demanding?

Have I been living too long under ZaNu Labour?"

Source Wombleontour

Given Nanny's "ability" to lose data, I wonder quite how safe the database of prints really is?

I also wonder what Nanny will try to do with them, aside from merely checking to see if the kid has paid for his/her lunch?

Parents who are concerned about the fingerprinting of pupils in this manner should at the very least ask the school to prove that the database is secure, that the prints will only be used to verify lunch payments and to confirm that the prints are deleted as and when the kid stops having lunches.

The bottom line is that the state cannot be trusted, and the more information (seemingly harmless) that it collects about us the more it will be tempted to use it against us.

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Nanny's Nasty Little Database

Nanny knows that the best way to control a population is to build up a database of information about every citizen.

Trying to do this overtly, via her much derided id card scheme, appears to have failed. Therefore Nanny has set upon building up her database covertly, without the consent of the voters.

Over one million profiles of children have been added to Nanny's DNA database since it was set up. The database holds 1,066,896 profiles of people who were under 18 when their genetic fingerprints were collected; this figure includes more than 110,000 under-13s, and more than 600,000 people aged 14 or younger.

Why are we allowing Nanny to do this to us?

You do realise that there is a very real danger that Labour will win the next election?

We face the very real prospect of dictatorship, albeit by faceless unelected bureaucrats rather than brown shirted thugs, if Labour are returned to office at the next election.

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Prat of The Week - Bob Walmsley

Gosh I feel the urge to award another "Prat of The Week" Award, only 24 hours after awarding the last one.

What can have so stirred me to make such an award?

Why none other than good old Auntie (the BBC), in the shape of Bob Walmsley of BBC Radio Northampton.



Walmsley, who hosts the station's consumer affairs programme, decided to abandon journalistic principles; and publicly air his petty minded prejudices on air last week, when he interviewed Forest spokesman Neil Rafferty about Redbridge Council's pathetic decision to ban smokers from fostering.

Walmsley compared placing a child with foster parents who smoke, to placing a child with alcoholics. He also stated that smokers were unfit parents.

Good old Auntie, showing her impartiality as ever!

Walmsley has now been forced to eat crow and now apologise:

"I gave an opinion comparing alcoholics to smokers. This was an unfair comparison to make and if this has caused offence I am genuinely sorry about that. It was not my intention."

So that's alright then?

Walmsley, well deserving Prat of The Week.

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Prat of The Week - The Home Economics Minister

Tis a Monday morning, the birds are wheezing and the skies are grey..time to award my world famous and internationally renowned "Prat of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to Nanny's Home Economics Minister, Jacqui Smith.

Ms Smith has evidently had a rush of blood to the head, or is suffering from some form of delusion that she can change thousands of years of human socio economic history and human nature itself.

Her plan?

Banning prostitution (in a round about sort of way) and cutting down the number of lap dancing clubs (re the clubs...ermm didn't many of these sprout up during Labour's many years in orifice?).

Anyhoo, Ms Smith's great plan is that she will fine men who pay for sex with prostitutes who are "controlled".

Under the new offence, men would not be able to claim in court that they had not known the prostitute had a pimp or a drug habit.

"It won't be enough to say, 'I didn't know'.

What I hope people will say is, 'I am not actually going to take the risk if there is any concern that this woman hasn't made a free choice.' It would be quite difficult for a man paying for sex in the majority of cases not to fall under this particular offence."

Will she be prosecuting women who pay for sex with other women/men, or is that different in her eyes?

How will the state catch a man paying for sex with a "controlled" person, and prove that the person is "controlled"?

It sounds to me as though Ms Smith doesn't believe that women are capable of managing their own lives or making decisions for themselves without being drug dependent or "controlled".

Patronising isn't she?

Prohibition of booze in the USA didn't work and spawned the Mafia. Despite stringent drugs laws, Britain is awash with drugs and those that control the trade make a nice living.

This has no chance in hell of eliminating/controlling prostitution, the world's oldest profession, all it will do is drive it further underground thus pushing those who are most vulnerable further into danger and spawning further criminal activity.

When will Nanny learn that banning things more often than not causes even more problems?

Jacqui Smith, well deserving Prat of The Week.

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British Snailways

Here's a question for all you fans of British Snailways.

Why when a train arrives at Victoria does the driver keep the doors closed for 15 seconds for health and safety reasons (even though the train has stopped), yet when a train arrives at Brighton does the driver open the doors immediately?

Anyone care to enlighten me about that? Cos I'm farked if I can understand it.

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Fat People Paid To Walk

Given that we are facing the worst recession since 1475 (or there abouts), thanks to Wee Gordie's magnificent mismanagement of the economy and financial regulatory system, I have to ask myself is Nanny's latest idea for spending our tax pounds really the most effective use of our hard pressed resources.

Nanny, as we all know, is hyper ventilating about obesity. Nanny is of the belief that she must stop us from becoming fat, no matter what. As such she has come up with a "terrific" new wheeze.

She will pay "fat" people to walk their kids to school.

Under the scheme people who exercise, which includes walking kids to school, would receive supermarket style vouchers to spend on sports gear and healthy food.

The proposal will be run as a pilot project in Manchester, one of nine areas designated as "healthy towns".

Nanny obsesses about obesity, not because she cares about us but, because she is of the view that it costs money to treat obese people; ie it is a cost saving initiative.

Nanny is partially correct in that treating obesity, directly and indirectly, does cost money. However she ignores a number of key points:

1 Obesity, whatever that really means, is a choice not a disease.

2 Not everyone is obsessed with looking like Kate Moss, nor can they afford the coke to make themselves look like Kate.

3 Some people are happy within their own skins.

4 We should have the right to live our lives as we wish; ie eat, drink, smoke etc without hindrance.

5 Were we all to be made perfect physical specimens by Nanny (eg slim, non smoking, non drinking etc), doubtless we might live longer. However, the costs to Nanny would change from those associated with obesity and cancer treatment to those associated with geriatric care and dementia; ie one cost would be replaced by another.

I should point out that Nanny, as already noted on this site and others, has already given thought to point 5. She hates the old and would sooner they die quickly, neglected and abused in one of her prison camps (formally known as geriatric care wards/homes).

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Spot The Difference

Spot The Difference

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Nanny Bans British

I guess we all knew that this was coming one day, Nanny has banned "British".

The Valleys Race Equality Council (Valrec), a quango associated with Caerphilly council (that's in Wales, which is part of Britain), has warned staff against using the word "British".

For why?

Lest it upset people from Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Asia or China.

Errmm...two flies in their oinkment:

1 Scotland and Wales are British

2 Why would people from Eire, China or Asia be offended at hearing the word British?

Nanny's chums from Caerphilly council are fearful that the word "creates a false sense of unity".

Ermmm...I thought we were unified yonks ago?

Would Nanny prefer that we break apart like some Balkan country, with all the bloodshed and pain that will ensue from such a break up?

Nanny rubs salt further into the wounds by categorising "British" as being as offensive as other terms such as "negro", "spastic" and "half-caste".

I would categorise the people who thought this up as being "knobheads".

Is that offensive?

FYI, Valrec is headed by former Cabinet Minister Ron Davies.

Remember him?

He quit the Government after a spot of bovver on Clapham Common, involving allegations drugs and gay sex. He refers to that incident as a "moment of madness".

I guess we can refer to his recommendations as the same.

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Poppy Sellers Banned

Yesterday was the 90th anniversary of the end of the "Great War". Nanny, true to form, decided to commemorate it in her own special way.

Nanny's chums in the police from the Littlemoor area of Weymouth banned two poppy sellers from selling poppies door to door.

Jan Hinton and Charlotte Warren-Sinclaire have, for the past seven years, raised hundreds of pounds for the Royal British Legion.

However, this year, police banned them from door to door selling on the grounds that they were "bogus callers".

They tried to convince Nanny's police that they were not bogus, by showing their official documents, but were still ordered to leave because a member of the public had complained.

I hope that the member of the public who complained feels proud of himself/herself, and that in the event that we face another war there are people willing to lose their lives to defend that person's right to complain to the police about a trivial matter such as someone selling poppies door to door.

The officers allegedly threatened to "pull the plug" to stop the Legion from selling poppies in the evening if the pair did not cooperate.

Mrs Hinton said:

"We are always polite and never force people into buying them. We have never experienced anything like this so were stunned. They have to respond to suspect callers so we showed them our ID badges, tins and poppy trays.

Their attitude was just unbelievable. They said we couldn't collect after dark and not to collect this week because it was Halloween.

They then said if we carried on, they would pull the plug on the RBL doing house-to-house collections.

I thought I was hearing it wrong. Who do they think they are claiming-they have the authority to make that decision?

They wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my father and all the other people who fought in the war. They ought to be ashamed."

Nanny has no shame, and programs her underlings to follow the letter of the law without employing any common sense or humanity.

Her father, Arthur Pitman, served in the Royal Medical Corps and was a prisoner in Burma.

A Dorset Police spokesman said:

"Many people, particularly the elderly, are worried about bogus callers.

We do not have any problem with legitimate collecting of this kind."

The why ban it, if you don't have a problem with it?

Maybe the person who complained would like to explain himself/herself?

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Food Fascists Ban Greasy Spoons

Nanny's food fascists have donned their jackboots, and are on the march again.

Nanny's environmental health officers in Guildford will inspect the menus of snack vans (parked in lay bys) during routine hygiene checks, they will be looking for fatty food.

Since when was it the role of the environmental health officer to inspect menus for fat content?

Seemingly Nanny wants the vans to limit the amount of mayonnaise served and offer "healthy" foods.

Those traders who do not comply with Nanny's diktat will have their licences revoked.

I was under the naive impression that in this country we had a modest degree of freedom that entitled us to eat what we wanted, when we wanted and where we wanted.

What the fark has it got to do with Nanny if we choose to have a dollop of mayo on our burger and fries?

Councillors at Guildford Borough Council disagree, and insist that every menu has to have at least one healthy option.

The list of recommended food includes low fat grilled sausage with wholemeal bread, chilli con carne with lean mince and jacket potato with a selection of fillings.

We live in a free market economy it is up to the consumer to dictate what is offered by service providers, not Nanny.

Needless to say, Guildford is in fact a Tory borough.

The Tory party just doesn't seem to be able to grasp the point that people don't want state interference in their lives, and seems to be intent on becoming a clone of Nu Labour.

Well folks, you know the procedure, drop Cameron a line and remind him that he will lose the next election at this rate.

Use this link: Cameron

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Booze Matters - No More Happy Hours

I see our "respected" political masters are getting worked up over booze issues again.

Nanny's chums in Parliament (the Home Affairs Select Committee) are calling for an end to happy hours and a minimum price at which booze can be sold in supermarkets, the theory being that we are drinking too much and causing Nanny's police a lot of bovver.

Nanny's chum, Chairman Keith Vaz said:

"We cannot have on one hand a world of alcohol promotions for profit that fuels surges of crime and disorder, and on the other the police diverting all their resources to cope with it."

Here's the thing folks, I might have more respect for the MP's who lecture us about our boozing habits were it not for the following:

1 MP's are generally unfit, overweight and prone to abuse a variety of substances (including booze).

2 MP's are able to purchase heavily subsidised booze (at our expense) in the Palace of Westminster's numerous bars and watering holes.

3 MP's are able to buy booze whenever they want in the Palace of Westminster, as the normal rules of licencing don't apply.

When our MP's subject themselves to the same privations, pricing structures and inconveniences that they wish to try to impose on us then I might have a little more respect for them when they attempt to lecture us about our drinking habits.

Until then, I humbly suggest that they shut the fark up!

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Something For The Weekend - We have Become National Heritage

Off topic I know, but it may amuse you over the weekend.

The British Library wrote to me yesterday, re archiving my websites:

"..The British Library would like to invite you to participate in our web archiving programme.

We select and archive sites to represent aspects of UK documentary heritage and as a result, they will remain available to researchers in the future.

The British Library works closely with leading UK institutions to collect and permanently preserve the UK web..."

Seemingly, and I was not aware of this until they wrote to me, I have become part of the national heritage..I thought one had to be dead for that to happen?

I am sure I haven't died yet, as neither my club nor the Times has announced my death.

Have it large this weekend!

Ken

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Nanny Bans Latin

Nanny's thought police in certain local councils have donned their jackboots again, and are trying to ban certain "elitist" words from being used.

Nanny has taken exception to the use of Latin words, in her view they are elitist and discriminatory (ie her lousy educashun system has failed to provide people with enough wit and brains to look the words up, or know what they mean). As such Nanny has banned her employees from using them, and wants them to use much longer phrases (in English) instead.

Isn't funny how dead headed bureaucrats feel the need to use more words than really necessary when speaking?

Maybe they don't want us to understand what they are talking about?

Isn't that elitist as well?

Nanny's chums in Bournemouth Council, which has the Latin motto Pulchritudo et Salubritas - beauty and health -, has listed 19 terms it no longer considers acceptable for use eg:

- ad hoc
- bona fide
- status quo
- vice versa
- via

Clearly Nanny regards us being highly ignorant if she believes that we cannot grasp what the above words actually mean (especially when used in context), or could it be that her educashun system is now in fact turning out ignoramuses?

The alternatives proposed by Nanny are of course much more complex and cumbersome:

- 'for this special purpose' in place of ad hoc
- 'existing condition' or 'state of things' instead of status quo

As Mary Beard, a Cambridge professor of classics, said:

"This is absolutely bonkers and the linguistic equivalent of ethnic cleansing.

English is and always has been a language full of foreign words. It has never been an ethnically pure language."

Salisbury council has asked staff to avoid the phrases ad hoc, ergo and QED (quod erat demonstrandum), and Fife has banned ad hoc as well as ex officio.

We have become a nation of illiterates!

When you don't know the meaning of a word, use a dictionary to look it up!

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Tea Time

Nanny's special little organ, Envirowise (funded by the Department for Environment Food and Rural Affairs) has got a bee in its bonnet about water being wasted.

A good point!

Gazillions of gallons of water are wasted each year in this country, because our water companies (eg Thames Water) are not upgrading leaking Victorian water mains with sufficient speed.

Therefore one would assume that Envirowise is calling upon the water companies to upgrade the system with due haste.

Ermmm....not quite!

Envirowise is calling on businesses to appoint tea monitors to make sure people do not waste water.

It wants companies to use teapots instead of making individual cups of tea, and hopes to re-introduce tea urns to the workplace.

It has issued an edict:

"Appoint a tea task force or tea monitor to make sure all your office hot drink-making facilities are as efficient as they could be. Only boil the water you use - this will avoid water and energy being wasted."

They add that employees should use a teapot when making a round of hot drinks as this "allows you to measure the correct amount of water you will need, and often tastes nicer than making tea in the cup".

I humbly submit that a greater saving of resources could be made if Envirowise were to be abolished.

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Playing With Your Pussy

Nanny is very concerned that we play with our pussies in the correct way, and provide them with stimulation.

As such The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) has issued a 26 page document on pussy welfare.

Here we are facing the worst recession in decades and Nanny wastes time, money and resources on telling people how to play with their pussies.

Has the world gone mad?

The document warns:

"It is your responsibility to read the complete Code of Practice to fully understand your cat's welfare needs and what the law requires you to do."

It goes on to say that owners must provide their pets with a "suitable place to live" including "somewhere suitable to go to the toilet". It also advises providing a separate litter tray for each cat.

"Cats need opportunities to climb and jump, such as a simple 'platform' type bed or safe access to shelves and the tops of cupboards.

Cats that are not very tame, such as some farm cats, may prefer to live outdoors in more basic shelter but you still need to look after them."

It tells owners to "watch your cat closely for signs of stress or changes in behaviour".

"You should ensure that your cat has enough mental stimulation from you and from its environment to avoid boredom and frustration.

It is your responsibility to provide opportunities for your cat to satisfy all of its behavioural needs, such as play and companionship."

As a pussy lover myself of many years' standing I would suggest that pussies are more than adept at making their own entertainment eg; sleeping, eating, running their owners' lives and chasing mice.

How is it that Nanny now feels the need to intervene in pussy issues?


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Nanny Bans Spleeeling

Oh dear, Nanny is worried about the dangers that educashun might instill a sense of failure in children.

How so?

Surely educashun instills confidence?

Ah, how naive we all are for thinking that!

For you see dear readers, when you teach a child something like spelling what happens if he/she makes a mistake?

In my day I would be made to write the offending word out several times, until I got it right.

Now we live in more enlightened times, Nanny tells us that learning to spell and making mistakes in spelling will give rise to a sense of failure.

I am grateful to Nanny for pointing this out, now that I have reached a ripe and productive middle age I now realise that in fact (because I made spelling mistakes...and still do) I am in fact a failure.

Anyhoo, if you think that I am making this all up think, I would like to direct you Whitminster Endowed Church of England Primary School, near Stroud.

Headmistress Debbie Marklove recently decreed that pupils will not be given lists of words to learn by rote as homework.

For why?

There is a risk that children will feel a "sense of failure" if, having learned the words at home, they were unable to spell them at school the next day.

She has even written to the parents to tell them about the change:

"You will notice that the children will not be given spelling lists to learn over the week and then be tested in class.

We have taken the decision to stop spellings as homework as it is felt that although children may learn them perfectly at home they are often unable to use them in their daily written work.

Also many children find this activity unnecessarily distressing.

The spelling patterns will continue to be taught explicitly in the classroom and assessed as part of the normal marking by the teacher."

Errmmm...how would she have been abel to rite that lettter if she coodent spell proper?

Surely no one would have been able to understand it?

Mrs Marklove went on to dig her own grave by saying:

"If children are given spellings to learn and get five out of five when practising with mum and dad and then only get one out of five the next day at school, it can give them a sense of failure.

I've heard comments in the playground from children asking each other what they got and, where this can be a positive thing when they get five out of five, it can also impound failure."

A small piece of advice for Nanny's teechers, competition is good as it encourages pupils to stretch themselves.

Learning to compete, and fail, is vital in order to be able to interact and succeed in the adult world. Those adults who as children have never tasted failure, and have not picked themselves up afterwards, are usually immature spoilt individuals who cannot cope in the adult world.

Nanny is stunting children's growth by not stretching them in this way.

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Nanny Bans Old People

Nanny views the old and fat in much the same way, of little value and a drain on her time and resources.

Whilst the fat, in Nanny's view, can be bullied into losing weight; the old cannot be made young and productive again.

Therefore it should come as no surprise to learn that Nanny's henchmen from Broomleigh Housing Association, which owns sheltered flats in Mottingham South London, have decreed that the benches that a group of elderly residents sit on to have a chat may be removed.

For why?

Seemingly the noise of them talking annoys other nearby residents.

Nanny believes that the elderly residents who sit and chat on the benches are being an anti-social nuisance.

The housing association claims that has received several complaints over the past two years about noise from the group, the oldest of whom is aged 96.

Ann Reddy, 69, said:

"How could I possibly be capable of anti-social behaviour?

When I told my doctor that we might be having our benches taken away, he asked me if I had been drinking. We don't drink and sit on walls throwing cans of lager around the place.

We don't sing in the middle of the night. It's unbelievable."

Julie Schoon, assistant director of supported housing at Broomleigh, said:

"As a registered social landlord we are responsible for ensuring that any complaints of noise nuisance or other forms of antisocial behaviour are acted upon.

Following a number of complaints from residents over the last two years we have worked hard to try to mediate between those involved.

We are very reluctant to remove any of the benches and would view this as a last resort. We are currently talking to residents and considering various solutions to try to resolve the issue."

The lesson from this sorry little tale is clear, once you become old you are considered to be a bloody nuisance and a waste of space.

They shoot horses don't they?

I suspect that were the "chatters" to be under the age of 16 (and thus falling within the "what about the children?" child centric policy of Nanny) the benches would most certainly not be removed.

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