Nanny's Home Delivery

Nanny is concerned about the welfare of all of her charges, and she is keen to show that even the most feeble low life is treated by her with "respect" and "love".

As such is should come as no surprise to read that a week or so ago Barry Chambers, a fugitive from the long arm of the law, was given some extra special treatment by Nanny.

Chambers, a suspected car thief, was pursued by police in car then on foot until he climbed up a drainpipe onto a roof in Gloucester City.

He spent around 20 hours up there, during this time he took it upon himself to dismantle a chimney and hurl bricks at officers and passers-by.

Residents had to be moved from nearby houses, for their own safety as the situation became increasingly dangerous.

However, have no fear, Nanny was soon on the scene. She ordered her police force to ensure that Chambers' human rights were not breached; consequently he was sent a nice box of Kentucky Fired Chicken, some fags and a can of Pepsi.

The can was rejected and he demanded a 2 litre bottle instead, Nanny duly obliged.

Gloucestershire Police said that, although he was being "a nuisance", they still had to look after his well-being and human rights.

Now of course, before you all react with anger about how this man was so well treated; do remember that Nanny regards fags, fried chicken and fizzy drinks as evil.

She was not trying to help him, but kill him. As the saying goes "killing with kindness".

Educashun

Goodness me, what an outpouring of discourse "The Mass Debate" caused yesterday!

Anyhoo, may I tear you away from the mechanics of projectiles and divert your attention to Nanny and her works?

This little vignette sounds almost so implausible that I thought someone was "'aving a larf" with me. Regrettably it is 100% true.

One of Nanny's chums, Dr Mike Reddy a senior lecturer in computing and engineering at the University of Wales, wants to engender trust and respect in his students.

Er, why?

I have no idea, but the method he has chosen will do no more than to make him look like a twat in their eyes.

He has decided to let them set their own final-year exam, and also to take notes into the exam hall in case they could not answer their own questions.

What???? I hear you ejaculate (oh dear, there's that word before the 9PM watershed).

Yes folks, not only do his students get to set the exam, just in case they really are too thick and dumb they can also take their own notes in to answer their own questions!

Beggars belief doesn't it?

Dr Reddy claims that it is better than "the common practice" of recycling old exam papers, or giving "strong hints" about content. Well, none of the exams I took were recycled; but then again, my lecturers and teachers actually took some pride in their work.

He said:

"We all wanted the chance to show the research we had put into the subject.

Some people would suggest that an open-book exam is open to plagiarism.

I would counter that by the fact that the students felt a trust and respect from our collaboration."

Prof Alan Smithers, the director of the centre for education and employment research at Buckingham University, said that this was a load of old bollocks (or rather he implied it:)):

"Final degree exams recognise achievement and provide accurate information about how well the student has done.

They are high stakes and competitive and should be carried out under invigilated standards."

In the same spirit, Nanny Knows Best is proud to announce its own degree scheme. Those of you who want to award themselves a first class degree in Nanny Studies should send a cheque addressed to the Ken Frost "build a holiday villa in Spain" fund.

It is not only fun, novel, exciting and challenging; it is compulsory!

The Mass Debate

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My word, it does seems that my article yesterday about Nanny teaching children about selecting targets to bomb has caused something of a debate on the cause of the Twin Towers collapse.

Quite a large amount of name calling too!

Anyhoo, I have dug up a summary on the Channel 4 website covering their documentary on the Twin Towers collapse. Sorry folks, fire and impact were the cause.

I could not find a video link to the documentary. However, if anyone has such a link please could they send it to me and I will put it up on the site.

Please feel free to debate the issues to your hearts' content. However, please resist the urge to call each other twats etc; that special honour is reserved for Nanny and her lackeys.

Ken

Bombers R Us

Nanny takes educahsun seriously, aside from ensuring that all pupils achieve a 100% pass rate so that they can all go to "university" (ie so that they don't go on the unemployment register), Nanny is also teaching children about citizenship.

Her new citizenship classes are aiming to help children to get into the mind of the terrorists who carried out the September 11 attacks.

Teaching packs entitled 9/11: The Main Chance, which invite pupils to imagine organising a terrorist attack, have been distributed to schools running Nanny's much vaunted citizenship classes.

One worksheet in Nanny's pack asks the pupils to imagine what terrorist targets there are in their neighbourhoods. They have then to suggest what weapons and methods should be used to ensure the most effective results.

The worksheets also contain a number of links to other terrorism-related articles, including one on food terrorism and how fast-food chains could be attacked.

Not content with attacking fast food chains?

Then why not attack our water supply? Another article is headlined "How safe is our water?"

Many of the links in the packs expound totally daft conspiracy theories, eg that the suggestion that the American military shot down flight United 93.

Nanny's chum, Tim Window a creator of 9/11: The Main Chance, said that the packs had been used with great success at a pupil referral unit he works at in East London before they were introduced across the borough of Waltham Forest.

Window claims that packs are culturally sensitive, and said that they were about teaching pupils to bring "impartial and unbiased information" to a subject.

What utter bollocks!

Nanny claims that teaching all children about British culture and traditions would allow Muslim children to integrate better into society.

It seems to me that this is will just encourage pupils to reject the society that they live in, and teach them methods of disrupting it.

Educashun

It is nice to know that Nanny's educashun system, so prized in presenting us with 100% pass rates, is now recognised by those in higher education as producing illiterates.

It seems that British students are struggling to win places at university because of competition from European applicants, who have "better English".

Malcolm Grant, the provost of University College London, said that the reputation of higher education in Britain made it a beacon for highly qualified English-speaking students from across Europe, including those from the European Union's new member states.

Speaking at a seminar organised by the think-tank Politeia, Professor Grant said admission tutors were offering places to highly motivated French, German and east European students.

Quote:

"Often, people who have studied a foreign language formally are better at it."

To make matters worse, EU students must repay the £3,000 a year top-up fees when their annual earnings exceed £15,000. However, Nanny has not yet worked out how to keep tabs on their salaries.

Doh!

Nanny Gives Crapita £100M

Nanny has special friends, on whom she likes to lavish her largesse and favours. One of those special friends is the ever popular, and much respected, Crapita.

Nanny decided to waste £100M of our money on her much vaunted, yet inept and useless, reward card scheme designed to encourage teenagers to attend school.

Whatever happened to a sound beating instead, as a means of "encouraging" attendance?

It could have paid for more than 3,300 new teachers, 250,000 laptop computers or replenished understocked school libraries with 10 million new text books.

Anyhoo, the £100 million was wasted on the Connexions Card, which has now been axed. However, not all was wasted; £66M of this went to Crapita, who ran the scheme.

Nick Seaton, the chairman of the Campaign for Real Education, said:

"Millions of pounds of taxpayers' money has ended up

in the coffers of the Government's friends at Capita because of this gimmick.

This money would have been much better spent in schools and colleges

on raising basic standards,

so that pupils have the necessary levels to continue with education."

The Connexions Card was launched by Nanny's Department for Education and Skills six years ago. It was designed to give 16 to 19 year olds an incentive to stay on at school by giving them "loyalty points" that they could exchange for discounts on CDs, clothes and tickets for events.

Needless to say, Nanny was warned that her daft scheme was utter bollocks. However, being a person never to listen to facts, Nanny continued to back the scheme; even though there was no evidence that it had improved teenagers' motivation, or led to more staying on.

In fact, less that 4% of teenagers had redeemed points with the card. Just 54,788 had used it by the end of 2004, fyi the target was 1.7 million.

Whilst the scheme was failing, Crapita made £66M and (under the contract) is due to receive a further £41M.

Nice work if you can get it!

Nanny Bans Palms

Remember how dangerous Nanny thought that conker trees were?

Now she has set her beady little eyes on palm trees, along the seafront of Torbay.

Nanny's chums in the local council have written to the chamber of trade saying that the trees are a potential hazard, because their sharp leaves could cause injuries to
eyes or faces.

Torbay council's senior urban design and landscape officer, Paul Osborne, said in his letter that the trees needed to be "carefully and appropriately used".

He said:

"They can cause maintenance problems and,

as they have very sharp leaves,

need to be carefully used in the streetscapes,

where they could cause injury to eyes/faces if inappropriately placed."

Clearly Osborne doesn't get out much!

Colin Charlwood, a Liberal Democrat councillor and another friend of Nanny, said:

"The truth is that, like everything else,

health and safety regulations mean we have to be mindful

that palm trees could be dangerous.

What if one of those leaves caught a child in the eye,

for example?

It is a little bit like keeping tigers:

they are beautiful to look at

but you wouldn't want them wandering the streets."

Tigers?

Is this man on drugs?

As with all of Nanny's daft ideas, there are a lot of "what if's" but precious little hard facts.

Nanny Doesn't Ban Glass

You will recall my recent article about Nanny's daft idea to ban the use of glasses to serve drink in Glasgow pubs?

Nanny felt that the number of "glassings" in the city meant that people could not be trusted to drink with glass, her next step was to ban metal knives and forks.

Anyhoo, following an enormous public outcry about the stupidity of this idea, Nanny has shelved most of it.

Only premises with the highest incidence of glass attacks will have to serve drinks in plastic or toughened glass.

Councillor Gordon Macdiarmid, convener of the licensing board and knobhead who came up with the stupid idea in the first place, said that the decision to amend the policy had been a result of its "listening" role.

Yes quite, in other words people told him he was a prat!

A victory for common sense, and a resounding defeat for Nanny's lickspittle Macdiarmid.

The Evils of Food

Nanny is getting her knickers into a twist again over food. Specifically adverts for food that Nanny believes to be evil, eg chocolate bars, crisps and fizzy drinks.

Nanny's chums in the Food Standards Agency (FSA) think that these "evil" foods should be treated like sex, ie we shouldn't have any and that they should be banned from television before 9pm.

The FSA is pressing for a pre-watershed ban on all junk food commercials to improve children's health.

Nanny thinks that junk food adverts are a major contributor to the alleged epidemic of childhood obesity.

Er is it not up to parents to regulate their childrens' diets, and to make sure they get enough exercise?

I wonder how Nanny will define junk food?

Too much fat and salt maybe?

Does that mean adverts for cheese, butter, milk and salt will be banned?

To repeat, it is up to parents to control their childrens' diets not the state!

Educashun Educashun Educashun

As part of Nanny's continued efforts to ensure that all pupils achieve 100%, thus ensuring that no one feels inferior, she has decreed that GCSE examiners should ignore mistakes in pupils' scripts in order to push resulting grades as high as possible.

The policy is contained in a marking scheme for history, issued by the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance (AQA), it tells examiners never to reduce a mark "solely because of the existence of an error".

The AQA scheme says:

"If it is possible to ignore the mistake,

do so and pretend that it does not exist."

Un...bloody...believable!

How the hell does this help children prepare for working and interacting in the real world?

Life is unforgiving; the sooner children are made realise that, the better the chances they have of surviving life's slings and arrows.

This pussy policy of Nanny's does them no favours.

Nanny should be arrested for child abuse, as this will clearly have a negative impact on the natural growth and development of children.

Your Assistance Please

Dear All,

Apologies for posting off topic.

However, I would like your assistance in a small matter of getting some attention drawn to the issues that I have raised on www.icaew.info.

Specifically, the issues raised in my article "The Unanswered Questions".

Therefore I would be very grateful if you could point any accountants that you know/work with to the site, and ask them to do the same with their colleagues/friends/contacts who are accountants.

The accounting press are sitting on this one, and I would like to wake them up a bit.

Thanks for your help.

Ken

Flag Off

Oh dear, Nanny is getting worked up by the flag of St George again. This time Nanny's minions in Wales are on the war path.

Nanny's best chum, the deputy chief constable of North Wales Police Clive Wolfendale is having a hissy fit over the flag. He said "incessant" flag-waving in Wales during the World Cup could lead to racism and violence.

Wolfendale said:

"I'm an Englishman and I'll be supporting England during the World Cup campaign

and if I was at the game or in and around the stadium

there's a fair chance I might be waving the flag.

But I think there comes a point when weeks before the tournament

the incessant use of these symbols is a bit in your face

and I just wish people would sometimes reflect

on the impact that's having on others."

He added:

"There's no doubt about it that this can be the precursor to behaviour

which is much worse than flag waving

it's violence,

it's racism,

it's hooliganism of the very worse kind."

Alyn and Deeside Mark Tami MPs said that the remarks risk creating a problem "that isn't actually there".

Clwyd West MP David Jones said Wolfendale's comments were "laughable".

He added:

"I think it's pretty innocuous (for fans) to display their flag from the little flagpoles on their cars if they want to do that.

I can't believe that the people of Wales are so intolerant

of a few English football fans

that they would be incited to violence

I think he's completely barking up the wrong tree.

Frankly, flying a little flag on your way to Colwyn Bay for the day is,

I don't think, going to spark any violence

I think he's completely misguided."

As ever with Nanny, she concentrates on issues that are irrelevant whilst ignoring the real problems.

Maybe Nanny should concentrate on catching real criminals instead?

Nanny's Porkies

Congratulations to Nanny's good people on Suffolk County Council, who have managed to prove what we knew already namely that local councils waste our money.

For 30 years the villagers of Elmswell had campaigned for a road sign to direct lorry drivers to a nearby bacon factory.

Local resident, Andy Taylor, said:

"We've had years of putting up with lorry drivers coming through the village and asking where the factory is.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw someone finally putting up a sign."

The sign, now proudly erected (can I say erected?) points the way to Grampian County Pork.

Unfortunately there is one small fly in the oinkment, the factory is about to close down and 380 people will lose their jobs.

Way to go Nanny!

Nanny Is Mother, Nanny Is Father

Nanny does not believe that, despite 50000 years or more of breeding, the human race is capable of rearing its offspring without her "wise" counsel.

To this end Nanny, in the guise of The Department for Education and Skills, has launched the Dad Pack.

The what?

The Dad Pack, an illustrated guide to the wonderful world of having children.

In this wise book, men (another subject that Nanny hates) are told "not to have affairs" while their wives are pregnant (it's OK to shag around when your wives aren't pregnant chaps!).

FYI this fine piece of literature has cost us £50,000. It is illustrated with cartoons and proffers such advice as "Bite your lip, not your partner, when she is ratty".

Other gems include:

"Shop, clean, decorate.

When knackered, try not to say 'who is having this baby, you or me?"

The Dad Pack says that men will tire of "taking themselves in hand" when their wives are too weary for sex, but they need to give their wives the "feel-good factor".

Quote:

"We're talking massaging her, hot baths together - but no sex, no pressure

(if that makes you horny, sort yourself out beforehand)

Don't have an affair."

10,000 copies are being distributed through hospital maternity units, nurseries, children's centres and prisons (eh?).

Norman Wells, the director of Family and Youth Concern, is unimpressed he said:

"Patronising packs laden with cartoons and celebrity comments are likely to achieve very little.

The Government is throwing money at a problem its own policies have helped to create.

In previous generations, fathers were well able to fulfill their responsibilities without state-funded advice."

Coming soon, The Joy of Wanking and Nanny's Great Big Book of Wanking.

What utter Bollocks!

Nanny Bans Cakes

Nanny really is pathetic at times, her rules and regulations seek to sap the very spirit and sense of joy out of people and out of their lives.

Elaine Richards (a retired district nurse) made a cake for friend of hers, who is 96 and a regular at an Age Concern Day Centre in Barnstaple Devon.

Nothing wrong with that I hear you say...

How wrong you are!

You see, the cake was made at home and in Nanny's view the home is a very dangerous place (she can't control it you see!).

Therefore the cake was banned.

Ms Richards was told, when she arrived with the cake, that it broke hygiene regulations and that the OAP's were only allowed to eat cakes bought from shops.

Ms Richards said:

"It's nonsensical. I couldn't believe it.

I have a family of four who will vouch for my cooking.

The worst anyone has had is indigestion!

My cakes are healthy.

The rules are completely daft."

Andrea Scott of Age Concern, said:

"We have many frail and elderly come here and some are diabetic.

If we let one person do this, the floodgates are open.

We don't know where these cakes come from.

If something went wrong, we could be sued."

Ms Scott said that Age Concern was supported by the local environmental health department.

Here we see how pathetic Nanny's rules are, the day centre is quite happy to allow their clients to eat shop bought cakes.

Why would a shop cake, no doubt filled with all sorts of chemical shit and made by people on a production line, be any safer than a homemade one?

As said, the reason for banning the cake has nothing to do with people's health or wellbeing, it is down to the fact that for moment Nanny can't control what happens in people's homes.

She absolutely hates that!

Needless to say Ms Richards and her friend consumed the cake at home, outwith Nanny's malign influence.

Those of you wishing to try the forbidden cake might like to know that it contains the following highly dangerous ingredients:

-9oz flour
-6oz unsalted butter
-6oz sugar
-milk
-three eggs
-candied peel
-lemon zest

No doubt all of the above will be banned in the near future!

The Naked Civil Servant

Ever wondered why Nanny needs to employ over 7 million trolls in her public sector empire?

Simple, they're all shagging and fighting each other!

It turns out that Nanny's minions in the Rural Payments Agency (RPA) Newcastle have been caught indulging in rumpy pumpy in toilets, during office hours (who does that remind you of?), and of wandering around naked.

One person has already been sacked, and officials have begun an investigation.

Aside from the obvious, what I find most alarming about this is that these morons allowed themselves to be caught on CCTV. What does this say about the quality of intellect of the people that Nanny hires to work for her (oh sorry I mean us...we do of course pay these people's wages!)?

Seemingly, staff have been caught leaping naked from filing cabinets, having sex in office toilets, holding break-dancing competitions during working hours and fighting in a reception area.

The RPA claim that their mission is to:

"be a customer focused organisation delivering high quality services,

including processing payments and receipts,

conducting inspections and recording animal identification,

to government and the rural community."

Er, quite!

Much like most other people in Nanny's ever growing empire, they don't give a toss for the public (ie the people who pay their wages). This attitude comes from the very top.

Maybe, given the seemingly endemic "take the piss" culture in the public sector, I have been too hard on the Smooth Talking Bar Steward?

Seemingly he was, after all, only following normal custom and practice within the public sector.

Nanny Saves The Dragon

Quite how daft Nanny makes herself look at times never ceases to amaze me. Although St George's Day was back in April, this particular Nanny St George's Day story only surfaced recently.

Angie Sayer, landlady of the New Inn in Wedmore Somerset, got into a spot of bother with Nanny's Dragon protection squad.

Her crime?

On St George's Day she held an archery competition, in which she used the Welsh flag as the target.

The Welsh flag has a dragon at the centre, and the logic being that since St George killed the dragon a spot of dragon hunting on St George's Day would be a good idea.

Mrs Sayer was forgetting one thing, Nanny's ever watchful Dragon Protection Squad were in the area. Seemingly one of Angie's dafter patrons thought that it would be "amusing" to report the matter to the police, for a "laugh".

Anyhoo, Nanny's police force decided that this competition constituted an incitement to commit racial hater and paid Angie a visit.

She was interviewed for two hours by Nanny's thought police, who concluded that they would not be taking any further action.

No matter, the damage is done; the fear of the State paying "visit" to "discuss" thought crimes has now been well and truly planted in those connected with this story, and anyone who has read about it.

I wonder if this is the sort of "community action against yobbery" that John Reid had in mind?

Tuck Off!

I really do think that Nanny is overstepping herself this time. Aside from her non stop lecturing about how badly we eat, and what we should be feeding our children, she has now taken it upon herself to inspect that most sacrosanct of a schoolchild's satchel the tuck box!

The Fat Owl of the Remove would be rolling in his grave at the very thought.

Nanny's chums at Bayards Hill Primary School in Barton have taken it upon themselves to inspect the contents of tuck boxes (lunch containers to you), and confiscate foods that they consider to be the creation of Beelzebub!

Nanny knicked the kids' chocolate and crisps.

Hah!

In my day she just confiscated your porn mags!

Keith Ponsford, the headteacher of Bayards Hill Primary School in Barton, admitted that maybe his said staff had been "a bit vigorous".

Last term the school wrote to parents urging them not to send their children in with chocolate and crisps.

On the subject of crisps I offer you the following thoughts and factoids:

1 They are a very good source of vitamin C...yes, really!

2 My mum used to make home made crisps for me to take to school, with grated cheese and extra salt. They were bloody good, and they did me no harm; I am 42, gorgeous, slim and am told that I have the body of a 41 year old.

Yah boo and sucks to you Nanny!

Anyhoo, Nanny confiscated all the offending snacks.

Poor Christopher Cummins, aged seven, fell foul of Nanny's tuck off regime; much to the annoyance of his mum, Debbie.

In true British style, she and 20 other mums marched to the school this week to give Nanny a right old ear bashing.

She said:

"I've got no problem with healthy eating I've got a problem with schools and the Government telling me what to do.

Christopher's packed lunch contained a sandwich, fruit juice, a yoghurt, a packet of crisps and a chocolate biscuit.

Normally I give them a mixed salad with apples,

oranges,

grapes and pear.

What made me angry was that the school canteen actually served pizza and chips

the same day it was taking packets of crisps off children.

So it's one rule for hot and one for cold?

How long until they start telling us what to give them at home?

Where are they going to draw the line

about how we bring up our own children?"

Exactly!

Assistant head Elma Cameron is coordinating the health drive, and said that the school would hold workshops with parents to help them improve their children's health.

Good grief...work shops!

It is not the state's place to act as "mother and father"...of course Nanny does this to ensure that she makes us dependent on her.

However, those of you are worried that your child's human rights will be infringed by this new hard line approach from Nanny should have no fear.

Children will still be able to bring the following items into school, unencumbered:

- Knives
- Mobile phones
- Porn
- Drugs
- Drink
- Fags
- Body piercings
- Ipods
- Glue

Nanny will of course also still be serving children the reprocessed high fat muck, that we all know and love, in her canteens!

Tuck Off Nanny!

PS My Mum's crisps recipe is as follows:

-Peel a large spud

-Use the potato peeler then to make the crisps

-Soak in water, then dry thoroughly

-Plunge into hot oil, and cook until just turning golden brown (the centres should be slightly soggy in my view)

Season with salt and grated cheese...Yum!

They can be stored in greaseproof paper when carried to school.

Prat of The Week

This week's prestigious Prat of The Week Award goes to none other than Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward, the Deputy prime minister John Prescott.

I thought I'd award it to him this week, as it is quite clear he won't be around for much longer.

Aside from the countless reasons why this man should have this award, I cite the fact that the Old Bar Steward tried to force the Big Brother house to pay council tax.

I could support him shutting it down!

Anyhoo, a team of inspectors from the deputy PM's department (whilst it still existed) was sent to raid the Big Brother house in Hertfordshire before the show commenced this year.

Endemol UK, the producers of this pile of garbage, faced escalating £100 fines unless they let inspectors from the Valuation Office Agency raid the house.

It seems that because contestants spend 13 weeks living in the house, plus another four weeks for the celebrity version, the house could have been liable to the tax.

Endemol was eventually forced to hire specialist surveyors, to prove that the house was already covered by £65,000 in business rates.

Funny how he worries so much about the council tax of others, yet managed not to pay his own council tax though isn't it?

For good measure, Prescott has also been lambasted for his daft scheme to build a gazillion homes in the South East. The prat forgot to check the water supply situation, it seems that there will not be enough water to supply his grand erection plans.

Definitely worthy of Prat of The Week!

Nanny Bans Glass

Nanny gets some strange ideas into her head, when it comes to her so called "health and safety" agenda.

In her narrow view of the world, if we are not wrapped in cotton wool, then we are exposed to all manner of unacceptable threats and risks; needless to say, she believes that she is the only person on the planet capable of managing these risks.

Nanny is a control freak, and the most effective way for her to control us (and remain in power) is to make us dependent on her; ie she is trying to reduce us to a helpless infantile state.

Anyhoo, Nanny's latest obsession is glass; she has noticed that glass can, on occasions, cut people.

Therefore her chums in the Glasgow Licensing Board, funny how most of the really daft Nanny stuff seems to emanate from Scotland, have decided to ban glass in all bars and pubs in Glasgow from January.

Bloody hell!

Have you ever tried to drink beer, lager, wine or whisky from plastic?

It's farking awful!!!!

Needless to say, such a stooooopid idea has caused a wee rumpus.

Ken Storrie, the owner of the internationally-renowned Pot Still, said that he would rather lose his licence than serve his vast selection of malts, which cost up to £250 a nip, in plastic cups.

By the way, the ban will also prevent people from buying bottles of wine or champagne.

The Scottish Beer and Pub Association has asked the Court of Session for a judicial review of the Glasgow Licensing Board's decision to introduce the ban.

Councillor Gordon Macdiarmid, the board's convener, said:

"It is astonishing that anyone in the 21st century should seek to place the protection of glass receptacles ahead of the safety of their patrons."

What a Twat!

It's astonishing to me that these people are allowed to go out in the street unsupervised, let alone hold office!

Seemingly Macdiarmid, who evidently has no social life at all, has campaigned for years to make Glasgow the first 'glass-free' city in the world.

You would be forgiven for thinking that I made the last bit up...but no, this man really is a sad little twat!

Macdiarmid claims that his campaign is based on "evidence", Nanny's manipulation of "evidence" to support her daft ideas is well known, as well as demands from parents of "glassing" victims, surgeons and the police.

Waht about the glass bottles that whisky and some beers are contained in then?

Storrie thinks that the whole idea is bollocks, his range of over 500 malts is served in specially-designed Glencairn crystal glasses.

His refusal to sign up to the scheme means that he will initially lose his regular extended opening hours. A continued refusal to comply or seek an exemption could cost him his licence.

A VisitScotland spokesperson said:

"The ban could present a message to visitors that Glasgow is unsafe."

This is beyond belief, we have all seen Taggart and know that Glasgow is not the "softest" city in the world. However, the majority of the city's population manage to get on with their daily lives without having a glass stuffed in their face. I myself have been there many times, and in spite of the fact that I am English, managed to not get "glassed".

I would at this point tell you about the argument in a bar that took place one night, whereby one of the protagonists left for a few mintues to return wielding a Claymore.

Glasses were not needed that night.

Bloody stupid idea, from pathetic people who have nothing better to do with their lives.

It sets a very dangerous precedent; Nanny will be banning knives, sawn off shot guns and sarin next!

Newsflash From The Fuehrer Bunker

Bliary Poppins has released the following urgent newsflash.

It has come to my attention that there has been speculation over the news that I am to fly the Flag of St George over the Number 10 Fuehrer Bunker, on England World Cup match days.

People have speculated that this is a sign that I fully support the concept of English patriotism, even though I spend most of my time outside of the UK, and is a deliberate slight to those who practice political correctness.

I must inform you now, nothing could be further from the truth.

The sole reason that the flag will be flown is to annoy the grumpy old Scottish git who lives next door.

Heil the Pope!

Bliary Poppins

Message Ends

Nanny Bans Tartan Army

In the last couple of days I have written about Nanny banning all things English, and attributed this in part to her hatred of the English.

How wrong I was, evidently she is just as anti Scots as she is anti English.

Nanny's chums in the Commission for Racial Equality (CRE), the body that ensures that we all live in harmony with each other (just like the old Coke advert of the 1960's), have started to fret about the effects that the World Cup (I believe it starts tomorrow) will have on the Scottish persona.

Seemingly Nanny is worried that the Scots will offend their neighbours in the South, during this forthcoming "bung fest", by being a tad anti English.

Evidently the CRE (Scotland branch-isn't that racist in itself?) has received complaints about perceived anti-English sentiment in the last fortnight or so. Nanny won't stand for that, and issued a proclamation through the CRE:

"Scotland's public figures need to ensure [the World Cup] remains a force for integration, rather than a cause of division."

That's all very well, but in case Nanny hasn't realised it yet, the "bung fest" is in fact entirely based on stoking up nationalism and patriotism; that's why teams are divided into countries!

Whilst dick headed comments from so called "leaders" of the Scots, such as Jack McConnell (First Minister) who said that he would not be supporting England, can hardly be called bright; it is hardly a matter for the CRE, let Neanderthals such as McConnell dig their own political graves by allowing them to expose their childlike immaturity and bigotry to a wider audience.

The CRE, by making an issue out of it, will merely ensure that the "piss" is well and truly taken out of the English now. After all, why on earth should we give a toss about what a "bung fest" supporter shouts when he is drunk?

Ali Jarvis, a CRE director, said:

"Racism occurs when any person is stereotyped, harassed or discriminated against on the basis of their colour,

race,

ethnic or national identity.

Using the World Cup as a pretext for hostility against any nation or race,

including the English, is racism."

Herein lies Nanny's problem, she doesn't understand football. It's purpose is not to unite people, but to divide them along tribal lines; in effect, it is war by another means. Were Nanny to really understand the nature of the game, she would ban it.

Notwithstanding the sheer brilliance of the logic of my argument, Nanny will of course ignore me. The CRE is already getting into a bit of a funk over two complaints that it received, one from an Englishman living in Scotland over the sale of "anyone but England" T-shirts.

The other was from a Scot who objected to a newspaper article in which a shopkeeper spoke of selling out of Trinidad strips from Scots, "out of pure hatred for the English team". Trinidad and Tobago play England on 15 June.

Ms Jarvis added:

"We've been monitoring exchanges in the media (Ken says-good grief has it come to this!)

and noticed an anti-English tone to some of the views expressed,

for example in the letters pages.

In one newspaper, someone wrote on Monday that they were not supporting England.

By the middle of the week,

someone else wrote in to say all English should leave

and they were a scourge on Scotland."

Grow up, get a life, and let the children play at war. Sensible adults with well balanced lives should simply ignore this, so what if people wear these shirts?

I lived in Edinburgh for four years, as a student, and had a great time. There were occasions when I encountered anti English sentiment, but so what?

People can be jerks, it is as simple as that; no amount of interference from Nanny will change that.

Incidentally, my favourite anti English joke (note: I am English) from those days goes as follows (best enjoyed when read in a Scottish accent, preferably West coast):

When God created Britain, he took all the perverts, child molesters, deviants and other bastards sent them down South and called them the English!

Meanwhile one Englishwoman has claimed that she was unable to buy an England football top in an Inverness store, because staff told her that stocking such an item would have "offended the public".

David MacDougall, Tartan Army spokesman, summed it up rather well:

"I think in this day and age we might be a bit too sensitive.

People should take this in the spirit in which it's intended

just light-hearted banter and a bit of craic."

Nanny, get a life!

Nanny Bans St George

Following on from yesterday's article about Nanny banning a two year old from wearing an England T shirt, it seems that Nanny has gone into overdrive this summer in regard of her hatred of St George and his flag.

Throughout the land, Nanny's trolls have been working hard to eliminate the flag of St George.

Why is that?

Many reasons have been cited:

• Nanny's dislike of the English



• Nanny's dislike of patriotism



• Nanny's fear of extremist Muslims, eg Anjem Choudary, a former leader of the Islamic extremist group Al-Muhajiroun, has claimed:
  
  "The cross does represent Christianity and for Muslims it also represents a crusader history of occupation and murder."

Anyhoo, whatever her reason, Nanny is busy banning St George:

• Cable company NTL have ordered their van drivers and subcontractors to remove their flags in case they offend Muslims.
  
  Quote:
  
  "We work in many multicultural areas and in different countries within Britain so we want to maintain a professional image and a sense of impartiality."
  
  Twats!
  
  We live and work in Britain, therefore we are perfectly entitled to wave our own country's flag.



• Bosses at Heathrow's Terminal 5 have banned construction workers from flying the flag, health and safety issues there!



• Taxi drivers in Blackpool are banned from flag flying and from wearing England T shirts, lest they upset foreign visitors.



• Taxi drivers in Cheltenham are banned from flag flying, seemingly the council believe that they will fall off and cause an accident. The police want to ban all motorists from flag flying, lest they frighten the horses (yes that really is what they said!).



• Fireman in Barking cannot fly the flag at their station, even though the local Mosque has said it is fine with them.

Nanny is totally overeacting to this harmless practice, she should devote her time to more important issues.

Nanny Bans Eng-errr-land

Nanny has something of a risk averse nature, and is always trying to ensure that we take heed of her fears and phobias. One of her "cause celebs" is that of trying to reduce the level of violence in society, by ensuring that sparks that might cause trouble are extinguished before the trouble flares up.

Pubs and clubs are often the scene of a brawl or two, fuelled by booze and a perceived insult. Football, and showing one's allegiance to a particular team in public, is always a good way to start a fight.

Therefore, it is not unreasonable for pubs and clubs to ban football shirts and scarves. However, this being Nanny's Britain there is always the opportunity for this reasonable approach to be taken one step too far.

Nanny's chums in, what I believe to be Britain's most boring and souless pub chain, Wetherspoons were happy to take Nanny's T shirt policy one step beyond the other day.

Elaine and Anthony Elliott, from Enderby Leicestershire, and their son Charlie were sitting down in the Wetherspoons owned Lloyds No 1 for lunch, when the manager told Charlie to remove his football shirt lest there be trouble.

Fair enough you might say, except that there were a few mitigating circumstances:

1 The shirt was an England shirt, and the pub located in England (not abroad)

2 Charlie is only two, who on earth would take offence at him wearing an England shirt? Well, Nanny did of course!

Anyhoo, Nanny's chums at Wetherspoons told his parents that he would have to take off his shirt or else leave the pub. When they argued, staff said Charlie could stay - if he turned the shirt inside out.

Twats!

Mrs Elliott said:

"He's a two-year-old sat in a high-chair - what harm can he do?"

A Wetherspoons spokesman said:

"Our policy is that we don't allow any kind of football colours.

This policy has contributed to a significant improvement in public order

and safety in the pub.

It is basically to protect customers.

Children wearing football shirts can lead to problems between parents,

or between children,

and we would just rather protect our customers."

You will observe that the above statement does not address the reality of the situation, it merely regurgitates the "party line".

Wetherspoons is definitely the pub chain for Nanny, bland and lacking in any form of character; utterly soul destroying!

Prat of The Week

This week's prestigious "Prat of The Week Award" goes to Liberal Democrat MP Steve Webb, who is their Health spokesman.

Why's that then Ken, because he's a Liberal?

No.

Webb has taken umbrage (a word I have not used on this site before) over the activities of the world's most evil corporation (at least that's his view about them), namely MacDonald's.

MacDonald's have had the temerity to introduce a larger version of the Big Mac, a stonking 40% larger to be precise; the burger has been launched to coincide with the World Cup (yes, I have no idea why the two are connected either).

The burger will consist of two beef patties, which are thicker than the current offering (of course they are!) with two buns, lettuce, cheese and the secret Big Mac sauce.

Awesome!

Anyhoo, dear old Webby is of the view that there is no need for a bigger Big Mac, and has tabled an early day motion and a petition against this most evil of products.

Trouble is Steve, when you start using phrases like "there is no need..." where does it stop?

I am sure that Webb likes a drink once in a while, yet there is no need for alcohol (well there is) in a medical or nutritional sense; so why not ban alcohol.

Following Webb's logic, there is no need for the Liberal Democrats; so let's ban them too!

See how easy it is, all you need is an arrogant sense of self-righteousness and you can go around banning whatever you like.

Simple fact, once in a while to overindulge yourself does you no harm whatsoever; if you are stupid enough to eat yourself into a state of obesity then you will die, that's your privilege and not anyone else's concern.

Funny how the phrases Liberal Democrat and Steve Webb don't seem to match, wonder if he really is in the right party?

Those of you who would like to let Webb know that he has won Prat of Week, or to discuss his very selective interpretation of the phrase "Liberal Democrat", please feel to email him at this address steve@stevewebb.org.uk.

Technical Glitch

Sorry for the absence of any articles today folks. Unfortunately, there have been technical problems which have caused havoc with "The Living Brand" network of sites.

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

In the meantime, why not go down to the pub and have a extra pint in readiness for the weekend?

Ken

Homeless Pensioner Needs Help

It is not normally the custom and practice of this site to bang the drum for "bleeding heart" causes, other than "knocking Nanny". However, I have two elderly parents and am naturally concerned that they continue to live their lives with dignity and independence.

I therefore take a concerned interest in the treatment by Nanny and, let us not beat about the bush, by society as a whole (that's you and me folks) of the the elderly.

Sometimes a story hits the headlines that is so heart wrenching that it overrides this site's normally satirical slant on life. Today we have read about the plight of an elderly gentleman (he has just turned 68) who has had to give up his home, because of pressure put on him by Nanny and her minions.

This old man, who has served his country through several miners', dock and public service strikes, is now forced to sleep in some sort of archway in central London.

Rumour has it that this change in circumstances has put a considerable strain on his marriage, his wife is an elderly woman of independent spirit; she still tries to look her best, despite her advancing years, and takes annual trips to the seaside in a secondhand dilapidated Jaguar.

Unfortunately, the couple may now be forced to radically change their lifestyles and live up North; eking out a living on his paltry £130K per annum salary.

If you can spare a little from your income, to help this couple live out their remaining years with dignity and independently then please make a contribution to the Old Bar Steward's Fund c/o Ken Frost Commercial Enterprise Inc (BVI Registered).

Any money received will be put to good use.

Remember, one day this could be you!

Thank you for your time.

Ken