A Nation of Paedophiles - All Parents Are Evil

As we know Nanny firmly believes that all adults are paedophiles, unless they prove otherwise.

It should therefore come as no surprise to learn that Nanny's minions are officially vetting parents who want to accompany their children to Christmas carol services and other festive activities.

Somersham primary school in Cambridgeshire is taking no chances that any of its pupils' parents may in fact be child predators. Therefore any parent who wishes to accompany their own child/children on the 10 minute (yes I said 10 minute) walk to a morning carol service must be vetted first.

At this point I would like to mention the obvious:

1 It is a 10 minute walk

2 It is in broad daylight

3 There will be several adults (parents, police and teachers there)

What the fark can seriously happen?

Somersham isn't the only school to be infected with the anti adult hysteria that has infected our "beloved" child centred government and tabloid driven political agenda (isn't it ironic that the shouty tabloids who are saying this vetting is stupid, are the same shouty tabloids who bleated for stronger child protection laws a few years ago and conducted a witch hunt for paedophiles?). Other primaries have instituted vetting for parents attending Christmas discos on school premises. Some schools require checks on parents who volunteer to walk with children from the school to post letters to Father Christmas.

Parents will have to provide schools with proof of their identity, such as a passport, as well as their address, so their records can be checked.

People with even a modicum of commonsense can see that not only is this absurd, it is dangerous (as it institutes fear and mistrust between adults and children, thus creating an even greater gap between them).

However, those who worship Nanny (eg bureaucrats, local government staff, politicians and seemingly a large number of teachers) have long since lost any commonsense that they may have once had. In fact it would seem that these professions now only attract people with zero commonsense, a fear of any form of risk and a rabid enthusiasm for state control.

This form of action is tantamount to child abuse, as it poisons the relationship between adult and child.

The people who institute this vetting should be removed from office and prosecuted for child abuse.

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The Truth Behind Climate Change Research

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Nanny Hates M&S Advert II

Regarding my offer to prance around in my Jockey Y Fronts for the M&S advert, I am also happy to prance around (for a modest fee) for M&S in my special Nanny Knows Best Thong.

Buy it here Nanny Knows Best Thong.

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Nanny Hates M&S Advert

Poor old Marks and Spencer have fallen foul of the "too much time on their hands" brigade, wrt the M&S Christmas advert featuring Philip Glenister and French underwear model Noemie Lenoir.

A "staggering" 8 people have complained to the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) over the advert, because they feel that the sight of Ms Lenoir cavorting in her underwear is sexist.

Glenister adds fuel to the fire of these "we have no lives" 8, by saying:

"That girl prancing around in her underwear."

Doubtless at least one person can always be found who is offended/annoyed by anything shown on TV. Commonsense should dictate that TV cannot be "sanitised" to the extent that absolutely no one will be "offended".

As Basil Fawlty once said:

"Too many people with too much time on their hands, with nothing better to do than complain.

That's exactly how Nazi Germany started!"

Well folks, in the interests of redressing the balance, for a modest fee of around £100K I am more than happy to prance around in my Jockey Y Fronts in the next M&S advert.

What say you?

Vote for me to appear in the M&S advert in my Y Fronts via this email address retailcustomer.services@marksandspencer.com

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers.

BTW, why is it I still haven't been invited to the Thanksgiving party at Grosvenor Square?

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Hardwired For Pleasure

Despite that fact that Nanny is making a pretty fair fist at the moment of trying to stop people enjoying themselves, by banning/regulating so many human pleasures, I am confident that in the long run she is going to fail big time.

For why?

Human beings' brains are hard wired to seek pleasure, this has been the case since we evolved into our current form some 150,000 years ago.

Our brains pro actively seek pleasurable input from many sources eg; food, sex, booze, fags and drugs.

Why?

Without the diversion of pleasure our "over evolved" sense of self awareness and ego (what other species would fashion a "god"/variety of "gods" in their own image?) would drive us insane; as we realised the futility of our lives (to work, to eat, to breed, to die) and our position (miniscule) in this universe (one of many).

Hence, when Nanny seeks to regulate/ban so many of these pleasures she is in fact going against nature and evolution. By definition human nature will win, otherwise we will go mad and cease to exist.

Therefore go forth and enjoy your pleasures, without harming others; that is what being human is all about!

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Nanny's DNA Database

I see that Nanny has come up with a sneaky way to build a DNA database for the entire population.

She is now routinely arresting people, simply to record their DNA profiles on the national database. That is the finding of the Human Genetics Commission.

A retired senior police officer told the commission:

"It is now the norm to arrest offenders for everything if there is a power to do so. It is apparently understood by serving police officers that one of the reasons . . . is so that DNA can be obtained."

DNA is not foolproof either. All a criminal has to do is wear someone else's clothes in order to contaminate the scene of the crime with a third party's DNA.

All in all a nasty and insidious development!

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Let's Get Dirty!

Ahaha!

Yet more scientific evidence that leads mankind away from the Nanny state orthodoxy. This time a team of scientists, from the School of Medicine at University of California, have published an article in Nature Medicine that states that children should be allowed to get dirty.

Excess cleanliness can hinder the skin's ability to heal. Dirt bugs dampen down overactive immune responses that can cause cuts and grazes to swell.

These findings chime with the "hygiene hypothesis", which argues that exposure to germs during early childhood primes the body against allergies.

Ever wondered why there are so many kids with "allergies" these days?

It seems that an unhealthy obsession with cleanliness is to blame. After all were we really as allergic to all manner of trivia as some claim to be now, mankind would have died out millennia ago.

Rates of "allergy" have tripled in the UK over the last ten years.

The answer?

Get dirty!

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Nanny's Scientific Bent

As we know, Nanny and her chums love a bit of science.

Nanny loves the science that proves the link between all manner of ills and smoking, drinking and eating.

Nanny loves the science that proves drugs, apart from booze, are evil.

Nanny especially loves the science that proves that mankind is causing global warming. Needless to say, one of the great advantages of having us believe in global warming is the excuse it gives Nanny and her loathed local councils to levy "green taxes" upon the already overtaxed population.

Nanny would have us believe that these taxes are used to improve the environment, and combat global warming.

Utter bollocks, just like National Insurance (the greatest con trick ever foisted on a gullible electorate in history), the money is thrown into Nanny's general pork barrel of cash that she uses to pay her ever growing army of bureaucrats and snoopers.

The trouble is that Nanny has recently been having a spot of bother with "science", as results from some recent scientific research have not been chiming with Nanny's orthodoxy; viz:

- we can now eat 16% more calories per day

- we can drink one bottle of wine, or six bottles of beer, a day to minimise our risk of heart attacks

- certain drugs are less worse than alcohol

Needless to say Nanny has been doing her best to quash these findings, labelling them "flawed" (ie not in line with her "prejudices").

Now here comes the veritable icing on this monstrous cake of lies that Nanny has been baking. It would seem that global warming (I am old enough to remember when scientists were assuring us that we were heading for an ice age), or rather the science that "proves" global warming (if it exists) is man made, may be bollocks.

Leaked files from the University of East Anglia's Climate Research Unit indicate that the scientists who are believers in global warming (the new religion) have been faking test results, so that the results match the religion, and have been trying to quash alternative research that disproves the religion of global warming.

The fakery has been exposed by a hacker who broke into the computers at the University of East Anglia's Climate Research Unit.

Looks like the ice age is on its way!

The next time Nanny tells you her advice is based on "scientific research", tell her to take a running jump!

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Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

What a glorious day my loyal readers!

Sometimes, once in a while, there is news that allows us to have a little hope that Nanny and her acolytes may one day get what they truly deserve.

Such hope was kindled in my chest (can I say "chest" so early in the morning?) when I saw the news that Harriet Harperson is to be prosecuted for her alleged accident earlier this year, and for allegedly driving whilst using a mobile phone.

The icing on the cake is the fact that she denies the charges.

She is of course capable of "misspeaking".

Oh what utter joy there could be if, in the face of her denial, she were to be found guilty!

Maybe she would prefer her personally acclaimed, and publicly derided, "court of public opinion"?

Oh be still my racing heart!

By happy happenstance I am taking my dear old mum (who is still active and alert in her mid 80's) out for a slap up lunch today.

Suffice to say, in light this glorious news, there will be extra lashings of booze!

Extra brandies all round!

I would ask one minor question, why the hell has it taken almost 6 months to bring this to court?

Were Harperson an ordinary mortal, ie one of us, the case I am sure would have been brought to court by now.

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I'll Drink To That!

My hearty congratulations to the public health department of the Basque government in San Sebastian, who have blown a fatal hole below the waterline of Nanny's sallow lipped warnings about the dangers of booze.

Hot on the heels of recent research that shows we can eat 16% more than Nanny told us we could, comes research that shows we should drink one bottle of wine or six bottles of beer a day for our health.

One bottle of wine a day, or six beers, cuts the risk of heart disease in men by more than 50%.

That is the result of one of the largest studies of the link between alcohol and heart disease. I would note that the San Sebastian region has one of the highest drinking rates in Europe, therefore they should know what they are talking about!

Unsurprisingly, Nanny's doctors in the UK are already trying to pull the study to pieces.

In the meantime I suggest that we had better make up for lost drinking time.

It's going to be a good Christmas!

Next week research will prove that fag smoking kills swine flu, and that cocaine is a safe and fun way to lose weight (the ultimate cheap cure for Nanny's so called "obesity epidemic", and an effective means of plugging the PSBR via raising tax)!

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Dishonest Greedy Bastards

Re yesterday's article about Nanny's plans to "outsource" the responsibility for storing data on our phone calls, emails and internet activity to the private sector.

It seems that she may be about to hit a slight "snafu", thanks to the activities of a number of staff (hereinafter referred to as dishonest, greedy, bastards) at T Mobile who have happily been flogging customer details to rival companies.

The Information Commissioner is, quite rightly, livid at this wholesale plundering of private/confidential data.

The trouble is, the problem is not just confined to the a small number of dishonest greedy bastards at T Mobile.

It is in fact endemic within the entire mobile phone industry (my own mobile phone has been, on occasions, on the receiving end of cold calls from rival operators who could only have received my details from dishonest greedy bastards working for my mobile phone provider), and doubtless within call centres (most especially offshore ones, which are infiltrated by professional criminal gangs) and other "wired/wireless" services providers.

This lays everyone of us to having our private data (including the contents of emails, texts etc) sold off to all and sundry, and used against us by dishonest, greedy, bastards.

Nanny, by requiring these companies to keep even more detailed records on us, is placing even more of the private details of our lives (and indeed our lives themselves) in the hands of these dishonest, greedy, bastards.

Nanny's database plan must be stopped, here and now, before we lose the last vestiges of control over our lives.

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The True Nature of ZaNuLabour

Nanny's desire to keep tabs on our phone calls and emails, via building a massive central database, had taken a wee bit of a setback.

For why?

Nanny, despite being all things to all men (in her deluded mind), is not up to building such an enormous database viz; the costs, the size, the security issues etc etc.

So my loyal readers, are we to conclude that the project is dead?

Why of course not!

Nanny has come up with a "brilliant" solution.

She is making the companies that provide email and phone services responsible for keeping records!

All telecoms companies and internet service providers will be required by law to keep a record of every customer's personal communications, showing who they are contacting, when, where and which websites they are visiting (registering every online click).

As an added bonus, Nanny will grant a staggering 653 public bodies the right to access this information. These bodies include our old "friends" in our "respected, competent and trustworthy" local councils, the police, the Financial Services Authority (the body which oversaw, but didn't react to, the financial meltdown), the Ambulance Service, fire authorities and prison governors (eh?).

The final icing on the cake of Nanny's master plan, is that these organs of the state will not require the permission of a judge or a magistrate to access the information. All they will require is the authorisation of a senior police officer, or the equivalent of an unelected deputy head of department at a local authority.

Common purpose anyone?

By the way, the private firms will be paid at least £2BN per annum (of our money) to spy on us!

The Information Commissioner's Office thinks that this idea is bollocks (as do I):

"The Information Commissioner believes that the case has yet to be made for the collection and processing of additional communications data for the population as a whole being relevant and not excessive."

The legislation won't come before Parliament until after the General Election, therefore we must ensure that ZaNuLabour are kicked out of office.

The state has become the enemy of the people, Daily Telegraph take note!

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Eat Yourselves To Health

ROFLOL!!

I am hugely amused to read that Nanny's advice regarding what constitutes a "healthy" calorie intake for adults (2000 for women, and 2500 for men) turns out to be bollocks.

It seems my loyal readers that the Scientific Advisory Committee on Nutrition (SACN) is of the view that the guidelines could be increased by 16% (that's a whole cheeseburger!).

That means that, if we have followed Nanny's rules, we have been under eating for all of our adult lives. Therefore multiply the number of days you have been an adult by the calorie shortfall from Nanny's new target, and treat yourself to a slap up feast to mop up the shortfall in calories!

I will start right away!

Needless to say the Government and the Food Standards Agency view this research as "unhelpful". Funny that research that doesn't, and indeed scientists who don't, conform to Nanny's orthodoxy are expunged and "rubbished" by the state.

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Nanny Spies On You 24/7

It would seem that collaboration between the police and local councils, when it comes to snooping, spying and reporting on private matters has now become ingrained in this country.

Mary Cooke, who by happenstance is pregnant, made the mistake of inviting a member of Nanny's police into her home in Newcastle-under-Lyme after dialling 999 to report a speeding car which nearly hit her.

However, the policewoman observed the fact that some of the wallpaper was missing in Mrs Cooke's home.

Can you guess what happened next loyal readers?

Yes, that's right, the police reported Mrs Cooke to Staffordshire County Council's children's services department.

Several days later a letter dropped on the mat from Staffordshire County Council, the council were fearful over the well being of Mrs Cooke's unborn child.

Now maybe this might be fair enough, if the house was falling apart and there were enormous damp patches on the walls etc.

However, may I inject a small factoid into this?

Mrs Cooke and her husband were in the process of redecorating, hence the lack of wallpaper in certain areas etc!

Staffordshire Police said:

"Our police officers aim to act in the best interests of everyone they come into contact with.

Their role involves liaising with colleagues from partner agencies on a regular basis and can include making sure people get any extra help and support they might need.

We would not comment on individual cases and would neither confirm or deny whether a referral to another agency has been made."

The police are not meant to act as spies for the local council.

How much other "information" held by the police on people is touted around state agencies in this manner?

By acting as spies and enforcers (see yesterday's article about the Gestapo dawn raid in Cambridge) for local councils the police undermine their credibility, political independence and tarnish their reputation.

Oh, and by the way, we are now living in a police state!

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Evening All

A grey, windy, wet Monday morning...why golly gosh tis time for another "Prats of The Week" Award!

This week it goes, somewhat belatedly, to those in charge of Warwickshire police.

Their crime?

A booklet has recently been issued to officers service in Warwickshire, advising them as to how they should communicate with the public.

It seems that phrases such as "'evenin' all", "good evening" and "good afternoon" have been banned.

For why?

Isn't obvious my loyal readers?

Words such as "evening" are, in the eyes of the word police, "subjective" and could cause confusion among different nationalities; as it may refer to different times!

Errmmm..that is such bollocks!

Whatever the nationality, the time of day is the same for everyone if they are located in the same timezone as the person issuing the greeting.

Unless of course Warwickshire police are in fact Timelords!



Warwickshire police (or rather the people who created the booklet), well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Nanny's Early Morning Call - Cambridge Council's Gestapo Tactics

I have to say that were this story to have appeared only in the tabloid press, then I would have dismissed it as nonsense; it is something that quite frankly should be unbelievable, given that we live in a country that is meant to be a democracy. However, it has also appeared in the broadsheets, therefore I will work on the assumption that it is true.

Thomas Catcheside, a 67 year old who lives in Cambridge, received a Gestapo style dawn raid at his home at 5.35AM from the police.

He was frog marched to his bedroom, where his wife was still sleeping, and ordered to get changed before being driven away in a cage in a police van.

Mr Catcheside was then held in a windowless cell for six hours, had his fingerprints and a DNA swab taken, before being issued with an £80 fixed penalty notice and released.

What was his crime?

Terrorism?

No!

Murder?

No!

He had sworn at a council official six days earlier.

Yes, you did read that correctly!

The swearing incident had been the culmination of a 3 year dispute with the council, he is the chairman of the local residents group, over slippery stairs in his council block.

Mr Catcheside has been campaigning for safety improvements to the internal flight of stairs. However, when a council official visiting the site stopped him from following him downstairs to listen to a phone call to his supervisor on October 30, he lost his temper and swore.

The Telegraph quotes him:

"Don't you tell me what I can and can't do in my own fucking place."

He was arrested 6 days later on suspicion of "causing harassment, alarm or distress in a public place".

The experience so shocked Mr Catcheside that he had a panic attack in police custody, and had to be seen by a police doctor.

Cambridgeshire police claim that they had been following "national policy".

Is it now national policy to barge into people's homes at 5:30AM, and arrest them for not kowtowing to their local councils?

Seemingly it is!

The police will have us believe that they were "responding to reports of an assault, which is a serious offence."

Since when was swearing an assault?

Why arrest a man for swearing, when a simple word in his ear might have resolved the issue?

Why did the council report this trivial issue?

Oh, and here's the killer point, the police then went on to say:

"There was not enough evidence to suggest he had committed an assault but he admitted to being abusive and was issued with a fine and words of advice about his behaviour."

NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE!

Why did the police arrest him in the first place, if there was not enough evidence?

Who are the police working for these days, the people or the politicians?

It seems to me that Mr Catcheside should sue the police for wrongful arrest, and make sure that the council and local political party that "runs" the council suffers extreme humiliation and long term political defeat.

The police, by the way, also added:

"National policy states anyone arrested will have a sample of their DNA taken."

Pathetic!

BTW, you may be wondering why the Gestapo (sorry, "police") raided his home at 5:30AM. Seemingly it was the only "convenient time".

Well, that's alright then!

A bare faced lie if ever I have heard one, they simply could have chosen another day when their officers were not busy hunting down murderers, robbers, muggers etc.

Do you all recall, my loyal readers, that the Telegraph recently said that I had "lost all sense of proportion" when I used the word ZaNuLabour?

Tell me, now that we have dawn Gestapo raids at the behest of our "respected" local councils, have I really "lost all sense of proportion"?

OK, to be fair, Cambridge is in fact a Liberal Democrat council (it is hardly "liberal" or "democratic" employing Gestapo tactics like this!).

Councils and police should not be colluding to arrest people, they most certainly should not be practising Gestapo tactics.

Here is the council's email enquiries@cambridge.gov.uk.

The state has become the enemy of the people, politicians and their organs of state should be ignored and resisted at every opportunity.

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The Dog's Bollocks

I see that on the 9th of November, our illustrious MPs discussed (or rather "read") this weighty issue!

Surely they not have rather more pressing issues to discuss?

How would Nanny enforce this one then?

Letterbox inspectors and letterbox fines?



Ker Farking Ching!

Preliminary Business
Notice of Presentation of Bill
1 INSTALLATION OF LETTER BOX GUARDS (PROTECTION FROM DOGS)
[No debate]

Ann Coffey

Bill to require householders to fit a letter box guard if they are in possession of a dog; and for connected purposes.

Formal first reading: no debate or decision.

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Co-op and Vodka

Re my earlier article about the vodka incident in a Co-op, my spies inform me that the story is running on Radio 4 at the moment.

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Noddy Goes PC

Last week, whilst drinking my breakfast juice, I was watching the BBC morning show and saw a discussion about the "new, improved" Noddy.

Seemingly, in these days of obesity and general porkiness, Noddy has been slimmed down (lest he become a corrupting influence).

Additionally, there is now no such thing as a "naughty" person/teddy bear/goblin etc.

For why?

Telling someone that they are "naughty" constitutes "victimisation" and "stereotyping".

Only actions can now be described as "naughty".

Got that everyone?

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The State Has Become The Enemy of The People

Those of you who are still in denial about the state monitoring your every move may care to read this odious tale.

A mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, was shopping with her two young kids in the Co-op in Woolston, Southampton.

The kids had been acting up for some time, and she gave them a verbal warning that she would smack them if they didn't behave. The warning sufficed, and the kids behaved.

Unbeknown to the mother, an off duty policeman overheard her and followed her home.

Six weeks later two officers came to her home and questioned her about the alleged incident. She then received a letter from Southampton council telling her that her actions had been "put on record" for at least the next 14 years.

Now, whilst it may be "reasonable" for the police to follow up on something that they felt was a possible criminal offence, here's why this is so odious:

1 The police claim to be concerned about the possible actions of the mother, and the safety of the children. Why did they take 6 weeks to follow this up? Surely if they really believed that she was such a threat to the kids, they should have stormed her house on the day of the incident?

2 No court case has taken place and the mother has not been convicted, or even charged with a crime. Why did the police report this non crime to the state (Southampton council)?

3 Why does the council feel that it has a right to interfere in a non criminal domestic matter?

4 Why is there a permanent record now on the council's files about this non crime?

Councils have gone way beyond the role that they should have in society (ie that of collecting refuse and other local logistical matters). They must be "put back in their box", and powers that they have awarded themselves removed from them.

The state has become the enemy of the people.

Southampton is a Tory council.

Here is their email complaints@southampton.gov.uk.

Here's David Cameron's email to tell him what you think: camerond@parliament.uk

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Zero Risk Bathing!

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Nanny Bans Parents - Further Update IV

Oh dear, it seems that the row over Watford Council banning parents from playgrounds won't go away:)

The Watford Observer reports:

"A letter sent to parents claimed that 'due to recently changed Ofsted regulations we have a responsibility to ensure that every authorised adult who enters our site is properly vetted and given a CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) check'."

Cate Hall, executive director at Watford Borough Council, then rushed to explain:

"There was however an error in the original letter we sent to parents when we said that the decision was due to recently changed Ofsted regulations.

The letter was sent without checking the contents with senior management or the mayor and I very much regret that it contributed to the confusion."

A classic example of Nanny state spin and lies, deny responsibility and blame an underling.

Factoid: These unelected executives and elected politicians are paid to take responsibility, and are more than happy to claim credit when something goes well; they have have failed, and should be removed from office.

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Pass The Sickbag Someone II

In honour of the Grauniad's suggestion that fireworks be banned, I bought a box load yesterday and filled the air with noxious substances.

I also lit a small fire.

Our cat was nonplussed, and watched the event through the window with passive indifference.

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Twats of The Year

Oh my goodness, even in the anals (or is it annals?) of Nannyism this story (if it is true) way surpasses the norm for my "Prats of The Week" Award.

Hence I am awarding the Co-op and the Cranbrook police my coveted, and rarely awarded, "Twats of The Year" Award.

Please note the caveat "if it is true", because it sounds so absurd that surely it can't be true?

Anyhoo according to The Mirror, Sue Savage (a mum of modest stature) was shopping in her local Co-op in Cranbrook Kent.

Unable to reach the vodka bottles on a high shelf she asked her 15 year old daughter, Tara, (who stands at a commanding 6ft 3in) to reach for them.

Can you guess what allegedly happened next loyal readers?

Yes, that's right, a jobsworth supervisor appeared and told her to put the items back (Nanny thinks that the booze was for Sue's daughter).

Sue left the store and the booze. She then came back alone later, to buy the vodka.

Can you guess what happened next?

Yes, that's right, the store manager appeared (as if by magic) and said the he believed that she was going to supply a minor.

Factoid: it is not illegal for parents to offer their kids booze in their own homes.

Sue "went British" (ie stood up for herself and ignored officialdom), she placed £10 on the counter and walked off with the booze.

The Co-op minions warned her she was breaking the law.

Factoid: she wasn't unless they had proof otherwise.

Then, I guess out of sheer annoyance and fear, she rang police; they came along and told her to return the booze.

The story becomes unclear at this stage. However, the Mirror reports that she was then arrested and given a £80 fixed penalty.

If this is true then, without a doubt, both the Co-op and Cranbrook police are well both deserving of the "Twats of The Year" Award.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone with more information on this story.

In the meantime here is the Co-op's email address, feel free to say "Hi" customer.relations@co-op.co.uk.

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Pass The Sickbag Someone

Given the many other far more odious sources of pollution that allegedly are contributing to environmental damage (eg planes, factories, forest burning, cows, cars, humans, politicians, newspaper production, wars etc), quite why the Grauniad thinks that fireworks should be top of the list for banning is beyond me.

Should Fireworks Be Banned on Environmental Grounds?

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Bonfire of The Numpties

Here we are again folks, tis Guy Fawkes night!

Hoorah!

As expected, Nanny's anti firework and anti bonfire brigade are doing their level best to put the mockers on this fine event (celebrating a really bright bloke who wanted to get rid of all the politicians of his day!...that's the idea isn't?).

I am sad to see that the year on year negative publicity spewed out by Nanny has so worn down the organisers at Ilfracombe Rugby Club, that they can't even be bothered to ask their council for permission to have a bonfire.

Instead, put off by the "mountain" of paperwork and regulations set by council chiefs, they have opted to have a "virtual" bonfire!

Seemingly a real fire would have required five qualified fire marshals, and metal barricades to keep people at a safe distance.

The "virtual" bonfire will use giant heaters, lighting, sounds of crackling wood and a smoke machine to give the impression of a fire.

There will at least be some real fireworks (this year anyway).

So ends another fine British tradition, worn down by endless paperwork and nit picking bureaucracy.

Have it large tonight folks!

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Bonkers Conkers

With conker season all but over it never ceases to amaze me how each year there is a crop of stories relating to over protective schools either banning conkers, or insisting on some form of "protection" being worn, on the spurious grounds of health and safety.

This year the same sad old "health and safety" issues have cropped up, as the pupils of Adlington Primary School in Macclesfield have discovered. The pupils there, who wanted to play conkers in the playground, were been ordered to wear safety goggles because of health and safety issues.

Miss Broadhurst, the headteacher, said:

"We are quite an academic school and were determined the kids should have some fun - but we do it safely.

In terms of wearing goggles we just considered it was better to be safe than sorry. Conkers are generally frowned on now because a child somewhere in the country, at some point, has been hurt playing a game.

I suppose it does really show that health and safety has gone over the top."

Ken says:

1 Wrap the kids up in cotton wool and they will never grow into mature, responsible, self reliant, confident adults.

2 What about the danger of wrists being bruised by a badly aimed conker? Why not insist on pads for hands as well?

3 Risk and danger is necessary for a healthy well balanced life, remove risk and danger and you kill the human spirit.

4 Kids will look for other ways of getting a "rush from risk", eg running across railway lines.

5 This type of overreaction merely transfers the adults' anxiety onto the kids, thus damaging them psychologically.

6 If this "does really show that health and safety has gone over the top", why on earth implement this daft policy?

All in all it is an over reaction to a low risk situation.

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A Nation of Brain Dead Numpties - Marks and Spencers

It would seem that "brain dead numptiness" is spreading like a veritable plague, even that bastion of British shopping Marks and Spencer has come down with it.

Andree Evans, from South Mimms, recently toddled along to her local M&S to buy a birthday card.

She went to the checkout to pay, and the till beeped. Fortunately the M&S assistant was on hand to override the till.

Gosh, what could be wrong?

Nothing, for Andree was over 25.

Eh?

What are you saying Ken?

Ah, my loyal readers, I neglected to describe the nature of the card.

Was it porn?

No!

It had a photo of a wine glass, a corkscrew, five bottles of wine and another empty glass.

Eh?

The problem my loyal readers is that the picture related to booze, Nanny hates booze (not as much as she hates "weed", but she really does hate booze) and as such the card could not be sold to people who are under 25.

That at least was the view of the people at M&S who programmed the till, and the assistant who explained it to Ms Evans.

I assume Christmas cards featuring Santa are also age restricted, since he is a fat, red faced man who likes young children to sit on his lap and happily visits them in their bedrooms when their parents are asleep?

Sad to see M&S have gone down with "brain dead numptiness". Maybe we should send them a "get well" card?

Oh, but we had better be sure that it doesn't contain any pictures of booze; would a picture of boobs or "meat and two veg" be OK instead?

Drop them a note here M&S.

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