Happy New Year!

Happy New Year folks.

Have it large!

Ken

National Smoking Day

Hip Hip Hooray!

For today is National Smoking Day

Yes folks, end the year as you mean to start the new one by sticking two fingers up to Nanny and her no smoking rules.

Today, people, pubs and clubs are being encouraged to light up in the face of Nanny's no smoking rules and outflank Nanny's smoking inspectors.

Fags, cigars, pipes etc they are all good.

Go on, light up for Britain!

Guns Are Good

Ever since time began, small boys have played with toy weapons; whether they were toy clubs, bows and arrows, swords, guns or ray guns.

I myself used to have a fine collection of bows and arrows, swords, a machine gun, a rifle and various cap guns.

These days, Nanny's chums in nursery schools etc try to feminise boys by forbidding such "nasty" little games as "war" and "cops and robbers" etc.

Now Nanny herself has stepped in, and the Department for Children, Schools and Families has said that staff should resist a "natural instinct" to stop such play.

It says role playing helps create the right conditions for boys' learning, and could help them become more engaged in education in the future.

The guidance (entitled Confident, Capable and Creative: Supporting Boys' Achievements) says "practitioners" often find boys' chosen type of play "more difficult to understand and value than that of girls".

Boys regularly use "images and ideas gleaned from the media" as starting points in play, the advice says, which "may involve characters with special powers or weapons".

Quite!

Needless to say, the dinosaurs in the teaching unions are behind the times as ever.

Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT teachers' union, said:

"I think this is a clear example

of gender stereotyping.

I do not think schools should be encouraging

boys to play with toy weapons."

When will the teachers' union ever learn?

Christmas Day II

Folks

A small addendum to my post about Christmas day.

I neglected to mention that the parsnips and roast potatoes (that accompanied the turkey and ham) were of course cooked in healthy goose fat, and that the stuffing inside the turkey and skin of the turkey were made succulent with copious quantities of butter.

I am sorry for any distress caused by these omissions from the original post.

I note that some of you are fantasising about ham sarnies...

Here at Frost towers, the ham (what little remains of it) is being wolfed down with copious quantities of fried eggs and bubble and squeak (cooked in copious quantities of health giving goose fat).

As said, Nanny and her ilk can get stuffed this Christmas.

Keep it large this Christmas.

Ken

Christmas Day

3lbs of boiled gammon and 12lbs of turkey (plus stuffing)
Mr Turkey

There was also a 3lb breaded Swedish style ham and 1lb of cocktail sausages.

In your face Nanny!

ID Cards Are Bollocks

Almost exactly three years ago to the day, I wrote:

"The IT requirements, necessary to effectively manage the huge database envisaged by Nanny, are not feasible. No IT project implemented by politicians, of any party, has ever worked properly or met budget."

Over the past month or so, the media reports that:

-25 million data records have been lost by HMRC

-Learner driver details have been lost

-Pension details have been lost

-NHS records have been lost etc the list will keep growing

The connection?

-They are all data records stored on Nanny's IT systems

-All the data records are the responsibility of Nanny

-These are the private data records of individuals

-Nanny's IT systems have failed

Given the above, how the fark can we trust Nanny to protect the data records that she intends to take from us in order to set up her ID card system?

The people who have had their personal security compromised in this way by Nanny should take a class action against her for negligence.

A Little Light Reading

Dear all,

Do you find that Christmas with the relatives, trapped at home, staring at lousy TV Christmas "specials" is more than mind and body can tolerate?

Then may I suggest you download my book "Accountants Can Cook"?

I have spent the first forty years of my life eating good food and drinking fine wines, ales and spirits; I fully intend to continue in the same vein over the next forty, or so, years. However, when I do finally "pop my clogs" I would like to be made into a pate which would be served at my wake. That way my friends will be able to relive the culinary experiences of my life. Should you not wish to wait that long, then may I suggest that you read on.

That is the opening paragraph of my book, "Accountants can Cook"; which takes you on a journey, both geographic and gastric, through the first forty years of my life. See me grow up from schoolboy to student, then on to become Head of Internal Audit for two of the world's best known companies.

Eat my life!

Download "Accountants Can Cook", it's free!

I order you to read it!




Have it large this Christmas.

Ken

Merry Christmas

Have it large this Christmas!

Ken

Top of The List

Off topic, but I am sure that you will be pleased/amused to know that my site www.hmrcisshite.com is top of Accountancy Age's favourites list.

Not bad, considering it has only been up and running for less than a month.

Ken

Tax As You Throw

Finally one of Nanny's little helpers has admitted what everyone else has known all along; namely that the "pay as you throw" charge is in fact a tax.

Cue the dramatic music!

Joan Ruddock, Nanny's Environment Minister, admission came after she had spent several minutes explaining to MPs of the Communities and Local Government select committee why pay-as-you-throw charges are not a tax.

Oh dear, if Nanny can't even make up her own mind about this tax...it augurs ill for its effective implementation.

Mind you we should not be too surprised at this dithering and confusion. The hallmark of the Brown "administration" is dithering and confusion; guaranteed to end in disaster.

The new tax will mean that families which fail to recycle enough rubbish will be charged extra by their council for having their bins emptied.

Ruddock said that the point of a rubbish incentive scheme was that those who failed to carry out the 'simple task' of meeting 'norms' for recycling would face charges.

Quote:

"It is definitely not a tax."

Then, as if by magic, said:

"I have just been told that technically

these charges are regarded by the

Treasury as a form of tax.

I think I may have been mistaken."

It's enough to make you weep.

Do we pay these morons?

A number of councils (maybe 14) are going to test this new tax. Unfortunately, Ruddock wouldn't tell the committee which councils which have offered to take part in pay-as-you-throw trials.

Isn't that kind of slimy and dishonest?

What a shower!

Auntie Bans Faggot

There is one organisation in the UK that seeks to emulate Nanny's fussy, interfering manner; and does it rather well too.

The name of that organ?

None other than Auntie (the BBC).

This time round, Auntie has excelled herself and out Nannyed Nanny.

The dear old bureaucratic gits who run Radio 1 have had something of a dilemma this year, over that old Christmas favourite Kirsty MacColl's "Fairytale in New York".

They got themselves very worked up over the word "faggot":

"you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot"

Being a bunch of tossers, the BBC decided to censor the word.

A second line where MacGowan calls MacColl "an old slut on junk" had also been edited.

Her mum, Jean MacColl, called the ban "ridiculous" and listeners bombarded the station with complaints.

The result?

Auntie backed down and has allowed the word "faggot" to be used.

A Radio 1 spokeswoman said station management had met to discuss the lyrics and decided to dub them out to avoid offence. This evening the station's controller said after "careful consideration" the ban had been lifted.



What a bunch of complete pricks!

The song reached number two in the charts in 1987, re-entering last year on the strength of recent downloads.

Now here's why the ban was bollocks:

1 The song has been around for 20 years

2 The BBC has played it repeatedly in the past

3 Banning the word merely drew attention to it

4 People need to get over themselves

5 Out of 60 million people you are never going to please everyone

6 Radios have an "off" switch

7 The BBC is not there to act as moral guardian

8 This is the killer fact, the ban did not extend across the whole of the BBC - Radio 2 was playing the full version of the track.

In short, BBC are a bunch of tossers and don't deserve our money.

here is the video and soundtrack:

Booze

In the final few drinking days before Christmas there are many parties to attend and many pubs to crawl. In such a febrile atmosphere it is easy to lose track of the key message that Nanny likes to disseminate at this time of year:

"Don't live your lives to the full!

Don't enjoy yourselves!"


Have no fear, Nanny is on the ball and is targeting the very essence of Christmas itself; namely booze.

For many years Nanny has told us that we should not drink more than a certain number of alcohol units per week. I think she has in mind around 25 for men, and 18 or so for women.

A unit of alcohol used to be the equivalent of a pint of beer, a measure of spirits or a glass of wine.

No longer!

Nanny has moved the goal posts.

In any other target measurement, the goal posts would be increased so as to show that Nanny has met her target. However, Nanny is a perverse old witch and likes to punish us for being so decedent. Therefore she has tightened up the unit measure; one glass of wine will now be 3 units, a pint will also be 3 etc etc.

In other words, she is telling us to drink even less.

Nanny's chums in the butchers' profession (doctors) are particularly incensed at the middle classes, who have the audacity to drink a glass of wine every night. Seemingly we will all die from this outrageous behaviour.

Here's why Nanny's drink rules are bollocks:

1 Many politicians are overweight, drink, drug and sex fuelled sweaty little individuals. They have no right to tell others how to live their lives.

2 The butchers' profession suffers from very high rates of substance and alcohol abuse. They are in no position to tell others how to live.

3 What is the point of adding a few more years to one's life when we all know that we will end up in one of Nanny's hospitals/care homes at the mercy of underpaid, overworked and under trained "carers"?

Life is to be lived to the full, whilst you are still able, then go out with a bang.

Here endeth Ken's message for Christmas.

National Smoking Day

Those of you who wish to stick two fingers up to Nanny may wish to participate in a little event being organised for 31 December this year, New Year's Eve.

Pubs, clubs and other venues are being encouraged to break the no smoking law on that day and overwhelm Nanny's smoking police

Sounds like a good idea to me, I may even puff on a fag myself that evening in honour of the event.

Here is a newspaper article on the subject from The Sunday Post

Sanity Clause

This rather amusing analysis of Santa's risk factors is doing the rounds at the moment.

Enjoy!

Santa Claus has been accused of putting his life and the lives of others at risk through breaches of health and safety laws. Brandy-loving present-giver Claus behaves recklessly and in direct contravention of UK legislation, experts said.

Claus, also known as Father Christmas, delivers presents to the nation's children by landing a sleigh on the roofs of houses and climbing down chimneys to deliver sack-loads of gifts. He is understood to use letter boxes for entry to houses without chimneys.

Health and safety law expert Fiona Clarke of Pinsent Masons, said that he could well be in breach of the law. "Santa's yuletide operations clearly come within the Work at Height Regulations 2005," said Clarke.

"Working at height should be avoided where possible, but if it is absolutely necessary then Santa should at least make sure his sleigh has guard rails to prevent a fall and a fall arrest system installed so that if he does fall he is protected."

Those whom Claus visits also have obligations though, warned Clarke. "Householders should be aware of occupiers' liability – if Santa is coming to your home then you have a duty to take reasonable steps to make sure he is not injured," she said. "Make sure your roof is safe and that the chimney is clear so that he doesn't injure himself on the way down."

Concern has also been raised at Claus's brandy intake, which switches to whisky in Scotland. Claus visits houses on a nine-reindeer sleigh which flies through the air, despite the ingestion of a glass of spirits in each of the UK's 25 million households in one evening.

"The alcohol restrictions are the same for every pilot whether you are flying a light aircraft or a 747," a spokesman for the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) said:

"It is 20 milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood, which is nothing, basically, a trace. One brandy probably would put you over that limit."

"These are the rules for pilots in the UK, every country has its own and Lapland may have different requirements," said the spokesman.

There are also flying height restrictions which Claus is in clear breach of. Aircraft must not fly lower than 1,000 feet in major conurbations, according to the CAA. Claus consistently does this as he flits from roof to roof.

Nanny Rebrands Christmas

Nanny never misses a trick to push her views onto people, and what better time than Christmas to "re educate" her subjects?

Nanny's chums in Warrington borough council have highjacked the town's Chirtsmas lights, in order to promote their "ethical" views on recycling.

The lights say:

"Recycle for Warrington"

Council leader Ian Marks is of the view that recycling is preserving the earth, and is a Christian message.

The church, who actually have some knowledge of religion, think that the idea is bollocks. They are so pissed off that they have written a spoof Christmas carol attacking the council's message.

The Bishop of Bolton, David Gillett, said:

"I am quite surprised to see the usual Christmas

greetings replaced by the slogan, Recycle for Warrington."

The diocese quoted one Warrington church-goer:

"It is a clear example of a council that

has forgotten what Christmas is about.

Christmas is not an opportunity for marketing

departments to promote council branding."

The spoof hymn reads:

"For Christmas here in Warrington,

hath this year been replaced,

with chidings of throwing all in bins,

all in bins,

with chidings of throwing all in bins."

Nanny is not the first authoritarian regime to rebrand Christmas..can you guess who did it before children?

Educashun

Given Nanny's oft stated predilection for "Educashun, Educashun, Educashun" and the recently announced "Balls Plan" for one stop shops at schools, it has come as a "total surprise" (there is irony in that phrase folks) to learn that classic poetry is in danger of disappearing from English lessons because teachers with little knowledge of literature.

Maybe, on reflection, I shouldn't be too surprised.

Many of the young teachers in schools have been victims of Nanny's lousy educashun system, where competitiveness and a desire for self improvement have been banned.

Only very few primary schools are now using works such as Wordsworth's Daffodils, or Coleridge's the Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

It seems that many primary teachers simply do not know enough about poetry to cover the subject properly. They instead opt for the easy option, offered by modern writers.

Taking the easy way out has always been Nanny's philosophy.

Children should not be stretched beyond the limits of the slowest/dimmest pupil in class.

The result?

A classroom full of bored, fractious kids who end up causing trouble as their minds are turned to mush in the stultifying boredom of Nanny's schools.

Seemingly the poem of choice for Nanny's teachers is that redoubtable work by Spike Milligan, "On the Ning, Nang, Nong".

Inspectors who checked poetry teaching at 86 primary and secondary schools concluded it was the worst-taught aspect of English.

One in three schools were merely "satisfactory" while only seven were rated "outstanding".

Passing for teacher feedback these days, instead of a detailed critique, teachers now write "super" or "lovely poem". Thus displaying a remarkable level of ignorance.

Adding to the boredom imposed by Nanny on the hapless kids is the task set by many teachers, that of counting the lines in a poem.

What the fark good is that?

How can we possibly hope to teach children if the teachers themselves are uneducated and unchallenging?

A Fishy Tale

Something fishy is going on in the ENGLISH Channel (I am a firm believer in annoying the Europhiles by emphasising the "English" part of the name), and it's all down to Nanny's love affair with the cod.

Nanny and her acolytes (celeb chefs and green campaigners) have been telling us for a very long time that the cod was in danger; as such, strict quotas have been introduced to prevent over fishing.

Fair enough.

The trouble is, when Nanny introduces a rule she doesn't apply it with any form of common sense.

As such, hundreds of kilos of dead cod (caught by fishermen seeking other fish) have to be thrown back into the ENGLISH Channel in order to keep within Nanny's rules.

The fish are caught by accident by fishermen seeking Dover sole and other fish etc etc, the cod die after catching their gills in the nets and are then thrown back into the water.

ENGLISH Channel fishermen are also well pissed off that their cod quota is less than one tenth of the French quota, which is more than 70% of the total. French fishermen can land 3,377 tons of cod a year while British fishermen are limited to 366 tons.

There you have it folks, Nanny sticks up for cod and the French but not for her own people.

Nanny Bans Christmas Tree

Ah the traditional Nanny pursuit of banning Christmas decorations and Christmas trees is once again upon us.

This time Nanny's chums in EDF Energy have banned a Christmas tree in Waddon, because of health and safety fears.

What a bunch of tossers!

Over the last 18 years a large horse chestnut tree (yes, I know it's not a traditional Christmas tree) in Layton Crescent has been festooned with lights during the festive season.

The Christmas lights have always been powered by using electricity from one of the nearby lamp posts.

However, this year EDF Energy (who took over the task of supplying electricity last year) have put the mockers on the illumination; they cite tightened rules from the Health and Safety Executive that prevents them from allowing their electricity to be used.

I wonder if this is not just a half cocked method of saving money?

The lights are organised by the Together in Waddon project, and for most of the last 18 years the illuminations have been handled by Croydon Council.

The council would use a power supply from the lamp post, and run a cable to the tree.

The residents are pretty pissed off with EDF, as had they been given better notice they would have looked into raising money to buy a generator.

James Barber, from EDF Energy, said:

"New stricter health and safety regulations

mean the electricity supply provided in the

past is now not allowed. It is deemed to be a risk

to the public that must be avoided."

For the record, precisely no one has been injured or killed by the illuminated tree.

Nanny's view is that risk is to be avoided...utter bollocks!

A healthy and fulfilling life can only be achieved if risk is embraced.

The Great Firewall of China

Folks I wonder if anyone can help me with this request that I received today?

Message text

Hi Ken,

I have a problem accessing 'nanny knows best' in mainland China, normally I would have to use a 'Proxy Hub' such as 'Letmeby.com' to bypass the Chinese firewall (direct access to the web site is not possible) but this and many others are being tinkered with.

The result is I can't open your web page anymore.

Any one with any ideas please?

Many thanks.

End of message

Nanny is not the only site of mine that the Chinese are blocking, any ideas most definitely would be very welcome.

Thanks

Ken

Christmas Decorations

In keeping with the season, you will be pleased to know that I spent this weekend erecting and mounting (can I say that?) the Frost household Christmas decorations.

Please be assured that, in keeping with the ethical principles of this website:

• The decorations are fire hazards



• No "pull" or "load bearing" tests were carried out



• Some decorations have been hung from light fittings (which have not been tested for load bearing)



• The coloured lights and electronic snowman have not be checked by a qualified electrician



• I used a chair to stand on, when mounting and erecting many of them



• I have not received any training wrt standing on a chair, or indeed mounting/erecting decorations



• The electrical parts of the decorations add to the CO2 emissions of the planet



• Many extra plug extensions have been added, without being checked for safety



• The wires for the extensions and the lights present a considerable trip hazard

All in all, a typical British Christmas!

Nanny can keep her nose out.

I am fully confident that, ignoring the effects of booze and excess food, I and my loved ones stand a better than 50% chance of making it through the Christmas period in one piece.

By the way, talking of food and booze, don't forget to use the most excellent links on this site to buy your booze and food for the festive season.

How about a Nanny thong?



Buy them and other Nanny stuff at Nanny's store

How about an "In Your Face" Thong?



Buy them at The Emporium

Have it large this Christmas!

The Dangers of Pantos

Twenty miles to London, and still no sign of Dick!

Yes folks, tis pantomime season again...where men dress as women, the principle boy is a girl (in a remarkably short skirt) and the leading lady gets to kiss the principle boy (who is a girl).

Only in Britain would people take young children to see such shenanigans (spelling???)...no wonder we have a few sexual hang ups.

Anyhoo, for once, Nanny doesn't mind about such cross dressing lesbian type issues.

What she does object to is the time honoured tradition of throwing sweets into the audience.

For why?

I hear you ejaculate...can I say ejaculate?

Simple, the sweets might hit the head of a child.

Organisers of the Babes in the Woods and Robin Hood production at Gorleston Pavilion Theatre, near Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, are shitting themselves that they will be sued for negligence if youngsters are hit in the face by a stray chocolate.

The theatre is not covered by insurance for any injuries from sweets thrown by the pantomime dame, Mark Hudson.

Instead, the sweets will be dropped into the front row and passed around by ushers.

Complete madness!

Oh no it's not!

In keeping with the spirit of the occasion I wrote this article whilst wearing an oversized dress, and elaborate makeup....well actually, that's a normal Saturday morning in the Frost household, but maybe we won't go into that!

Nanny Bans Ramp

Ah the joys of being a teenager, the world hates you and you are covered in puss.

Halcyon days!

One would therefore think that any modest device or amusement that keeps teenagers out of trouble (relative to the meaning of the word these days), and helps them expend their surplus energy would be rather a good idea.

Quite so, unless that is you are Nanny.

My sympathies therefore to the hapless, puss ridden, teenagers of St Newlyn East who are to have their skateboard ramp facility removed.

Why?

Nanny's chums on the parish council have deemed that the ramp, installed only 8 weeks ago at the village playground, is a health and safety hazard.

Pass the sick bag someone.

Are they seriously trying to get people to believe that they didn't check it out before building it?

Local parents are quite rightly well pissed off with the knobheads on the council. The ramp helps to keep the youths off the streets, mind you we do have jails for that, and gives them something to do.

A parent said:

"The ramp was offered for free

by one of the locals and the council

agreed to fix it and put it in the park.

Everybody was pleased.

But now, because of health and safety fears,

it has to be removed and everybody is

gutted because it gives the youths

something to do.
We think they have done an amateur job.

First they said yes and now when the kids love it

they are taking it away unless we form an

independent committee that will take the

responsibility for it."

Now we see why Nanny is annoyed:

1 It was not her idea to put the ramp in

2 She hates people thinking and acting independently

3 People like it, that certainly is something she hates

4 She loves committees, and there is no committee running it.

How the fark can a committee run a ramp?

What dick head on the council came up with that brain wave?

The parents are now trying to form a committee, but the council want it to be funded and will not fund it of course.

Therefore, no committee...no ramp.

Chairman of St Newlyn East parish council, Martin Harvey, said:

"The ramp is successful and doing exactly

what it's supposed to be doing and

we are pleased with it.

The youths are important part of the village

and we want to look after them and

keep them off the streets.

But we, as councillors, would like

a group to come forward and run it

on the same basis as the football

and cricket club is run."

Errmmm...but a ramp is not a football club.

How the fark can a committee run a ramp?

Local Councils - What Are They Good For?

Nanny's local councils employ some of the finest hard working people in the country, and attract the finest minds to become local councillors...don't they?

Nanny's council tax is not high, and the services provided by our local councils are clearly value for money...aren't they?

Nanny's local councils are staffed by people with a healthy attitude to risk, who do not seek to impose petty minded bureaucratic rules and health and safety measures on the local population....right?

No, I don't think so either.

Here is another story about mind numbing, bureaucratic, social engineering rules imposed by local councils that clearly have not been thought through.

It seems that limits on what people may throw into their bins may mean that, in many boroughs, waste will pile up on the streets this Christmas.

Councils across the country have imposed a limit on the amount of non-recyclable refuse they are prepared to collect, this includes food scraps.

Now, as we all know, Christmas is the mother of all eating and drinking binges. The result being a mountain of turkey bones, stale Brussels sprouts and other assorted debris/detritus.

This pile of waste has to be disposed of...normally in our bins.

Unfortunately, Nanny's chums in the local councils have other ideas. In places such as Swindon, Bournemouth and Oxford, councils have a recycling programme which means the vast majority of households are only allowed one wheelie bin full of general domestic waste.

The "bright boys" in the council are not relaxing that policy over Christmas.

It seems that the bin men in these areas will refuse to pick up any bags left on the side and if the lid is not closed properly, they will not empty it.

Excellent!

Clearly a helpful, customer orientated policy!

Definitely one that will work during the festive season.

Spokesman for Swindon Borough council, Richard Freeman, congratulated himself:

"At the moment we are able to recycle 38%

of all the refuse collected in the town.

That is an impressive figure which means

our strict policy must be working."

Let's see how it works at Christmas then matey!

The rats and other assorted vermin will be pleased.

Local councils:

-Value For Money
-Helpful
-Logical
-Hard Working

NOT!!!!

Elf 'n Safety

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat (if Nanny hasn't put him on a diet) etc.

As we move inexorably towards the season of festive fun and frolics, Nanny's Elf 'n Safety Gestapo are on the march again.

This time they have put their size ten jackboots into Santa's sleigh. Nanny is worried that Santa may fall off his sleigh, which travels at a mind boggling 5 mph, and have ordered him to belt up.

Recall the halcyon days when a man with a red flag had to walk in front of a car, lest it run someone over?

Nanny brings those memories flooding back with her prissy attitude to Santa's sleigh.

Anyhoo, Santa's visits to Halesowen West Midlands have been organised by Halesowen and Rowley Regis Rotary Club every year for 20 years. Unfortunately our old friends in the money grasping world of insurance almost put paid to Santa emptying his sack (can I say that here?), when they issued an edict saying he must wear a seat belt and upped the premiums accordingly.

Fortunately a modification to his sleigh was made, a harness was added.

Rotary president Barry Wheeler was not that impressed with the Elf 'n Safety knobheads.

Quote:

"We have done the sleigh round the towns

for something like 18 to 20 years.

Every year we have made sure Santa gets to

go through the town and wave to the children.

But this year we found out we actually

needed a much more wide-ranging insurance

policy for Santa riding on the sleigh

because of health and safety rules.

It would have run into a four-figure sum

which we just couldn't afford to pay.

We pay for the Santa sleigh visits out

of the club funds,

not from the collections we do.

But even club funds couldn't run

to the huge amount the insurance wanted.

It just seemed ridiculous, especially

because he doesn't actually ride on

the sleigh that often.

The sleigh is towed from place to place

by a Land Rover. Santa only usually gets

on once we get to the place of choice

and then the sleigh is towed at a rather

stately 5mph.

He would be more likely to injure himself

getting in and out of the sleigh than

actually falling out of it."

Insurance companies are getting away with murder these days, thanks to Nanny's zero risk policies and people's greed and desire to sue for the slightest accident/bit of bad luck.

Prat of The Week

Ooh, Tuesday is with us already and I haven't awarded my prestigious "Prat of The Week" Award yet.

I have little hesitation in awarding it to whoever it was who called in the Croydon police the other week, over a dispute about a hamburger in a McDonald's.

Seven of her Majesty's finest, with cars, swarmed into the eatery within minutes.

Some dopey female customer, clearly not using all the grey cells that nature had endowed her with, called the police after claiming someone behind her in the queue had been handed a burger which should have been hers.

The angry burgerless woman began shouting at staff, about the alleged queue jumping, and then called 999.

On receiving the call, officers swarmed McDonald's in North End, Croydon, within minutes.

She was taken outside by police, and was heard complaining:

"You don't understand, she took the burger."

Clearly well deserving the "Prat of The Week" Award, quite obviously the product of the Nanny "wipes my arse" state.

What a nation we are building!

Nanny Bans Mince Pies

"Tis the season to be merry,

Trah Lah Lah..."

It's that time of year again where people do their best to have a good time, and Nanny does her best to stick her nose in where it is not wanted.

Nanny's chum Neil Davies, headmaster at Mynydd Cynffig Junior School in Kenfig Hill, has decreed that home-made mince pies and other Christmas cakes are to be banned, because in his view they pose a health and safety threat.

The children at his school were looking forward to taking their mothers' highly toxic cakes to the school's annual Christmas sale.

However, Davies banned them because he believes that some children have allergies to certain foods and he could never be sure of the ingredients which had been used in home-made produce.

Quote:

"There is a risk of someone becoming ill

from something home-made.

I don't know what the ingredients are

and there are allergies.

Because of things like that,

we made a decision as a school.

I have had no complaints from anyone

linked to the school about this.

I have got to guarantee the health

and safety of the pupils."

Here's why he is talking bollocks:

1 There is a risk in every food product we eat

2 You cannot eliminate risk

3 To attempt to wrap children in cotton wool is a very bad way to prepare them for the real world

4 He has not got to "guarantee" health and safety

5 How many thousands of kids die each year from eating mince pies?

6 Children and adults eat themselves sick over Christmas

7 Home made food is better than shop made shite

8 I bet he has had complaints...

Here's a complaint, one mother is quoted:

"It seems crazy.

We invited our children's friends round

for parties at home and serve up mince pies

we've cooked,

so what's the difference selling them

at the Christmas school fair?"

Children wrapped in cotton wool make lousy adults, denying them a decent level of exposure to the real world is a form of abuse.

Pain Killers

As we all know Nanny these days is tad prissy about pain killers. Trying to buy more than a box at any one time causes quite a rumpus in shops and pharmacies. Seemingly Nanny thinks that a few milligrams over her "safe" limits will do us immeasurable damage.

I say bollocks!

I had a bad headache coming on during an evening out with friends last night, and so resorted to an industrial strength Ibuprofen (purchased abroad) of 600mg per tablet. I had 4 tablets, as the warning label was in Spanish I felt duty bound to ignore it, washed down with a refreshing cointreau.

Here I am today, fit and well; admittedly I could hear the colour blue last night, but I put that down to the headache.

Nanny Bans Thick Bread

I understand that the House of Lords is about to debate a very important issue, one that affects all of us.

The issue?

-Terrorism?

No

-The Credit Crunch?

No

-Labour's donations scandal?

No

Give up?

OK then, I will tell you.

The House of Lords is about to debate that most burning of issues, the thickness of slices in a ready cut loaf of bread and the dangers posed to our health by the "thick" sliced loaves.

Seemingly a thick slice contains a zillion calories more that a medium slice. Needless to say Nanny is displeased with this, and as such wants to ban thick sliced loaves.

Errmm here is a radical suggestion, why doesn't she just let the consumer decide which type of loaf that they buy?

Quite why the House of Lords is wasting their time on this most absurd of issues is beyond me.

Get a knife, buy an uncut loaf and cut the thing the way you want it; or just buy a medium/thin sliced loaf.

Problem solved!

Unfortunately Nanny doesn't think that we have the brains or the will power to make such decisions, and feels the need to take away our right to choose.

Here is an excellent way to indulge yourselves with slice of thick white, one that I really enjoyed when I was growing up (it did me no harm).

-Cut a thick slice of white bread

-Toast it

-Spread it with a generous amount of beef dripping

-Add copious quantities of salt and pepper

-Eat

Mmmmmm...scrummmy!

Miserable Bastards

Congratulations to the miserable bastards who run the Victoria Shopping Centre in Ysgol San Sir Llandudno, for displaying some remarkably mean Nanny tendencies and banning some school children from singing Christmas carols because they were too loud.

Whilst the media work themselves up into a frenzy about another country getting uppity over the name of a certain teddy bear, we should look to our own laurels wrt intolerance and bloody minded busybodiness.

Anyhoo, the school kids had been given permission to sing in the shopping centre and indeed were accompanied by their schoolteacher and parents.

That of course did not stop the miserable gits who run some of the shops there from complaining that the singing was too loud.

At this point the shopping centre security staff asked them to stop, after which the police then turned up as well!

How farking ridiculous is that?

The furore that this absurd incident caused has needless to say brought about abject signs of contrition from the centre manager, Sue Nash, who has now admitted/realised that the intervention of security staff was "a mistake" and said the pupils would be allowed to return this weekend.

Ian Jones, headmaster, said:

"They were a small group singing Christmas

carols to raise money,

and they were singing beautifully.

After a bit, a security guard came over

and said we had only meant to be singing

for one hour, and could we please stop.

I just said no, because I knew we were

allowed to sing between 11am and 3pm.

He said he had complaints from tenants

that we were too loud and asked us to stop.

I just asked how he proposed to stop children singing.

In the end, he said we would have to stop

or he would call the police.

A member of the public came over and

said she thought the singing was fantastic."

A Police Support Officer then attended the scene and asked the pupils to turn down the backing music on the CD player, and sing more quietly.

Mr Jones said:

"I couldn't believe what they were saying.

Some of the parents were incredulous."

Whilst, on the face of it, this may seem to be a storm in a teacup it does illustrate a number of issues wrt the Nanny state and the effect that it has on people:

• Intolerance of those who act outwith the norm, in this case kids singing where singing is not normally performed



• Intolerance of individuality and public performance (remember folks, Nanny wants public performers to have licences)



• Lack of common sense being applied by individuals and organisations (couldn't the shopkeepers have put up with it for an hour or so? Couldn't the security guard have kept his nose out of this? etc)



• The use of the state, and organs of the state, to settle personal disputes and pursue private vendettas (why on earth call the police?)

All in all this incident is an excellent example of the worst traits of Nanny Britain.

HMRC Is Shite - Beta Test

Dear friends,

I thought that you might like a sneak preview of a new site that I am developing:

www.hmrcisshite.com

It seems that some members of HMRC list "drugs" as a hobby.

It is currently in Beta test mode, please advise if there are glitches or any changes that I could make to it that will improve it.

Thanks

Ken

PS broken link now fixed, sorry about that.

The Postman Always Rings Twice

Whilst the postman may well ring twice, Nanny's special little team of "advisers" will keep ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing until you jolly well open the door and speak to them.

Next year Nanny will launch upon the entire nation an army of "travel advisers", paid for out of our own pockets of course.

This private army will be doorstepping all of us in an attempt to "educate" and "persuade" us about the benefits of switching from driving to walking, cycling and public transport.

Now, if like me, you tend to avoid opening the door to people such as "religious types", government officials, sales people and other assorted riff raff you may well be thinking that it will be a simple matter to avoid interacting with Nanny's little army.

Not so!

If you are out, they will keep coming back and will call up to ten times, even in the evenings or at weekends.

I call that harassment, were a cold calling company (such as Contact4) to do it they would be getting my boot firmly implanted in their posterior (see what I did to Contact4 here).

It seems that Nanny changes the rules to suit herself.

Anyhoo, Nanny's little army will ask you about your travel habits and will offer advice tailored to your journeys, including maps for walking and bus timetables.

If you appear unconvinced, they will offer incentives such as discounts at local bike shops and outdoor stores and free pedometers to measure how far you are walking.

A study by the Department for Transport found that the biggest challenge faced by the advisers was overcoming initial suspicion on the doorstep. It said:

"Door-to-door contact is often associated

with double-glazing sales and therefore

is not always particularly well received.

A non-accusatory but assertive manner is required."

Hmmmm...I look forward to my encounter with an "assertive" representative of Nanny on my doorstep.

Maybe I should film it?

Aside from the intrusion and busybody nature of this project, there is one very large fly in Nanny's oinkment.

The public transport system in the UK is shite..most especially in London...how the fark are you meant to squeeze more people on the trains, tube and buses at peak times without adding more carriages and services?

As ever, this little idea of Nanny's is badly thought through.

Our money well wasted!

Prats of The Week

Oops, it has been a wee while since I have presented my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to the staff of Mr Cheap, in Havant, who have clearly been living in a Nanny state far too long; and displayed all the petty minded jobsworth attention to "rules" that one has come to expect from Nanny's minions.

Frank Dineen, 75 years old, innocently went to Mr Cheap to buy some Christmas cards. Unfortunately, he was reckoning without the jobsworths working in the store. Mr Dineen was wearing a trilby, and as we all know Nanny (who loves CCTV) hates hats.

Therefore Mr Dineen was told to remove his trilby by staff, as their CCTV system would not be able to id him.

The fact that he was 75 and no doubt could be recognised by staff, in the unlikely event he created some form of loutish behaviour, was of course ignored by the staff. This being Nanny Britain, common sense has long since being consigned to the dustbin of history.

Mr Dineen refused, and of course has now been banned from the shop.

He is quoted as saying:

"I will take my hat off in the presence of royalty,

but never in a shop."

Quite right!

The jobsworth numpties at Mr Cheap, well deserving Prats of The Week.

The Grim Reaper

See what plans Nanny has developed to keep us "safe" during the 2012 Olympics.

See Grim Reaper.

The Unanswered Question III

The long running farce that is HMRC, continues in much the same vein as a slow motion car crash.

Today's unanswered questions:

-Why were 6 other data discs lost?

-Why were data discs being sent to third parties?

-Why did it take so long for HMRC to admit that they were lost?

-Why were the police not informed earlier?

-Why is "apathy" on the part of the employees (the excuse of the unions) an acceptable excuse for incompetence and possible criminal behaviour?

HMRC: A Gordon Brown Production.

The Unanswered Question II

To continue the questioning theme in respect of Nanny's HMRC cock up of the century:

Could Nanny please explain to her subjects why she not only sent the data records of 25 million of her subjects to the National Audit Office, but also to KPMG?

What the fark have they got an interest in this data for?

Is this not also a breach of the data protection act?

Scum

The Nanny state has bred a generation of self centered, selfish, moronic scum.

I reproduce this article in full from Help for Heroes:

Swimmers throw abuse at injured servicemen in pool Nov 21 2007 INJURED soldiers were subjected to a humiliating encounter when they were jeered at a public swimming pool.

Servicemen from Headley Court rehabilitation centre near Leatherhead were about to begin their weekly swim at Leatherhead Leisure Centre, which helps with their therapy, when they were verbally abused by a group of regular swimmers.

One woman, believed to be in her 30s, was so incensed that the soldiers - many of them amputees having returned from conflicts in the Middle East and Asia - were using the pool that she told them that they did not deserve to be there.

It is alleged that she told the men that she pays to swim there and they do not. According to witnesses she was so abusive that the soldiers' instructor pulled the groups out of the water to avoid further embarrassment.

Charles Murrin, of Friars Orchard, Fetcham, who witnessed the incident, said: "I was so cross and I could not believe what she was saying.

"The lane was roped off which they do every week and people can swim in there up until 11am and then the soldiers go in.

"She said the men do not deserve to be in there and that she pays money to come in the pool and they don't." The partially sighted 79-year-old, who was in the Royal Navy man and served in the Korean war, added: "I just cannot believe it happened and that people are like this.I spoke to the instructor in the changing room afterwards and he was livid.

"I know what these people are going through because I talk to them and I have got quite friendly with them."

Linda Sinclair, of Thossnroft Drive, Leatherhead, also witnessed the incident. She said: "I was coming out of the pool as the people started to complain and I was thinking how dreadful it was.

"It was a few people that were complaining and it made me cross and it was not nice for those soldiers."

There were two groups of soldiers waiting to use the pool but following the tirade of abuse their instructor ordered them to leave.

A spokesman for Mole Valley District Council, which owns the facility in Guildford Road, said: "There appears to have been a rare incident where two members of the public queried the provision of lanes of the swimming pool for Headley Court.

"While we wouldn't condone what happened, staff at the leisure centre did their best to accommodate all concerned and acted professionally in dealing with the situation."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: "We are disappointed that a small number of people objected to the closure of swimming lanes so that patients of Headley Court could use them."

The incident comes just weeks after a national appeal was launched to raise £5 million for Headley Court to build a new full-size rehabilitation pool with equipment in their gym.

The centre treats 180 injured servicemen who have to make the half-hour trip to Leatherhead to use the pool for vital cardiovascular exercise.

Nanny Bans Santa

Poor old Santa really gets it in the neck at this time of the year from Nanny. Normally she has a go at him over his weight, now she is putting the boot in over the colour of his suit.

Seemingly, in the eyes of Nanny's chums in Steiner School Brighton, red is the colour of modern commercialism and have therefore banned it.

Funny that, I always thought that red was the colour of socialism.

Anyhoo, the numpties in the parents' committee believe that red will remind pupils of Coca Cola (one of the world's most evil corporations, in Nanny's eyes).

Therefore Santa will this year be clad in green.

The school has also decided to hold an Eastern European version of the festive season, which it believes will be more "inclusive". This despite the fact that most of the pupils are British.

What a bunch of twats!

School spokesman Sarah James said:

"The red-suited Santa was created as a

marketing tool by Coca-Cola,

it is a symbol of commercialism."

So farking what!

-Santa is a fantasy creation anyway.

-Commercialism generates income which pays the taxes that pays the wages of the dick heads running the school.

A small point of fact here, Santa wore red long before Coca Cola did its makeover.

The trouble is Nanny isn't interested in facts.

For good measure, at the school's Christmas bazaar, pupils will be told a "moral" tale rather than the traditional Christmas story, and instead of opening presents, they will be given fake "rocks" to break open to reveal crystals.

Happy Winterval!

Happy Thanksgiving

I would like to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends and readers.

When will the ambassador invite me to annual party in Grosvenor Square by the way?

Cheers.

Ken

The Unanswered Question

What with all the hoo ha over Nanny's HMRC losing the data records of 25 million people, and all the finger pointing etc, there is one question that seems to have been forgotten in all of this.

Why were the data records of 25 million people being sent to the National Audit Office (NAO) in the first place?

Are not these records meant to be confidential?

What possible interest does the NAO have in the data records of 25 million people?

Doesn't this constitute a breach of the Data Protection Act?

Would Gordon Brown (who set up HMRC) care to answer this?

There is no way after this that we should submit ourselves to a National ID Scheme. The time has come to put a stop to this government's plans, and to rid ourselves of a now fatally wounded and dying Prime Minister.

TWATS!!!! II

More about HMRC here: TWATS.

Nanny Bans Dummy

Nanny's strict rules about racial/sexual diversity don't just apply to people, they apply to dummies too.

In Nanny's world we are all equal, even the dummies.

Thus it has come to pass that the police mascot, known as Steve, has been labelled by Nanny's lickspittles as being too male and white.

PSCO Steve was created by the Metropolitan Police to visit primary schools. Unfortunately Steve is male and white. Nanny hates white males, because they represent a part of society that she cannot understand and will not accept.

Therefore the Met has been ordered to spend £15K of our money replacing Steve with non male non white alternatives.

The much "respected" and "popular" head of the Met, Sir Ian Blair said:

"These characters will be more representative

of London's population and the diverse range of police personnel."

FYI, the original PCSO Steve costume was based on a real person (Sutton borough police community support officer Stephen King). Unfortunately Nanny hates reality, and prefers instead to create and live in a fictional world.

Pc Geoff Parker, who works in Islington, thinks that the whole idea is bollocks.

Quote:

"One of the things that is damaging our job

and our relations with the community is this

constant overbearing political correctness.

We seem to be taking the issue to the extreme,

and pandering to every whim and gripe.

We need to take a sensible approach to this

and stop over-reacting."

A foolish waste of money and effort, but when did Nanny ever worry about wasting money?

TWATS!!!!

Who are TWATS?

Click this link HMRC and find out.

Ignorance Is Bliss

One of the main reasons that Nanny is able to get away with a lot of what she does is the sheer blind ignorance and stupidity of people in low level positions of responsibility (eg teachers, local councils, HR departments etc) who, because they choose not to understand the law, opt for the safest course of action and impose a blanket ban on activities citing excuses such as "health and safety", "risk" "insurance" etc.

When these people are pressed to show the precise law which forbids a certain action, more often than not they cannot find it because it doesn't exist.

Such is the case of the nonsense over the banning of photographs by parents of their children in school plays etc. Schools in Greater Manchester have finally been forced to admit that there are no laws banning parents from photographing or filming nativity plays.

What a farking surprise!

In recent years, some headteachers have wrongly claimed that the Data Protection Act prohibits family members from taking pictures of pupils at the annual Christmas performance.

Why?

Simple, they didn't bother to ask a professional to check the law and opted for the safest and easiest course of action; ie they imposed a ban. The fact that the ban made no logical sense was immaterial to Nanny's lickspittles.

However, the Wilmslow-based Information Commissioner's Office (which oversees the 1998 Act) has stepped in and has issued a guidance note in respect of this year's round of nativity plays.

It is of course quite absurd that they should have to waste time and money on this.

Assistant Commissioner Jonathan Bamford said:

"The guidance has been issued to reassure

friends and family members they can take photographs

of their children and friends taking part in

school activities for the family album without

contravening the Data Protection Act.

They can also film events at schools.

The Data Protection Act should not be

wrongly cited to stop people taking

photographs or filming videos."

Four years ago, St James RC Primary School in Hattersley, became one of the first schools in Greater Manchester to introduce such a ban, although it did not specifically cite the Data Protection Act. In other words it couldn't even be bothered to justify the ban.

Then headteacher Barbara Robinson said she was following guidelines set down by the Catholic Diocese of Shrewsbury, which governs the school, in response to "child protection" issues.

Complete bollocks of course, yet regrettably the parents simply rolled over and accepted it.

Current head teacher Jackie Walker said:

"Now we send out a permission slip to parents

asking for their consent for their children

to be photographed, at plays and for press and publicity."

What kind of a lesson does that teach children, whereby the state forbids even your own parents from photographing you?

Nanny maintains her power over us because the lower ranks of bureaucrats, teachers and councillors in this country are weak and ignorant.

Nanny's New Book Burners

Are you sitting comfortably children?

Then I'll begin:

"Once upon a time there was a very nasty

bunch of people living in Naziland,

who didn't much care for freedom of speech

or expression.

When they came across 'seditious'

material in a book, magazine or

newspaper they would burn it.

That way all these nasty 'seditious'

thoughts and ideas wouldn't pollute

the pure minds of the citizens of Naziland.

Fortunately the good people of Britain,

and what was left the free world, bombed

the bastards to death.

That, my dears, was the end of book

burning in Western Europe..."

Or was it?

You see there are other forms of "book burning" that don't necessarily require a physical conflagration, and are less obvious.

For example, if Nanny can censor a book before it is even published that removes the need for a public burning.

Nanny's chums in Orchard Books are converts to the 21st Century version of book burning. They were shocked and appalled at the ideas being developed in a book by Lindsey Gardiner, and therefore decided to tell her to remove certain parts from her book before they would publish it.

What were her crimes?

Poetry praising suicide bombers maybe?

No, you go to jail for that in Nanny's Britain (rather odd that Rupert Brooke was praised less than a century ago for his turgid tripe eulogising the glories of war), the book is a children's book.

The crime?

Ms Gardiner featured a fire-breathing dragon, which the book burners at Orchard Books felt to be a health and safety hazard.

What?

I hear you ejaculate (can I say ejaculate?)

I kid you not!

Seemingly, in Britain's new order, the scene showing her dragon toasting marshmallows with his breath was deemed likely to encourage children to do the same.

Errrmm...can anyone spot the rather obvious flaw in this dubious "logic" employed by Orchard?

Yes, that's right, there aren't any farking dragons!

However, those of you who are into dragons may enjoy this episode of "Ivor The Engine" which has escaped the book burners.



Ms Gardiner was also instructed to remove scenes relating to an electric cooker with one element glowing red (it had to be changed to green???), and of a boy on a ladder.

How the fark are children meant to learn about the world, if they are not allowed to read about it?

People have ladders and cookers, you cannot edit them out of real life.

Ms Gardiner noted that her manuscript for "Who Wants A Dragon?" was hardly any more dangerous than Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood etc (all involving death by eating, child molestation scenarios and allegories for the onset of puberty).

Ms Gardiner said:

"It's a sad reflection of modern society."

She is quite right, Nanny and her book burners are destroying society in a way that the people of Naziland could only dream of.

She added:

"I've had books published in Japan,

France, Spain and Holland and

they don't ask for the same changes.

It seems to be in Britain and the U.S.

that there are problems."

We have become what we sought to protect the world from, intolerant book burners.

Orchard Books claim:

"With a wealth of fascinating fiction

and stimulating non-fiction,

we've got everything you'll ever need."

Why not drop them a note and let them know what you think?

Here is the link Orchard Books

The people of Orchard Books should remember this:

"Where first you burn books you next burn people."

Cashback Claims

Those of you who have purchased a mobile phone from Cool New Mobile, Phonebox Direct, Mobile Affiliates or Phones2yourdoor should read this article as a matter of urgency:

-Cool New Mobile

Ken

Break a Leg

I am not the only person who believes that the Health and Safety Gestapo have gone too far in their campaign to wrap us in cotton wool, and thus exert control over us.

No less a person than Tom Mullarkey, head of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, has said that health and safety "extremists" are preventing children from leading a healthy and robust lifestyle.

Mullarkey waded into the "small-minded bureaucrats" by saying that they were guilty of undermining genuine health and safety work.

Quote:

"But people have this perception of 'elf and safety'

as something that restricts your life,

rather than helping you to live fully and successfully.

Our argument is that a skinned knee or a twisted ankle

in a challenging and exciting play environment

is not just acceptable, it is a positive necessity.

We need to prepare children for a complex,

dangerous world in which healthy, robust activity

is more a national need than ever before.

We think people should climb mountains,

and sail boats - we are trying to help them in a practical way."

Exactly!

Unfortunately the small minded bureaucrats who run the health and safety Gestapo will not listen. They need to be dealt with with a firm hand, once and for all.

The Bully State

Nanny's health Nazis are on the march. Having won the battle to stop smoking in public places, Nanny is now keen to push on and interfere in all manner of everyday activities.

Nanny gave warning of her intentions in a report by the once well-respected Nuffield Council of Bioethics. The report concludes that Nanny and industry are not doing enough to prevent binge drinking or obesity, and should promote healthy lifestyles through stricter measures and deterrents.

The authors are a group of doctors, lawyers, philosophers and other "experts". They propose that the Nanny state should be replaced by "stewardship", ie government interference.

Lord Krebs, who chaired the report committee, said:

"People often reject the idea of a nanny state

but the Government has a duty to look after

the health of everyone and sometimes

that means guiding or restricting our choices."

Read that again, Krebs wants the state to restrict our choices for our own good!

Krebs went on to say that the central concept of stewardship differed from the Nanny state, by being "more sensitive to the balances between public good and individual freedom".

The report concludes:

"The stewardship model provides justification

for the UK Government to introduce measures

that are more coercive than those which

currently feature in the National Alcohol Strategy."

The report also says that smoking should be banned in people's homes.

Precisely how do they intend to enforce that I wonder?

This comes hot on the heals of Alcohol Concern, a new lobby group being launched. This body claims to be a charity, but is in fact funded by the state and is an organ of the EU.

Given Krebs's German ancestry I am surprised he has put his name to such a report, the aims of which strikingly resemble the policies of Nazi Germany. The Nazis taught that you owe it to the state to look after yourself, as the state owns your body not the individual.

Krebs is not much of a fan of democracy, as he has voted in only 3% of votes in parliament — well below average amongst the Lords.

This report is the precursor to health care being offered and available only to those who comply with Nanny's rules on diet, drinking, smoking and lifestyle.

Bollocks

Oh dear it seems that Nanny's persistent warnings about the dangers of sun tanning are in fact bollocks.

Scientists at King's College London have found that healthy levels of vitamin D may help to slow the ageing process, and protect against age-related diseases.

Guess where we get a good dose of vitamin D from?

Yes, that's right, the sun.

In summer much of the vitamin D we need is created by a reaction in the skin powered by sunlight. In the darker winter months vitamin D comes largely from food such as cod liver oil and mackerel.

Among the most reliable measures of a person's age are telomeres, the lengths of genetic material that cap the free ends of DNA in a cell. With age, the telomeres shorten and the DNA becomes more unstable until eventually the cell dies. The study found that those with the highest vitamin levels had significantly longer telomeres - equivalent to five years of normal ageing - than those showing the lowest vitamin D scores.

Tim Spector, a co-author of the paper, said:

"Although it might sound absurd,

it's possible that the same sunshine

which may increase our risk of skin cancer

may also have a healthy effect on

the ageing process in general."

The day I start to follow the advice of Nanny and her doctors will be my last day on this planet.

I wonder what other advice Nanny has given us is in fact wrong?

Oh, wait a minute, most of it!

Booze

Nanny's legions of busybodies, snoops and "do as I say" advisers are unleashing howls of anguish over the fact that some supermarkets are selling beer and lager at a cheaper price than water.

Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda now offer lager at just 22p a can; that's less per litre than their own-brand-mineral water and cola.

You can get oiled for a mere £1!

There's value for you.

Needless to say, the newly formed Alcohol Health Alliance (doubtless containing the same people who banned fags from our pubs) is up in arms about this.

You know what, for once I agree with Nanny.

Shock horror!

Did you ever think that you would hear me ejaculate (can I say ejaculate?) such an utterance?

I too think that it is an utter, utter disgrace that booze is cheaper than water and cola.

It is high time that these supermarkets lowered the price of water and cola, so that it matches the price of the booze.